The D Rules!!: Family

100 Facts That You Didn't Know About The D

1. The D doesn't have to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Tall buildings duck under The D.

2. The D can delete the Recycling Bin.

3. When The D goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

4. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but The D says its beef, then it's beef.

5. Whenever The D plays Chutes and Ladders, he treats the chutes as ladders, because he's not some sissy who can't climb up a plastic slide.

6. When The D deletes files from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.

7. The D can slam revolving doors.

8. Once a cobra bit The D's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

9.The D can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.

10. Giraffes were created when The D uppercut a horse.

11. The D is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.

12. The D was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

13. On his birthday, The D randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

14. The D can speak braille.

15. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for The D.

16. The D once stated that he "doesn't wail on sissy boys." This led to the pink polo shirts with popped collars craze. Little do those pitiful fools know that The D was just making it easier to find sissy boys to wail on.

17. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. The D can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.

18. The D doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

19. The D does not sleep. He waits.

20. The D once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

21. World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, The D ate Kobayashi.

22. If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear The D laughing at you.

23. The D died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

24. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects The D could use to kill you, including the room itself.

25. The D sleeps with a night light. Not because The D is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of The D.

26. The D is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

27. The D's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools The D.

28. The D always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.

29. The D is the only one who can "try this at home."

30. The D beat a wall at tennis. Yes. A WALL.

31. The D's blood type is WD-40.

32. If The D wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.

33. The D played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

34. The last man who made eye contact with The D was Ray Charles.

35. The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that The D's basement was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.

36. You are what you eat. That is why The D's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

37. The D owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

38. Circles exist because The D beat the crap out of some squares.

39. The D had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow, and anywhere The D went the lamb was sure to go. So he killed it.

40. The D was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

41. The D invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.

42. Getting murdered by The D counts as a natural cause of death.

43. When The D plays any video game, God mode automatically turns on.

44. The D destroyed the periodic table, saying The D only recognizes the element of surprise.

45. The D puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

46. The D counted to infinity - twice.

47. The D can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

48. Only once has The D ever cried. The only survivors were a bunch of animals and some dude named Noah.

49. The popular video game "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from The D and forgot to pay him back.

50. The D's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.

51. The D and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.

52. The D once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

53. The D irons his shirts while he's wearing them.

54. The D once got caught doing 100 in a 50 zone. The cop did give him a speeding ticket, however The D still pleads his innocence to this day, stating that he was simply out for a morning jog.

55. The D wears a cup not to protect himself, but to protect the players on the other team.

56. The D knows the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow (African *AND* European).

57. Onions do not make The D cry. The D makes onions crap themselves.

58. If you haven't seen Alien vs. Predator yet, don't bother, The D wins.

59. The D was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

60. The D can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

61. The D was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.

62. On a high school math test, The D put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because The D solves all his problems with Violence.

63. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to The D and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

64. The D doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

65. The D does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

66. The D invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

67. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be The D.

68. Crop circles are The D's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down and shut the fuck up!.

69. The D does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. The D goes killing.

70. The D does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction.

71. There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because The D is going to walk.

72. When The D enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

73. The only time The D was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

74. The D has the heart of a child. He keeps it in a small box.

75. The word "lesbian" derives from an old Latin phrase that roughly translates as "She who has not yet been introduced to The D."

76. Superman owns a pair of The D pajamas.

77. The movie Ray is loosely based on the life of The D, only they substituted piano playing for eating toddlers, and blindness for the ability to fly.

78. What scientists thought was natural selection is actually only the continued survival of animals The D has found too chewy to eat.

79. When The D gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

80. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped The D's house one Christmas.

81. The D has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.

82. Weeping Willows are a result of The D yelling at trees for not being tough enough.

83. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when The D punched himself in the face.

84. The D can watch a season of "24" in just three hours.

85. The D is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right fist.

86. The D became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.

87. The D's dog is trained to pick up his own poop because The D will not take crap from anyone.

88. The D sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.

89. The D can predict the shuffle on his iPod.

90. The D used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

91. The D is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.

92. The D doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.

93. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: The D was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.

94. The D can kill two stones with one bird.

95. The D can tie his shoes with his feet.

96. The D is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.

97. The D can make a paraplegic run for his life.

98. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures The D allows to live.

99. When The D gets pulled over he lets the cop off with a warning.

100. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless The D has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Showing posts with label Family. Show all posts

Monday, January 21, 2008

Weekend Update

With months of planning the banquet went off without a hitch. I had the perfect system all set up. But it took me almost all night to print over 120 name tags Friday night using my home printer. I also had to print 35 applications for the neophytes at 5 pages each is a lot of paper and ink.

