The D Rules!!: The D, Pub Crawl, Random News and Thoughts

100 Facts That You Didn't Know About The D

1. The D doesn't have to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Tall buildings duck under The D.

2. The D can delete the Recycling Bin.

3. When The D goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

4. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but The D says its beef, then it's beef.

5. Whenever The D plays Chutes and Ladders, he treats the chutes as ladders, because he's not some sissy who can't climb up a plastic slide.

6. When The D deletes files from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.

7. The D can slam revolving doors.

8. Once a cobra bit The D's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

9.The D can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.

10. Giraffes were created when The D uppercut a horse.

11. The D is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.

12. The D was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

13. On his birthday, The D randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

14. The D can speak braille.

15. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for The D.

16. The D once stated that he "doesn't wail on sissy boys." This led to the pink polo shirts with popped collars craze. Little do those pitiful fools know that The D was just making it easier to find sissy boys to wail on.

17. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. The D can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.

18. The D doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

19. The D does not sleep. He waits.

20. The D once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

21. World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, The D ate Kobayashi.

22. If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear The D laughing at you.

23. The D died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

24. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects The D could use to kill you, including the room itself.

25. The D sleeps with a night light. Not because The D is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of The D.

26. The D is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

27. The D's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools The D.

28. The D always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.

29. The D is the only one who can "try this at home."

30. The D beat a wall at tennis. Yes. A WALL.

31. The D's blood type is WD-40.

32. If The D wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.

33. The D played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

34. The last man who made eye contact with The D was Ray Charles.

35. The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that The D's basement was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.

36. You are what you eat. That is why The D's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

37. The D owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

38. Circles exist because The D beat the crap out of some squares.

39. The D had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow, and anywhere The D went the lamb was sure to go. So he killed it.

40. The D was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

41. The D invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.

42. Getting murdered by The D counts as a natural cause of death.

43. When The D plays any video game, God mode automatically turns on.

44. The D destroyed the periodic table, saying The D only recognizes the element of surprise.

45. The D puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

46. The D counted to infinity - twice.

47. The D can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

48. Only once has The D ever cried. The only survivors were a bunch of animals and some dude named Noah.

49. The popular video game "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from The D and forgot to pay him back.

50. The D's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.

51. The D and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.

52. The D once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

53. The D irons his shirts while he's wearing them.

54. The D once got caught doing 100 in a 50 zone. The cop did give him a speeding ticket, however The D still pleads his innocence to this day, stating that he was simply out for a morning jog.

55. The D wears a cup not to protect himself, but to protect the players on the other team.

56. The D knows the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow (African *AND* European).

57. Onions do not make The D cry. The D makes onions crap themselves.

58. If you haven't seen Alien vs. Predator yet, don't bother, The D wins.

59. The D was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

60. The D can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

61. The D was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.

62. On a high school math test, The D put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because The D solves all his problems with Violence.

63. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to The D and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

64. The D doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

65. The D does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

66. The D invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

67. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be The D.

68. Crop circles are The D's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down and shut the fuck up!.

69. The D does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. The D goes killing.

70. The D does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction.

71. There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because The D is going to walk.

72. When The D enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

73. The only time The D was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

74. The D has the heart of a child. He keeps it in a small box.

75. The word "lesbian" derives from an old Latin phrase that roughly translates as "She who has not yet been introduced to The D."

76. Superman owns a pair of The D pajamas.

77. The movie Ray is loosely based on the life of The D, only they substituted piano playing for eating toddlers, and blindness for the ability to fly.

78. What scientists thought was natural selection is actually only the continued survival of animals The D has found too chewy to eat.

79. When The D gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

80. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped The D's house one Christmas.

81. The D has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.

82. Weeping Willows are a result of The D yelling at trees for not being tough enough.

83. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when The D punched himself in the face.

84. The D can watch a season of "24" in just three hours.

85. The D is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right fist.

86. The D became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.

87. The D's dog is trained to pick up his own poop because The D will not take crap from anyone.

88. The D sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.

89. The D can predict the shuffle on his iPod.

90. The D used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

91. The D is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.

92. The D doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.

93. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: The D was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.

