100 Facts That You Didn't Know About The D

1. The D doesn't have to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Tall buildings duck under The D.

2. The D can delete the Recycling Bin.

3. When The D goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

4. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but The D says its beef, then it's beef.

5. Whenever The D plays Chutes and Ladders, he treats the chutes as ladders, because he's not some sissy who can't climb up a plastic slide.

6. When The D deletes files from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.

7. The D can slam revolving doors.

8. Once a cobra bit The D's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

9.The D can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.

10. Giraffes were created when The D uppercut a horse.

11. The D is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.

12. The D was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

13. On his birthday, The D randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

14. The D can speak braille.

15. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for The D.

16. The D once stated that he "doesn't wail on sissy boys." This led to the pink polo shirts with popped collars craze. Little do those pitiful fools know that The D was just making it easier to find sissy boys to wail on.

17. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. The D can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.

18. The D doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

19. The D does not sleep. He waits.

20. The D once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

21. World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, The D ate Kobayashi.

22. If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear The D laughing at you.

23. The D died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

24. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects The D could use to kill you, including the room itself.

25. The D sleeps with a night light. Not because The D is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of The D.

26. The D is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

27. The D's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools The D.

28. The D always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.

29. The D is the only one who can "try this at home."

30. The D beat a wall at tennis. Yes. A WALL.

31. The D's blood type is WD-40.

32. If The D wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.

33. The D played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

34. The last man who made eye contact with The D was Ray Charles.

35. The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that The D's basement was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.

36. You are what you eat. That is why The D's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

37. The D owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

38. Circles exist because The D beat the crap out of some squares.

39. The D had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow, and anywhere The D went the lamb was sure to go. So he killed it.

40. The D was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

41. The D invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.

42. Getting murdered by The D counts as a natural cause of death.

43. When The D plays any video game, God mode automatically turns on.

44. The D destroyed the periodic table, saying The D only recognizes the element of surprise.

45. The D puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

46. The D counted to infinity - twice.

47. The D can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

48. Only once has The D ever cried. The only survivors were a bunch of animals and some dude named Noah.

49. The popular video game "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from The D and forgot to pay him back.

50. The D's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.

51. The D and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.

52. The D once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

53. The D irons his shirts while he's wearing them.

54. The D once got caught doing 100 in a 50 zone. The cop did give him a speeding ticket, however The D still pleads his innocence to this day, stating that he was simply out for a morning jog.

55. The D wears a cup not to protect himself, but to protect the players on the other team.

56. The D knows the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow (African *AND* European).

57. Onions do not make The D cry. The D makes onions crap themselves.

58. If you haven't seen Alien vs. Predator yet, don't bother, The D wins.

59. The D was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

60. The D can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

61. The D was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.

62. On a high school math test, The D put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because The D solves all his problems with Violence.

63. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to The D and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

64. The D doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

65. The D does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

66. The D invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

67. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be The D.

68. Crop circles are The D's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down and shut the fuck up!.

69. The D does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. The D goes killing.

70. The D does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction.

71. There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because The D is going to walk.

72. When The D enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

73. The only time The D was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

74. The D has the heart of a child. He keeps it in a small box.

75. The word "lesbian" derives from an old Latin phrase that roughly translates as "She who has not yet been introduced to The D."

76. Superman owns a pair of The D pajamas.

77. The movie Ray is loosely based on the life of The D, only they substituted piano playing for eating toddlers, and blindness for the ability to fly.

78. What scientists thought was natural selection is actually only the continued survival of animals The D has found too chewy to eat.

79. When The D gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

80. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped The D's house one Christmas.

81. The D has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.

82. Weeping Willows are a result of The D yelling at trees for not being tough enough.

83. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when The D punched himself in the face.

84. The D can watch a season of "24" in just three hours.

85. The D is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right fist.

86. The D became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.

87. The D's dog is trained to pick up his own poop because The D will not take crap from anyone.

88. The D sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.

89. The D can predict the shuffle on his iPod.

90. The D used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

91. The D is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.

92. The D doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.

93. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: The D was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.

