100 Facts That You Didn't Know About The D

1. The D doesn't have to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Tall buildings duck under The D.

2. The D can delete the Recycling Bin.

3. When The D goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

4. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but The D says its beef, then it's beef.

5. Whenever The D plays Chutes and Ladders, he treats the chutes as ladders, because he's not some sissy who can't climb up a plastic slide.

6. When The D deletes files from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.

7. The D can slam revolving doors.

8. Once a cobra bit The D's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

9.The D can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.

10. Giraffes were created when The D uppercut a horse.

11. The D is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.

12. The D was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

13. On his birthday, The D randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

14. The D can speak braille.

15. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for The D.

16. The D once stated that he "doesn't wail on sissy boys." This led to the pink polo shirts with popped collars craze. Little do those pitiful fools know that The D was just making it easier to find sissy boys to wail on.

17. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. The D can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.

18. The D doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

19. The D does not sleep. He waits.

20. The D once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

21. World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, The D ate Kobayashi.

22. If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear The D laughing at you.

23. The D died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

24. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects The D could use to kill you, including the room itself.

25. The D sleeps with a night light. Not because The D is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of The D.

26. The D is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

27. The D's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools The D.

28. The D always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.

29. The D is the only one who can "try this at home."

30. The D beat a wall at tennis. Yes. A WALL.

31. The D's blood type is WD-40.

32. If The D wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.

33. The D played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

34. The last man who made eye contact with The D was Ray Charles.

35. The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that The D's basement was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.

36. You are what you eat. That is why The D's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

37. The D owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

38. Circles exist because The D beat the crap out of some squares.

39. The D had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow, and anywhere The D went the lamb was sure to go. So he killed it.

40. The D was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

41. The D invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.

42. Getting murdered by The D counts as a natural cause of death.

43. When The D plays any video game, God mode automatically turns on.

44. The D destroyed the periodic table, saying The D only recognizes the element of surprise.

45. The D puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

46. The D counted to infinity - twice.

47. The D can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

48. Only once has The D ever cried. The only survivors were a bunch of animals and some dude named Noah.

49. The popular video game "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from The D and forgot to pay him back.

50. The D's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.

51. The D and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.

52. The D once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

53. The D irons his shirts while he's wearing them.

54. The D once got caught doing 100 in a 50 zone. The cop did give him a speeding ticket, however The D still pleads his innocence to this day, stating that he was simply out for a morning jog.

55. The D wears a cup not to protect himself, but to protect the players on the other team.

56. The D knows the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow (African *AND* European).

57. Onions do not make The D cry. The D makes onions crap themselves.

58. If you haven't seen Alien vs. Predator yet, don't bother, The D wins.

59. The D was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

60. The D can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

61. The D was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.

62. On a high school math test, The D put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because The D solves all his problems with Violence.

63. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to The D and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

64. The D doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

65. The D does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

66. The D invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

67. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be The D.

68. Crop circles are The D's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down and shut the fuck up!.

69. The D does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. The D goes killing.

70. The D does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction.

71. There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because The D is going to walk.

72. When The D enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

73. The only time The D was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

74. The D has the heart of a child. He keeps it in a small box.

75. The word "lesbian" derives from an old Latin phrase that roughly translates as "She who has not yet been introduced to The D."

76. Superman owns a pair of The D pajamas.

77. The movie Ray is loosely based on the life of The D, only they substituted piano playing for eating toddlers, and blindness for the ability to fly.

78. What scientists thought was natural selection is actually only the continued survival of animals The D has found too chewy to eat.

79. When The D gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

80. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped The D's house one Christmas.

81. The D has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.

82. Weeping Willows are a result of The D yelling at trees for not being tough enough.

83. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when The D punched himself in the face.

84. The D can watch a season of "24" in just three hours.

85. The D is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right fist.

86. The D became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.

87. The D's dog is trained to pick up his own poop because The D will not take crap from anyone.

88. The D sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.

89. The D can predict the shuffle on his iPod.

90. The D used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

91. The D is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.

92. The D doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.

93. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: The D was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.

94. The D can kill two stones with one bird.

95. The D can tie his shoes with his feet.

96. The D is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.

97. The D can make a paraplegic run for his life.

98. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures The D allows to live.

99. When The D gets pulled over he lets the cop off with a warning.

100. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless The D has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Monday, October 22, 2007

The Kansas City Marathon

The day started with a revile call at 5:30 am, which is usually the time I'm just getting home on some Friday nights/Saturday mornings. I had packed up all my stuff the night before into a small bag that I could just grab and go. But of course I still had to unpack the bag and go through it again to make sure I didn't forget anything. I take a shower and put on what I was going to wear for the race, socks, shoes, under armor shorts, regular shorts and the tee shirt that you've have already seen. I get out to the car hop in, turn the key, and then I farted which reminded me that I had not yet taken my pre-race dump. I shut off the car and back inside I go to do my bizzness. I get down to the Crown Center where there is a long line to get in to the parking garage so I just park on the surface lot that is south of Hallmark. I park the car and put on my watch and put my timing chip and my single car key in each shoe. I walk down to the park that is just north of the Westin Crown Center Hotel. I find a place under a tree and begin to stretch out, and warm up. At this point my stomach is freaking out. But I just tell myself that your already here, and that I have done all I can do to prepare for the race. I'm either ready or I'm not nothing I can do about it now.

