100 Facts That You Didn't Know About The D

1. The D doesn't have to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Tall buildings duck under The D.

2. The D can delete the Recycling Bin.

3. When The D goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

4. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but The D says its beef, then it's beef.

5. Whenever The D plays Chutes and Ladders, he treats the chutes as ladders, because he's not some sissy who can't climb up a plastic slide.

6. When The D deletes files from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.

7. The D can slam revolving doors.

8. Once a cobra bit The D's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

9.The D can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.

10. Giraffes were created when The D uppercut a horse.

11. The D is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.

12. The D was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

13. On his birthday, The D randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

14. The D can speak braille.

15. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for The D.

16. The D once stated that he "doesn't wail on sissy boys." This led to the pink polo shirts with popped collars craze. Little do those pitiful fools know that The D was just making it easier to find sissy boys to wail on.

17. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. The D can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.

18. The D doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

19. The D does not sleep. He waits.

20. The D once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

21. World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, The D ate Kobayashi.

22. If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear The D laughing at you.

23. The D died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

24. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects The D could use to kill you, including the room itself.

25. The D sleeps with a night light. Not because The D is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of The D.

26. The D is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

27. The D's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools The D.

28. The D always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.

29. The D is the only one who can "try this at home."

30. The D beat a wall at tennis. Yes. A WALL.

31. The D's blood type is WD-40.

32. If The D wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.

33. The D played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

34. The last man who made eye contact with The D was Ray Charles.

35. The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that The D's basement was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.

36. You are what you eat. That is why The D's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

37. The D owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

38. Circles exist because The D beat the crap out of some squares.

39. The D had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow, and anywhere The D went the lamb was sure to go. So he killed it.

40. The D was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

41. The D invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.

42. Getting murdered by The D counts as a natural cause of death.

43. When The D plays any video game, God mode automatically turns on.

44. The D destroyed the periodic table, saying The D only recognizes the element of surprise.

45. The D puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

46. The D counted to infinity - twice.

47. The D can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

48. Only once has The D ever cried. The only survivors were a bunch of animals and some dude named Noah.

49. The popular video game "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from The D and forgot to pay him back.

50. The D's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.

51. The D and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.

52. The D once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

53. The D irons his shirts while he's wearing them.

54. The D once got caught doing 100 in a 50 zone. The cop did give him a speeding ticket, however The D still pleads his innocence to this day, stating that he was simply out for a morning jog.

55. The D wears a cup not to protect himself, but to protect the players on the other team.

56. The D knows the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow (African *AND* European).

57. Onions do not make The D cry. The D makes onions crap themselves.

58. If you haven't seen Alien vs. Predator yet, don't bother, The D wins.

59. The D was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

60. The D can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

61. The D was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.

62. On a high school math test, The D put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because The D solves all his problems with Violence.

63. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to The D and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

64. The D doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

65. The D does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

66. The D invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

67. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be The D.

68. Crop circles are The D's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down and shut the fuck up!.

69. The D does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. The D goes killing.

70. The D does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction.

71. There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because The D is going to walk.

72. When The D enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

73. The only time The D was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

74. The D has the heart of a child. He keeps it in a small box.

75. The word "lesbian" derives from an old Latin phrase that roughly translates as "She who has not yet been introduced to The D."

76. Superman owns a pair of The D pajamas.

77. The movie Ray is loosely based on the life of The D, only they substituted piano playing for eating toddlers, and blindness for the ability to fly.

78. What scientists thought was natural selection is actually only the continued survival of animals The D has found too chewy to eat.

79. When The D gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

80. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped The D's house one Christmas.

81. The D has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.

82. Weeping Willows are a result of The D yelling at trees for not being tough enough.

83. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when The D punched himself in the face.

84. The D can watch a season of "24" in just three hours.

85. The D is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right fist.

86. The D became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.

87. The D's dog is trained to pick up his own poop because The D will not take crap from anyone.

88. The D sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.

89. The D can predict the shuffle on his iPod.

90. The D used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

91. The D is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.

92. The D doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.

93. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: The D was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.

94. The D can kill two stones with one bird.

95. The D can tie his shoes with his feet.

96. The D is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.

97. The D can make a paraplegic run for his life.

98. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures The D allows to live.

99. When The D gets pulled over he lets the cop off with a warning.

100. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless The D has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Friday, April 20, 2007

The Perfect Sammich

I found this article in Yahoo! a few days ago. It attempts to describe the perfect Peanut Butter and Jelly sammich a.k.a PB&J, or as I like to call it heaven in a sammich.

First off they call it a
PBJ, what the hell is a PBJ a Public Blow Job? A Partially Birthed Jamaican? It’s called a PB AND J and it stands for a Peanut Butter AND Jelly. How can you intelligently talk about a subject and not even get the name right? Cheese & Rice people get your head in the game for fucks sake!