Some history on this banquet that we throw every year. This was our 87th meeting. The club has had a lot of influential members though out the years most notably President Harry Truman was initiated in the 30's. The membership is now populated with upstanding citizens from Kansas City Kansas, my home town. We have doctors, lawyers, judges, business owners, politicians, insurance men, police officers, firemen. People from every walk of life. If I gave you some of their names you would be amazed at the quality of people. But I'm not going to give you any names.

I guess the best way to describe the club is to say that it's part Friar's club roast, part fraternity. It's really a good time.

One thing I can tell you that happened to me, which was completely amazing and totally random. I was talking to one of our photographers about how the day went and the other photographer came over and asked me if I had family in Jefferson City (we all wear name tags). I said yea both of my parents are from Jeff City, long story short he had grown up with my Dads brother (my uncle) and my mothers brother. I still have to call mom and tell her about it. She's probably flip out. It just goes to show you what a small world we all live in.

After the ceremony the group (which you already know as my crew, Mr. Awesome, Reggie, Scooter, The EYE-talian, and a few others) that planned the event went over to a bar in KCK and watched UNC lose to Maryland which was just enough to make the day pretty effin sweet. Then we headed to Danny's again had dinner and watched KU beat those slack jawed yolks from Mizzou.

There was really a lot of random, and amazing stuff that happened thought out the day. But I still have a lot of work to do as far as updating the roster with new members, and updating current members with new contact information. Which is going to take me a couple of nights to get though all of the new members. Overall we had 132 people attend which is a pretty good turnout but not our best.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Even Little Kids Know

Even little kids know what (and who) is Awesome.

From The Cajun:

Every time Audrey (18 months old) sees the family pictures, she says "D! D!" especially the one with you and the kids, of course.

Smart kid, that one.

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

COOKIE TIME!

From The SIS,

Sunday it the Official kick-off for the Girl Scouts Cookies sales in the middle of Kansas.

If you would like to order some (you do). Your choices are Carmel de Lites, Peanut Butter Patties, Shortbread, Thin Mints, Peanut Butter Sammiches, Thanks-a-lot, Lemonades, and Cinna-Spins. If you need more of a discription, just let me know

Each box is $3.50.

For those you in Kansas City, I can deliver them to The D on Sunday Fe 16. You better get them from him that week or he'll eat them!! (TRU DAT!)

Nicole (my niece) really, really, really, really, really, really, wants to go to summer camp this summer (and so do her parents) and the more cookies she sells the more "cookie credits" she gets to apply towards the cost of camp.

Thanks for your support

The SIS

[end communication]

So, how many boxes can I put ya down for?

This is now its going to work folks. You are going to order these cookies or I'm going to start calling you out as Girl Scout hating Jerks-Faces.

The cookies will get delivered to me on Feb 16 (Izzy's 1st B-day) I am willing to deliver your package (NO HOMO!) to your place of work, home, neighborhood brothel, where ever you want me to deliver them. You won't have to do shit, just tell me where and when and I'll deliver them to you. We can work it out, I will bend over (NO HOMO) backward to get them to you. Or I can just bring them to the Feb Blogger meeting. What ever is convenient for you. For some of you I'm eve willing to give you a floater loan and you an pay me when you get the goodies. I'll even help you eat them, if you want. I'll bring the milk!

I expect at least 10 orders of multiple boxes by 5 PM on Thursday.

Email me at “Darren rules at gee mail dot com”

(All information exchanged will be kept in the strictest confidence, meaning I will most likely forget it 10 min after you tell me.)

Besides could you say no to this face?

2 years?

3rd Birthday.

Dance recital.

GOOOAAAALLLL!!!

What are you waiting for operators are standing by! Order while supplies last!!

And remember if you don't I will find you... And I will remember.

I'd do it for your niece. You totally know I would.

Don't make me email, call, or worst yet DRUNK TEXT you.

ORDER NOW!!

Saturday, January 05, 2008

OH WHATEVAR!!

Today, I finally got off the couch and ran some errands. I stopped by the SIL's house and picked up some extra pics she had of the fam. They apparently mucked up the cutting and gave them to her for free. My pics won't be ready until Tuesday. I then went and picked out a frame from Tar-jay. They're like a 4x5 size which made it difficult to find a frame that would have fit all of them, but I did and I think I made a fine choice. I'll have to go back once my pics come in, but that's no biggie.

I also swung by Kansas Sampler and picked up one of these.

I get all my KU paraphernalia from there. They also have a shit load of KSU and MU stuff. They have equal amounts of stuff for each school and the store is separated by school so you MU deviants don't go wondering into KU or KSU area. It's a good place check it out. They also have a good selection of Chiefs and Royals stuff, but who's gonna buy that stuff?

Now, I can't decide if I want to go out tonight or not. If I chose to go out I would then have to shave and I don't want to shave. Because then I would just have to shave again Monday morning for work. It's a nice night for a January and I bet there will be some hot chicks out tonight.

