The D Rules!!: Best Purchase EVER!!

100 Facts That You Didn't Know About The D

1. The D doesn't have to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Tall buildings duck under The D.

2. The D can delete the Recycling Bin.

3. When The D goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

4. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but The D says its beef, then it's beef.

5. Whenever The D plays Chutes and Ladders, he treats the chutes as ladders, because he's not some sissy who can't climb up a plastic slide.

6. When The D deletes files from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.

7. The D can slam revolving doors.

8. Once a cobra bit The D's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

9.The D can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.

10. Giraffes were created when The D uppercut a horse.

11. The D is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.

12. The D was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

13. On his birthday, The D randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

14. The D can speak braille.

15. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for The D.

16. The D once stated that he "doesn't wail on sissy boys." This led to the pink polo shirts with popped collars craze. Little do those pitiful fools know that The D was just making it easier to find sissy boys to wail on.

17. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. The D can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.

18. The D doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

19. The D does not sleep. He waits.

20. The D once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

21. World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, The D ate Kobayashi.

22. If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear The D laughing at you.

23. The D died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

24. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects The D could use to kill you, including the room itself.

25. The D sleeps with a night light. Not because The D is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of The D.

26. The D is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

27. The D's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools The D.

28. The D always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.

29. The D is the only one who can "try this at home."

30. The D beat a wall at tennis. Yes. A WALL.

31. The D's blood type is WD-40.

32. If The D wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.

33. The D played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

34. The last man who made eye contact with The D was Ray Charles.

35. The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that The D's basement was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.

36. You are what you eat. That is why The D's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

37. The D owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

38. Circles exist because The D beat the crap out of some squares.

39. The D had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow, and anywhere The D went the lamb was sure to go. So he killed it.

40. The D was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

41. The D invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.

42. Getting murdered by The D counts as a natural cause of death.

43. When The D plays any video game, God mode automatically turns on.

44. The D destroyed the periodic table, saying The D only recognizes the element of surprise.

45. The D puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

46. The D counted to infinity - twice.

47. The D can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

48. Only once has The D ever cried. The only survivors were a bunch of animals and some dude named Noah.

49. The popular video game "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from The D and forgot to pay him back.

50. The D's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.

51. The D and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.

52. The D once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

53. The D irons his shirts while he's wearing them.

54. The D once got caught doing 100 in a 50 zone. The cop did give him a speeding ticket, however The D still pleads his innocence to this day, stating that he was simply out for a morning jog.

55. The D wears a cup not to protect himself, but to protect the players on the other team.

56. The D knows the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow (African *AND* European).

57. Onions do not make The D cry. The D makes onions crap themselves.

58. If you haven't seen Alien vs. Predator yet, don't bother, The D wins.

59. The D was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

60. The D can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

61. The D was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.

62. On a high school math test, The D put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because The D solves all his problems with Violence.

63. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to The D and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

64. The D doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

65. The D does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

66. The D invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

67. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be The D.

68. Crop circles are The D's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down and shut the fuck up!.

69. The D does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. The D goes killing.

70. The D does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction.

71. There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because The D is going to walk.

72. When The D enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

73. The only time The D was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

74. The D has the heart of a child. He keeps it in a small box.

75. The word "lesbian" derives from an old Latin phrase that roughly translates as "She who has not yet been introduced to The D."

76. Superman owns a pair of The D pajamas.

77. The movie Ray is loosely based on the life of The D, only they substituted piano playing for eating toddlers, and blindness for the ability to fly.

78. What scientists thought was natural selection is actually only the continued survival of animals The D has found too chewy to eat.

79. When The D gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

80. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped The D's house one Christmas.

81. The D has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.

82. Weeping Willows are a result of The D yelling at trees for not being tough enough.

83. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when The D punched himself in the face.

84. The D can watch a season of "24" in just three hours.

85. The D is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right fist.

86. The D became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.

87. The D's dog is trained to pick up his own poop because The D will not take crap from anyone.

88. The D sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.

89. The D can predict the shuffle on his iPod.

90. The D used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

91. The D is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.

92. The D doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.

93. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: The D was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.

