The D Rules!!: Fitness

100 Facts That You Didn't Know About The D

1. The D doesn't have to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Tall buildings duck under The D.

2. The D can delete the Recycling Bin.

3. When The D goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

4. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but The D says its beef, then it's beef.

5. Whenever The D plays Chutes and Ladders, he treats the chutes as ladders, because he's not some sissy who can't climb up a plastic slide.

6. When The D deletes files from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.

7. The D can slam revolving doors.

8. Once a cobra bit The D's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

9.The D can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.

10. Giraffes were created when The D uppercut a horse.

11. The D is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.

12. The D was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

13. On his birthday, The D randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

14. The D can speak braille.

15. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for The D.

16. The D once stated that he "doesn't wail on sissy boys." This led to the pink polo shirts with popped collars craze. Little do those pitiful fools know that The D was just making it easier to find sissy boys to wail on.

17. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. The D can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.

18. The D doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

19. The D does not sleep. He waits.

20. The D once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

21. World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, The D ate Kobayashi.

22. If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear The D laughing at you.

23. The D died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

24. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects The D could use to kill you, including the room itself.

25. The D sleeps with a night light. Not because The D is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of The D.

26. The D is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

27. The D's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools The D.

28. The D always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.

29. The D is the only one who can "try this at home."

30. The D beat a wall at tennis. Yes. A WALL.

31. The D's blood type is WD-40.

32. If The D wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.

33. The D played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

34. The last man who made eye contact with The D was Ray Charles.

35. The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that The D's basement was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.

36. You are what you eat. That is why The D's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

37. The D owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

38. Circles exist because The D beat the crap out of some squares.

39. The D had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow, and anywhere The D went the lamb was sure to go. So he killed it.

40. The D was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

41. The D invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.

42. Getting murdered by The D counts as a natural cause of death.

43. When The D plays any video game, God mode automatically turns on.

44. The D destroyed the periodic table, saying The D only recognizes the element of surprise.

45. The D puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

46. The D counted to infinity - twice.

47. The D can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

48. Only once has The D ever cried. The only survivors were a bunch of animals and some dude named Noah.

49. The popular video game "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from The D and forgot to pay him back.

50. The D's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.

51. The D and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.

52. The D once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

53. The D irons his shirts while he's wearing them.

54. The D once got caught doing 100 in a 50 zone. The cop did give him a speeding ticket, however The D still pleads his innocence to this day, stating that he was simply out for a morning jog.

55. The D wears a cup not to protect himself, but to protect the players on the other team.

56. The D knows the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow (African *AND* European).

57. Onions do not make The D cry. The D makes onions crap themselves.

58. If you haven't seen Alien vs. Predator yet, don't bother, The D wins.

59. The D was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

60. The D can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

61. The D was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.

62. On a high school math test, The D put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because The D solves all his problems with Violence.

63. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to The D and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

64. The D doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

65. The D does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

66. The D invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

67. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be The D.

68. Crop circles are The D's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down and shut the fuck up!.

69. The D does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. The D goes killing.

70. The D does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction.

71. There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because The D is going to walk.

72. When The D enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

73. The only time The D was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

74. The D has the heart of a child. He keeps it in a small box.

75. The word "lesbian" derives from an old Latin phrase that roughly translates as "She who has not yet been introduced to The D."

76. Superman owns a pair of The D pajamas.

77. The movie Ray is loosely based on the life of The D, only they substituted piano playing for eating toddlers, and blindness for the ability to fly.

78. What scientists thought was natural selection is actually only the continued survival of animals The D has found too chewy to eat.

79. When The D gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

80. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped The D's house one Christmas.

81. The D has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.

82. Weeping Willows are a result of The D yelling at trees for not being tough enough.

83. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when The D punched himself in the face.

84. The D can watch a season of "24" in just three hours.

85. The D is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right fist.

86. The D became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.

87. The D's dog is trained to pick up his own poop because The D will not take crap from anyone.

88. The D sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.

89. The D can predict the shuffle on his iPod.

90. The D used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

91. The D is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.

92. The D doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.

93. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: The D was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.

94. The D can kill two stones with one bird.

95. The D can tie his shoes with his feet.

96. The D is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.

97. The D can make a paraplegic run for his life.

98. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures The D allows to live.

99. When The D gets pulled over he lets the cop off with a warning.

100. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless The D has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Showing posts with label Fitness. Show all posts

Thursday, January 10, 2008

2008 THEME SONG

THIS IS IT FUCKERS!

THE D'S THEME SONG FOR 2008

PREPARE TO GET YOUR FACES ROCKED THE FUCK OFF!

LISTEN TO IT HERE*

READ THE LYRICS HERE.

Once And For All Lyrics

I'M GONNA KICK THIS WEIGHT LOSS/DIET/FITNESS BULLSHIT IN TO THE STRATOS-FUCKIN'-PHERE.

BITCHES!

*click play at the bottom

Monday, December 31, 2007

I'm not going to...

... do a year end top 10 list or any other top whatever the fuck list. Mostly, because everyone else has already done them. I'm not a trend follower, I'm a trend setter. I blaze my own trail just like I did in 2007 and I'll continue to blaze my own trail in 2008.
...do a year in review list because my year has been to kick ass to point out the high points. Every day has been better than the previous day. Don't believe me, it's documented right here just start in January and read until my awesomeness is oozing out of every one of your orifices.
...Bitch and whine that I only made one persons list of top 10 Kansas City blogs. I think these list only reflect the last few post of a blog and not the entire year of the author. Who else has achieved something so huge (that's what she said) that it has become a life changing accomplishment? It's the biggest achievement in The Kansas City blogsphere, hands down.
...Let some minor foot pain prevent me from doing something that I have always wanted to do, and WILL DO!
...Keep using bad grammar and spelling on purpose because I think it's funny, obviously non of you a-holes got the joke. I'm not the buffoon that you might think I am. It's time to start bringing this blog closer to the real man, the read The D, The real Darren.
...I'm not going to make a list of lame ass resolutions. They always fall to shit after January anyway.
...start the year off with a hangover.
...get my hopes up the the Chiefs, next season unless they make a coaching or General Manager change and make it quick. Same goes for the Royals, I'll believe it when I see it. But I'm not a fair weather fan, I will still wear my Chiefs red and my Royal blue around town and in other cities that I may visit in 2008.
...stay single much longer.
...go to work until Monday.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Do Over

This post was originally posted over at Smells Like Bullshit back in November of 2007. I wanted to repost it here because the links did not come through when I originally emailed it to Nightmare. The links are important because it gives you an idea of what I did while in the Marine Corps.

