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100 Facts That You Didn't Know About The D

1. The D doesn't have to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Tall buildings duck under The D.

2. The D can delete the Recycling Bin.

3. When The D goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

4. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but The D says its beef, then it's beef.

5. Whenever The D plays Chutes and Ladders, he treats the chutes as ladders, because he's not some sissy who can't climb up a plastic slide.

6. When The D deletes files from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.

7. The D can slam revolving doors.

8. Once a cobra bit The D's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

9.The D can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.

10. Giraffes were created when The D uppercut a horse.

11. The D is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.

12. The D was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

13. On his birthday, The D randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

14. The D can speak braille.

15. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for The D.

16. The D once stated that he "doesn't wail on sissy boys." This led to the pink polo shirts with popped collars craze. Little do those pitiful fools know that The D was just making it easier to find sissy boys to wail on.

17. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. The D can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.

18. The D doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

19. The D does not sleep. He waits.

20. The D once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

21. World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, The D ate Kobayashi.

22. If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear The D laughing at you.

23. The D died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

24. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects The D could use to kill you, including the room itself.

25. The D sleeps with a night light. Not because The D is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of The D.

26. The D is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

27. The D's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools The D.

28. The D always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.

29. The D is the only one who can "try this at home."

30. The D beat a wall at tennis. Yes. A WALL.

31. The D's blood type is WD-40.

32. If The D wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.

33. The D played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

34. The last man who made eye contact with The D was Ray Charles.

35. The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that The D's basement was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.

36. You are what you eat. That is why The D's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

37. The D owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

38. Circles exist because The D beat the crap out of some squares.

39. The D had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow, and anywhere The D went the lamb was sure to go. So he killed it.

40. The D was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

41. The D invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.

42. Getting murdered by The D counts as a natural cause of death.

43. When The D plays any video game, God mode automatically turns on.

44. The D destroyed the periodic table, saying The D only recognizes the element of surprise.

45. The D puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

46. The D counted to infinity - twice.

47. The D can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

48. Only once has The D ever cried. The only survivors were a bunch of animals and some dude named Noah.

49. The popular video game "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from The D and forgot to pay him back.

50. The D's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.

51. The D and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.

52. The D once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

53. The D irons his shirts while he's wearing them.

54. The D once got caught doing 100 in a 50 zone. The cop did give him a speeding ticket, however The D still pleads his innocence to this day, stating that he was simply out for a morning jog.

55. The D wears a cup not to protect himself, but to protect the players on the other team.

56. The D knows the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow (African *AND* European).

57. Onions do not make The D cry. The D makes onions crap themselves.

58. If you haven't seen Alien vs. Predator yet, don't bother, The D wins.

59. The D was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

60. The D can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

61. The D was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.

62. On a high school math test, The D put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because The D solves all his problems with Violence.

63. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to The D and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

64. The D doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

65. The D does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

66. The D invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

67. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be The D.

68. Crop circles are The D's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down and shut the fuck up!.

69. The D does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. The D goes killing.

70. The D does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction.

71. There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because The D is going to walk.

72. When The D enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

73. The only time The D was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

74. The D has the heart of a child. He keeps it in a small box.

75. The word "lesbian" derives from an old Latin phrase that roughly translates as "She who has not yet been introduced to The D."

76. Superman owns a pair of The D pajamas.

77. The movie Ray is loosely based on the life of The D, only they substituted piano playing for eating toddlers, and blindness for the ability to fly.

78. What scientists thought was natural selection is actually only the continued survival of animals The D has found too chewy to eat.

79. When The D gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

80. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped The D's house one Christmas.

81. The D has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.

82. Weeping Willows are a result of The D yelling at trees for not being tough enough.

83. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when The D punched himself in the face.

84. The D can watch a season of "24" in just three hours.

85. The D is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right fist.

86. The D became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.

87. The D's dog is trained to pick up his own poop because The D will not take crap from anyone.

88. The D sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.

89. The D can predict the shuffle on his iPod.

90. The D used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

91. The D is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.

92. The D doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.

93. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: The D was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.

94. The D can kill two stones with one bird.

95. The D can tie his shoes with his feet.

96. The D is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.

97. The D can make a paraplegic run for his life.

98. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures The D allows to live.

99. When The D gets pulled over he lets the cop off with a warning.

100. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless The D has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Monday, June 04, 2007

Hospital Hill Run

Howdy Folks, this weekend the highlight was the Hospital Hill Run.

This is now it went down:

The day started bad with the D.C. Krew calling me telling me to get up, they were picking me up at 6 a.m. I had the alarm set for 5:30 and 5:45. I would have heard the alarms but, I woke up at 4 having to piss like a mo-fo and went right back to sleep. I had to piss really bad because I spent the majority of the day Friday chugging water and Gatorade like my life depended on it.

I quickly jumped in the shower while they waited in the living room. It was only a quick shower just enough to get rid of the bed head.

I was planning on getting up and having a good breakfast but ended up not having the time. I just had a power bar on the way to Crown Center. This power bar came with the goodie bag that all of the runners received. Have you ever had one of these things? I had not, and let me tell you that I will not be eating one of those hasty ass things ever again. It was seriously the most disgusting thing I have ever eaten. It tasted like pure shit. One of my top ten worst decisions ever!