Now that we have examined that bullshit title lets move on. Lets discuss the PB in the Peanut Butter and Jelly sammich then we will move on to the Jelly (I shall also allow Jam to be discussed). Then we shall examine the bread and assembly. And lastly, we will look at any condiments.

PB - First, these jerk offs tried to include a peanut butter that was actually recalled because of salmonella poisoning or something like that so that just goes to show you how intelligent these people were. The article says that they did not include
Jif Extra Crunchy Peanut Butter. That right there folks makes this entire test invalid. It is IMPOSSIBLE (and immoral for that matter) to make a PB&J sammich without Jif Extra Crunchy. And if you do make a PB&J Sammich out of anything other than the best Peanut Butter EVER! Then I am pretty sure you are committing a sin (which one I am not sure of but I think it’s #6) and you are in general a bad person.

J - The Jelly (in the future you may substitute Jam for Jelly. Even though it’s Peanut Butter and JELLY, NOT JAM). My feelings on this are not nearly as strong as they are for the Peanut Butter but I do have some requirements. The Jelly must be
grape. I will not waver on this. No apple, black raspberry, blackberry, Currant, Elderberry (whateva those are, they sound yucky) Guave (which I think is bat shit, but I am not sure), Red Raspberry, or strawberry, or peach, no nothing, but grape jelly. My fav is Smuckers, will suffice.

Bread - The article suggest white bread and I agree. (Amazingly, this is the only part of the article that I agree with). There are many types of
white bread but really, white bread is white bread, once you have had one brand you have pretty much had them all, just like Mexican women, had one had them all. You can use any type of white bread from Wonder Bread all the way down to the “Always Save” or “Best Choice” store bought brands it really does not matter to me. Parents, leave the fucking crust on the bread for the love of Pete! It is full of important daily nutrients that you and child needs.

Assembly - This is now I do it and this is now you WILL do it if you are ever lucky enough to make me a PB&J sammich. First assemble the materials, you will need one kitchen knife, one jar of Smuckers Grape Jelly, one jar of Jif Extra Crunchy, three (yes 3) slices of white bread.

  • Step 1 - Spread the PB on one side of 2 slices of bread. Make sure you cover the entire side of the bread, and don’t be stingy on the PB. I like my sammich and my women the same way – sticky! Set one slice aside for later assembly. Lick the knife clean (we don’t want you getting peanut butter in the Jelly jar). Be careful don’t cut your tongue.

  • Step 2 - Get the last unused slice of bread and apply the Jelly to one side. After you apply the jelly, place the jelly side on top of one side of the previously prepared slice with the peanut butter. Make sure the jelly and the peanut butter are on the inside of the sammich. At this point the sammich should resemble a normal sized sammich that 10 years old would eat. But I am not a 10 year old, I’m 36, so I will need a bigger sammich. Lick the knife clean (think of all the knife licking as an appetizer for you, I on the other hand will consider it foreplay).

  • Step 3 - Apply the grape jelly to the opposite side of the same slice that has the grape jelly. This will ensure that the jelly is on the inside slice of our triple decker sammich.

  • Step 4 – Place the previously made slice containing the peanut butter on top of the jelly side of the already made sammich. Lick knife clean.
  • Whala!! You did it!

    But before we consume let’s check our work .My sammich should go like this: (from top to bottom)
    Layer of Peanut Butter
    Layer of Jelly
    Layer of Jelly
    Layer of Peanut Butter

    If the layering is not correct then you will have to make me another sammich. I will eat this one but you will have to redo it until you get it right. Just like sex keep doing it with me until your satisfied.

    Condiments – My fav is
    Fritos Original Corn Chips. You can use any type of chips that you like after all, this is the United States Of American right? You do have choices you know. You can use any flavor of Fritos, Cheetos, Doritos, or just plain ‘tater chips it’s your choice. But this is my fucking sammich and you will make it the way I choose, GOD DAMMIT, WOMAN!

    As far as drink, nothing goes better with a nice triple decker PB&J sammich than a nice glass of 2% milk. Again the milk must be just the way I like it, cold and big just like my women, but white not chocolate.

    Personal Customizations – As far as customizations go I like to take the sammich apart and put the Fritos inside the sammich and reassemble. I have been doing it this way since I was 8 and I will keep doing it this way because that is the way I like it. It makes the sammich even crunchier and that is the way I like my sammich, crunchy just like my women.

    That my friends is the Perfect PB&J Sammich I call it “The D’s Triple Decker Pecker Wecker Slice of Heaven PB&J Sammich”.

    So now you know my favorite lunch, and my favorite dinner (#43). In a few weeks we shall discuss my fav breakfast.

    Have a nice weekend and I will see ya'll on Monday!