In a previous post on my site Nightmare asked me a very good question. As I was answering him I decided that it was just too long of an answer and decided to make it a post.

His question was "Why do you run? I have never understood the benefit of running. I lift weights, I am strong, I lift heavy things...people ask me to lift heavy things every day. I have never had anyone ask "Hey...can you start running now and I'll pick you up in 20 miles" Seems like a lot of wasted energy."

That's a really great question Night thanks for asking! It's a debate that has been going on since Moses wore shorts, and I pretty sure it was the case of the fall of the Roman Empire.

I first started running when I was in the Marine Corps back in the early 1990's while stationed at Camp Pendleton which is about an hour or so north of San Diego (you know that city named after a whales vagina.) If you've driven from San Diego to L.A. then you drive right though it. The San Onofre Nuclear power plant is right there (it looks like two really big tits) I started running then because I had to keep my weight down. But I was also in my early 20's then and I had a much faster metabolism then I do now. I would run 3 miles in the morning either in formation for our morning P.T. (Physical Training) and I would also run 3 miles at lunch. I also had to keep my time down in order to keep a perfect PFT (Physical Fitness Test) score of 300. At same time I was also lifting weights with the rest of the platoon. After liberty call we would all hit the gym and have lifting competitions. I don't think I need to tell you but I never won any of them. We'd have competitions for bench press, squats, dead lifts, and just about any other competitions that you can think of to prove who was the bigger man. The machismo was rampant! (It's funny to me now but I actually weight less now that I did back then.)

All though my 4 year service in the Marine Corps I lifted weights, when I was station aboard the U.S.S. Peleliu on our way to and from Somolia and Rwanda I was a member of what we called the 300 Club. The 300 Club was a small group of Marines in my battalion that could bench press 300 pounds at least one time. We'd have contest every Friday for any one that wanted to try to Marine UP! as we liked to say. But it's quite a different story trying to bench 300 pounds while the ship is rolling and pitching.

When I was Honorably Discharged in September 1994 I stopped lifting because the weights just go to be way to heavy.

As to why I run now, I always thought I got a better work out from running. I enjoy the time alone to think about things that may be bothering me or just to have some time alone. It also will burn more calories than lifting weights in the same amount of time. You can't burn 1000 calories in an hour lifting weights but you can running, if you run fast enough. That's is why I always thought I would get a better work out running that I did lifting. As many people know you only work a certain part of your body, wether you work just your arms, or shoulders, back, chest, or legs. Running you work your whole body.

One benefit of running is that when you and your lady are walking down the street and some coked out idiot comes and swipes her purse and keeps running. Would a person who lifts be able to run after him and catch the dude? Probably not, those coke heads are fast! Your muscles won't be used to the endurance. But a runner will catch him. But on the same thought could I crush some ones face like a piece of glass with one punch? Probably not, but a weightlifter could.

Weight training has a lot of benefits also, if you want to lose weight most trainers and those in the health field will tell you to lift weights. Now, this might seem dumb to you, but let me drop some knowledge on ya'll. The more muscle mass you have the higher your resting metabolic rate will be be which means you will burn more calories while sitting at your desk than some fatty sitting across from you. You don't have to have huge muscles to have high muscle mass. You can just have really dense, hard muscles. This is why women have a much harder time losing weight than men do. We men as a gender have larger muscle mass therefore our metabolic rate is higher.

Also a really great benefit to running is when I get drunk star talking shit, or spill a drink down your shirt. I'll be able to get up and run away before you start pummeling me.

That's it for me folks check ya on the flip side.

Christmas Recap

Christmas this year has been pretty kick ass so far, and its still not over yet, with everyone still in town until Saturday.

Lets start the recap with a list of all the bounty that I took home from Christmas Eve at moms:

1. Gift Cards from Itunes and JCPenny's.

End of list.

That's a pretty short list huh? But it's exactly what I wanted. I told everyone too pool their money and get me one gift card from a list of stores that I gave them. They choose JCPenny's which I'm totally cool with, I told them to get me one gift card because I need a whole new wardrobe after losing 85 pounds. I figure it's much easier to spend a few hundred bucks at one store on clothes than it is to spend 50 at one store, and 50 at another.

I took a butt load of pics and I'm having a hard time choosing which ones to post of the kids (I don't post pics of the adults.)

More later...

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Darukah Update

Today's, or I should say, Mondays Darukah gifts included a full tank of gas from me too myself, a e-card from Spyder and comments from my Sis, Nightmare, and Doc. And a couple nice comments from people that I know work in my division, but I don't know their names, about my new clothes. A nice text message from a girl telling me the she was going to start working out and she was going to use me as her inspiration. (I inspire people to workout? I never thought that would happen.) And my pall Abby sent me a e-card. Thanks to all you guys for those nice gifts.

See how easy it is people? What's wrong with the rest of you? It takes virtually no effort at all.

Monday, November 05, 2007

Why not me?

If that Gold Diggin, Trampasauruas Katie Holmes can run a freakin marathon it just proves that so can you. It just take a little training. Don't let these sum-bitch celebrities think their better than you. They're not.

Get off your ass and do it!

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Kansas City Marathon Pics

The pictures did not take as long as to get as I thought they would so, I would've lost that bet. The quality sucks but it's the best I could do while stealing them. I'll probably order one of these but I haven't decided which one.

You can read about the whole experience here.

Monday, October 22, 2007

The Kansas City Marathon

The day started with a revile call at 5:30 am, which is usually the time I'm just getting home on some Friday nights/Saturday mornings. I had packed up all my stuff the night before into a small bag that I could just grab and go. But of course I still had to unpack the bag and go through it again to make sure I didn't forget anything. I take a shower and put on what I was going to wear for the race, socks, shoes, under armor shorts, regular shorts and the tee shirt that you've have already seen. I get out to the car hop in, turn the key, and then I farted which reminded me that I had not yet taken my pre-race dump. I shut off the car and back inside I go to do my bizzness. I get down to the Crown Center where there is a long line to get in to the parking garage so I just park on the surface lot that is south of Hallmark. I park the car and put on my watch and put my timing chip and my single car key in each shoe. I walk down to the park that is just north of the Westin Crown Center Hotel. I find a place under a tree and begin to stretch out, and warm up. At this point my stomach is freaking out. But I just tell myself that your already here, and that I have done all I can do to prepare for the race. I'm either ready or I'm not nothing I can do about it now.

