The D Rules!!: May Day, Pub Crawl, Whatevers, Work

100 Facts That You Didn't Know About The D

1. The D doesn't have to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Tall buildings duck under The D.

2. The D can delete the Recycling Bin.

3. When The D goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

4. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but The D says its beef, then it's beef.

5. Whenever The D plays Chutes and Ladders, he treats the chutes as ladders, because he's not some sissy who can't climb up a plastic slide.

6. When The D deletes files from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.

7. The D can slam revolving doors.

8. Once a cobra bit The D's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

9.The D can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.

10. Giraffes were created when The D uppercut a horse.

11. The D is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.

12. The D was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

13. On his birthday, The D randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

14. The D can speak braille.

15. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for The D.

16. The D once stated that he "doesn't wail on sissy boys." This led to the pink polo shirts with popped collars craze. Little do those pitiful fools know that The D was just making it easier to find sissy boys to wail on.

17. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. The D can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.

18. The D doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

19. The D does not sleep. He waits.

20. The D once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

21. World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, The D ate Kobayashi.

22. If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear The D laughing at you.

23. The D died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

24. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects The D could use to kill you, including the room itself.

25. The D sleeps with a night light. Not because The D is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of The D.

26. The D is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

27. The D's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools The D.

28. The D always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.

29. The D is the only one who can "try this at home."

30. The D beat a wall at tennis. Yes. A WALL.

31. The D's blood type is WD-40.

32. If The D wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.

33. The D played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

34. The last man who made eye contact with The D was Ray Charles.

35. The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that The D's basement was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.

36. You are what you eat. That is why The D's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

37. The D owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

38. Circles exist because The D beat the crap out of some squares.

39. The D had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow, and anywhere The D went the lamb was sure to go. So he killed it.

40. The D was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

41. The D invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.

42. Getting murdered by The D counts as a natural cause of death.

43. When The D plays any video game, God mode automatically turns on.

44. The D destroyed the periodic table, saying The D only recognizes the element of surprise.

45. The D puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

46. The D counted to infinity - twice.

47. The D can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

48. Only once has The D ever cried. The only survivors were a bunch of animals and some dude named Noah.

49. The popular video game "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from The D and forgot to pay him back.

50. The D's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.

51. The D and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.

52. The D once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

53. The D irons his shirts while he's wearing them.

54. The D once got caught doing 100 in a 50 zone. The cop did give him a speeding ticket, however The D still pleads his innocence to this day, stating that he was simply out for a morning jog.

55. The D wears a cup not to protect himself, but to protect the players on the other team.

56. The D knows the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow (African *AND* European).

57. Onions do not make The D cry. The D makes onions crap themselves.

58. If you haven't seen Alien vs. Predator yet, don't bother, The D wins.

59. The D was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

60. The D can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

61. The D was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.

62. On a high school math test, The D put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because The D solves all his problems with Violence.

63. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to The D and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

64. The D doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

65. The D does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

66. The D invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

67. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be The D.

68. Crop circles are The D's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down and shut the fuck up!.

69. The D does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. The D goes killing.

70. The D does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction.

71. There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because The D is going to walk.

72. When The D enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

73. The only time The D was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

74. The D has the heart of a child. He keeps it in a small box.

75. The word "lesbian" derives from an old Latin phrase that roughly translates as "She who has not yet been introduced to The D."

76. Superman owns a pair of The D pajamas.

77. The movie Ray is loosely based on the life of The D, only they substituted piano playing for eating toddlers, and blindness for the ability to fly.

78. What scientists thought was natural selection is actually only the continued survival of animals The D has found too chewy to eat.

79. When The D gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

80. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped The D's house one Christmas.

81. The D has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.

82. Weeping Willows are a result of The D yelling at trees for not being tough enough.

83. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when The D punched himself in the face.

84. The D can watch a season of "24" in just three hours.

85. The D is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right fist.

86. The D became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.

87. The D's dog is trained to pick up his own poop because The D will not take crap from anyone.

88. The D sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.

89. The D can predict the shuffle on his iPod.

90. The D used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

91. The D is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.

92. The D doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.

93. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: The D was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.

94. The D can kill two stones with one bird.

95. The D can tie his shoes with his feet.

96. The D is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.

97. The D can make a paraplegic run for his life.

98. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures The D allows to live.