94. The D can kill two stones with one bird.

95. The D can tie his shoes with his feet.

96. The D is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.

97. The D can make a paraplegic run for his life.

98. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures The D allows to live.

99. When The D gets pulled over he lets the cop off with a warning.

100. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless The D has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Saturday, May 19, 2007

Best Purchase EVER!!

I know I have been leading ya'll on about this SUPER AWESOME package that I ordered late last week. But the tease is over, in this post I will unveil what, exactly what was that I purchased. And how I came to own it.

I will start with the unveiling.

“what could it be?”

“I’m so excited!!!”
I’m getting pretty good at working the delay on my camera.

It’s OPEN THE BOX IS OPEN!!! WOO-HOO!!

Packing material is removed! The tension builds.

How excited are you right now?

IT’S A LAPTOP!!! REJOICE!! REJOICE!! IT’S A LAPTOP!!

But does it work?

Power Up!! YYYEEESSS!! Success!!!! HAZAH!!!

Accessories!! AWESOME!!

What the hell? A remote? What do I need a remote for?

Headphones TOO? Can this get any better?

Manuals, I don’t need any stinking manuals.

Closed sitting on the couch.

Open sitting on the couch, just chillin’

Now, some pics of me just looking stupid with the new laptop.
Insert your own captions.

Now for some much needed background.

A few weeks ago my Uncle Tom was in town from Boise, Idaho (IDAHO! YOU DA HOE!!) for his mothers (not my grand-mother) 90th birthday party. (He is my uncle by marriage, his wife, my aunt Janis, is my mothers younger sister). She stayed in back home Boise. I’m close with them and my cousins because I spent the summer in Boise after I graduated high school in ’89. It’s always a good time when any one of them come to town. Even though they’re former dirty fuckin’ hippies.

We are sitting around the dinner table at my moms just talking and Tom mentions that Janis, in her spare time, buys busted or refurbished laptops, and computers from ebay, puts new parts in them and resells them back on ebay. So we get to talking and he says that most of them are just missing a power cord, or for whatever reason did not pass an inspection at the factory.

A few days later I email Janis and ask her about the quality of the computers that she buys and sells on ebay. She told me that she had one that was brand new that did not pass the inspection at the factory that she just bought for $1000 bucks buy would sell to me for $700 (shipping included). I reply to her email and she tells me a little about the laptop, but says nothing about a built in wireless card. This was going to be a deal breaker for me. The #1 option that I was going to need was a built-in wireless capability.

I pick up the package from the post office on Wednesday. Now I have to get a wireless modem. I was going to just order one from southwestern bell. But then I would have to wait a couple of more days before I could get on-line. So I said screw that noise and hit Microcenter.com They had some on sale so I bolted out there and picked one up for 50 bucks. Now I have never done some thing like this before but I new I could do it.

Rebooting after installing wireless software.
Will it work? Did I destroy my new laptop?

Pee break!!!

HAZAH!!! I’M WIRELESS. YYYYEEESSSS!!!

I don’t remember what I’m doing here but it must be great!!

Now for some specs on the lap top. It's an HP, it has 1 gig of memory, a dual core 2.0 gig processor It has a dvd burner and a built in wireless card. A 100 gig hard drive. The screen is 17", and a shit load of external ports. Windows XP and Windows Media (although I am not sure what Media does but I will soon find out). It also has Microsoft 2003 Office (which will soon be updated to 2007, or what ever the lated version is out). I have also graduated to FireFox web browser.

Now for the best option. Are you ready for this, It has a built in MICROPHONE!!! Do you have any idea what that means? Well I'll tell you what it means. I means that I can now record myself saying something really fucking funny and then post it as a blog post.(that is when I figure our how to do that.) How awesome will that be? It will be TOTALLY FUCKING AWESOME!!!

Now I just need to set up a home network so I can transfer files from my PC to the laptop and vice versa. I need to transfer all my music, and pictures. So I can share them.

I bought this laptop, (btw this is my first post written from the laptop. YEA!!) for $700 buck and it retails for $1500, not a bad buy if you ask me. Plus I can pay my aunt whenever I get the cash to do so. I will probably send her 100 a month.

I have some more stuff to play with on this thing . So peace out, and thanks for reading!