100 Facts That You Didn't Know About The D

1. The D doesn't have to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Tall buildings duck under The D.

2. The D can delete the Recycling Bin.

3. When The D goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

4. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but The D says its beef, then it's beef.

5. Whenever The D plays Chutes and Ladders, he treats the chutes as ladders, because he's not some sissy who can't climb up a plastic slide.

6. When The D deletes files from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.

7. The D can slam revolving doors.

8. Once a cobra bit The D's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

9.The D can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.

10. Giraffes were created when The D uppercut a horse.

11. The D is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.

12. The D was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

13. On his birthday, The D randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

14. The D can speak braille.

15. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for The D.

16. The D once stated that he "doesn't wail on sissy boys." This led to the pink polo shirts with popped collars craze. Little do those pitiful fools know that The D was just making it easier to find sissy boys to wail on.

17. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. The D can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.

18. The D doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

19. The D does not sleep. He waits.

20. The D once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

21. World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, The D ate Kobayashi.

22. If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear The D laughing at you.

23. The D died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

24. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects The D could use to kill you, including the room itself.

25. The D sleeps with a night light. Not because The D is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of The D.

26. The D is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

27. The D's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools The D.

28. The D always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.

29. The D is the only one who can "try this at home."

30. The D beat a wall at tennis. Yes. A WALL.

31. The D's blood type is WD-40.

32. If The D wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.

33. The D played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

34. The last man who made eye contact with The D was Ray Charles.

35. The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that The D's basement was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.

36. You are what you eat. That is why The D's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

37. The D owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

38. Circles exist because The D beat the crap out of some squares.

39. The D had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow, and anywhere The D went the lamb was sure to go. So he killed it.

40. The D was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

41. The D invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.

42. Getting murdered by The D counts as a natural cause of death.

43. When The D plays any video game, God mode automatically turns on.

44. The D destroyed the periodic table, saying The D only recognizes the element of surprise.

45. The D puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

46. The D counted to infinity - twice.

47. The D can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

48. Only once has The D ever cried. The only survivors were a bunch of animals and some dude named Noah.

49. The popular video game "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from The D and forgot to pay him back.

50. The D's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.

51. The D and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.

52. The D once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

53. The D irons his shirts while he's wearing them.

54. The D once got caught doing 100 in a 50 zone. The cop did give him a speeding ticket, however The D still pleads his innocence to this day, stating that he was simply out for a morning jog.

55. The D wears a cup not to protect himself, but to protect the players on the other team.

56. The D knows the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow (African *AND* European).

57. Onions do not make The D cry. The D makes onions crap themselves.

58. If you haven't seen Alien vs. Predator yet, don't bother, The D wins.

59. The D was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

60. The D can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

61. The D was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.

62. On a high school math test, The D put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because The D solves all his problems with Violence.

63. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to The D and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

64. The D doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

65. The D does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

66. The D invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

67. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be The D.

68. Crop circles are The D's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down and shut the fuck up!.

69. The D does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. The D goes killing.

70. The D does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction.

71. There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because The D is going to walk.

72. When The D enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

73. The only time The D was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

74. The D has the heart of a child. He keeps it in a small box.

75. The word "lesbian" derives from an old Latin phrase that roughly translates as "She who has not yet been introduced to The D."

76. Superman owns a pair of The D pajamas.

77. The movie Ray is loosely based on the life of The D, only they substituted piano playing for eating toddlers, and blindness for the ability to fly.

78. What scientists thought was natural selection is actually only the continued survival of animals The D has found too chewy to eat.

79. When The D gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

80. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped The D's house one Christmas.

81. The D has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.

82. Weeping Willows are a result of The D yelling at trees for not being tough enough.

83. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when The D punched himself in the face.

84. The D can watch a season of "24" in just three hours.

85. The D is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right fist.

86. The D became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.

87. The D's dog is trained to pick up his own poop because The D will not take crap from anyone.

88. The D sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.

89. The D can predict the shuffle on his iPod.

90. The D used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

91. The D is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.

92. The D doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.

93. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: The D was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.

94. The D can kill two stones with one bird.

95. The D can tie his shoes with his feet.

96. The D is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.

97. The D can make a paraplegic run for his life.

98. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures The D allows to live.

99. When The D gets pulled over he lets the cop off with a warning.

100. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless The D has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

I am a Big Baby!!

This is the conversation I had with my doctor\sexy nurse today. Sexy nurse is Aphrodite she is a real nurse in a cardiac wing of a hospital in North Carolina. What I said is italisized, what she replied with is in bold.It is a riveting story about true pain and suffering.

I hurt my leg Monday night. It really hurts, I mean like you can not even imagine, if this is anything like child birth then I will have NO part of it. The pain is so bad that I can now feel my heart beating in. I want to scream but I am at work and I don't want to seam like a wimp. Even though I am crying like a 2 year old. I am crying so bad that I can't even see what I am typing. I think I am going to pass out. I would rather put the jewels in a vice then have to keep going though this torcher.