They announce that the race will start in 15 min so I strap on my Ipod and walk up to the starting line, or at least get close to it. I realize that I'm surrounded by people with green numbers on their shirts. "Oh shit!" I think "These are the full marathoners! I better get the hell out of this area. These people aren't messing around." As I relocating further back I see that they have these flags with time on them like 9:00, 9:15, 9:30, and so on, each time being 15 minutes later than the previous one. So I find the 10:00 time and stand nearest I can to it. These are pace setters, I can keep a 10 min mile pace for 6 miles or so before I start to wear down. Then the 5 min warning goes off. Someone starts singing the National Anthem and I stand at attention like all good Marines do that are not in uniform. It immediately gets me going it always has, its just something about that song just puts me in the mood to kick some ass.

GO!!!! Nothing happens… after a few seconds maybe 25-30, the mass of almost 5000 people (I'm probably somewhere in the middle of the half marathoners) start to move closer and closer to the starting line. (Marathoners up front, then the half marathoners, then 5k'ers started 15 min behind us. Plus scattered in there were team marathoners where 4 people made up a team and would run 6-7 mile each of the 26.2 miles that the marathon consisted of.) The closer I get to the starting line the faster the walking becomes to where just I as I'm coming up on the starting line I start to run. I then start MY timer on MY watch.

I get a good pace going not to fast though I don't want to shoot my load too soon. I have a long ways to go. So I'm more or less just running an easy pace trying to get warmed up for the 2 hour plus run. And trying to enjoying the whole experience. Then I step in a pot hole and break my ankle! HAHAHA, that didn't happen I was just messing with you. How mess up would that have been?

Mile 1 thru 2

Before I even get to the first turn off of Grand I look over to my left and see this dude staring at me. He's about 5-6 feet away from me. I just ignore him becasue I was rocking out to some AC/DC. He moves over and says something to me. I take our my left ear piece and ask him politely to please repeat what he just said he says that he recognizes me from this blog and wished me good luck. I said the same to him. He said he was a lurker, and I said thanks for reading. And that was my one running with some one that read this site for the day. So thanks for reading dude let me know how ya did!

On the hill on Kessler which runs on the west side of the Liberty Memorial I had my one and only blow out. My shoe came untied and I thought I had lost my car key which would have been an absolute tragedy if I had to stop and look for that dam thing. So I stop to retie my shoe and look up and see my pall Katie running up the hill I start cheering her on "C'mon, KATIE! WHATS THE HOLD UP FASTER, FASTER." Just basically being an ass to her because I was in front of her. We make it up the hill together. And do the loop on the Liberty memorial taking about all the show offs that were already up and over the hill of Wyandotte Street. "Freaking show offs" I tell Katie. On the down side of the hill Katie just takes off! She starts to just fly down the hill with her arms wind-milling like she was a little kid running down a hill and didn't have the strength to stop herself, it was hilarious. The she just kept going once we turned left on to 31^st street. I never saw her again until after the race.

Miles 4 thru 6

I turn left off of main at the 4 mile mark on to Westport road. As I get near Kelly's I remember thinking I wonder if Kyle will give me a beer for free? I bet he would he's good people like that. But just as I'm passing my favorite bar I see a couple of mine and Katie's friends. I see them but they don't see me so I have to yell at them to get their attention. I bet they were either already drinking or were still drunk from the night before.

Further down the road at the Blockbuster store at the intersection of Westport Road and southwest traffic way, I see my best pals Lonnie and Abby. Well I see Lonnie on the corner of the parking lot. As I get closer I see that she is talking to Abby who is sitting in her car and Lonnie's is on the phone. As I run past them I yell "HEY! YOUR NEVER GOING TO SEE ME IF YOU STAY IN THE CAR!" They jump out and come running toward the street but I'm already past them. I had told them that I wasn't going to stop for any hugs plus I would be all wet and sweaty, so they prolly wouldn't want any hugs any way. While I am passing the big intersection and yelling at them I hear someone yelling from the cars that were stopped "RUN FASTER, RUN FASTER!" I remember thinking yea that's what I would be yelling too if I had to sit in my car and watch all of these people. Well come to find out later that the dude yelling form his car was my buddy the BC the bartender at The Point! I talked to him Saturday night and he said he saw me running and that is why he started yelling, he was telling me to run faster.

At the intersection of 45^th street and Roanoke I hear someone else calling my name he is yelling Hey Darren, I turn and look and it's one of the guys in my fantasy football league volunteering as a crossing guard! How freaking random is that! I think he started to ask me who I was playing this week in our league but I just waved and kept on pushing. I was too busy kickin ass to stop and talk.

I can't believe this post is already 1400 words and I'm just barely half way.

Mile 7 thru 8

Somewhere during mile 7 I started getting a sharp pain in my lower abdomen which started getting worse and worse then I farted. But it wasn't one of those standard farts it was one that only came out when my left foot hit the ground right, thththt, right, ththth, right, thththt. I don't know if they stunk or not because I was moving away from the "backblast" but I bet the people behind me knew if they stunk or not you'll have to ask them. So I knew I was in some serious trouble if I didn't hit the pot-a- johns and quick. So I picked up the pace and so did the fartingn right,ththththt,right,ththththth,right you get the idea. So at the aid station at the beginning of mile 8, I had to take a dump. Have you ever tried to take a dump while soaking wet? It was a new experience that I will never forget. Plus that pot-a-john was really hot (and stinky) inside, so not only was I sweating my balls off before I got inside I started sweating even MORE when I was in there (which I didn't think was possible.) It was like a turd sauna! So I make quick work of that and was back out in like 5 minutes or so. Before I went in I made sure to stop the timer on my watch.

Miles 9 thru Finish

The rest of the race was pretty uneventful just a nice pace and some good tunes to keep me motivated. At Mile 11 or so I started to lose some of my confidence that I could even finish this thing under 2:45 which was the number one goal, along with finishing without walking. As I rounded the final corner from 18^th street on to Baltimore I could see the finish line! SWEET!!!! I thought, I FREAKING DID IT!! I took out my ear pieces and tucked them in my shirt collar so they wouldn't come bouncing out. Only 0.1 mile to go! I looked at my watch and it said 2:40 and some change. Shit! I better pick it up if I want to make this in under 2:45! I could hear all the people cheering on other people and the announcer announcing people's names and other stuff. What I didn't expect to see was Abby and Lonnie there with a sign that said "The D Rules". It got me laughing so hard in the last 200 yards or so that I almost fell over the finish line. How would that have looked? As I crossed the line I stopped the watch 2:42 AWESOME! Two goals down and one to go. Now, who wants to make out?

I had meet all of my goals for the day! Come in under 2:45 I was actually shooting for 2:30 but the bottom time was 2:45. And to run the entire thing, which I did, except for about 100 yards combined. When I would get water at an aid station I would walk while I was drinking it. If I tried to run while drinking I would get more down my shirt then in my mouth. And the third goal was to have fun while doing it, which I TOTES did!

