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100 Facts That You Didn't Know About The D

1. The D doesn't have to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Tall buildings duck under The D.

2. The D can delete the Recycling Bin.

3. When The D goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

4. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but The D says its beef, then it's beef.

5. Whenever The D plays Chutes and Ladders, he treats the chutes as ladders, because he's not some sissy who can't climb up a plastic slide.

6. When The D deletes files from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.

7. The D can slam revolving doors.

8. Once a cobra bit The D's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

9.The D can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.

10. Giraffes were created when The D uppercut a horse.

11. The D is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.

12. The D was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

13. On his birthday, The D randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

14. The D can speak braille.

15. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for The D.

16. The D once stated that he "doesn't wail on sissy boys." This led to the pink polo shirts with popped collars craze. Little do those pitiful fools know that The D was just making it easier to find sissy boys to wail on.

17. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. The D can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.

18. The D doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

19. The D does not sleep. He waits.

20. The D once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

21. World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, The D ate Kobayashi.

22. If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear The D laughing at you.

23. The D died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

24. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects The D could use to kill you, including the room itself.

25. The D sleeps with a night light. Not because The D is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of The D.

26. The D is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

27. The D's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools The D.

28. The D always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.

29. The D is the only one who can "try this at home."

30. The D beat a wall at tennis. Yes. A WALL.

31. The D's blood type is WD-40.

32. If The D wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.

33. The D played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

34. The last man who made eye contact with The D was Ray Charles.

35. The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that The D's basement was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.

36. You are what you eat. That is why The D's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

37. The D owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

38. Circles exist because The D beat the crap out of some squares.

39. The D had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow, and anywhere The D went the lamb was sure to go. So he killed it.

40. The D was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

41. The D invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.

42. Getting murdered by The D counts as a natural cause of death.

43. When The D plays any video game, God mode automatically turns on.

44. The D destroyed the periodic table, saying The D only recognizes the element of surprise.

45. The D puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

46. The D counted to infinity - twice.

47. The D can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

48. Only once has The D ever cried. The only survivors were a bunch of animals and some dude named Noah.

49. The popular video game "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from The D and forgot to pay him back.

50. The D's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.

51. The D and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.

52. The D once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

53. The D irons his shirts while he's wearing them.

54. The D once got caught doing 100 in a 50 zone. The cop did give him a speeding ticket, however The D still pleads his innocence to this day, stating that he was simply out for a morning jog.

55. The D wears a cup not to protect himself, but to protect the players on the other team.

56. The D knows the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow (African *AND* European).

57. Onions do not make The D cry. The D makes onions crap themselves.

58. If you haven't seen Alien vs. Predator yet, don't bother, The D wins.

59. The D was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

60. The D can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

61. The D was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.

62. On a high school math test, The D put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because The D solves all his problems with Violence.

63. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to The D and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

64. The D doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

65. The D does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

66. The D invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

67. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be The D.

68. Crop circles are The D's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down and shut the fuck up!.

69. The D does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. The D goes killing.

70. The D does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction.

71. There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because The D is going to walk.

72. When The D enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

73. The only time The D was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

74. The D has the heart of a child. He keeps it in a small box.

75. The word "lesbian" derives from an old Latin phrase that roughly translates as "She who has not yet been introduced to The D."

76. Superman owns a pair of The D pajamas.

77. The movie Ray is loosely based on the life of The D, only they substituted piano playing for eating toddlers, and blindness for the ability to fly.

78. What scientists thought was natural selection is actually only the continued survival of animals The D has found too chewy to eat.

79. When The D gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

80. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped The D's house one Christmas.

81. The D has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.

82. Weeping Willows are a result of The D yelling at trees for not being tough enough.

83. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when The D punched himself in the face.

84. The D can watch a season of "24" in just three hours.

85. The D is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right fist.

86. The D became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.

87. The D's dog is trained to pick up his own poop because The D will not take crap from anyone.

88. The D sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.

89. The D can predict the shuffle on his iPod.

90. The D used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

91. The D is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.

92. The D doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.

93. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: The D was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.

94. The D can kill two stones with one bird.

95. The D can tie his shoes with his feet.

96. The D is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.

97. The D can make a paraplegic run for his life.

98. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures The D allows to live.

99. When The D gets pulled over he lets the cop off with a warning.

100. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless The D has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Monday, July 30, 2007

Dating Definitions

Pre-ramble, or is it Preamble. Whateva!


STOP!! Now, I know what your thinking a single guy, 36 years old giving Dating Definitions? What the hell does he know about dating? This might be interesting? If you read this blog on a daily basis you might think, “He SEAMS like a perfectly awesome dude. Why is this kick-ass awesome dude still single? Well, this post might just answer all of your questions. Or at the very least create more questions. Or just ruin your whole image of me. Well, that’s a risk I’m willing to take.


