100 Facts That You Didn't Know About The D

1. The D doesn't have to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Tall buildings duck under The D.

2. The D can delete the Recycling Bin.

3. When The D goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

4. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but The D says its beef, then it's beef.

5. Whenever The D plays Chutes and Ladders, he treats the chutes as ladders, because he's not some sissy who can't climb up a plastic slide.

6. When The D deletes files from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.

7. The D can slam revolving doors.

8. Once a cobra bit The D's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

9.The D can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.

10. Giraffes were created when The D uppercut a horse.

11. The D is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.

12. The D was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

13. On his birthday, The D randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

14. The D can speak braille.

15. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for The D.

16. The D once stated that he "doesn't wail on sissy boys." This led to the pink polo shirts with popped collars craze. Little do those pitiful fools know that The D was just making it easier to find sissy boys to wail on.

17. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. The D can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.

18. The D doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

19. The D does not sleep. He waits.

20. The D once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

21. World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, The D ate Kobayashi.

22. If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear The D laughing at you.

23. The D died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

24. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects The D could use to kill you, including the room itself.

25. The D sleeps with a night light. Not because The D is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of The D.

26. The D is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

27. The D's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools The D.

28. The D always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.

29. The D is the only one who can "try this at home."

30. The D beat a wall at tennis. Yes. A WALL.

31. The D's blood type is WD-40.

32. If The D wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.

33. The D played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

34. The last man who made eye contact with The D was Ray Charles.

35. The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that The D's basement was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.

36. You are what you eat. That is why The D's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

37. The D owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

38. Circles exist because The D beat the crap out of some squares.

39. The D had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow, and anywhere The D went the lamb was sure to go. So he killed it.

40. The D was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

41. The D invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.

42. Getting murdered by The D counts as a natural cause of death.

43. When The D plays any video game, God mode automatically turns on.

44. The D destroyed the periodic table, saying The D only recognizes the element of surprise.

45. The D puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

46. The D counted to infinity - twice.

47. The D can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

48. Only once has The D ever cried. The only survivors were a bunch of animals and some dude named Noah.

49. The popular video game "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from The D and forgot to pay him back.

50. The D's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.

51. The D and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.

52. The D once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

53. The D irons his shirts while he's wearing them.

54. The D once got caught doing 100 in a 50 zone. The cop did give him a speeding ticket, however The D still pleads his innocence to this day, stating that he was simply out for a morning jog.

55. The D wears a cup not to protect himself, but to protect the players on the other team.

56. The D knows the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow (African *AND* European).

57. Onions do not make The D cry. The D makes onions crap themselves.

58. If you haven't seen Alien vs. Predator yet, don't bother, The D wins.

59. The D was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

60. The D can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

61. The D was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.

62. On a high school math test, The D put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because The D solves all his problems with Violence.

63. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to The D and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

64. The D doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

65. The D does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

66. The D invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

67. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be The D.

68. Crop circles are The D's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down and shut the fuck up!.

69. The D does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. The D goes killing.

70. The D does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction.

71. There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because The D is going to walk.

72. When The D enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

73. The only time The D was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

74. The D has the heart of a child. He keeps it in a small box.

75. The word "lesbian" derives from an old Latin phrase that roughly translates as "She who has not yet been introduced to The D."

76. Superman owns a pair of The D pajamas.

77. The movie Ray is loosely based on the life of The D, only they substituted piano playing for eating toddlers, and blindness for the ability to fly.

78. What scientists thought was natural selection is actually only the continued survival of animals The D has found too chewy to eat.

79. When The D gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

80. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped The D's house one Christmas.

81. The D has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.

82. Weeping Willows are a result of The D yelling at trees for not being tough enough.

83. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when The D punched himself in the face.

84. The D can watch a season of "24" in just three hours.

85. The D is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right fist.

86. The D became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.

87. The D's dog is trained to pick up his own poop because The D will not take crap from anyone.

88. The D sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.

89. The D can predict the shuffle on his iPod.

90. The D used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

91. The D is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.

92. The D doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.

93. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: The D was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.

94. The D can kill two stones with one bird.

95. The D can tie his shoes with his feet.

96. The D is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.

97. The D can make a paraplegic run for his life.

98. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures The D allows to live.

99. When The D gets pulled over he lets the cop off with a warning.

100. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless The D has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Monday, April 23, 2007

The Interview

A few months ago I started to notice that I was getting hits from a blog based out of Minnesota, or maybe it was Wisconsin, to tell you the truth I don’t really know where she is based, it could be (wait for it… wait for it…) Uranus for all I know. I had come to find out that it was a delightful blog called Ms. Momma (she has been nominated for a Bloggers Choice Award for Best Photography Blog so she must know what she is doing).

Anyway a few post back she had a meme sent to her, she did the deal and put it out for people to request an interview from her.