94. The D can kill two stones with one bird.

95. The D can tie his shoes with his feet.

96. The D is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.

97. The D can make a paraplegic run for his life.

98. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures The D allows to live.

99. When The D gets pulled over he lets the cop off with a warning.

100. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless The D has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Pissed, Weekend Wrap Up

First off, I’m kind’a upset and don’t feel like doing anything but zoning out in front of the TV scratching myself and eating a gallon of chocolate chip ice cream. Something pissed me off this afternoon at lunch, and it shouldn’t have pissed me off. It shouldn’t have even bothered me at all. But it did and now I’m pissed off that I got pissed off. The original reason I was mad was really stupid and now I feel even more upset that I even let something so stupid piss me off so much.

Lame I know.

Enough about that unpleasantness, let’s get to the weekend.

Friday after I registered for the Chance for Children 5K, I stopped off at the Jazz for some linguini and shrimp, took it home and woofed it down. Then my pal came by and we went down to The Cashew on Grand for some First Friday action. There were a lot of smokin’ hot chicks down there. I’m gonna have to take my crew down their some time soon. The problem was that they had all the walls open (they’re like garage doors) and still had the air conditioning blowing full blast but it wasn’t doing a bit of good it was still balls HOT in there! My pall introduced me to a friend of hers that’s a personal trainer so I got some free tips from her about how to shorten my run time, she said “Run faster”… Thanks for the advice, lady. We stuck around until about 11 then went up to the Velvet Dog on Martini Corner. I had left about 12 or so because I had to get up at 6:15 for the run.

Saturday, I get up at 6:15 hit the shower and left the house about 6:45 or so. I get to my sister in laws house (C-boy’s wife’s (the SIL) twin sister) H-Bomb. We pile into her car and we are off to Corporate Woods in Overland Park. The race went off without a hitch except for the fact that when everyone started to line up for the start they were facing the WRONG DIRECTION! Dumb Shits! The race director or whomever finally turned everyone around. I or course was on the lookout for some hot chicks (as usual). There were a few but not many. They were walking so they went to the back so they wouldn’t get run over by the runners. The race went off without a hitch and it was a good time. The course was pretty easy, not very hilly at all. As I was rounding the 2.5 mile marker I picked up the pace. I should have picked it up at the 2 mile otherwise I would have done much better but I still finished 7th in my age bracket.

Check it out:

Before the race: Notice the dry shirt

Finishing the race: HEY is it cold in here?

After the race: Still soaking wet

(I cropped out the girls because even though I told them I was going to put them in here and they said O.K. I could tell they weren’t very O.K. with it, so I took them out.)

Saturday Night we were planning on going out to the T-Bones game but all the parents’ decided that it was too for the kids to sit outside at the game so we just played in the back yard of C-boys house. We took the kids and went to Yellow Sub for dinner. Here are some picks and a video of me teasing the kids, and the kids being kids. The Sis is doing the filming. I’m in the house.


After all that family fun time I went home and watched the movie 300 and Shooter. The movie 300 was a good movie but the DVD could have been a lot better. Where are all the deleted scenes and stuff? Shooter was a better movie than 300 and a better DVD. It has deleted scenes, and the making of and all kinds of extras.

Sunday was a waste I just sat around doing bubkus I slept until 1 p.m. (yea, I know your jealous). Sunday night I watched Number 23 now there is one hella cool movie. Those kinds of movies are my favorite kind of movie, with the messed up endings that you don’t see coming. Movies like the 6th Sense and The Usual Suspects, just to name a few are my favorite types of movies. The Number 23 DVD has a shit load of extras like the making of and background on this whole subculture of numerology. If I understand it correctly it’s just like Astrology but with numbers instead of stars. I also have Premonition that I still haven’t watched. Hello late fees! Hello NETflix!

Ya’ll have a nice day. And be NICE to each other. I read some fucked up post and comments today, so knock it off!

Thanks for reading. Stay cool because it’s freaking HOT out there!