Aftermath!

After I got my metal I was walking back to the after party where there was no booze or free shots, or nekked women. What kind of after party is this I thought? A pretty lame one if ya ask me. Anyway, I meet up with Katie and her friend/trainer Kacey, who I have also know for a few years but haven't seen for about 2 years. We talk about the race and chug water and Gatorade like it was the nectar of the Gods. The whole time my feet keep getting more and more painful. I have had a problem with them for a few months now. And I really need to get them fixed or at least see a doctor. But after this race they hurt like a mofo!

I had to walk all the way back to my car from the parking lot of the fright house. That walk was torture!! When I got home at about 11 or so I remember thinking that if I went out last night I would have just been getting up about now. But instead I was in some serious pain because of my feet. I called Lonnie and Abby to say thanks for showing up and cheering me on and told them both how much pain I was in with regards to my feet. They both said to soak my feet in ebsome (sp?) salts. But neither volunteered to bring me any. I don't even know what ebsome salts are for that matter! I knew that I wouldn't be able to spend the rest of the day standing around my house. So I took some Advil, I ate some lunch and sent out some emails requesting that someone come over to the house and just hack off my feet. I mean they were that painful. On a scale of one to 10 (10 being shoot me now) I was prolly a 15 or more. I seriously could not stand it not only was it painful but it was also annoying, because when I would lay down on the couch I could feel my heart beating in them. That my friends was the WORST! I still don't know how I ended up crashing on the couch for about 3 hours.

When I woke up I was 100 times better. But the feet no longer hurt that bad. Or at least I couldn't feel my heart beating in them anymore. So I took a shower and got ready to hit The Point for some liquid painkillers. As the night wore on my feet stopped hurting but then my knees started to hurt. And they're still hurting today. But not nearly as bad, I would say like a 2 on the same scale I mentioned earlier.

Overall

Overall I would say I had an awesome time and I think it was a really great experience that most people are afraid to do. If you look at it from the perspective of where I was 14 months ago and how far I have come in just over a year! But I need to get my feet looked at before I try this distance (or longer? wait? what did he say?) again. So it's back to the 10K's and 5k's for the next 2 months. I would do this race and other races everyday of the week and twice on Sunday (as long as I get my feet looked at first.)

My next one is a 10K (6.2 miles) on Nov 10. I'm not going to do this distance until I get my feet fixed.

I have other stuff but they are more like random thoughts so I'll save those for later this week. Besides isn't this long enough? (that's what she said!)

Thanks for reading!

Place Your Bets

How long do you think it’s going to take the people at action sports to get the pics up from Saturdays run? I say 3 weeks, from today. They said the results would be up by 3 the day of the race but they weren’t up until after 5 and then weren’t searchable so I had to scroll through 5 thousand people to find my UNOFFICAIL time.

YUK!

This day is getting crappier and crappier. I’m going to take a nap on the toilet.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Down and Dirty

Ok. I'll give ya sort of mini review of yesterdays half marathon while I wait for the Chiefs game to move a long.

I like to record the game then go back and hour or so later, rewind it so I can skip the commercials.

First no, I didn't win. But I did meet all of my goals for the day except having sex while on the course. Maybe next time... or not.

I also had a something truly terrifying happen to me on the drive home from work (no, I was not in a wreck, it has to do with a phone call and a request) Friday night that I will cover in the Weekend Update. The race review will be a separate post.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

VICTORY IS MINE!!

So, ummm… yea… I’m… going to do something really big this weekend. Well, big for me anyway so big that I’m having a hard time getting words from my brain to my fingers. (This is where you say "When do you NOT have that problem?") I’ll get to what I’m doing in a second just bear with me while I explain some things.

It’s pretty much the biggest thing I have ever done. Well, actually it is the biggest thing I’ve ever done. I want my friends and family to come out and watch, and cheer me on, but I really just don’t know how to ask them without sounding arrogant, egotistical, or totally self-absorbed, all of which I am not, I’m only awesome. (Well, maybe a little self–absorbed I do blog about myself after all.) How do you ask someone to come out and watch you do this thing that they really don’t even understand why you’re doing it? Or they think you’re weird, or crazy, for even doing it. Even though thousands, if not, millions of people across the planet do it all the time? How do you ask someone to put their other responsibilities on hold, for a just few hours, so they can take part in seeing you accomplish something that you’ve been working on, for over a year to accomplish? How do you ask your friends and family to put you at the center of attention for just a couple of hours out of their Saturday morning? How do you ask people to come watch you finish the hardest thing you will have ever done in your life and take part in the joy, and share in the excitement of that accomplishment?

How do you get people to understand just how big something really is to you when you have done all of the hard work, the pain, the sweating, the injuries, the cramping, the disappointments, the stress, the anguish, the missing of goals by one pound (UUUGGGHHH, ONE FUCKING POUND!!!) that was all necessary in order to accomplish such an amazing feat? All… by… yourself? How do you get them to understand just how much it would mean to you if they just showed up at the finish line and said “Nice job buddy were proud of you.” How do you get people to understand what you've gone through if they have never gone through what you've gone through the past 14 months?

HOW PEOPLE, HOW?!?!?!

I think the best way to get everyone to understand how big this is for me is to use the analogy of taking a big exam like the SAT’s, LSAT’s, ASVAB, nursing boards, or the bar exam that lawyers take, or your dissertation for a PHD. You study for months, weeks or whatever, and then the day finally comes and you think you’re totally prepared for it. You even took all of those lame ass practice test. Then the day comes and you can’t control the excitement as you just know that you’ve passed the test and now you have your degree in whatever it is you were going for. That day was big days for you right? And you had all of your family and friends there to watch your big accomplishment right? This day is just as big for me as that day was for you.

As my everyday readers know I have been on this “voyage” or “quest” or whatever you want to call it for the past 14 months. To lose weight, A LOT of weight and to start living my life as if I actually wanted to be living it, instead of just meandering though it like some slack jawed yokel. At the start I was pretty miserable for the first few weeks with the constant soreness and the blistering feet from running on the treadmill for what seemed hours at a time.

At the starting point on September 1^st of 2006. I tipped the scales at a whopping 250 pounds, my BMI (Body Mass Index) was 38 which is categorized as SEVERLY OVERWIGHT or as my doctor put it MORBIDLY OVERWEIGHT (For my height 5’-8” and age 35 at the time.) I couldn't run one quarter of a mile with our almost passing out. or barfing all over the place. (You can read all about the weight loss by reading these posts. Or reading these post under Fitness)

This is where I started.

Please try not to vomit.

That is one sweet mullet! How jealous are ya right now?