It’s obvious to me that some of ya’ll married folks, and long time dating couples, are WAY, WAAAAY out of touch with the dating scene of today’s kick ass single people (i.e. me, “The D”. “Howdy! It’s nice to meet cha’!”) in Kansas City. A few of you seam to be confusing one date with “seeing someone” or “dating”. Every single one of us single people knows that they’re all entirely very different things. You wouldn’t confuse a Hot Carl with a Cleveland Steamer would you? No, you wouldn’t because 1) you just clicked those links and now you know the difference, and 2) you’re smart. But you might be just a little confused, like when I use there, when I mean to use their, or they’re. So I’m here to set you, and the record straight.


Just because someone goes out on a date once doesn’t mean they’re “dating” or even “seeing someone”. If you had a few lesbian experiences in college does that make you a lesbian? (Before you answer that question I have a few others. Did you get it on film? And where can I purchase said copy?) No, of course it doesn’t make you a lesbian. What it does make you, is incredibly hot in my book and I’m going to have to meet you soon, really, really soon. If you gave your frat buddy a BJ in the ally behind the Delta Tau Chi house in college just for some booze money does that make you gay? Well, of course THAT makes you gay. Men on men sex is disgusting, everyone knows that (not that there’s anything wrong with that). But two hot chicks going at it is one of the most beautiful things in the world…


…


I’m sorry I lost my train of thought what I was talking about…


Oh yea dating, I going to give you MY definitions NOT the Webster’s dictionary version. (Mostly because I’m pretty sure I’m spelling dating wrong (dateing?) How can you lookup a words definition if you don’t know how to spell it? Also because the dictionary just words in it not phrase these are mostly phrases.


Anyway, I’ll cover all of the, (BIG WORD ALERT!!!) plethora of relationships terminology and their definitions as I see them applied to in today’s awesome single person society.


Here comes the knowledge ya’ll! Ya, ready?


3.


2.


1.


LETS DO THIS!!


What is a date?


Is it a fruit? Is it a vegetable? I don’t know, and who gives a shit? Either way I don’t like’em. But that’s not the kind of date we’re going to discuss.


For us awesome single people, (all single people are awesome ‘cause we don’t have to “get clearance” from anybody to go out and get drunk with our friends, or just leave town and go to Chicago, or Boston, or that city named after a whales vagina, or wherever for the weekend), as long as we can afford it. (Our battle cry is “WE DO WHAT WE WANT! YOU CAN’T STOP US!” or “WERE HERE WERE SINGLE AND WERE READY TO MINGLE!”) and again these are MY definitions.


A date is when someone (usually the male) comes to your house, or apartment, (after you’ve cleaned the toilet and picked up all your dirty panties) picks you up, complements you on your bodacious ta-tas, and your sweet, sweet ass, then takes you out for a meal of some sort. It could be breakfast, brunch, lunch, lupper, supper, or dinner it really doesn’t matter. Then to some sort of entertainment (yes, I count as your entertainment if I take you out) like a movie, a play, dinner theater, concert, submarine races, strip club, S&M show, or even Lakeside Speedway. If you’re into that sort of thing, I’m not really into stock car races but whatever type of entertainment suits the both of you is just fine. Then for some drinks at the classy local watering hole like the Power Hour at the Dark Horse Tavern for all you can drink beer and wells for only 8 bucks from 8-10 on Friday and Saturday nights, or something a little swankier like the Twin Cities Tavern. (It’s only two blocks from my house). Then I take you home and walk you to the door.


One more thing, I pay, you can bring some money if you want to, but you won’t need it. I pay for my ladies it’s that simple. Sure you can offer but it just not gonna happen. Cause I’m fuckin’ gentleman, and momma didn’t raise no fool.


That’s my definition of a date if we don’t do at least all of that then it’s not a date in my book. Notice I did not mention sex. That’s your decision ladies. That’s gravy as far as I’m concerned. Once the relationship progresses then staying home with a movie and a home cooked dinner also counts as a date.


Friend with Benefits, or “Fuck Buddy”


In this type of relationship the title says it all. It’s basically nothing but (BIG WORD ALERT!!) fornication, or fornicating. This relationship usually starts out with you and someone of the opposite sex getting loaded and then doing the horizontal tango later that night. Then you wake up the next morning thinking well, it wasn’t that bad, and I ain’t getting any action from anyone else so WTF, so lets do it again. (This type of relationship goes hand in hand with the “booty call” which we’ll get into later). This is the best kind of relationship; you get all the benefits of a real relationship but without all the other crap like having to have conversations, buy them stuff, take them places, or spending time with them. That stuff just gets in the way of you two just doing it like hyenas in the wild. Besides you might not really like that person that much anyway, but they fuck like a porn star so you stick with it for a few weeks or months. Usually these types of relationships are best kept to yourself. I’ve been in a lot of these, (o.k. two), but not at the same time. The quality of these partners are usually of a lesser quality than you would normally date. For example, on the Maanasa Scale (I didn’t even know they had a name for that scale. Did you?) these partners would normally be like a high 4 or 5 maybe even a 6, if you’re lucky. (Yes, I’m well aware of what that says about me, thanks for pointing that out). You don’t tell anyone about these relationships because they’re just like riding a moped, sure there fun, lots of fun in fact, but you don’t want your friends to see you riding it.


