I found this article in Yahoo! a few days ago. It attempts to describe the perfect Peanut Butter and Jelly sammich a.k.a PB&J, or as I like to call it heaven in a sammich.
First off they call it a PBJ, what the hell is a PBJ a Public Blow Job? A Partially Birthed Jamaican? It’s called a PB AND J and it stands for a Peanut Butter AND Jelly. How can you intelligently talk about a subject and not even get the name right? Cheese & Rice people get your head in the game for fucks sake!
Now that we have examined that bullshit title lets move on. Lets discuss the PB in the Peanut Butter and Jelly sammich then we will move on to the Jelly (I shall also allow Jam to be discussed). Then we shall examine the bread and assembly. And lastly, we will look at any condiments.
PB - First, these jerk offs tried to include a peanut butter that was actually recalled because of salmonella poisoning or something like that so that just goes to show you how intelligent these people were. The article says that they did not include Jif Extra Crunchy Peanut Butter. That right there folks makes this entire test invalid. It is IMPOSSIBLE (and immoral for that matter) to make a PB&J sammich without Jif Extra Crunchy. And if you do make a PB&J Sammich out of anything other than the best Peanut Butter EVER! Then I am pretty sure you are committing a sin (which one I am not sure of but I think it’s #6) and you are in general a bad person.
J - The Jelly (in the future you may substitute Jam for Jelly. Even though it’s Peanut Butter and JELLY, NOT JAM). My feelings on this are not nearly as strong as they are for the Peanut Butter but I do have some requirements. The Jelly must be grape. I will not waver on this. No apple, black raspberry, blackberry, Currant, Elderberry (whateva those are, they sound yucky) Guave (which I think is bat shit, but I am not sure), Red Raspberry, or strawberry, or peach, no nothing, but grape jelly. My fav is Smuckers, will suffice.
Bread - The article suggest white bread and I agree. (Amazingly, this is the only part of the article that I agree with). There are many types of white bread but really, white bread is white bread, once you have had one brand you have pretty much had them all, just like Mexican women, had one had them all. You can use any type of white bread from Wonder Bread all the way down to the “Always Save” or “Best Choice” store bought brands it really does not matter to me. Parents, leave the fucking crust on the bread for the love of Pete! It is full of important daily nutrients that you and child needs.
Assembly - This is now I do it and this is now you WILL do it if you are ever lucky enough to make me a PB&J sammich. First assemble the materials, you will need one kitchen knife, one jar of Smuckers Grape Jelly, one jar of Jif Extra Crunchy, three (yes 3) slices of white bread.
- Step 1 - Spread the PB on one side of 2 slices of bread. Make sure you cover the entire side of the bread, and don’t be stingy on the PB. I like my sammich and my women the same way – sticky! Set one slice aside for later assembly. Lick the knife clean (we don’t want you getting peanut butter in the Jelly jar). Be careful don’t cut your tongue.
Whala!! You did it!
But before we consume let’s check our work .My sammich should go like this: (from top to bottom)
Layer of Peanut Butter
Layer of Jelly
Layer of Jelly
Layer of Peanut Butter
If the layering is not correct then you will have to make me another sammich. I will eat this one but you will have to redo it until you get it right. Just like sex keep doing it with me until your satisfied.
Condiments – My fav is Fritos Original Corn Chips. You can use any type of chips that you like after all, this is the United States Of American right? You do have choices you know. You can use any flavor of Fritos, Cheetos, Doritos, or just plain ‘tater chips it’s your choice. But this is my fucking sammich and you will make it the way I choose, GOD DAMMIT, WOMAN!
As far as drink, nothing goes better with a nice triple decker PB&J sammich than a nice glass of 2% milk. Again the milk must be just the way I like it, cold and big just like my women, but white not chocolate.
Personal Customizations – As far as customizations go I like to take the sammich apart and put the Fritos inside the sammich and reassemble. I have been doing it this way since I was 8 and I will keep doing it this way because that is the way I like it. It makes the sammich even crunchier and that is the way I like my sammich, crunchy just like my women.
That my friends is the Perfect PB&J Sammich I call it “The D’s Triple Decker Pecker Wecker Slice of Heaven PB&J Sammich”.
So now you know my favorite lunch, and my favorite dinner (#43). In a few weeks we shall discuss my fav breakfast.
Have a nice weekend and I will see ya'll on Monday!