We got to Crown Center and parked in a surface parking lot. I pinned on my bib number strapped on my Ipod and said good luck to the D.C. Krew. They were running in the 5K (3.1 miles) while I was running in the 10K (6.2 miles). The 10K starting line was on Grand just north of Pershing. Their staring line was on Gilliam and 26th street I think. Either way they were not together.

As I was walking down to my starting line my stomach started doing a little freak out, which it happens when I get nervous. Butterflies, usually some dry heaving, and lots of farting. But it usually only last a few minuets. I get to the starting area where there must have been 1500-2000 people (I later found out that this was the highest number of runners since 1991). I find a place on the east side of the street and start to stretch out. Paying special attention to my thighs and ass checks (gluteus maximus) ‘cause most of the course was hilly.

After the National Anthem I put on the Ipod. I had made a specific play list for this race. It included such bands as Metallica (obviously), Disturbed, Buckcherry, AC/DC, and other hard rockers to keep me pumped all though the 6.2 miles. As the count down started with 5…4… 3… 2… 1… GO! (Which is weird, you would think they would of said, Ready, Set GO!). I hit play, the mass of runners start to move.

The Music starts to play:

DONG…

DONG…

DONG…

DONG…

(Guitar begins)

CYMBOLS…

Just as I am getting up to speed and crossing the start line where the timer is the drums kick in with an ATOMIC SMASH.

“I’m a rollin’ thunda,
pourin rain,
I’m comin’ on like a Hurricane.
White lights a flashin’ across the sky
your only young but cha gonna die…"

I started with Rock Anthem HELLS BELLS by AC/DC. I get in step with the bass drum.

Thump…

Thump…

Thump…

FUCK YEA!!!

I get a good pace down I’m feeling GREAT!! My stomach has stopped freaking out. I have already hit my stride and I am just chuggin’ a long. I am clam, I am relaxed. I'm motivated!

I hit the first minor hill, make it about half way up and I blow a tire, (shoe becomes untied) in front of the Hyatt Hotel. I shoot for the side of the road. For a quick pit stop, with the shoe retied I rejoin the race. I get back in steep with the second song. (I won’t remember any other song until I get to the final mile).

The First Hill - The Back Breaker

I don’t know if any of you have ever ran this race or any races for that mater but this hill was complete and utter bullshit. It started at McGee and Gilliam. This hill was steep and long and it totally kicked the shit out of me. At the top of the hill I was so winded and worn out that I had to walk to get my breath. This was the first of 3 spots where I had planned to walk. I had driven the course a few weeks ago but driving it does not do it justice. I passed the one mile marker and didn’t even notice it. I walked for about 100 yards, caught my breath, and then it was back on, like Donkey Kong.

The rest of the way until mile #4 was flat or just about all down hill or the hills were, minor. I was checking my watch and time at every mile. I ran the rest of the way, to the second hill, at a 9 minuet per mile pace, which is a whole minuet per mile faster than I was hoping to achieve. I was pretty pumped. We then arrive at the Second Hill at the intersection of Broadway and 43rd Street. Right near the Levee and the Marriott Hotel.

The Second Hill – The Widow Maker

I have one thing to say to this hill “FUCK YOU!” This hill is even more bullshit that the first one. Seriously, what the fuck, are you kidding me? This one was not as steep as the first one but it was probably twice as long. The hill started at the intersection kept going all the way past the Hurricane, and even past the fire station almost to 39th street before it leveled off. Fuck, who can run up this fucking hill? I thought. I made it up half way and then said “Screw it”! I had to save some energy for the final mile. I walked for 1 minuet, (which is still on the hill) then get back on the horse. I find a good tune in the Ipod and get moving. But at a pace that was considerably slower than I was making before.

The course followed Broadway until we turn right on to 31st Street. Then a left on Wyandotte toward the Liberty Memorial

The Third Hill – Baby Shit

This is the third and final hill. This hill was the steepest and the shortest. Hence the name “Baby Shit” because it also stunk I walked up this hill just because I knew it was the last hill and I knew I was going to have to practically sprint the final distance. Upon cresting this hill I put on my current favorite song 10,000 Fist by Disturbed. As I was running down the back side of this hill I was frantically searching the Ipod for the song. I wanted to hear this some becasue I think it rocks the hizouse! The beat starts slow and gets really fast, really quickly in to the song.

The rest of the course is all downhill. I just letting gravity take control but I am careful to stay under control.

My finish time was 1:03:35, that’s 1 hour 3 min, 35 seconds. I missed my goal by 1 min 35 seconds.

Here are the official results:







Consequences:

After the race we took a couple of pictures that ended up being crappy so I’m not showing you them. K-Dog tried to get a few of me crossing the finish line but they didn’t turn out. There was some dude that I was passing as I came to the line that was between my brother and me. So those didn’t come out. But there were quite a few photographers on the course so once those a put out I will try to get those posted.

I am totally pissed off and ashamed at my results of this race. I even debated not writing this post. I should have been able to make this course in 1 hour flat or faster. But I did the best that I could do and that is all that I could do.

I’m still pretty sore from the effort I put in, my thighs are sore but my ass checks are REALLY sore. I’m gonna need one of you hot chicks to come over and rub them for me.

Just call first because I HATE the pop-in. I think it’s rude.

Have a nice week and I will talk to ya’ll in a few days.

Thanks for reading!



Scribbled down by "The D" Tango Charlie of this post 10:31 PM

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