99. When The D gets pulled over he lets the cop off with a warning.

100. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless The D has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

May Day, Pub Crawl, Whatevers, Work

May Day

Greetings! I hope everyone had a good weekend. Mine was pretty good, thanks for asking. Before, I get into the pub crawl and all of the shenanigans that was part of that fiasco. I thought I would say something about the May Day Holiday and what it means to me. First it means nothing to me, today is Monday and I am still a little hung-over (or is it hanged-over, whatever) from Saturdays festivities.

I would also like to apologize for the spelling and grammar errors on Fridays post. I will just have to do a better job of proof reading my post before submitting them. Not to mention that just the subject matter that I chose for some of these posts, will make me sound like a complete buffoon. I don't need any moronic 6th grade English errors making me sound even dumber than I already am. Anyway, I found the entire post hard to read after I read it this morning. Please forgive me, I will improve over time. But just in case I don't get any better remember, I flunked kindergarten.

Crawl For Cancer VIII

I was supposed to be at the Westport Beach Club at 1:00 but I was running late for no reason what-so-ever (actually I had a very good reason but I am not telling you. I have to have some secrets). But I was only like 5 or minutes late so it was no big deal. I greeted all the girls that I knew with hugs and kisses and shook all the dudes hands.

The reason for the hugs is actually too fold. One is just so I can feel their boobies. Second, so they can smell my cologne and they can immediately complement me on how good I smell. Or kick me in the crotch if they are offended by my stench, but that rarely happens (but it has happen). Also it is because I have known some of these girls for 10 years of longer and I like to party with them, they are kick ass chicks.

The ones I did not know I was introduced to them by the captain of the team. I was handed my tee shirt put it on and then it was on like Donkey Kong. Our team had about 6 girls and 4 guys but I knew the girls could put a way their share of beer. We had to drink 2 pitchers of beer at each bar.

The bars that were on our list were Buzzard Beach, Beaumont Club, a shuttle buss was provided to The Levee, and a tent with a band that was set up across the street from the Beaumont Club. After we hit all those bars we went back to the Beaumont Club for the after party and even more free beer. I have never seen that place so packed in my life. I dont know how many people that place holds but I am sure it was up to capacity or over capacity. If I had to but a number on it then I would have to guess about 500 to 1000 people were packed in there. Everyone was wearing tee shirts with the same design on them but the only way too tell the teams apart was the different colors of there tee shirts. The after party lasted until about 5:00 and we were pretty blitzed by then, mostly because we had not eaten all day.

After they stopped giving away beer we went down to Kellys I must have been really wasted because at one point during the night I think I saw one of my girlfriends making out with another woman, just the thought of it is giving me a stiffy so I will not elaborate, anyway she denied it but I know what I saw. I should get a camera phone for just those types of occurrences.

We finally called it a night at what we thought was 1 or 2 in the morning but it was only 9 in the evening. That is a common feeling when I start drinking at 1 on the afternoon. About 4 of us got in a cab for a ride to my house, after we stopped at the store for burritos and diet coke, not to mention the 6 slices of pizza from Torres Pizza truck that is always parked in Westport. So we got back to my house and chowed down. It was awesome! Then the next thing I knew it was 2:45 in the morning and everyone was passed out on the couches or the floor of my living room.

On Sunday I woke up about noon to an empty house. Which is kind of a blessing and just plain rude. It is a blessing because they did not wake me up when they left, or whenever they were kidnapped by aliens. Which can totally fucking happen. It can also be a blessing because I always think that someone has stolen something from me. It also means that I have to walk down to my car, or call someone to pick me up and take me to my car or call a cab for myself.

That was the pub crawl everyone should consider going on this it a really good time, good beer, LOTS of chicks, plus it is for a good cause. So I expect to see you there next time, which will be in the fall.

Whatevers

The Quicktrip at 43rd and Rainbow is now closed. It closed last Friday. I am really sad because that place was the only store that was with in walking distance from my house. I mean it was literally a 5 minute round trip. Plus it had sentinental value because I had my car stolen from there one morning when I was on my way to work. So that sucks, and I really need to be held right now.

Work

We had a meeting today at work regarding how far behind we are with catching up on the backlog of projects. The bosses have authorized overtime until we catch up, so now its 10 hour days until the end of time. Which will or will not effect now often I post. Or I could just post a bunch of small stuff instead of one long post. I have now yet decided.

Until next time,
Later Days