I would then have to find some place to go and someone to go with. And what do with the movie that I rented last week? Which is do back tomorrow?

Anyway, I'll figure something out.

Peace out Y'all!

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Family Pic

I've been threatening to show you this family pic for a few posts now. I know you're JUST DIEING to see it! And because you waited patiently. I'm rewarding you with the greatest pic of them all. Mostly, because I'm in it and the little kids have not yet realized the full potential in their own awesomeness.

It's not the best quality because it was scanned in by the SIL. She did a good job though don't ya think?

The introductions:

The kids in white are half of the family I (and my younger brother C-boy) like to call "The Great Plains Drifters", (long story) you know their mom as "The SIS" and her husband is "The Coach". Nicole is (8 yrs) the one standing. Zach (5yrs) is the youngest in that family.

The ones in red are C-boys girls Sophia (3 yrs) and Isabelle, (11 m) or Izzy if you like. Their mother is known as The SIL. I think it's really funny the way Izzy is sort of shaking her fist at the camera man as If to say "I'm gonna get you. You sumbitch!" She would say it like Beuford T. Justice from The Smokey and the Bandits movies. HILARIOUS!

You know the one in charcoal gray as Audery (18 m). Do you remember her here? She's going to have a brother or sister in July. She's part of the D.C.Krew. Her mom's The Cajun, and her dad is K-dawg.

And I'm the Awesome fellow in the blue. My name is Darren a.k.a. "The D". All my friends call me "The D" so you can call me Darren. All these kids call me The D, or Uncle D.

Thanks to The SIL for scanning this pic and getting it to me, You're ACES!

If you want to see the rest email me. But I'm not giving the link out to everyone. I have to have meet you at least once or you have to be on my Facebook or Myspace pages. If you're a hot and single woman that might help you out also.

Sunday, December 30, 2007

Christmas Recap: The Gift Opening

At this rate I might be finished with these Christmas post in August, I was that busy!

Here are some random pics of the kiddies.

Audery is the mover of the clan she is never in one place for very long. And I think she can hear the camera cuse she starts to move even faster when I was trying to get a pic of her. Most pics she is just a blur. These are the best I could get.

She is 17 months old so there is always something in her mouth.

This is the best one. I think she is dancing to some Elmo song. That we had to hear OVER AND OVER.

Anyway, we always open gifts on Christmas eve at moms house. But the biggest gift this year was the news that The D.C. Krew will be growing by one this July. The Cajun (K-Dawgs wife) told mom by making her read a card out loud with a pic of the sonogram (I think that's what it's called) taped inside. I just hope they put the stem on the apple if ya know what I mean. Zach is the only guy so far.

C-Boys clan: Isabelle we also call her Izzy.

YUM! (bla!)

Have you ever tried that baby food? No wonder it's so difficult to get them to eat. IT TASTE LIKE SHIT!

Izzy is 10 months

Her older sister Sophia is 3 years old and thinks I'm REALLY FUNNY and she likes to say so! She says "DARREN'S FUNNY!" I don't know if that means funny looking or what.

We had just started opening gifts and it wasn't Sophia's turn yet so she said "I think I'll just relax a bit."

Admiring her My Little Pony something or other.

You have already see the picks of Nicole and Zach. So I'm not going to repost those.

I hope your Christmas was equally fantastic!

Saturday, December 29, 2007

Christmas Recap: The Shopping Adventure

Last year I told y'all how I go about my Christmas shopping so I'm not going to rehash it. But the crappy thing was that The Christmas Story wasn't going to be on until Christmas Eve, so I had to make some concessions. (And buying or renting the DVD is cheating so that was not an option.)

As far as what I gave to the little kiddies most of the girls got clothes from Children's Place, which I was commended on the selection. But there is still the underlying doubt between some of the women that I have some sort of secret shopper that I pay to pick out the actual clothes. Which I have denied time and time again. BUT! This time I had proof!

Here's the lowdown:

I went out shopping on Saturday the 22nd, I was planning on going to Oak Park Mall and hitting the JCPenny's for Zach's gift, which was a Chiefs helmet and full uniform sans the pads. He's 5 and already playing flag football. Any way I snagged the last one that was on the shelf. Which was pretty sweet and put me in to the Christmas shopping mood.

Here's the video of him opening it. SIS is working the camera and her voice is loudest.

Here's a couple of picks of him all decked out. Yes, he knows the Chiefs are lousy this year. But he is not a fair weather fan. Plus it's better than him rooting for the Raiders.