They announce that the race will start in 15 min so I strap on my Ipod and walk up to the starting line, or at least get close to it. I realize that I'm surrounded by people with green numbers on their shirts. "Oh shit!" I think "These are the full marathoners! I better get the hell out of this area. These people aren't messing around." As I relocating further back I see that they have these flags with time on them like 9:00, 9:15, 9:30, and so on, each time being 15 minutes later than the previous one. So I find the 10:00 time and stand nearest I can to it. These are pace setters, I can keep a 10 min mile pace for 6 miles or so before I start to wear down. Then the 5 min warning goes off. Someone starts singing the National Anthem and I stand at attention like all good Marines do that are not in uniform. It immediately gets me going it always has, its just something about that song just puts me in the mood to kick some ass.

GO!!!! Nothing happens… after a few seconds maybe 25-30, the mass of almost 5000 people (I'm probably somewhere in the middle of the half marathoners) start to move closer and closer to the starting line. (Marathoners up front, then the half marathoners, then 5k'ers started 15 min behind us. Plus scattered in there were team marathoners where 4 people made up a team and would run 6-7 mile each of the 26.2 miles that the marathon consisted of.) The closer I get to the starting line the faster the walking becomes to where just I as I'm coming up on the starting line I start to run. I then start MY timer on MY watch.

I get a good pace going not to fast though I don't want to shoot my load too soon. I have a long ways to go. So I'm more or less just running an easy pace trying to get warmed up for the 2 hour plus run. And trying to enjoying the whole experience. Then I step in a pot hole and break my ankle! HAHAHA, that didn't happen I was just messing with you. How mess up would that have been?

Mile 1 thru 2

Before I even get to the first turn off of Grand I look over to my left and see this dude staring at me. He's about 5-6 feet away from me. I just ignore him becasue I was rocking out to some AC/DC. He moves over and says something to me. I take our my left ear piece and ask him politely to please repeat what he just said he says that he recognizes me from this blog and wished me good luck. I said the same to him. He said he was a lurker, and I said thanks for reading. And that was my one running with some one that read this site for the day. So thanks for reading dude let me know how ya did!

On the hill on Kessler which runs on the west side of the Liberty Memorial I had my one and only blow out. My shoe came untied and I thought I had lost my car key which would have been an absolute tragedy if I had to stop and look for that dam thing. So I stop to retie my shoe and look up and see my pall Katie running up the hill I start cheering her on "C'mon, KATIE! WHATS THE HOLD UP FASTER, FASTER." Just basically being an ass to her because I was in front of her. We make it up the hill together. And do the loop on the Liberty memorial taking about all the show offs that were already up and over the hill of Wyandotte Street. "Freaking show offs" I tell Katie. On the down side of the hill Katie just takes off! She starts to just fly down the hill with her arms wind-milling like she was a little kid running down a hill and didn't have the strength to stop herself, it was hilarious. The she just kept going once we turned left on to 31st street. I never saw her again until after the race.

Miles 4 thru 6

I turn left off of main at the 4 mile mark on to Westport road. As I get near Kelly's I remember thinking I wonder if Kyle will give me a beer for free? I bet he would he's good people like that. But just as I'm passing my favorite bar I see a couple of mine and Katie's friends. I see them but they don't see me so I have to yell at them to get their attention. I bet they were either already drinking or were still drunk from the night before.

Further down the road at the Blockbuster store at the intersection of Westport Road and southwest traffic way, I see my best pals Lonnie and Abby. Well I see Lonnie on the corner of the parking lot. As I get closer I see that she is talking to Abby who is sitting in her car and Lonnie's is on the phone. As I run past them I yell "HEY! YOUR NEVER GOING TO SEE ME IF YOU STAY IN THE CAR!" They jump out and come running toward the street but I'm already past them. I had told them that I wasn't going to stop for any hugs plus I would be all wet and sweaty, so they prolly wouldn't want any hugs any way. While I am passing the big intersection and yelling at them I hear someone yelling from the cars that were stopped "RUN FASTER, RUN FASTER!" I remember thinking yea that's what I would be yelling too if I had to sit in my car and watch all of these people. Well come to find out later that the dude yelling form his car was my buddy the BC the bartender at The Point! I talked to him Saturday night and he said he saw me running and that is why he started yelling, he was telling me to run faster.

At the intersection of 45th street and Roanoke I hear someone else calling my name he is yelling Hey Darren, I turn and look and it's one of the guys in my fantasy football league volunteering as a crossing guard! How freaking random is that! I think he started to ask me who I was playing this week in our league but I just waved and kept on pushing. I was too busy kickin ass to stop and talk.