Good Lord, you can't even imagine the pain, the anguish, the agony I am in. I am seriously considering amputation. I know a nice ally where I could get it done for a couple of 8 balls.

Anyway, do you think I have this bandaged right?

Don't leave me hangin' I need to know if I did the bandage correctly. And if it's not you have to come here and re do it. Because I am a big fucking awesome baby!

She replied with:

What did you do?? Scrape it on concrete?? Hopefully you washed it real good and are putting some neosporin or something on it?? You really don't have to wrap it but if it makes it feel better then I'd get a roll of gauze and wrap around the let and then just secure the ends with tape.. that with some antibiotic cream (neosporin) should heal it up in a few days.. once it starts to dry up and scab then leave the bandage off of it...

I need the details of how this little catastrophe occured...

The I said:


I will give you all of the details but it might take a while.

We play our games at
Mid America Softball Complex way out west of 435 and Johnson drive. After last weeks awesome game (I was MVP!) I was feeling pretty great. I was moved up to second batter, because I am that good. So again just like last week the right fielder is way off the foul line. As I was rounding first the, ball was just landing way over the right fielders head. That is when I turn on the afterburners! I was going to go all the way home for another inside the park home run my 3rd in 2 games! But no, someone has it in for me. As I was rounding second but before I hit second base I fell and slid about 10 feet on the dirt. I was really pissed because we would have been up 2-0 it the top of the first inning. But because I fell I had to settle for only a double with one run kicked in. But there was no way I was coming out of game.

I cleaned out my battle scare with water and a paper towel during innings. When I got home I sat on the edge of the bathtub and poured about half a bottle of peroxide on the wound. That is when the pain started, I don’t care how old I get using peroxide to clean a wound is THE MOST PAINFULL THING EVER!!!! After blacking out for 15-30 minuets I drank the rest of the peroxide, you know to clean the wound from the inside (boy was THAT was a mistake, that stuff taste like shit!). I put on some cream that was in my first aid kit. I think it was generic Neosporin. Then I put on the gauze pads (?) squares, and went to bed.

I did not sleep much the leg really started hurting about 12 and has not stopped since, I think I am going to have to bite the bullet and take some Tylenol. Couldn’t you just send me some morphine? I know how to do my own IV.

So you think I should just go to my tool box and get some super glue and duct tape?

Seriously, at lunch I will go get a tube of Neosporin the size of a tube of tooth paste and a mile long roll of gauze.

If this injury interferes with my diet and workout schedule then I am going to be really pissed!!

How often should I change these bandages? I think I feel more puss leaking out of my battle scare.

Then She replied with:

Just wear the gauze during the day.. take it off when you get home and then you can re-wrap it again at night... I do suggest you take some ibuprofen.. it helps with the pain and inflammation.. Tylenol is for babies :)
That's quite an impressive story.. I mean.. you literally took one for the team! I'm sure it burns and since you double dosed yourself with peroxide I bet it's healing at lightening speed... but peroxided is the best thing.. good decision.. I'm proud. You should probably continue drinking lots of alcohol too.. that'll kill any infection :)

So keep me updated.. let me know if you're gonna have to amputate!

I replied with:

I still have more questions.

So do I run\workout with the bandage on or off?

Ahhh yes, Ibuprofen the wonder drug of the Marine Corps I used to eat that stuff like candy. Until it gave me a bleeding ulcer. I will stick with the Tylenol, maybe I will mix it up with some crack I stole from a dead hooker.

Seriously, How much Ibuprofen should I take at one time?

The D does not heal he regenerates!

Can I use stapes to secure gauze to my leg?

I am sure I will have more questions later but I will let you get back to work

She replied with:

Umm.... no on the staples.. seriously bionic man. I would leave it on while you work out if it'll stay on... maybe you could just take a day or two off until you don't need the bandage anymore. You should never steal... even if it is from a dead hooker :) I would take no more than 400-600 mg of Advil every 8 hours.. or take it in the morning when you get up .. you can have some tylenol during the day and then take more advil before/after dinner.. alternating like that won't hurt you any...

You should probably give credit where credit is due... bleeding ulcer=too much partying at Kelly's

I replied with:

So at lunch I bought cloth tape, Neosporin with pain reliever, and 5 rolls of gauze bandage. I have rewrapped and it feels much better. I bought the Neosporin with pain reliever so I did not get any drugs. I don’t like drugs, besides I have a very important fantasy football draft tonight and I need to be 100% focused. I am just going to suck it up and take it like a man!

I have never had a bleeding ulcer or any type of ulcer. That was part of the dead hooker joke. In fact I have never ever been sick EVER!

I know I wont’ be working out today. But tomorrow is what I am concerned about. I won’t bore you with my diet/workout plans.

This my friends is what I have been doing all day. Plus I had my fantasy football draft tonight, but more on that later.