Anyway, as I was in the Children's Palace at Oak Park Mall, picking out the outfits for the rest of the girls. I hear someone yell "ZACH, GET OVER HERE RIGHT NOW!" I say to myself "Self, that voice sounds familiar?" I turn around and it's The Sis with her two kids Nicole and Zach in tow. I yell "Hey lady can't you control those rambunctious kids?" I shout across the crowded store. "HEY, DARREN!" She shouts. Then Nicole comes over and says very sternly "Hey, Uncle The D your not supposed to be here! What are you doing here?" We then all exchanged hello's and all that stuff. I was kind of worried because I had Zach's gift right there at my feet in the Penny's bag! But he never noticed. I then showed SiS what I had picked out for Sophia, Izzy, and Audrey, and she approved of all the selections. So that should put to rest all of the rumors about me having a "secret shopper". My sis caught me red handed picking out the clothes myself. It was a total random meeting especially because she starts her Christmas shopping really early, like July or some shit.

I then went over to Target and bought a MP3 player for Nicole. This is her opening it.

It's a High School Musical MPS player. And she is very excited to have it!

Then I went to Best Buy to get a Gift Card for Sis husband "The Coach" ( he used to coach high school sports, mostly basketball). All in all it was a great day to be out shopping because of the show and it only took me 2 hours, from start to finish!

But my VERY pregnant pal Lonnie did all of the wrapping for me.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Not much time

I don't have a lot of time before the big shindig tonight with the brothers and the Bro-in-law. Ladies if your out on the town tonight we'll be the four sexy mo-fo's at the bar! (You should start praying now that I don't drunk text you at 3 am tonight.)

So I'll just give you the Cliff Notes of todays happenings.

Went out to order the family portraits but ended up not getting any because I didn't have an appointment. Yea, you have to have an appointment to view and order the pics. How lame is that? Even thought I can view the pics online and even order them online. Stupid I say. (I'm willing to share them with you but only if you email me and I've meet you in person. You want to see these pics, believe me.)

Got my oil changed, no big deal there.

I also picked up some supplies that I needed for a organizations banquet that I have been in charge of for the past 2 year. The banquet has been held every January for the past 88 years. Some of my responsibilities are taking care of the budget, the invitations, coordinating the people that are in charge of the food and booze. And keeping a database of all of the members which now numbers into the hundreds. So today and last night I spent alot of time making the address labels and name tags for the existing members and organizing spread sheets so it will begin to move a lot smoother. Now that I plan to set up a web site and move the whole process into the 21st century, or is it 22nd century, whatevar. It's a lot of work which I volunteered to do 2 years ago. This will be the first year I am actually trying to move everything from paper invitations and paper mailings to more of a online database.

That's all I have time for folks.
Be cool my Hommies!

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Christmas Recap: The Bounty!

To continue where we left off a few posts ago. With the Itunes gift cards I bought a bunch of random hard rock tunes that my Ipod had been lacking, such as some Def Leopard, Disturbed, Guns n Roses, Matchbox 20, Foo Fighters, Bon Jovi, Spoon, and for the cool down some Nicole Atkins, and Kayne West. I have not used the Penny's gift card yet. Even though I was at the mall today.

I have a pretty good video of my nephew opening his gift from me, and some great pics coming up in tomorrows post. Also, I have a story about my shopping adventure on the Saturday before Christmas that should put to rest all the talk about me having a "secret shopper" once and for all. We had a family portrait taken today which was pretty fun. So I'll have some thoughts on that as well in the next couple of post.

And if your nice to me (yea I'm looking at YOU!) I might post the family pics. I look fuckin' AWESOME!

Peace out, My Hommies!

Christmas Recap

Christmas this year has been pretty kick ass so far, and its still not over yet, with everyone still in town until Saturday.

Lets start the recap with a list of all the bounty that I took home from Christmas Eve at moms:

1. Gift Cards from Itunes and JCPenny's.

End of list.

That's a pretty short list huh? But it's exactly what I wanted. I told everyone too pool their money and get me one gift card from a list of stores that I gave them. They choose JCPenny's which I'm totally cool with, I told them to get me one gift card because I need a whole new wardrobe after losing 85 pounds. I figure it's much easier to spend a few hundred bucks at one store on clothes than it is to spend 50 at one store, and 50 at another.

I took a butt load of pics and I'm having a hard time choosing which ones to post of the kids (I don't post pics of the adults.)

More later...

Monday, December 24, 2007

Family Fun!

I don't have a whole lot of time to tell you about the kick ass shopping adventure I went on last Saturday. Or how I have already started tormenting the kids in the family, or the adventure I took to pick up the D.C.Krew from the airport this afternoon. Or how much of a computer genius I am.

Because Family Fun requires my attention.

So I'll just wish you all a Happy Christmas.

And leave you with a couple of my favorite Christmas videos. I'm going to stay away from the Oh Holy Night version because there are so many awesome ones.

If this one doesn't get you laughing your ass off then check your pulse.

Friday, December 21, 2007

Shopping?!?!?