So I requested an interview. (Besides who wouldn’t want to be interviewed by an attractive woman who only blogs while topless, or maybe it’s bottomless, or maybe it’s just while wearing an oversized tee-shirt with my profile pick on it, while staring at a portrait of me she painted on her ceiling (which by the way I bet really creeps her husband (boyfriend, girlfriend, or whatevea, out)… wait, what? I’m getting off the subject here… What was I talking about?

Here are her questions to me, my answers are in a different font than her questions but while I am writing this I have not yet decided which fonts to use so just deal with it!

Q.Your profile says your profession is engineering. Engineers are notorious for having absolutely no personalities and a difficult time socializing. How is it then that you have this amazing sense of humor and the gift of writing about it as well? Did you ever read Mad Magazine?

A. Engineers are known as boring people? How come I was not made aware of this stereotype sooner! I thought I knew about, and believed all stereotypes. (Especially the ones about the Jews and Mexicans) I thought engineers were known for their lack of personalities and no social skills? Wait… you just said that didn't you... o.k., ummm, never mind.

I am not technically an engineer. I am a designer of mechanical systems (which by the way is the only type of manly designer there is, any other type of designer is girly (not that there is anything wrong with that). The engineer decides the size of the duct work or piping and what type of equipment to use. I decide where they go in the building and make sure they all fit. I draw them on the computer using computer added drafting software. I'm also the official company time waster and Screw up. I don’t think I write very well (or is it good, whateva), which is why I apologize for the grammar and spelling over there on the right. I am also super fucking awesome!!!

Yes, I did read Mad Magazine but not on a regular basis, reading is for CHUMPS!

Q. Although I'm a vegetarian, I'm sure someone would be ecstatic to stumble upon your blog and find out where the best barbeque in your home town is. Where's it at The D, and why?

A. Who has the best bar-b-que in Kansas City is a question that men have been fighting wars over, for centuries, it was the cause of that fall of the Roman Empire and I am pretty sure it was the number one reason those STINKIN' JAPS! (as my Papa would say) attacked Pearl Harbor. This is not an easy question to answer but I will do my best.

First off any moron can cook some beef, chicken, turkey or ham, slap it on a bun, dump some sauce on it and call it good bar-b-que. That my friend is NOT the way you judge bar-b-que. You have to judge bar-b-que by a piece of meat that takes talent and YEARS of training and knowledge to prepare and cook. This is why I only judge bar-b-que shacks by one item, and one item only RIBS! Every single self respecting bar-b-que shack will have ribs, if they don’t then get the hell out, FAST!

Eating Bar-b-que in this town is an event it’s self, you can’t just drive thru and get a slab of ribs. It has to be enjoyed, savored, you can’t rush a good bar-b-que meal of ribs. I’m not going to get into condiments such as beans (btw, I thought I would drop this knowledge on ya’ll. Beans, beans are the musical fruit, the more you eat the more you toot! Beans, beans, they’re good for your heart, the more you eat the more you fart! BOO-YA!!) cole slaw, potato salad, and all that jazz. We are only talking RIBS here people!

Some of the more popular places to get a good slab of ribs are, Gates, Arthur Bryant’s, BB’s Lawn Side, Fiorella’s Jack Stack, Hayward, K.C. Masterpiece, Earl Quicks, Rosedale, and Zarda, (they all have some sort of spelling of bar-b-que in the tile and this answer is long enough, so I just dropped it. You can find all of these and more here. I am not going to link to each of them because you can just Google each one of them. Most if not all have a web site that you can order a slab or whatever for yourself and have it shipped any where in the world (even to a Marine in Iraq!). And have it for dinner or lunch the next day if you don’t live in Kansas City.

Now to answer your question, who has the best? For my money, taste buds, and waist line for that matter, I say it’s Earl Quicks I had to link to them because they are my fav ribs. There ribs are sooooo tender you can literally just hold the bone above your head and the meat will just slide off right into your mouth. When I am done eating a slab of these mamajamas, I literally look like Hannibal Lector (in the scene from Silence of the Lambs when he eats that security guards liver) with the sauce all over my face, and even in my hair (and on more than one occasion on my back.) It’s Awesome! I not only have to take a shower after eating a slab I also have to drink a lot of beer but that goes with out saying.

[On a personal note, I actually can’t eat a whole slab of ribs in one sitting. Back in the day (before the diet) I would order a whole slab, but eat only half and save the rest for the next day, and you know what? They were just as awesome!! But sadly I have not had them in about 7 months].

Q. You've been granted an all expense paid vacation to America's Dairyland with me, Ms. Mamma as your host. Do you opt to A.) Go to Lambeau Field for extreme tailgating where the Packers are playing oh, the Chiefs B.) take a private tour of Frank Lloyd Wright's summer home, Taliesin and a couple of local wineries or C.) Go to the Milwaukee Public Art Museum designed by Santiago Calatrava?

A. To answer your question with a question (I know its rude but) is clothing optional on the excursion? I keed, I keed!

Is this a trick question? If I were to choose anything other than Lambeau Field (i.e. the Pantheon of the NFL), all other males of the world would gang up on me, Draw and quarter me, tar and feather me, and make me toss some big fat dudes salad. I would have to turn in my Dude Card! Seriously, how could any self respecting dude not jump at the chance to go tailgate with the second greatest (Chiefs fans are the BEST) football fans in the world? I could teach those fudge Packer fans a thing or 2 about tail gating.

