The D Rules!!: Weekend Review

100 Facts That You Didn't Know About The D

1. The D doesn't have to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Tall buildings duck under The D.

2. The D can delete the Recycling Bin.

3. When The D goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

4. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but The D says its beef, then it's beef.

5. Whenever The D plays Chutes and Ladders, he treats the chutes as ladders, because he's not some sissy who can't climb up a plastic slide.

6. When The D deletes files from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.

7. The D can slam revolving doors.

8. Once a cobra bit The D's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

9.The D can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.

10. Giraffes were created when The D uppercut a horse.

11. The D is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.

12. The D was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

13. On his birthday, The D randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

14. The D can speak braille.

15. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for The D.

16. The D once stated that he "doesn't wail on sissy boys." This led to the pink polo shirts with popped collars craze. Little do those pitiful fools know that The D was just making it easier to find sissy boys to wail on.

17. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. The D can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.

18. The D doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

19. The D does not sleep. He waits.

20. The D once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

21. World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, The D ate Kobayashi.

22. If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear The D laughing at you.

23. The D died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

24. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects The D could use to kill you, including the room itself.

25. The D sleeps with a night light. Not because The D is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of The D.

26. The D is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

27. The D's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools The D.

28. The D always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.

29. The D is the only one who can "try this at home."

30. The D beat a wall at tennis. Yes. A WALL.

31. The D's blood type is WD-40.

32. If The D wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.

33. The D played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

34. The last man who made eye contact with The D was Ray Charles.

35. The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that The D's basement was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.

36. You are what you eat. That is why The D's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

37. The D owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

38. Circles exist because The D beat the crap out of some squares.

39. The D had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow, and anywhere The D went the lamb was sure to go. So he killed it.

40. The D was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

41. The D invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.

42. Getting murdered by The D counts as a natural cause of death.

43. When The D plays any video game, God mode automatically turns on.

44. The D destroyed the periodic table, saying The D only recognizes the element of surprise.

45. The D puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

46. The D counted to infinity - twice.

47. The D can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

48. Only once has The D ever cried. The only survivors were a bunch of animals and some dude named Noah.

49. The popular video game "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from The D and forgot to pay him back.

50. The D's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.

51. The D and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.

52. The D once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

53. The D irons his shirts while he's wearing them.

54. The D once got caught doing 100 in a 50 zone. The cop did give him a speeding ticket, however The D still pleads his innocence to this day, stating that he was simply out for a morning jog.

55. The D wears a cup not to protect himself, but to protect the players on the other team.

56. The D knows the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow (African *AND* European).

57. Onions do not make The D cry. The D makes onions crap themselves.

58. If you haven't seen Alien vs. Predator yet, don't bother, The D wins.

59. The D was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

60. The D can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

61. The D was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.

62. On a high school math test, The D put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because The D solves all his problems with Violence.

63. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to The D and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

64. The D doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

65. The D does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

66. The D invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

67. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be The D.

68. Crop circles are The D's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down and shut the fuck up!.

69. The D does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. The D goes killing.

70. The D does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction.

71. There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because The D is going to walk.

72. When The D enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

73. The only time The D was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

74. The D has the heart of a child. He keeps it in a small box.

75. The word "lesbian" derives from an old Latin phrase that roughly translates as "She who has not yet been introduced to The D."

76. Superman owns a pair of The D pajamas.

77. The movie Ray is loosely based on the life of The D, only they substituted piano playing for eating toddlers, and blindness for the ability to fly.

78. What scientists thought was natural selection is actually only the continued survival of animals The D has found too chewy to eat.

79. When The D gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

80. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped The D's house one Christmas.

81. The D has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.

82. Weeping Willows are a result of The D yelling at trees for not being tough enough.

83. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when The D punched himself in the face.

84. The D can watch a season of "24" in just three hours.

85. The D is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right fist.

86. The D became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.

87. The D's dog is trained to pick up his own poop because The D will not take crap from anyone.

88. The D sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.

89. The D can predict the shuffle on his iPod.

90. The D used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

91. The D is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.

92. The D doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.

93. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: The D was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.

94. The D can kill two stones with one bird.

95. The D can tie his shoes with his feet.

96. The D is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.

97. The D can make a paraplegic run for his life.

98. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures The D allows to live.

99. When The D gets pulled over he lets the cop off with a warning.

100. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless The D has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Weekend Review

Friday Night

Friday night was the rehearsal dinner, usually held at the place where the couple is getting married but this couple decided to be difficult and have it at someone’s house. I was home by eleven. So I basically went there for the free dinner and some free booze, which I could not even have a lot of because I had to drive home.

During the actual rehearsal of the wedding the other usher and I were standing around looking at all of the people (chicks) and we came to the decision that there were absolutely no single hot chicks in attendance. Now don’t get me wrong there were hot chicks, but I am looking for SINGLE hot chicks. But this was known before hand as I stated in last Fridays post. So the wedding was looking pretty bleak as far as the woman situation was concerned.

Saturday Night

Woke up about 8:00 had breakfast (honey nut cheerio’s, the best breakfast ever!!), watched some television. A friend called and asked to borrow my power washer, which I borrowed from my brother the lawyer, I agreed and he came and picked it up. He said he would be at my house about 10:00 to the 10:15. He gets there at 10:30 (not surprisingly). Now, I don’t have time to give him instruction about the power washer because I have to be at the reception hall at 10:30 to help unload the booze for the wedding. I just give him the abbreviated version.