How come none of you jerks told me Christmas was Tuesday?

Now I have to do all my shopping tonight!

Here is the shake down:

MP3 player for the oldest niece (8 yrs old). Target
Football helmet for the nephew (5 yrs old). JcPenny's
Clothes for the 3 year old niece (Children's Place or Mady & me)
Clothes for the 8 month old (Children's Place or Mady & me)
Gift card for who ever I have in the drawing, which I should probably look up.

That will take 4 shops and prolly 2 hours.

That ladies and gents is how you Christmas shop. I will be in and out of each shop in less that 30 minuets. If you prepare you save time and effort.

UPDATE: Opps! Looks like I forgot the 17 month old neice! OR did I actually already get her something. Oorr, did I leave her off intentinally becasue I didn't want anyone knowing what I got her.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Thanksgiving Recap

This Thanksgiving was low key and stress free, as they all should be. The D.C. Krew didn't come in town and neither did my SiS and her family. They each went to their respective In-laws houses, but we'll have the whole clan in town for Christmas, which'll be nice. Mom didn't want to cook for just the four of us and C-boys 2 girls one of who is only 9 months old. She's still eating that goo they call baby food.

The SIL's father invited all of us to have lunch with all of their family at Plaza III (no, that's not Plaza one hundred and eleven it's Plaza 3) at 135th and Nall Avenue. They offered a traditional Thanksgiving meal and also had their whole menu available. Some people took advantage the full menu but mom and I had the turkey dinner with all the trimmings. It was good and I had no problems woofing (wolfing?) it down. Mom on the other hand didn't like the stuffing so I had it. She was right her's was bad, but mine was just fine. C-Boy and I had a good time hassling The Sil's aunt, who is an MU grad, about how bad her school is going to lose tomorrow.

After lunch I helped mom set up her Christmas tree. It's usually the SiS's job to set up the tree but since they didn't come in town she obviously couldn't set it up and get into the yearly Thanksgiving day argument about who made what ornaments and at what age.

This is a typical Thanksgiving day/putting up the tree argument.

(I'm paraphrasing here)

Mom: OH! Look how pretty this one is, I can still remember when K-dog made it, he was ten.

SiS: "No, he didn't I made that when I was 8 years old in Mrs. Watson's class.

Mom: "Shut up, you did not."

SiS: "I did too!"

Mom: (now yelling) "YOU DID NOT, I REMEMBER IT LIKE IT WAS YESTERDAY! NOW SHUT UP AND PUT IT ON THE TREE!!!"

SiS: (now crying) "I'm not doing this next year."

And scene.

Good times, Good times.

Some traditions just can't live on forever.

After I put the tree together I bolted so I wouldn't get roped into putting on all the decorations. I needed to get home and take a dump. After said dump (everything came out alright thanks for asking) I took a 3 hour nap.

That was my thanksgiving.

I hope yours was just as stress free as mine was.

As always thanks for reading.

I'm Audi 5000.

The D Out.

Blog Rules

I have some unwritten rules that have govern my blogging from the beginning of this little page way back on April 13, 2006. Thought I'd write them down and share them with you. Think of them as my blog commandments.

Don't any ones real name. Every name that you have ever read (except for the nieces and nephews) have been made up. I have too keep a key so I don't start confusing you, or myself.
Don't post any pictures of any adult, but me and anonymous people that I don't know. I thought it might freak some people out, once they found out I had a blog, if their face was plastered all over the interweb without their permission.
Don't blog at work. Whoops! Broke that one many times.
Don't talk about bad about anyone that I know. Sure, I bad mouth celebrities and Fred Phepls and losers like that but they deserve it.
No serious talk about my dating or sex life. My family reads this and I'm sure they don't want to hear all those details. I'll tell you about single dates but not once it rolls in to a relationship. (Like that's ever going to happen.)
No inside jokes. This blog is public anyone with a computer can read it anywhere in the world. Inside jokes would ruin the fun for my reader in Iceland.
Be funny, or at least try to be funny. If I think it's funny then it's going in the blog. It really doesn't matter if you think it's funny or not.
NO PORN! Either of myself or anyone else. Unless its requested.

I could have sworn I had ten of these things but now I can't think of any more. If I think of more I'll update this post.

If you have a blog do you have rules the you follow? If so, what are they?

Thanks for reading.

UPDATE: I used to have a rule for my friends and family that stated they couldn't ask me about why I said something. (I had my reasons and didn't feel like I needed to explain every post to them.) They could tell me whether they liked a post, or thought I was an idiot, or not. But I have now reconsidered that rule and think it's dumb. That rule is no now abolished. Your welcome, so ask away, go ahead ask me anything! I dare ya!