As of Tuesday night October 16, 2007 I weighed in at 164 pounds with a BMI of 24.9. That number 24.9 has been the goal ever since I started. The 164 pounds was the secondary goal, along with overall better fitness. I wanted to get under a BMI of 25.0 because that was the low end of the overweight category any number under that was the goal. I would always ask myself “Self, what is the goal?” And I would answer “24.9, 24.9, 24.9.” But whenever someone would ask me what my goal was I would just say “To be healthier.” (Because I didn’t want to hear anyone say the 164 pounds was too light for my frame. I also didn’t want to hear anyone say that I couldn’t do it. I didn’t need the shitty negativity around me.) As I would answer their question about my goals I was actually screaming “24.9,24.9, Great Ravens Ghost 24.9!!!!” (I actually have that as my screen saver at home.)

Click to embiggen.

Now, 24.9 (FINALLY) puts me in the normal or healthy weight range. I have lost a total of 86 pounds and over 7 inches off my waist. I went from a size 40-38 waist in jeans to a size 33-32 waist. All of this might not mean jack shit to you but it means a shit load to me.

It means that I did this, ALL OF THIS, all on my own, I did not take some crazy ass drug, I didn’t hire a personal trainer, I didn’t read any of those bullshit self help books. I didn’t have any type of life threatening surgery. I didn’t result to tactics that would hurt me nor did I starve myself. I did this by reading what a proper diet consisted of. I found foods that I liked, I determined how many calories I need per day and how many I needed to burn in a day to lose weight. And I found all this information on the internet. Though hours and hours of searching for various food and weight loss websites.

I’m effectively calling a halt to all offensive operations. I am declaring VICTORY OVER MY WAR WITH OBESITY!!! I made obesity my BITCH and gave it a nice anal raping, prison yard style! (No homo.)

And these are the results:

Saturday is the crowning event of all this hard work, the miles on the treadmill, the 4 different pairs of running shoes, the blisters, the shin splints. All of that comes to an end, (for the time being.) Saturday I’m running in the Waddell & Reed Kansas City Marathon. I’m running the half marathon distance, 13.1 miles. This race, this event, is going to be one of the toughest things I have ever done. Sure, I completed Marine Corps Boot Camp but that was easy compared to what this is going to be. What this is going to be is a bitch, 13.1 miles on the mean streets of Kansas City, Missouri.

Remember the poll I had about which saying to put on the shirt for this race. Well here’s the winner!

Pretty sweet, huh?

I took out two of the numbers so it’s harder for you stalkers to find me.

I'll be wearing that shirt on Saturday.

Here’s a map of route:

View Larger Map

Doesn’t that look a lot longer than 13.1 miles!

Use the nav tools in the top left to navigate.

I'll have a total review of the event and how I felt after after the race on Monday night.

Wish me Luck!

Peace out! Have a nice weekend yourselves.

And thanks for reading!

UPDATE: The race startes at 7 a.m I should finish sometime after 9 to 9:30. I should be half way about 8 to 8:10.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

The D vs The Sidewalk: THE SHOWDOWN

Howdy! Are you in as much pain as I am right now ‘cause if you are we should throw ourselves a pity party and give each other King size Snickers and Wild Turkey.

What? You have no idea what I'm talking about? Oh yea, I forgot to tell you about my latest trip because I am DELIRIOUS WITH PAIN!

As I tell you the story of my latest debacle I may get off the subject. I think that is understandable because I either keep passing out, or I have to stop the story and cry just a little bit. BECAUSE OF THE EXCRUCIATING PAIN THAT I AM ENDURING!!!

I was out running 8 miles last night with about 1.5 miles or so remaining, I was going downhill, totally exhausted but still running as best I could. I was heading north on the Missouri side of Stateline Road running past Westwood Park, when I tripped and fell…hard!

On the way down the first thing that I thought as I was airborne, and headed for the rock hard sidewalk, might have been "Nothing good can come of this" or maybe it was "This is gonna leave a mark" or come to think of it, it was probably "FFFFFFFUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!" I landed on my right shoulder, with a thud, (if I was still fat it would have been SLAT!), a bonk, (that would be my SKULL hitting the ground). Luckily my SKULL apparently bounces (because it’s full of hot air, Hay-O!), and a SREACH, he sliding across about 2 or 3 WHOLE SLABS OF PORTLAND CEMENT. As I slid on the concrete it ripped the sleeve off my favorite running shirt. But that is not big deal I can get another one from my company.

After the shirt sleeve ripped off, after only sliding about half a slab of concrete the realization that my skin was going to be next then set in, and I tried to prepare for the rush of absolutely INSUFFERARABLE pain to come racing toward my gray matter.Before I began the SLIDE of DEATH my head hit the concrete and I think I passed out for a bit. But because I'm a former Marine and tough as nails, I just took it like a man, and started to cry a little bit, once I sat up writhing in pain. When I was finished sliding across the concrete which was about as smooth as the Hima-fuckin’-layas! I sat up grabbing my shoulder and just hoping it would not fall off. (Because then I would have to beat someone with the bloody end of my arm, and there was no one around. So that means I would have to beat myself again. Wait, what did I just say?)

While sitting there holding my shoulder and wishing I had another left arm to hold on to the piece of skin that I thought was dangling over my right eye. Thankfully that wasn’t the case somehow my shirt tail came up over my head. I remember thinking "Man, that was one fucked up trip and I wasn't even high. I hope someone caught that on video". Then I remembered that I wasn’t a celebrity (because I'm too good looking (and AWESOME) for those slackers, Clooney who?) and don't have the paparazzi following me everywhere I go. Fo-shizzle!

The worst part is that I think I really jacked up my shoulder/neck/collar bone/skull area. I don't any thing’s broken because I have full mobility in my neck and shoulder. Btw, can everyone else move part of their skull while the rest stays in place while hearing a grinding noise? Cause I apparently can, NOW! My shoulder hurts like a MO-FO and the edges of the road rash are already turning black and blue.

The pain is EXCRUCIATING!!! People!!! You don't even understand!! You cannot comprehend that amount of suffering I am enduring. (What's with all the big words in this paragraph?) I'd take pictures but I can't find my camera i.e. it's not right in front of me, and I'm in no mood to look for it.

My right arm is in too much pain to even move. But I can move it which tells me it's not broken or dislocated.

Because, as you know, I'm an orth-fuckin-opedic doctor and shit! And I can examine myself thankyouverymuch. Besides, I know how to perform a self diagnosis on my own bone(s).

Luckily I don’t have any road rash or scratches to my face or head. Because all I have is my good looks (shut your face!) and we all know that ain’t much. I would really be mad if my face had a nice case of road rash, I would end up looking like some burn victim or a child that grew up near Chernobyl.

