100 Facts That You Didn't Know About The D

1. The D doesn't have to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Tall buildings duck under The D.

2. The D can delete the Recycling Bin.

3. When The D goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

4. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but The D says its beef, then it's beef.

5. Whenever The D plays Chutes and Ladders, he treats the chutes as ladders, because he's not some sissy who can't climb up a plastic slide.

6. When The D deletes files from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.

7. The D can slam revolving doors.

8. Once a cobra bit The D's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

9.The D can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.

10. Giraffes were created when The D uppercut a horse.

11. The D is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.

12. The D was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

13. On his birthday, The D randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

14. The D can speak braille.

15. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for The D.

16. The D once stated that he "doesn't wail on sissy boys." This led to the pink polo shirts with popped collars craze. Little do those pitiful fools know that The D was just making it easier to find sissy boys to wail on.

17. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. The D can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.

18. The D doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

19. The D does not sleep. He waits.

20. The D once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

21. World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, The D ate Kobayashi.

22. If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear The D laughing at you.

23. The D died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

24. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects The D could use to kill you, including the room itself.

25. The D sleeps with a night light. Not because The D is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of The D.

26. The D is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

27. The D's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools The D.

28. The D always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.

29. The D is the only one who can "try this at home."

30. The D beat a wall at tennis. Yes. A WALL.

31. The D's blood type is WD-40.

32. If The D wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.

33. The D played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

34. The last man who made eye contact with The D was Ray Charles.

35. The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that The D's basement was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.

36. You are what you eat. That is why The D's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

37. The D owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

38. Circles exist because The D beat the crap out of some squares.

39. The D had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow, and anywhere The D went the lamb was sure to go. So he killed it.

40. The D was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

41. The D invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.

42. Getting murdered by The D counts as a natural cause of death.

43. When The D plays any video game, God mode automatically turns on.

44. The D destroyed the periodic table, saying The D only recognizes the element of surprise.

45. The D puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

46. The D counted to infinity - twice.

47. The D can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

48. Only once has The D ever cried. The only survivors were a bunch of animals and some dude named Noah.

49. The popular video game "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from The D and forgot to pay him back.

50. The D's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.

51. The D and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.

52. The D once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

53. The D irons his shirts while he's wearing them.

54. The D once got caught doing 100 in a 50 zone. The cop did give him a speeding ticket, however The D still pleads his innocence to this day, stating that he was simply out for a morning jog.

55. The D wears a cup not to protect himself, but to protect the players on the other team.

56. The D knows the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow (African *AND* European).

57. Onions do not make The D cry. The D makes onions crap themselves.

58. If you haven't seen Alien vs. Predator yet, don't bother, The D wins.

59. The D was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

60. The D can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

61. The D was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.

62. On a high school math test, The D put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because The D solves all his problems with Violence.

63. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to The D and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

64. The D doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

65. The D does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

66. The D invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

67. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be The D.

68. Crop circles are The D's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down and shut the fuck up!.

69. The D does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. The D goes killing.

70. The D does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction.

71. There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because The D is going to walk.

72. When The D enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

73. The only time The D was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

74. The D has the heart of a child. He keeps it in a small box.

75. The word "lesbian" derives from an old Latin phrase that roughly translates as "She who has not yet been introduced to The D."

76. Superman owns a pair of The D pajamas.

77. The movie Ray is loosely based on the life of The D, only they substituted piano playing for eating toddlers, and blindness for the ability to fly.

78. What scientists thought was natural selection is actually only the continued survival of animals The D has found too chewy to eat.

79. When The D gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

80. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped The D's house one Christmas.

81. The D has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.

82. Weeping Willows are a result of The D yelling at trees for not being tough enough.

83. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when The D punched himself in the face.

84. The D can watch a season of "24" in just three hours.

85. The D is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right fist.

86. The D became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.

87. The D's dog is trained to pick up his own poop because The D will not take crap from anyone.

88. The D sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.

89. The D can predict the shuffle on his iPod.

90. The D used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

91. The D is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.

92. The D doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.

93. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: The D was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.

94. The D can kill two stones with one bird.

95. The D can tie his shoes with his feet.

96. The D is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.

97. The D can make a paraplegic run for his life.

98. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures The D allows to live.