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Coming Up This Week

This week will be really busy for me at the office. Monday I have a 100% submittal due to the customer. I'm also having lunch with our Board of Directors. Or I should say all the company veterans are having lunch with them. But I'm telling everyone that it's just me so they think I'm sort of a big deal (which as we all know I totes am) I'm hoping for a free tee shirt out of the gig too. All over our buildings, or at least in my building, I would assume they would be in the other buildings too, are these posters with a group shot or all of us veterans.

Last week I was put in charge of all the CAD work that is required for the renovations we are doing in our building. Some more divisions are moving over here and now we have a lease on the entire building. Before my division only occupied the 2nd and 3rd floors. The problem is that there is a lot of work to do and only 4 days to do it so I'll be working a lot of overtime this week. Which sucks because my birthday is Wednesday, have I mentioned that?

Tuesday is the Blogger meet up at McCoy's. Wednesday is dinner with the family.

Thursday I'm off work, and hope to buy a new winter coat. I'm looking for a good leather one like one of these.

Which is your choice? Don't like any of them? Have other suggestions? Let me know in the comments or email your suggestions them to me.

Friday is the submittal for our building renovations.

Saturday, is another birthday party for me. Let me explain, the majority of my friends were born in November so every year for the past six or seven years we have all gotten together to have one big bash. Last year we had it at the Bulldog, one year we reserved the entire upper floor of the Grandfalloon on the Plaza. We also used to have it the day before Thanksgiving but as people get older and start having more kids it got to be too much of a hassle to try to get everyone together while still keeping there own family obligations. We usually have about 25-30 people there but since we moved it they will probably be even this year.

Did you know this was my 400th post? So YAY!

Monday, November 05, 2007

Weekend Wrap Up With The D

Friday after having dinner with the family at moms for her birthday I went to Joseph A. Banks at Oak Park Mall. I know I told everyone that I was going to go to Men's Warehouse but on the advice of C-boy and his wife I decided to make a command decision and go with some place I had never been, plus I knew they were having a sale. I try on three pairs of pants and decide to go with the 34" waist. But I wear a 32-33 in jeans so I'm like WTF, yo? Apparently there is no universal size chart when it comes to men's clothes either, so you women aren't the only ones that have to keep track of what size you wear from different designers or stores. I used to wear a 38-40 in dress slacks now I wear a 34" waist. Even though I don't like the pleated slacks I did get 2 pairs (thinking the pleated pants look nicer when I'm wearing a tie, which I have to do 4 days a week for work.) I also got one pair of flat front pants that I wore to the wedding the next day. All three had to be tailored for the length, but I had them put a rush on the flat fronts because I wanted to wear them to the wedding on Saturday.

Then we move on to the shirts I tell the dude that I used to be a 18 1/2"/34-35 before I lost 85 pounds in 14 months. He bust out his tape and then says that I am now a 17"/33. (If you didn't know the first number is the neck size and the second is the length from the wrist to the middle of your back just above the shoulder blades.) So that means that I've lost 1 1/2" off my neck, and 2" off my sleeve length. (Because I've lost 85 pounds in 14 months.) I start digging though the shirts for some colors to go with the pants that I was going to wear the next day. While I'm bent over another salesman comes over and says "Where did you get those jeans." "Umm, I bought them at Banana Republic last march. They're now a little too lose now.", I say. "Na, they look alright." He replies back. I didn't realize it, until I was on my way out of the mall, but I think he was hitting on me. (EW.) At least I think he was, what straight dude would complement another dude about his pants? But I'm totally counting it as a Darukah gift for Friday.

Another unexpected surprise happened when I was checking out. The guy (the one that was helping me not the one hitting on me) asked me where I worked and if we had a corporate account. I told him where I worked and apparently we do have a corporate account which saved me another 20% off the already sale price. YESSS! BONUS!!

Saturday Mr. Awesome and I manned a martini bar at Reggie's cousins wedding reception. I was apprehensive in agreeing to do this when I was first asked because I have never tended bar or anything like that before, but once I got all of the details I agreed to do it. I knew the bride from playing kickball last fall. The evening went off with out a hitch she had left us with all the supplies and instructions on how to make them and how much of each ingredient goes in each one. We only had the supplies for 3 different martinis, Apple, (commonly known as a Appletini), a Cosmopolitan, and a Hawaiian Sea Breeze. The Apple and the Hawaiian were the most popular. But after a few hours of doing it correctly we just started pouring just about any thing in to them. She paid us 50 bucks plus the 10 bucks in tips we made. After the reception we meet up with the EYE-talian at Johnny's on Shawnee Mission Parkway. Mr. Awesome called it quits and The EYE-talian and I cam back to my house and drank all my beer, where we argued about it being the end of daylight savings time I said it was not he said it was, I lost the argument. I then sent out a drunken text message to just about everyone I know. If you got it congratulations, if you didn't then I guess it sucks to be you.