Q. You portray an extreme sense of animation in your blog. As a child, what was your favorite cartoon character or show? What about a favorite character/comedian from SNL?

A. Not sure what you mean by “extreme sense of animation”, but here goes… Wait, are you making fun of me?

Fav cartoon characters are (in no particular order) Scooby-doo, “rut row raggy”, or ZOINKS!, still crack me up, I always had thing for Velma. But that Daphne bitch was a hor! And we all know Fred was gay (not that there is anything wrong with that, I’m just sayin’). And that jerk–ass Scrappy–doo was an annoying little fucker. I also liked Foghorn Leghorn, (Get away from me kid ya bother me!) that big ass roster (no homo) from the Bugs Bunny show. And that little Chicken Hawk (apparently his name is Henry Chicken Hawk) always put a smile on my face. And for some strange reason Woody Woodpecker always gave me a woody.

As far a SNL goes there were a lot of them. My best memory from the first season is Chevy Chase doing the news, his first line “Hello, I’m Chevy Chase and you’re not” HILARIOUS in its simplicity. And Dan Ackroyd yelling at Jane Curtain, “JANE, YOU IGNORANT SLUT!” But those are all actors. I also liked the actress that played Rose Anna Rose Annadanna. She would get the subject matter wrong and Chevy Chase would correct her and she would say “Oh, O.K. ummm never mind”. HI-LARIOUS!!!! My favorite character would take me some time to think about but in the recent season or maybe it was last season was Amy Poehler as Katlin the little girl who screams “RICK, RICK, RICK”. Classic comedy right there. And you can’t forget about Gumby (DAMMIT!).

Q. You've recently lost a bunch of weight the old fashioned way. That is inspiring in today's climate of slice and dice gastrointestinal surgery. What was your motivation to "keep on keeping on" your way to fabulousness? Any tips you care to share? Let's say you just kept losing weight and the only way you COULD stay at your reasonable healthy weight was to eat only one food, what would it be? (okay, you CAN'T pick beer)

A. My motivation to keep going was that I have not, reached my goat weight. My parents always taught me to be goal orientated. Set a goal and do what you have to do to achieve it. If you did not reach your goal, why not? Did you do every thing that you could have done? Was the goal to ambitious or too lofty? Did you aim too high? Did you am too low?

Everyday I set a goal to get a certain amount of work done at the office, in the eight hours that I am there. If I don’t reach that goal I ask my self why? And I try to fix it the next day. I set this goal on the drive to work. On the way home if it’s a day that I will be running then I set a goal for running usually a better time.

Advise? Weight loss is a mother fucker! I have to constantly tell myself that I don’t need that king size Snickers that’s calling my name, or that I actually DON’T have to eat the WHOLE family size box of Mac & Cheese, or the entire drum of Honey Nut Cheerios. The easy part is the exercise, now anyway, When I first started working out I would be so sore I would just day Fuck it. But now if I don’t work out then I feel that I am cheating myself.

The thought process is easy. It’s simple math if you burn more calories that you consume then you will lose weight. Think about it like this: A water balloon is half full of water. If you keep putting water (food, calories) into it then it will continue to grow and expand (just like your waistline). But if you put a hole in the balloon and drain the water out (exercise) then the water balloon will not grow. If you drain more water out, than you are putting in then the water balloon will shrink (just like your waist line.) If you think of it like that then it sounds simple right? Well the water balloon does not crave burgers, fries, pizza, beer, lasagna, bar-b-que ribs, King size Snickers, and all that other stuff.

Now, that is weight loss, that is NOT being healthy. They are two entirely different things. In weight loss I just looked at the calories. If I wanted to eat healthy I would have looked at the grams of fat, calories from fat, amount of sodium, and all sorts of stuff.

There are just a lot of variables to eating healthy. But the number one rule in weight loss (and any trainer will tell you this) is to burn more calories that you consume on a daily basis. If your trainer does not tell you this then they don’t know what they are talking about and you need to get a new one.

A single food? First off beer is not a food it’s a drink so I can have that too. I might sound a little lame here but I would have to say King Size Snickers and Mountain Dew. Yup I could defiantly eat that forever and a day.

Q. Bonus question: Do you find yourself drawn more to the Weather Channel as you age?

A. NO.

(hey look at that it’s a short answer!!! Yeaaaaa!) And I don’t age I get more awesome!


Would you like me to interview you? I'm down with that so if you're interested:
1. Leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.” (If I don't have your email address (and I prolly don't, leave it in the comment section or click on my profile and send me an email)

2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions*.

3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.

4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post. You will not be able to interview me.

5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

*I promise the first question will NOT be “Will you have sex with me”? I can’t speak for any of the other question though.

Seriously, I will keep all questions on the up and up. No sex questions. Promise.