94. The D can kill two stones with one bird.

95. The D can tie his shoes with his feet.

96. The D is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.

97. The D can make a paraplegic run for his life.

98. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures The D allows to live.

99. When The D gets pulled over he lets the cop off with a warning.

100. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless The D has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Friday, April 28, 2006

The D, Pub Crawl, Random News and Thoughts

Why “The D”

The D is a nickname of mine a friend thought up a couple of years ago. He was in the Army and I was in the Marine Corps. We were discussing why the Marine Corps was so much better than the Army. And he just thunk it up. My real first name deigns with the letter D, but I also have a couple of friends that who’s name start with the letter D. So when ever someone said “Hey D, What’s up?” We would all look and answer like the good little catholic boys we were brought up to be. So think of it like this, Mohammad Ali was not just “A” Champion of the world in his day he was “THE” Champion of the world. I am not just a “D” I am “THE D” Get it? Got it? Good! Now that is cleared up you can now get your mind out of the gutters and your fingers out of each others noses.

And why “Why the Deuce?”

I just like saying it. I say it in stead of thing like “what the fuck, Holy Shit, and Hu? I started it after getting yelled at for saying some think like that in front of my sisters’ kids. Now they scream “WHAT THE DEUCE?” And I giggle my fucking ass off.

Pub Crawl Preview

Amazingly, I actually have plans for this weekend. I usually don’t even start planning my weekend until Friday afternoon some time after 3 o’clock. But these plans are special. I am going on the Crawl for Cancer VIII. I have been on this pub crawl before and it is really a lost of fun. I mean how can something where you can, drink all you want, hit my favorite bars, sit outside and get wasted during the day, enjoy a sanctioned (by whom I don’t know and don’t care) drinking game, hit on the hot chicks that are wearing the same shirt as you. Plus you get a free t-shirt. Did you hear that? I said a FREE T-SHIRT! It is going to be awesome!

I am doing with a bunch of girls that I know that work for a local communications company in their fitness center (Did I just give away their employer? Oh well fuck it.) Anyway I will know some of them but some I will not know so it should be fun.

The one draw back is that I will get to see how dirty those bars are during the day but I don’t plan on sleeping on those floors, just falling on them.

Because I am going on this pub crawl on Saturday and it will obviously be an all day and all night affair. I will not get my grass cut this weekend. I need a volunteer to mow my lawn sometime this weekend, anyone, you with your finger up your nose, How about it? No? Then go fuck yourself.

Random Stuff

The Hurricane is DEAD!

First the Grand Emporium goes queer, now the Hurricane is turning queer. Everyone knows that the only people that go to the GE now, since is has been redone a few years ago are queers and Fag Hags, and out of town coke heads. Plus these are the only people in town that will pay 8 bucks for a Bacardi and coke. I am glad those fuckers will but sure as fuck ain’t.

Will the Village West get a Coyote Ugly

I sure a shit hope so, I mean they already have a Hooters, Independence has a Show-Me’s which the same has Hooters but with sammiches. Plus they all have the same thing in common. Shitty food and hot bitchy 18 year olds that get me a beer when I want. Awesome!

What the Royals Suck?

Why didn’t any one tell me! The Royals were mathematically eliminated (just about) after last night loss the Minnesota twins. They will never have a winning season because the have a shit-head of an owner that had no desire to field a winning team.

So here is the plan send me all of your money and I will buy the team from David Ass. Because I hate to lose we will have a winning team in no time. Plus I don’t know shit about running a baseball team but I have at least played the sport so I am defiantly more qualified that those ass-fucks that are in charge of it now.

This is what the coaches should teach the players.

Seriously, why do I find out about these things after they are done?

As you may of may not know I am a former Marine that served in The Gulf war and Somalia. So I take these things very seriously. These people should have built this a long time ago.

Chiefs Cheerleaders Announced, Erection’s Everywhere!
Now check out the Brigade Cheerleaders. Be sure you click on each and every one of them so you can get to know them before stalking them.
Let me know what you think. I will refrain from commenting.

After while crocodile