The D: “Gas there” (pointing)
The D: “Oil there” (pointing)
The D: “Start pull here”

You know the basic shit, which he of course knew how to do all of that but I just like fucking with people like that.

So he left and I went up The Loretto to help unload the truck of about 30 cases of beer and a bunch of wine. Now, at this time I am staring to get a little concerned because I have not seen any hard liquor like bourbon, rum, whiskey, vodka, of any kind, not to mention any good shit. So I find the groom and say:

“Hey Chief, (that is what I call people if I’m pissed off) where is all the good hooch?”

His reply, “What do you mean ass-face?”
The D: “Where’s all the hard liquor, there was none in the truck, you douche bag?”
Him: “I have to pay for that shit out of my pocket so we did not get any, and you don’t need you fucking lush!”

Now I was just about to start giving him all kinds of shit when I realized that it was his wedding day and if he did not want any good booze at it then that was his purgative. (it’s a stupid idea if you ask me, but whatever).

After bitching about that for about an hour I went home and cut my lawn. It only takes about 1 hour for me to cut (and bag), trim, and blow off the drive way and sidewalks so I still had time for a quick nap before I had to get ready for the nupuals.

When I got back to the wedding place we had to get ready for the pictures, so we all started drinking the beer which I had bought and put on ice a few hours earlier. We all had a few beers in us when the pictures finally started. We took all of the standard pictures and had a few laughs at the groom’s expense.

Once the bridal party was finally ready we all went outside for more pictures. I was an usher so I did not have to be in most of the pictures. So I was standing next to the photographer making smart ass comments and just basically fucking with him. As He was talking the pictures I found out that he also took bood-wa (its French for naked pictures I don’t know how to spell it and neither does spell check) photos. (At least that is what I thought he said) and I said “Do you mean to tell me you also take pictures of naked girls". He looked me dead in the eye and said “Dam straight I do”. I then thought holy shit I am talking to a pornographer, just like Larry Flint. I then informed the bride that he was a pornographer and she said “So fucking what, shut the fuck up dick weed! I have other thinks to worry about”. She was not impressed with my sleuthing. Feeling unappreciated I went and shot-gunned a couple of beers.

After the pictures the other usher and I took our post and waited for the crowd to start gathering. I was also in full chick scoping mode. And just as I suspected there were no hot chicks what-so-ever. Needless to say I was very disappointed. But I fought thought it and had a good time showing the people to there seats.

The service was really nice, and by nice I mean it was only about 15 minuets long and then we could get back to drinking.

The reception was also in the same place just down a hallway in a much larger room than the chapel. The dinner was served buffet style and it went off without a hitch.

The entire reception was pretty good until it was time for the bride to toss her bouquet. Now this is when I start to get nervous, because as we all know right after the bouquet toss is the garter toss, so I start to look for a place to hide so I won’t have to go thought the crushing embarrassment of being the only adult out on the dance floor for the garter toss. But my plan to hide on the toilet and tell everyone that I had violent diarrhea back fired (pardon the pun) because I knew the D.J. and he called me out saying that the whole reception would stop until I got off the toilet. I my first thought after hearing that was to kill the D.J. by shoving the microphone up his ass and pulling out his mouth. But there would be too many witnesses so I decided to put that idea on the back burner. When they finally pulled me out of the bathroom kicking, and screaming, like a child that does not want to go to the barber for his first haircut. I stood in the back of everyone and just barely on the dance floor. Well it’s just my luck that when he finally let the garter go it flew right to me, terror then shot through my body like a lighting bold from the God Zeus himself, as the “elastic ring of death” slowly made its way in slow motion I think I almost actually shit myself. Standing there petrified I let the “your next curse” hit the wall behind me and only inches from my head. As the dance floor cleared it occurred to me that if I just let it lay there then the bride might start to feel bad because no one wanted her garter. So I swallowed my pride and ignored my inner voice that is screaming at me “RUN YOU DUMB SHIT RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!” I knelt down and picked up the garter. Yea, I got the garter I thought, now I know how those sorry fuckers feel when they win only one or two dollars in the power ball, big fucking deal! La-tee-freaking da! Then I had to put on a smile and take more pictures with the bride, groom and the lady that caught the bouquet. The rest of the reception was pretty uneventful but fun. I got to catch up with a few of my old buddies from high school which was fun and a ball of laughs.

Sunday

I woke up with a bitch of a hangover. Because when the reception was over at midnight I was not ready to stop parting. All my buddies were ready to go to Westport but their wives had other plans, like going home. I said “nuts to that” and, I walked home, changed my clothes and went to the Twin Cities Tavern on 43rd and State Line, and commenced to get really shit-faced. Then I assume that I walked back home some time after last call.

On Sunday afternoon I met a friends wife at the tux shop, she had my power washer in her car because her old man was too busy painting their house to get it to me himself. Then I went home and sat on the cough and watched television the rest of the day.

That’s it from here, up next the preview of this Saturday’s Crawl for Cancer VIII where we get fucked up and smoke cigarettes all to raise money for cancer research.

TTFN