99. When The D gets pulled over he lets the cop off with a warning.

100. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless The D has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Death of a Cell Phone

The following story is true only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Three of my friends and I went down to the lake over the June 3rd weekend. We meet at my house about 3 and loaded up the SUV for the 2.5 hour drive. On the way down I decided that everyone was going to need a nickname for the weekend. I came up with Mr. AWESOME, because I just think that it’s a funny name. REGGIE because this guy was wearing a Reggie Sanders tee shirt, and then there was Booster because I could not think of anything else for this other dude.

We stayed at a friend’s condo at Harbor Point. It’s about a 500 yard walk from Shooters 21. On Friday night we had dinner at Dorsey’s Pit Stop which is a little bar & restaurant, plus gas station for your boat. I had the beef brisket sammich. And to my surprise it came out LOADED with pickles (read the post if you have not yet). Why would someone ruin a perfectly good sammich by putting pickles on it? So I sent the fucking sammich back and told the beer wench to get me another one and to hold the mutha-fuckin’ pickles!!! My friends just sat there with there jaws on the ground. They could not believe that I went off on the waitress like that, they were totally shitting themselves. It was awesome!

After Dorsey’s we headed to back to the room to rock out with Reggie’s IPOD which we also used on the road trip down. He had some really great classic rock and roll and some good 80’s heavy metal. After few beers at the condo we called a cab to take us to Topsiders which is the place where everybody goes on Friday nights. At least that has been our past experiences with going to the lake for 20 some odd years or so we thought. The place was dead but there were a couple of large bachelorette parties that we had some fun screwing with.

We stayed until close and then realized that we took a cab there and had not been able to snag a ride home yet. So I saw a girl I was chatting up a few hours ago walking to her car alone so I ran after her and asked her if she could give us a ride home, she was alone so she said sure. Once the other guys found out her name (Jenny) they started making fun of her talking like Forest Gump calling her "Jenny", which she thought was funny but I thought was annoying, but whatever. She dropped us off in front of the condo.

By the time I got inside Reggie was on my cell phone ordering something moronic from QVC like a sheep shear, or dog genitalia remover tool. He is always doing something really idiotic when he is wasted.

So I ripped my cell phone out of his hand and closed it, and yelled at him “Stay the fuck off my cell phone, Douche Bag!.”

He then ripped it from my grasp. Told me to “Go fuck yourself” and did his best impression of Noland Ryan by absolutely heaving it across the room. Upon impact with the wall, my cell phone, of eight years, split like a virgins legs on prom night. I instantly thought of all the phone numbers that I had stored in it and have just lost in an instant. Mr. Awesome and Booster were just laughing there stupid faces off like it was the funniest thing they have ever seen. I was just standing there with shit in my pants and rage in my fist.

I picked up the tiny pieces of what remained of the cell phone while holding back tears, and the thought of having to go though the pain, and agony of having to go cell phone shopping and thinking of all the phone numbers that were now gone to forever, because I am not smart enough to make backup copies of the numbers that I had in it.

The next morning Reggie did not remember even throwing the phone at the wall until I showed him the results of his actions. He then said his apologies and offered to buy me a new cell phone. I asked him what I supposed to for the next week, while I was still bitching at him he got up and tried to put the busted cell phone back together. Much to my surprise he was successful in his quest to repair the phone. Although I still had to hold the phone together it was able to be turned on and I was able to get all of the numbers that were stored in it. Although that was good news I was still a little peeved, so I would not let him off the hook for getting me a new cell phone.

After spending a week out of town I came home and started my quest for a new cell phone I had a couple of ideas if the cell phones that I wanted. I also knew that I would be changing carriers. Basically, because Sprint/Nextel was twice as much a month for the same number of minuets. So that was a no brainer.

So this is my new cell phone I went with the SLIVER because I have a couple of friends that already have the razor, and I wanted a cool phone, not like that piece of shit I had before. It has iTunes so I can now listen to 100 songs that I can down load from my computer. Plus it can take pictures and 15-20 second videos. I know it’s pretty sweet, don’t get too jealous. If you want one go here.

This is the old busted phone.

"If you drink don't drive. If you drive don't drink. If you have sex wear a condom for Christ Sakes!"