The good news of this story (like anything good can come of this) is that after my last brush with death I went out and bought a fully stocked ambulance full of first aid supplies which I keep parked in my garage. I don’t even know what half this stuff is for.
So I got to break that puppy out, which I was pretty excited about once I walked the final 1.5 miles home with blood running down my arm and dripping on the sidewalk.

After I cleaned the wound, which looks like your standard road rash. I how have a nice new kick ass bandage on my shoulder that is about the side of Mon-fuckin’-tana, and the most awesome headache ever.

I'm gonna need some of you single hot chicks to come over and take care of me. Talk amongst yourselves and set up a schedule.

How was your Columbus Day? Glad somebody had a good time.

Can you believe I just typed this whole post with my one good arm? And to make that feat even more amazing I did it with my left hand, I'm right handed.

FYI: Inserting "Fuckin'" into the middle of words is now my new thing. I called it!

Thanks for reading and try to have a painless day will ya?

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

FANTASTIC!

I feel FANTASTIC today! I don't know why and I can't explain it.

Maybe its...

the fact that we had the high score in my Tanners fantasy footabll leauge this week? And will win a boat load of cash which we will spend on celabratory beers tonight, cause our team is crappy?

the fact that I got a crappy hair cut last night and really just don't care?

because I am down another 2 pounds?

or the fact that I ran 8 miles in 1:25 (one hour twenty five min) Monday night non-stop and I'm no longer sore?

Or the fact that my birthday is 41 days away and the pre to the pre-planning has begun? (Has your shopping begun?)

Or the fact that I need to work over time in order to get these plans done by next wednesday?

becasue I downloaded some new tunes to the Ipod and I'm rockin out right now?

or the fact that KU is going to stomp K-State this weekend?

becasue I'm looking forward to the blogger meeting tommorrow night at Charlie Hoppers in Brookside, and that I will be there between 6 and 6:30.

Or that my favorite movie series had a new installment coming out October 26th.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

I QUIT!

Actually I'm not quitting, I'm just taking some time off of blogging (like 2 days). I would like to give you some great in depth post as to why, but I'm kinda drunk and tired, so I don't have the energy to think of something clever to tell you why I'm taking time off so I'll just tell you.

I'm redoing this blog template and it's taking longer than I thought it would (that HTML code is hard to figure out yo!) So I don't have time to post stuff that's been going on in my life. Sure there's lots to tell, but trying to learn HTML coding and posting is taking it's toll on me. I haven't been to bed before 2 a.m. at all this week. Which, as all us awesome dudes know, if you don't get a good nights sleep you (or at least I) won't wake up with the morning wood. Which is a travesty in and of it's self.

So having said that here are the plans for the weekend.

In no particular order:

Friday no plans stay home watch a movie or whatever (HTML code work) unless something better comes my way, which I totally hope will.

Saturday morning/afternoon run 8-10 miles (training for my half marathon next month)

Saturday night, which one of these should I do?

1. ZZ TOP and Quiet Riot in concert at the River Market?

2. Pub Crawl in Waldo

3. Stay home and get drunk

Either way who wants to get drunk Saturday night?

Sunday: Chiefs game

Although with some proper planning I bet I could do all of those things Saturday night. But I'm either gonna need a ride home Saturday night or if you live with in walking distance (and walking distance for me while drunk is only one mile) of Waldo than I could crash at your house/apartment.

What are your weekend plans?

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Weigh In

Is that title spelt right? I can't tell, any way I don't have a lot of time tonight I have to get to a fantasy football pre-draft meeting.

Last year on September 1, 2006 I was 250 pounds. Tonight, September 4, 2007 I weighted in at 167 pounds. For you mathematically challenged that's an 83 pound loss in 12 months.

I'm so happy I need a hug.

Here are some pics that I promised a while ago.

This one is from 2003 I think this is the worst pic of me EVER!

I know it's quality is crap,but so is the belly.

The one on the left is from the cruise also. The one on the right is from earlier this year.

Left is in Grand Cayman. Right is from a race just about a month ago.

This one is from last Saturday night.

Your reaction should be "HOLY FUCKING SHIT!" Or "Dam he sure does have nice hair for a 36 year old".

More about the changes in later post.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

The D vs The Car

I told ya'll back in the Birthday List post that it was only a matter of time before I get hit by a car when out on my evening runs didn't I? DIDN'T I?!?

Here are all the HORRIFIC details.

It's a classic Monday night in late August in Kansas City the temperature is just shy of that equal to the surface of the sun. The humidity makes the air thicker than granny's mashed taters (lumps of tater skin included). I'm out running on my usual four mile route, minding my own business. I'm running at a record pace, I finish the first half in record time. I'm on the second half of the route on my way back to the house. I'm heading west on 45^th Street almost at the intersection of 45^th and Madison. 45^th is a 2 way Street that heads west to east. Madison is a 3 lane one way street heading north, towards Westport and points beyond.

This run is not like the other ones I've had lately. I've really been struggling on my previous runs for the past month or so. I attribute it to the heat and humidity, but this day it was just as humid and just as hot as those previous runs. But this run I was really feeling great! I was right in the middle of a Runners High. Zoned out, breathing is easy, pace is up, hard Rock is blasting from my Ipod. I didn't have to fight any wind, it was just great!

As I get to the intersection of 45^th street and Madison I slow down and stop, I also stop my wristwatch. There's a car sitting at the intersection with a male driver, it's a small sports car like a Miata or some other P.O.S. car. He is coming from the east or up the hill and wanting to go north on to Madison, he has his left turn blinker on. His windows are up, much like everyone else's, with the a/c blasting cool arctic air into their cars. There's traffic coming up the hill on Madison and all 3 lanes are crowded with cars racing to get home or wherever people go at this time of the early evening. I am standing on the corner waiting for the traffic to clear. There's no crosswalk or lights at this intersection just stop signs for the traffic on 45^th street.

After a few seconds the traffic begins to clear out. I look at the driver of the Miata he is looking at the oncoming traffic. I keep watching the driver, sweat pouring down my face just as if I was standing in the shower, wanting him to go or to give me some sort of signal that he sees me, or is at the very least is aware of my existence. As I wipe my face with the bottom on my tee shirt I think I see him give me the go head "wave". So I step out from the curb and begin running across the street. Then, as I am half way across the street I see, out of the corner of my eye that is asshole is gunning his car right after me! I can even hear the squeal of his front wheel drive crapper over the sonic rock that my Ipod is cranking out! I get about 2 more steps then have to dive for the curb with both arms stretched out as if I was sliding into third base head first with my arms stretched out. I have to dive about a whole lane in order to get to the safety of the sidewalk. As I land on the concrete of the sidewalk, and begin to roll my ipod falls off of my arm and flies into the gutter of 45^th Street. I roll only once and land on my back. As I lay there, heart going a thousand beats a minuets, adrenaline coursing thought my veins. I think I hear this douche bag say "Next time be faster!" as he was speeding north on Madison.

