100 Facts That You Didn't Know About The D

1. The D doesn't have to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Tall buildings duck under The D.

2. The D can delete the Recycling Bin.

3. When The D goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

4. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but The D says its beef, then it's beef.

5. Whenever The D plays Chutes and Ladders, he treats the chutes as ladders, because he's not some sissy who can't climb up a plastic slide.

6. When The D deletes files from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.

7. The D can slam revolving doors.

8. Once a cobra bit The D's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

9.The D can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.

10. Giraffes were created when The D uppercut a horse.

11. The D is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.

12. The D was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

13. On his birthday, The D randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

14. The D can speak braille.

15. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for The D.

16. The D once stated that he "doesn't wail on sissy boys." This led to the pink polo shirts with popped collars craze. Little do those pitiful fools know that The D was just making it easier to find sissy boys to wail on.

17. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. The D can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.

18. The D doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

19. The D does not sleep. He waits.

20. The D once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

21. World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, The D ate Kobayashi.

22. If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear The D laughing at you.

23. The D died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

24. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects The D could use to kill you, including the room itself.

25. The D sleeps with a night light. Not because The D is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of The D.

26. The D is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

27. The D's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools The D.

28. The D always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.

29. The D is the only one who can "try this at home."

30. The D beat a wall at tennis. Yes. A WALL.

31. The D's blood type is WD-40.

32. If The D wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.

33. The D played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

34. The last man who made eye contact with The D was Ray Charles.

35. The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that The D's basement was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.

36. You are what you eat. That is why The D's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

37. The D owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

38. Circles exist because The D beat the crap out of some squares.

39. The D had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow, and anywhere The D went the lamb was sure to go. So he killed it.

40. The D was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

41. The D invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.

42. Getting murdered by The D counts as a natural cause of death.

43. When The D plays any video game, God mode automatically turns on.

44. The D destroyed the periodic table, saying The D only recognizes the element of surprise.

45. The D puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

46. The D counted to infinity - twice.

47. The D can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

48. Only once has The D ever cried. The only survivors were a bunch of animals and some dude named Noah.

49. The popular video game "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from The D and forgot to pay him back.

50. The D's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.

51. The D and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.

52. The D once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

53. The D irons his shirts while he's wearing them.

54. The D once got caught doing 100 in a 50 zone. The cop did give him a speeding ticket, however The D still pleads his innocence to this day, stating that he was simply out for a morning jog.

55. The D wears a cup not to protect himself, but to protect the players on the other team.

56. The D knows the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow (African *AND* European).

57. Onions do not make The D cry. The D makes onions crap themselves.

58. If you haven't seen Alien vs. Predator yet, don't bother, The D wins.

59. The D was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

60. The D can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

61. The D was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.

62. On a high school math test, The D put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because The D solves all his problems with Violence.

63. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to The D and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

64. The D doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

65. The D does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

66. The D invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

67. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be The D.

68. Crop circles are The D's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down and shut the fuck up!.

69. The D does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. The D goes killing.

70. The D does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction.

71. There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because The D is going to walk.

72. When The D enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

73. The only time The D was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

74. The D has the heart of a child. He keeps it in a small box.

75. The word "lesbian" derives from an old Latin phrase that roughly translates as "She who has not yet been introduced to The D."

76. Superman owns a pair of The D pajamas.

77. The movie Ray is loosely based on the life of The D, only they substituted piano playing for eating toddlers, and blindness for the ability to fly.

78. What scientists thought was natural selection is actually only the continued survival of animals The D has found too chewy to eat.

79. When The D gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

80. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped The D's house one Christmas.

81. The D has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.

82. Weeping Willows are a result of The D yelling at trees for not being tough enough.

83. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when The D punched himself in the face.

84. The D can watch a season of "24" in just three hours.

85. The D is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right fist.

86. The D became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.

87. The D's dog is trained to pick up his own poop because The D will not take crap from anyone.

88. The D sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.

89. The D can predict the shuffle on his iPod.

90. The D used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

91. The D is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.

92. The D doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.

93. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: The D was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.

94. The D can kill two stones with one bird.

95. The D can tie his shoes with his feet.

96. The D is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.

97. The D can make a paraplegic run for his life.

98. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures The D allows to live.

