A couple of tanker trucks exploded at a chemical plant in the west bottoms about 2 p.m today but of course I did not hear about it until 3:00 (because I was taking a shit from 2:05 to 2:55, more on that later) when I did my usual 3 o’clock break routine. First, I always check out Myspace.com too see if I have any new friends, sadly no one has requested me to be there friend since I started the dam thing almost 2 weeks ago. (Whats’ a dude gotta do to get a friend request in this town?)
Second I cruise thru all of those blogs you see on the right. I heard about the fire on Tony’s blog (which is where I get all of my breaking news and most of my minority jokes). I then wanted to find out more so I then hit up the best news channel in town. KCTV 5 (Our CBS affiliate). Sure they blow everything out of proportion, and make a simple story seem like, if you miss it then they will send Hitler's SS after you. But who doesn’t? Plus I think they have the hottest chick reporters in town (Helllllooo have you seen Sophia Wharton? She is smokin’,) (Did you just get that joke? You see there was a fire and I just said Sophia was smokin’ HAY-O!) Although I do have to admit that it is a little weird watching the news with my pants on for a change. Kind nice, but wired.
Wait, what was I talking about? I lost my train of thought? Oh yea, the fire in the west or was it the east bottoms anyway there was an explosion in some one's bottoms.
I have a friend that works for Commerce Bank downtown and she says that stuff was falling from the sky.
I said “Stuff? What kind of stuff?”
She said “I don’t know stuff”
I said “What do you mean stuff, like dildos and pocket vibrators or what?”.
I have been watching the news on 2 different network web sites Channel 5 (CBS, www.kctv5.com) and Channel 41 (NBC, www.kshb.com) mostly because I could not remember if Fox 4 (Ummm, that would be FOX www.myfoxkc.com) or Channel 9 (ABC www.thekansascitychannel.com) had helo’s or not (FYI they both do, I just looked). I had one on each monitor and kept muting one so I could hear the other for about 10 min and was really enjoying myself (without touching myself inappropriately at the work place, I know who would of though some one could have a good time with out touching ones genitalia) and did not have a care in the world then the bottom fell out.
Channel 5 brought in that weather skank Katie Horner, we in K.C. call her “Lady Domesday” or at least I do. I don’t know what anyone else calls her, because no one talks to me.
Katie goes in to this bit about how the smoke was climbing up to an altitude of 2000 feet and then the winds at that level were blowing at 10 mph. Then she starts talking about where and when this toxic smoke will be in YOUR neighborhood. And what to do about it. That is when the freak out begins. She practically gave my address on the air!! And I quote "If you live anywhere near the intersection of Westport Road (43rd on the Kansas side) and Rainbow you will need to take PRECAUTIONS regarding your air quality. HOLY FUCKING SHIT ON A SHINGLE!!! Did she just tell me that I was going to die if I breathed in the crap? How the fuck does she know that? I know those weather peeps are smart, but come on do you really expect me to shut off my furnace, so no out side air gets in my house? It's 12 degrees for cryin out loud! Where is Ron Burgundy when you need him?
I just got home it's a little after 6:00 some updates:
1. The smoke is not toxic. When I heard that I almost had an orgasm. And not just a standard orgasm, I talking about one of those orgasm where you pass out, fall down and hit your head on the living room coffee table and fall in to comma, it feels so good.
2. I don't have a # 2. I took a #2 earlier (weren't you listening?
3. If this fucks up LOST I am seriously going to go apeshit on someone's head down at channel 9.
That is it for me folks. Come back tomorrow for the Joke of the Day.