I think "What? Are you fucking kidding me?" I think I'm in shock at this point. Did I just hear what I think I heard? No fucking way did that dude just yell at me? NO HE DIDIN'T!"

I stand up debating whether or not to race after this ass-clown and yank him from his car and beat him like a rented mule. I decide against such an action because I don't think I could get off with pleading self-defense. Plus I just ran 3 miles so I was kind of tired.

I'm shaking, I have to sit back down to collect myself. Holy fuck I think, I was almost run over by a car that weights about as much as I used to. But thanks to my cat (o.k. more like elephant) like reflexes he didn't hit me but I sure as hell know he can dam close.

I pick up my Ipod and walk the rest of the way home. I was too out of sorts to run back home. I just keep saying to myself WTF? WTF? WTF? I still can't believe that someone would intentionally try to run me over. What the hell did I do to this fucker?

I wasn't hurt but still kind of freaked out by the whole thing. Best of all my Ipod is totally fine.

People always tend to ask me why I make such a big deal of my birthday. The answer simple because shit like that can happen any time or anywhere. Just be glad you made it a whole other year and hope you make another whole year! Because when you stop celebrating your birthday then you're FUCKED!

North is at the top of your screen. The house with the red roof in the northeast corner is no longer there. that whole corner are now new condos. I was running from left to right. From Madison to Belleview is down hill in the direction I was running. I was standing at the north east corner.

View Larger Map

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Weekend Wrap Up , Random, Fitness

Friday night started out with a MAJOR CATASTROPHE. On the way home from work I stopped at the liquor (Liquor, I hardly knew her!) store for some tasty libations. I pick up some Boulevard Wheat for me and some Coors Light for my buddy Mr. Awesome. I get home, open the refrigerator and the light doesn't come on. "Well Crap" I think, the light bulb must be out. "No biggie," I think I'll just replace the light bulb tomorrow. I really don't need that light anyway. Why would I need it when the only thing I keep in there is beer, Diet Coke, and water? Then, after some further investigation I realize that all of the ice in the trays has melted. This is when the freak out begins. I have a 6 pack of Boulevard and a 12 pack of Coors Light to keep cold. I quickly think COOLER!! I have a couple of coolers. I call Mr. Awesome and tell him about the impending disaster. He agrees, this is a MAJOR CATASTROPHE, and says he will stop and get a couple bags of ice on his way to my house. I tell him that I'll have the coolers waiting. So, while he is on his way to my house I dig out one of my many coolers from the garage and some 409 cleaner to prepare the coolers for the ice and beer. Meanwhile the recently purchased beer is just sitting on the kitchen calendar warming up. I finish cleaning out the cooler just as Mr. Awesome arrives with the 2 bags of ice. He loads the cooler and I go back to investigating what the problem is with the refrigerator. First I check the fuse box. No problem there, all fuses are good too go. So I pull the refrigerator out from the wall to check out the plug. I find out that the refrigerator is plugged into some kind of energy saving contraption. I notice that there's a light on the gizmo but the light is not on. So I unplug the refrigerator from the thing-a-ma-gig (thingamagig, whaterva!) and plug it in to the wall. Open the door and the light is on and the motor in back is now running. FUCK YEA!! I fixed the mama-jama! Cancel the red alert, cancel the General Quarters, Stand down the battle stations! I have just averted one of the most dangerous catastrophes my house has ever experienced. It's a good thing too because I don't have the money to either fix or get a new fridge. We celebrate by opening (and drinking) our first of many beers for the night. I relish in my awesomeness for the next few minutes. Then I take a shower and we head out.

We decide to start at Paddy O'Quigleys in the Crossroads District near 20^th and Grand. It was out first time there so we decide to hang out there just rappin' and catching up on the usual stuff. We then went to The Cashew across the street. Both are good bars. Paddies has a shit load of TV's and they have a back room that they have already rented out a few times for fantasy football draft parties. They run it in conjunction with the Herford House which is across Walnut from there. There were a lot of people at both bars but neither was as packed as the last time I was down there on First Fridays a few weeks ago. After that we went to Kelly's where we hassled a table full of girls that were out for a bachelorette party. Then we ended the night at The Twin.

Saturday I just sat around recovering. Saturday night I stayed in and watched Snakes on a Plane. WHAT A SHIT WHOLE OF A MOVIE! Who do I call to get the 2 hours of my life back for watching this movie? But it does have THE most horrific scene in a movie I have ever seen, NOT one of the most but THE MOST HORRIFIC scene EVER in the history of ALL MOVIES. (SPOILER ALERT!!) Just as the snakes start to bite everyone but before anyone knows it this dude is in the toilet pissing. Then a snake comes up from inside the bowl while he is pissing and bites him on his wang!!! I can't even begin to describe how horrible that scene was, let me just tell you that I will be checking ALL toilets and urinals for snakes the next time I use them, and forget about pissing outside no fuckin' way!

Sunday I FINALLY cut the grass. The grass was so long that while doing it I think I ran over a tiny Philippine village. But it still only took me about an hour or so. Then after surveying my awesomeness I decided that I deserved a reward, so I took a nap.

*************************************************

So now we are up to right now Sunday night. I'm watching the Pittsburg Steelers VS Philadelphia Eagles in High Def. Let me tell you how fuckin' AWESOME this is if it wasn't for this laptop giving me 3^rd degree burns on my thighs and testicles then I would have a massive boner! It's that AWESOME PEOPLE!

Now that everyone is fully uncomfortable, and creeped out, lets' move on to some random thoughts.

*************************************************

This week, Wednesday the highlight will be a rules meeting at a bar in Lenexa regarding the fantasy football league that Reggie and I are in, this will be our 4^th year in this league. This meeting is to discuss and propose any rule changes, pay our league fee, and pick the draft order. It also starts our weekly Wednesday night meetings which will continue for the next 4 months. The draft for this league is a week from Wednesday.

************************************************

Saturday will mark the one year mark for the diet which means I have to get to the gym for the first time in 2 months for a weight in. I have not yet decided which night I will go, maybe later in the week like Thursday, or Friday. Hopefully, I will be below 170 pounds so I can say that I have officially lost over 80 lbs. I'll let ya know how that goes next week. I also have to get serious about training for the 2 half marathons that I'm doing in October (the 20^th) and November (19^th). My last 5K of the year is on Saturday the 8^th in Overland Park.