There are a few rules to this relationship and to the booty call. Rule 1) No booty calls before 10 p.m. And no planning it out. Like calling on a Tuesday and planning to hook up on Friday. Otherwise, you take all the fun out of it. It’s just that simple. 2) No calling just to talk. Then you run the risk of turning something awesome into a really crappy relationship.


Getting to Know Someone


This is the first stage in any beginning relationship. I’m not really sure what it’s called so make up a title for it and let me know, will ya? You’ve meet, talked on the phone and gone out once. You find out their likes, dislikes, employment status, what they do in their spare time, family, brothers, sisters, parents, just the really basic information and the like. You’re also deciding if this bitch is crazy or not. By crazy I mean, does she always talk about her exes? Does she have any crazy ex-boyfriends that are stalking her? Does she still talk to them? Is she still doing any of them? Is she a rude bitch that talks on her cell phone when you’re out to dinner? This stage last between 0 – 3 or 4 dates. The dates in this stage have to be asked for, don’t just assume you two will be going out on a Saturday. You have to keep asking her out and impressing her if you want the relationship to grow like a meadow of lush green grass, or a heaping pile of dog shit.


There is usually just a kiss at then end of the night maybe just a little tongue. (Unless she’s a dirty, dirty, little whore then you’ll probably get laid). There is little to no real physical contact (Unless you drugged her with GHB and if that is the case then stop reading now and go punch yourself in the face. When you’re finished doing that, turn yourself in to the nearest police station. I don’t want fuck heads like you reading my blog). Maybe some making out and some heavy petting, you get to first base, maybe score a double with one swing of the bat. One of the perks of this stage is that you can’t be accused of cheating on the other person, simply because you and your partner have most likely not yet discussed the possibility of having a monogamous relationship.


Seeing Someone


This is the second stage in a relationship according to me “The D” (Hi, remember me, we meet earlier) after you’ve met someone. It usually doesn’t start until after at least the 3rd or 4th date and will last until at least the 6th or 7th date. Assuming you are only going out once or twice a week. During this stage you start to have feeling for this other person and are generally concerned about their well being, and their feelings, and their opinions (no mater how fucked up they are). The dates still have to be asked for but you won’t have to impress her every single time you go out (but you still have to keep impressing her just not every time). But you do have to keep putting effort in to it. The physical contact picks up to, hand holding in public, making out at the movies, going “parking” stuff like that. These make out sessions usually result in blue balls for the dudes, and massaged boobies for the chicks. It’s much tougher to get away with messing around on your partner also. Cause you now have feeling for your partner. If you want to this relationship to move on to the next stage then now is the time to discuss a monogamous relationship. Or you can continue being the whore that you are.


Sometimes this stage is skipped all together. You just blow right though the first stage and head straight for the third and final stage of a relationship. Skipping a stage is fine and totally up to you if you chose to do that.


Dating


This is the third and final stage in a relationship (until you get married) that we will be discussing. Dating starts after you have been seeing someone for a few weeks or months usually after the 7th or 8th date. In this stage you no longer have to ask if you will be going out on a Saturday night, it’s just implied and understood that you two will be together on any given night of the week. OR you will show up to variouse functions together like weddings or divorce parties. So if you make plans with the fellas or the gals you better tell your partner or there’s gonna be trouble. (By the way if you did not know that Saturday night was date night in Kansas City then move the fuck out of town.) You’re in a committed relationship so cheating is out of the question and you will most likely get caught. People will start referring to the two of you as a couple. You have meet her parents and she has meet yours. You have also introduced her to your whole crew, which she will immediately hate. You have met all of her friends and you will most likely think all of her friends are whores, to which you will most likely be correct.


You know you’re in this stage if 1) Sex is a constant occurrence. 2) You’re spending more time with her than you are with your buddies. 3) You’re thinking about her constantly. 4) Calling her during the middle of the day just to say Hi. Stuff like that. This is also when you find out that your style of dress just isn’t good enough for her. She begins to buy you new clothes and change you ever so slightly. You’ll probably not even notice the subtle changes. Most of these changes will be for the better. So just accept them and be happy.


You’re now in a committed relationship. CONGRADU-FUCKIN’-LATIONS!!


So those are my relationship definitions as I (The D, Hi, remember me? We meet at the beginning this post?) see them. Now, you have to understand that every relationship is different and you just have to play them all by ear. Or you could just skip all this dating bullshit, meet a nice girl on a Friday night, jet off to Las Vegas and get married after knowing her for 4 hours, which would defiantly ruin your life.


Or I could just be full of shit. You decide.

Scribbled down by "The D" Tango Charlie of this post 11:02 PM

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