99. When The D gets pulled over he lets the cop off with a warning.

100. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless The D has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Monday, April 30, 2007

Trolley Run - The Confrontation!

On Sunday morning I ran in the Sabates Eye Center 19th Annual Trolley Run. This is my story and I'm sticken to it:

Saturday night I set the alarm for 6 a.m. Read some of the latest Sports Illustrated, and went to bed about 11:30. I wake up Sunday morning at 6:15 with the alarm blaring. Now I don't think I have to remind you that I absolutely HATE, HATE, HATE, getting up at ANY predetermined time on the weekends. I hate it just second to

Anyway I was running a little bit late but it was nothing to worry about. I had plenty of time to make it to the Plaza, park the car, and hop on a bus that would take me to the starting point.

Just as I was leaving the house I did a final systems check. Running shoes, check, socks, check, spandex shorts instead of underwear, check, running shorts, check, company tee shirt, check, Ironman watch, check. Sunday morning poop che.. Oh SHIT! I forgot to take my Sunday morning poop! Back in the house I go (pun IN tended).

I drive down to the Plaza and park in the first garage I get too, drive up to level 4 and park. Get out of the automobile, tie my computer chip (for timing purposes) to my shoe, and pin my bin number to my shirt. Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my keys? I sure as hell wasn't going to run with them in my hand. AHHH I thought I will just take my single car key and tie it to my other shoe! Pure genius idea right there people (you can use that if you want but make sure give me credit). I am so glad I thought of it.

With all that done it was time to get on the bus. I walk down the stairs of the parking garage and walk around the corner and, HOLY SHIT!! Where did all of these fucking people come from!! There must have been at least 10,000 runners there. Then I heard someone yell "Hey there's The D!" Then someone else yelled "We love you The D". Someone else yelled in a spanish accent "You can dooo eet da D!" Then this girl with really nice body and HUGE tits came up to me and gave me a really tight hug and said "I want to have your babies! Please can I have your babies, please! I want you to impregnate me!" They all started applauding me. Then everyone started chanting "THE D, THE D, THE D,...

O.k. so none of that happen but how sweet would that have been! But there was at least 10,000 people waiting for buses to the starting line. So I did the only natural thing to do and cut in line. I walked up to first bus and walked right on.

As I arrived at the starting line at 75th and Wornall in
Waldo. I went to the designated are for my bibb color (yellow) and began to stretch out and get motivated. Although, I did not have my Ipod with me to rock out to some Metallica. So I pretty much just stretched.
The fastest runners started (bibb color red) at 7:45 then the green color then the blue (the largest group) and then me in my yellow bibb and then the walkers and strollers.
As they called the yellow to their starting line. I was ready to get moving I mean I was PUMPED!! I was stuck in the middle of the masses so I new that an all out sprint from the starting line was out of the question. The MC, or at least the homeless lady, with the microphone, kept telling us to make sure we stepped on the mat so our time would start, thanks to the computer chip in our shoe laces. I remember thinking great I bet I will be the only one to get electrocuted the mili-second I step on that fucking mat. Then I bet I get trampled to death by all these JERKS. But I did not get hurt in anyway. She said go and the mass started moving to the mate and on to the race.

MILE 1 - As we started north on Wornall I was moving at a pretty kick ass pace I was dodging and weaving and weaving and dodging all though the masses of those slow running PUNKS! We turn right on some street (Gregory I think) I could see the front of our group. I said to myself "Self we are going to catch those
Mo-Fos if it kills us" We turn left on Main Street and there are only 2 people in front of me that are from my wave. But we are already catching the really slow walkers/runners from the wave that started in front of us. Then I look ahead to see the "Mile 1" is painted on the street. I go for a quick Tango Charlie (That's a time check for you non military people) I cross the one mile mark at 8:00 minuets even. HOLY SHIT I am really hauling ass here! This is my fastest start ever. Then I take a left on 69th (hehe I said 69) street. There were people sitting on their lawns and cheering us on but, sadly there was no one there cheering The D on. No one yelling "Come on The D you can do it" or "Run fast you disgusting fat body!" So with no one to cheer me on I cheered my self on. "Lets go Fucker!" myself told me. I took a left on Brookside Blvd and knew that we would not be taking anymore turns until we hit the Plaza again. Just past the corner was the second of the 2 hills that I would encounter. I was a bit winded at this point from running over a mile in a full blast pace so I let up a little so I could finish strong. We ran past The Brooksider and all of the other shops in the Brookside shopping district (or is it Center I don't know, whatev). As I passed 63rd street I remember thinking how nice it was to rundown the middle of the street for a change instead of the crappy KCMO sidewalks. I could see the only water station on the course a mile 2. I never did catch those first 2 people from my wave of runners.