And now that I can smell my scrotum being bar-be-que'd I will bid you all a good night and wish you all a happy week. Thanks for reading.

Friday, August 17, 2007

For Your Viewing Pleasure

Fattie Picks

Myspace

Facebook

You betta' recognize!

Click for larger image.

Talk to ya'll Monday Night.

Update: I forgot that I made myspace private a few days ago. I changed it back to public so everyone will be able to see the fatties. If your work won't allow you to access myspace, and you don't have a computer at home, I'll post them here in a few weeks. You can thank Nightmare for reminding me. Or I could have been a jerk and just said to get a myspace page but I'm not in the mood to be a jerk.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Random Shizz

Random Stuff that has been on my mind.

1. So I am still debating on whether or not to post some fattie picks on here or not. But the other day I changed my myspace.com page around and low and be hold I realized that I already have some fat picks of me. Taken on a cruise in Nov of 2003. So you can go there and compare them with the picks from some races that I ran this year that are there also, too see how much weight I have lost. I have lost 77 pounds in just 10 months. If you don't have a my space page, what's wrong with you? Everyone else has one, what makes you so special? If you do have one, but aren't on my friends list yet, all I have to say is "Why the fuck not? Don't you like me? Well, you should like me, I'm fucking AWESOME, just ask my mom.

2. Last Comic Standing is cracking me up, right now, I have to piss.

3. Here is a messed up story for ya. This is actually the second time this has happened to me. But the first time was a more friendlier meeting. The other day I was out running at Mill Creek Park when all of the sudden this dude comes running right up to me, and starts running right next to me and asked me something. I had my Ipod on so I take off my ear pieces and stop running so I can hear him. I ask him to repeat the question by saying "I'm sorry, what?"

He replies "You're The D right? You write "The D Rules" blog?"

WTF? I think. "Um, yea do you read it?" I ask. I'm all sweaty so I don't offer to shake his hand.

"Yea both me and the girlfriend, she thinks you're funny as shit." He says.

"OH yea tell her I said thanks. What do you think?" I question.

"I think you're kind of lame."

I can immediately see where this is going. Downhill really FAST.

"Then why do you read it if you think the blog is lame." I question again.

"I don't think the blog is lame I think YOU'RE lame." He replied.

I then reply with this classic comeback. "Well dude, thanks for your opinion but it's not my fault your opinion sucks!" I then continue "Dude, you don't fuckin' know me. We've never meet, you think I put everything on that blog that I ever do. You think you know me just by reading some lame ass jokes and stories that I put up there? You have GOT to be KIDDING me!" "Go fuck yourself, Douche bag!" I then turn around and start walking away and continue my run. I don't know what happened to him, I didn't care.

I wasn't going to say anything about it but it just really creeps me the fuck out that someone who has never met me, thinks they know me just from this blog. And that they've formed a negative opinion of ME just from words on a computer screen. That's like saying you know Brad Pitt just because you saw him in a stupid movie. Seriously, how does someone come to that conclusion? I've met a few of my fellow bloggers but I wouldn't say that I KNOW any of them by any stretch of the imagination. Hell, I even work with a popular blogger but I certainly would not say that I know them because we've never meet in person, but we've talked via emails when we first realized that we worked for the same company. But for me to assume that I know that blogger would be lame, stupid and childish!

I try to make this blog funny and entertaining, although I know it's not always is, but I try, that's all I can do. If you don't like it then why would you keep reading? Wouldn't that be like watching a crappy movie over and over? If you do like it, then tell your friends about it I need more hits.

4. I changed my MEZZ because it's freaking HOT outside.

5. I don't have a fifth, except to say that I have to go watch Hard Knocks with the Chiefs.

Talk to ya'll later! Stay Cool!

And to those that like the blog thanks for reading.

Birthday Wish List

With less than 90 days left until my 37th birthday I thought I would start my birthday wish list. I will edit this list as I deem it necessary, so check it often. Here we go in no particular order.

A bag for my laptop. So I could take it outside of the house. Like the front porch. This one is nice or at least on the right track. I have a 17” screen on the laptop so make sure the bag is big enough for a 17” screen. Otherwise I will throw it at you and scream “You ruined my birthday!! You Ruiner!!”

One of those types of pillows that has a board on one side and a pillow on the other so I could stop burning the fuck out of my thighs with this laptop. This should get you headed in the right direction. I want it to match the couches. You could steal one from The Hampton Inn. Or you could be cool and actually by one from that link, ‘cause it’s EXACTALLY what I want!

A cordless mouse and keyboard for the PC. I’m still using a mouse with the ball inside.

Speaking of the home PC, I also want a new video card. Nothing special just a new one to go with the new monitor.

My two front teeth. Opps, that's for Christmas

MORE HITS!

One of these! Would totally kick ass!

An all expenses paid scuba diving trip to Australia so I could dive the Great Barrier Reef! I would even take a scuba trip to the Bahamas.

CLOTHES!!! HELLO I’ve lost almost 80 pounds! Gift Cards from the following Men’s Stores. Banana Republic, Nordstrom’s, Neiman Marcus, Sears, Macy’s, The Gap, Harold’s, Old Navy, Dicks Sporting Goods, JC Penny’s. And any others that you think I might have missed. And a hot chick to pick them out.

An all in one scanner, printer, copier, toaster.

A surprise party. Can you believe that I’m gonna be 37 years old and I’ve never had a surprise party? WTF!! You could have it here I’m just sayin’.

A Shoe label. Because I’m gonna get hit by a car eventually. The odds are in the cars favor.

A yard rake My old one is busted.

Snow shovel So I can shovel the snow. Duh!

Snow Blower So I won’t hurt my back shoveling 50 yards of driveway.

Dish washer So I don’t have to keep cleaning my dish over and over.

Life size Storm Trooper or Darth Vader.

Baywatch Pinball Machine

An air hockey table

Tickets to the Super Bowl.

A trip to one of those aerial Dogfighting schools where they strap you into a World War II era airplane and you actually get to fly around shooting you’re your opponents down. That would be WICKED SWEET! This one would be even more awesomer than # 7 ‘cause it comes with a video!

Last but not least I would like one beer from all of my buddies (dudes) and pals (Hot Chicks).

Now I know what your thinking, “But The D you forgot to add any type of sexy time to your list. Don’t you want some hot sexy chicks to perform various types of dirty dirty stuff to you?”

Well, of course I do, but do I really have to say that kind of stuff every time I make a list of stuff that I want? I mean c’mon it’s understood that I want that kind of stuff all the time, right?

Subscribe to: Comment Feed (RSS)

What the HELL am I running from? (2007)

MY AWESOMEST POST EVER!