Sunday, I watched the Chiefs lose to the Packers. Speaking of fudge packers what the hell has happened to Nebraska football? And to KSU for that matter? Don't even get me started on Notre Dame. But as long as the Jayhawks win I'm happy. That KU-Neb game was an absolute blow out! 76-39? Did Nebraska even show up for the game. Did you know that that score is the highest combined score in the history of the Big 12? Did you also know that Kansas is now ranked #4 in the BCS? I'm not gonna bag on KSU because you only lost by 11 points, and I don't want some of you dudes to start crying again.

Darukah Gifts: Friday night was the clothes. And getting hit on by some dude. Saturday was a e-card from Spyder (she's totally kicking all your asses on the Darukah gifts people! Ya'll really need to step it up!! Did I tell you this was a competition? No? Good, cause it's not.) I also got a couple of beers from the EYE-talian, and Mr. Awesome. Sunday, I bought myself an egg McMuffin from Mickey D's. And Abby sent me a song.

Have a nice week Ya'll! Thanks for reading.

Friday, November 02, 2007

Weekend Plans

I don't have much time to get this out so I won't elaborate on the plans.

Friday-Dinner with the fam, clothes shopping, binge drinking.

Saturday-bartending at Reggies cousins wedding. Which should be fun because I have no idea what I'm doing. Guess I'll just drink the mistakes.

Sunday-Chiefs game.

Today's Darukah gift: A kick-ass ecard from Spyder and an obscene cupcake from Erin.

Ya'll have a nice weekend. Beware of the drunk text! They'll get cha'

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Well that Sucked

Tonight after a quick 4 mile run I took a shower, ate dinner, then went to the Macy's in Prairie Village for my first purchase of Darukah. That my friends went over like a fart in church. That store has the worst customer service in the history of all customer services ever (at least in it's men's department.)

This is the play by play:

I get there about 8 o'clock, the store closes at 9, you'd think I'd have plenty of time right? If you thought that then you'd be WRONG, DEAD WRONG!

First, I stand around waiting for the lady to finish with a customer. No big deal, I'm a patient dude, I can wait my turn, even though I was missing the KU game on TV, but it was an exhibition game, btw Kansas won 94-59, so no biggie. The saleslady finishes with the dude and tells me she'll be right back.

I say "Great, I got time, no rush."

That was about 8:15. She comes back 20 minuets later! At this point I'm getting a little annoyed. I tell her the whole deal about losing 85 pounds and that I need to get measured for dress shirts and pants, but mostly dress shirts. (I already know that I'm about a 33-32 waist) She tell me that she'll be right back with a tape measure. That was at 8:35-8:40. Remember, the store closes at 9.

After waiting 10 more minuets I say screw her, and start walking around for someone else to help me. The place is deserted. It reminded me of a scene from some horror flick where everyone vanishes off the face of the earth, and I'm the last survivor of some crazy ass nuclear accident, which would totally happen, because I'm pretty much indestructible.

Anyway, as I'm wondering around I think I should steal a wallet. But because I'm a law biding citizen and an honest person I don't steal anything. That and one of my biggest fears in life is getting gang raped in a prison yard.

She finally comes back at 8:55!!!! So I'm thinking "What the fuck lady? Where the hell did you have to go to get that tape measure, Timbuk-fuckin'-tu?? At this point I'm pretty irritated because of all the waiting around (and yes my feet hurt after the run). So I ask her what time it was and what time the store closes and then I just look at her, like WTF with my arms stretched out to my side. "Do you have time to do all of this and then ring it up and get me out of here before say 9:15? "Umm, no" she says. "Great! Thanks for nothing" Then I storm out.

FUCKING LOSERS!

Now, I'm going to go to the Men's Warehouse (unless I get better suggestions) near Oak Park Mall tomorrow. At least I know they will have some decent customer service. But I have to have dinner with C-Boy and his fam and our mom. Mom's birthday was last week but C-boy was out of town so were taking her to dinner Friday night.

Darukah Purchase: 6-pack of Boulevard Wheat.

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Weekend Update With The D

This weekend it was finally nice to have virtually nothing planned, and I took full advantage of it.

Friday night I went to the lamest house party in the history of house parties. (It was NOT the blogger party). This party was so lame that I can't even begin to describe the depth of its lameness. Lets just say that I was home and in bed by 11. Yea, it was that lame.

Saturday began what I like to call the "Man's Weekend", nothing but manual labor and a few minor cuts to the legs and hands. Pure man stuff I tells ya! I started the day with a nice hearty meal of flapjacks, scrambled eggs, and bacon. I make a mean stack of flapjacks just so ya know, the eggs were just perfect. I then began my quest to mow the lawn which I had not done in what seamed like 2 months. It was seriously tall. I think I may have ran over a 305 Chevy engine block and a village of a long lost forgotten tribe of Filipino nationals. Saturday night I watched the Kansas Jayhawks put a whipping on Texas A&M. I also want to tell all you KSU grads that I think you should be arrested for murder. Because ya'll killed Baylor.