Mile 2 - As I was coming up to the water station that was at the half way point of the course. I checked over my right shoulder to make sure I did not cut anyone off that may have been sprinting up on me like some asshole. I grabbed a cup of water on the fly. About 75 to 100 yards past the aid station this little kid come blowing past me he could not have been any older that 10-12 years old. He turns back to me and says "Haha I'm faster than you!" He was sort of singing it like little kids do. At this point he is right next to me and I have a cup of cold water in my hand. I look at him with my best FUCK YOU look. And say "Go fuck yourself, Bitch" and toss the rest of the water in his face. He stops and yells "DAD!!" My fist though was OH, FUCK I AND GOING TO GET MY ASS-KICKED! Then I here some dude yell "I told you not to screw with the runners, didn't I, now get over here, you deserved it". After hearing that I was quite relived. A runner from behind caught up and said that it was the funniest thing he had ever see on this race. I kept looking back expecting to see the kids old man was coming after me with a shot gun or a meat cleaver or a two foot pink jelly dong. My time for the second mile was 17:06. So I was way off my first mile pace. This mile took me 9:06 so I must have slowed a little more than I wanted too.

Mile 3 - I was starting to get kind of bored and I was wearing down. I needed some new motivation. Especially after seeing some people walking toward us with red bib number still on. "Shit they're already finished, I though?" Fucking cheaters I bet they took the bus or some thing, assholes. How can they already be finished? SHOW OFFS! So to remotivate myself I started to look way ahead of me for some hot chicks in sports bras and hot pants. Excellent! I find a red head and a blonde WAY up in front of me. So I pick up the pace and try to catch up to them.

Finish - As I was coming on to the Plaza just before
Brush Creek, still chasing the blond and red head, they were still about 75 yards ahead of me. At the intersection of Volker and Brookside Blvd. I hear the announcer at the finish line. Saying "Run all the way though the finish line banner" I look over to my left as I was just crossing over Brush Creek and think "What finish line banner I don’t see any stupid finish line banner? Where the fuck is the finish?" I turn left off of Brookside Blvd on to the west bound lanes of Ward Parkway. I see the finish line and start going full bore flat out sprint, on wait that's not right, I start going FULL BORE FLAT OUT SPRINT to the finish, like a 10 year old being chased my Michael Jackson with a hard-on. The finish was just about half way between Central and Broadway.

After my 2 or 3 block FULL BORE FLAT OUT SPRINT. I passed the finish line without falling down and face planting on the concrete which, if you have ever seen me play softball then you know that NOT falling down during a game is quite an amazing accomplishment for me. I stop my watch just as I cross the finish line. I look at the time but can't really read it because of all the sweat in my eyes and the spitting and the breathing I just make sure that the time has stopped counting. I slow to a walk about 20 yards past the finish (which by the way, still no one there cheering me on). I keep moving so I would not get run over by all those fat asses behind me. (I can call them that because I am one. Even though I am just on the cusp of not being one anymore).

Aftermath - After I catch my breath and turn in my computer chip I look at my watch it reads 35:00, NO FUCKING WAY! I thought there is know way I just ran 4 miles in 35 minuets flat! But that is what the watch says and that is what I am going with. That averages out to a per mile tile of 8:45. Which for me is pretty kick ass if I do say so my self. The time is suspect because I started it at the exact moment that I crossed the starting line. But sadly here is the "official time results"

I walked around a bit afterwards had a few cups of water and then went home for a nap. Overall it was a good time I will defiantly do it again next year. Plus I got a kick ass t-shirt from my employer for free and a second free t-shirt for participating.

Up next The Hospital Hill Run on June 2nd. I have not yet decided if I will run the 5K or run/walk the 10K. But there is no way I am doing the half marathon.

Who wants to join me?