I can't believe this post is already 1400 words and I'm just barely half way.

Mile 7 thru 8

Somewhere during mile 7 I started getting a sharp pain in my lower abdomen which started getting worse and worse then I farted. But it wasn't one of those standard farts it was one that only came out when my left foot hit the ground right, thththt, right, ththth, right, thththt. I don't know if they stunk or not because I was moving away from the "backblast" but I bet the people behind me knew if they stunk or not you'll have to ask them. So I knew I was in some serious trouble if I didn't hit the pot-a- johns and quick. So I picked up the pace and so did the fartingn right,ththththt,right,ththththth,right you get the idea. So at the aid station at the beginning of mile 8, I had to take a dump. Have you ever tried to take a dump while soaking wet? It was a new experience that I will never forget. Plus that pot-a-john was really hot (and stinky) inside, so not only was I sweating my balls off before I got inside I started sweating even MORE when I was in there (which I didn't think was possible.) It was like a turd sauna! So I make quick work of that and was back out in like 5 minutes or so. Before I went in I made sure to stop the timer on my watch.

Miles 9 thru Finish

The rest of the race was pretty uneventful just a nice pace and some good tunes to keep me motivated. At Mile 11 or so I started to lose some of my confidence that I could even finish this thing under 2:45 which was the number one goal, along with finishing without walking. As I rounded the final corner from 18th street on to Baltimore I could see the finish line! SWEET!!!! I thought, I FREAKING DID IT!! I took out my ear pieces and tucked them in my shirt collar so they wouldn't come bouncing out. Only 0.1 mile to go! I looked at my watch and it said 2:40 and some change. Shit! I better pick it up if I want to make this in under 2:45! I could hear all the people cheering on other people and the announcer announcing people's names and other stuff. What I didn't expect to see was Abby and Lonnie there with a sign that said "The D Rules". It got me laughing so hard in the last 200 yards or so that I almost fell over the finish line. How would that have looked? As I crossed the line I stopped the watch 2:42 AWESOME! Two goals down and one to go. Now, who wants to make out?

I had meet all of my goals for the day! Come in under 2:45 I was actually shooting for 2:30 but the bottom time was 2:45. And to run the entire thing, which I did, except for about 100 yards combined. When I would get water at an aid station I would walk while I was drinking it. If I tried to run while drinking I would get more down my shirt then in my mouth. And the third goal was to have fun while doing it, which I TOTES did!


After I got my metal I was walking back to the after party where there was no booze or free shots, or nekked women. What kind of after party is this I thought? A pretty lame one if ya ask me. Anyway, I meet up with Katie and her friend/trainer Kacey, who I have also know for a few years but haven't seen for about 2 years. We talk about the race and chug water and Gatorade like it was the nectar of the Gods. The whole time my feet keep getting more and more painful. I have had a problem with them for a few months now. And I really need to get them fixed or at least see a doctor. But after this race they hurt like a mofo!

I had to walk all the way back to my car from the parking lot of the fright house. That walk was torture!! When I got home at about 11 or so I remember thinking that if I went out last night I would have just been getting up about now. But instead I was in some serious pain because of my feet. I called Lonnie and Abby to say thanks for showing up and cheering me on and told them both how much pain I was in with regards to my feet. They both said to soak my feet in ebsome (sp?) salts. But neither volunteered to bring me any. I don't even know what ebsome salts are for that matter! I knew that I wouldn't be able to spend the rest of the day standing around my house. So I took some Advil, I ate some lunch and sent out some emails requesting that someone come over to the house and just hack off my feet. I mean they were that painful. On a scale of one to 10 (10 being shoot me now) I was prolly a 15 or more. I seriously could not stand it not only was it painful but it was also annoying, because when I would lay down on the couch I could feel my heart beating in them. That my friends was the WORST! I still don't know how I ended up crashing on the couch for about 3 hours.

When I woke up I was 100 times better. But the feet no longer hurt that bad. Or at least I couldn't feel my heart beating in them anymore. So I took a shower and got ready to hit The Point for some liquid painkillers. As the night wore on my feet stopped hurting but then my knees started to hurt. And they're still hurting today. But not nearly as bad, I would say like a 2 on the same scale I mentioned earlier.


Overall I would say I had an awesome time and I think it was a really great experience that most people are afraid to do. If you look at it from the perspective of where I was 14 months ago and how far I have come in just over a year! But I need to get my feet looked at before I try this distance (or longer? wait? what did he say?) again. So it's back to the 10K's and 5k's for the next 2 months. I would do this race and other races everyday of the week and twice on Sunday (as long as I get my feet looked at first.)

My next one is a 10K (6.2 miles) on Nov 10. I'm not going to do this distance until I get my feet fixed.

I have other stuff but they are more like random thoughts so I'll save those for later this week. Besides isn't this long enough? (that's what she said!)

Thanks for reading!