Then I caught up on all the episodes of Heroes that I had missed along with episodes of Chuck, and the Bionic Woman (Seriously is Michelle Ryan hot or what? Probably the hottest woman in a new TV show this season. That, and she reminds me of someone but I have no clue who.)

Sunday I went over to Moms and mowed her lawn, racked her leaves, and cleaned out her gutters, and gave her some basic computer knowledge, because I'm an awesome son and her favorite son. She then told me that I was too thin and to get some new clothes.

Moms, ya gotta love 'em

I then came home returned some phone calls that I missed and now I'm doing this. Now since this is done I'm going to either watch baseball and fall asleep on the couch or watch more shows that are stored in my DVR.

Peace out ya'll have a nice week and thanks for reading.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Weekend Update

There's a lot to tell as far as the race on Saturday goes so I'm going to post that in a separately Monday night. Plus it makes you come back if you want to hear about it, and thusly giving me more hits because, as you know I'm a hit whore.

Friday on the drive home I get a call from the SIL. I answer it and Sophia is singing the theme from Scooby Doo (it's her new fav song). Then Sophia asked me if I would come over and… Wait a sec lets back up here for a minute.

Last Tuesday we had a Family Fun Time while the whole D.C. Krew was in town for a few days. As we were sitting around the living room we somehow got on the subject of babysitting. The SIL asked me when I was going to start babysitting Sophia and Isabelle. I was all like WTF?? I didn't even know I was on the list of possible babysitters. I think the list consist of my mom, the SIL's twin sister, and the SIL's dad, and now apparently me, The D.

So, now back to the phone call. Sophia asked me if I would come cover and babysit her and her sister. I nearly died right then and there. I think I may have even blacked out (while driving) for a few seconds and then soiled myself. The SIL gets on the phone and seriously asked me if I could baby sit on Saturday afternoon at 4. First of all I thought she was only kidding about putting me on the list when we talked last week. Second does this woman even know me? I can barely keep myself safe in my own home. Not to mention taking care of 2 babies. What is she thinking? Why would she even put me on this list? I mean Hello I've never even changed a diaper in my whole life. I wouldn't even know the first thing to do if something went wrong. And what if the baby, Isabelle (only 8 months old) starts to cry? I would have absolutely no idea what to do except to start calling people in a panic asking what to do. But that would be after I started to freak out, and I mean a MAJOR freak out. How would I keep these kids entertained? (And don't say just put in a movie any retarded adult can do that. That's the chicken shit way out of babysitting.)I would just be totally lost and out of my element. But I do think it would make for a good blog fodder. I guess I could take them to a park and pick up chicks. (Every single dude knows that there are two sure ways of picking up hot chicks. 1) Babies, who doesn't like babies. 2) Puppies. What woman can refuse babies and puppies?) But using babies to pick up chicks just seams wrong to me. What am I baby pimp?

Anyway, I had to decline the baby sitting gig because I knew I wouldn't be in any kind of shape to anything but sit on the couch after the race on Saturday. If the offer comes again I just want to warn all the women that I know (whether you have kids of not) you had better be on stand-by for an emergency baby advice. Because I'm gonna need it!

Saturday after the race and my 3 hour nap a friend of mine who's a bartender at the Point. Was having some kind of shindig. So I meet some people up there about 7 for some after race binge drinking and free shots. We all had a good time watching KU beat Colorado and going 7-0. About 9 or so the rest of my crew showed up with their wives and congratulated me on recent Victory. They left about 11:30 or so, just after some other friends showed up. I left about 2 and took a cab to Westport for a final drink at Kellys, bought about 4 slices of pizza from the street meat vendor. Then headed home, made a couple of the required drunk text and drunk dials then finally called it a night at about 4 (at least that's when the last drunk text went out.) I really need a breathalyzer for my phone.

Sunday I had some yummy cold pizza for breakfast and took a 3-4 hour nap waking up just before the Chiefs game. They beat those sorry ass Raiders (sorry Raiders fan but your team isn't very good). During the game I get a text from my buddy the bartender at the point telling me that I owed him money for the tab from the night before. Apparently I took off and forgot to pay my tab. It's a good thing we're friends or I might be in some trouble for skipping out. So after the game I call him and tell him that I was starting the "Walk of Shame" (which is what I call the sober walk back to Westport (or anywhere I leave my car) back to the Point to get my car and to settle up my tab. He tells me he wasn't working and that I owed him the money for the tab, not the bar which is much better. He comes by and gives me a ride to my car. And we settle up.

The Race review is up next!

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