100 Facts That You Didn't Know About The D

1. The D doesn't have to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Tall buildings duck under The D.

2. The D can delete the Recycling Bin.

3. When The D goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

4. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but The D says its beef, then it's beef.

5. Whenever The D plays Chutes and Ladders, he treats the chutes as ladders, because he's not some sissy who can't climb up a plastic slide.

6. When The D deletes files from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.

7. The D can slam revolving doors.

8. Once a cobra bit The D's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

9.The D can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.

10. Giraffes were created when The D uppercut a horse.

11. The D is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.

12. The D was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

13. On his birthday, The D randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

14. The D can speak braille.

15. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for The D.

16. The D once stated that he "doesn't wail on sissy boys." This led to the pink polo shirts with popped collars craze. Little do those pitiful fools know that The D was just making it easier to find sissy boys to wail on.

17. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. The D can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.

18. The D doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

19. The D does not sleep. He waits.

20. The D once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

21. World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, The D ate Kobayashi.

22. If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear The D laughing at you.

23. The D died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

24. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects The D could use to kill you, including the room itself.

25. The D sleeps with a night light. Not because The D is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of The D.

26. The D is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

27. The D's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools The D.

28. The D always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.

29. The D is the only one who can "try this at home."

30. The D beat a wall at tennis. Yes. A WALL.

31. The D's blood type is WD-40.

32. If The D wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.

33. The D played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

34. The last man who made eye contact with The D was Ray Charles.

35. The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that The D's basement was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.

36. You are what you eat. That is why The D's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

37. The D owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

38. Circles exist because The D beat the crap out of some squares.

39. The D had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow, and anywhere The D went the lamb was sure to go. So he killed it.

40. The D was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

41. The D invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.

42. Getting murdered by The D counts as a natural cause of death.

43. When The D plays any video game, God mode automatically turns on.

44. The D destroyed the periodic table, saying The D only recognizes the element of surprise.

45. The D puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

46. The D counted to infinity - twice.

47. The D can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

48. Only once has The D ever cried. The only survivors were a bunch of animals and some dude named Noah.

49. The popular video game "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from The D and forgot to pay him back.

50. The D's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.

51. The D and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.

52. The D once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

53. The D irons his shirts while he's wearing them.

54. The D once got caught doing 100 in a 50 zone. The cop did give him a speeding ticket, however The D still pleads his innocence to this day, stating that he was simply out for a morning jog.

55. The D wears a cup not to protect himself, but to protect the players on the other team.

56. The D knows the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow (African *AND* European).

57. Onions do not make The D cry. The D makes onions crap themselves.

58. If you haven't seen Alien vs. Predator yet, don't bother, The D wins.

59. The D was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

60. The D can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

61. The D was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.

62. On a high school math test, The D put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because The D solves all his problems with Violence.

63. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to The D and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

64. The D doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

65. The D does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

66. The D invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

67. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be The D.

68. Crop circles are The D's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down and shut the fuck up!.

69. The D does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. The D goes killing.

70. The D does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction.

71. There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because The D is going to walk.

72. When The D enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

73. The only time The D was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

74. The D has the heart of a child. He keeps it in a small box.

75. The word "lesbian" derives from an old Latin phrase that roughly translates as "She who has not yet been introduced to The D."

76. Superman owns a pair of The D pajamas.

77. The movie Ray is loosely based on the life of The D, only they substituted piano playing for eating toddlers, and blindness for the ability to fly.

78. What scientists thought was natural selection is actually only the continued survival of animals The D has found too chewy to eat.

79. When The D gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

80. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped The D's house one Christmas.

81. The D has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.

82. Weeping Willows are a result of The D yelling at trees for not being tough enough.

83. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when The D punched himself in the face.

84. The D can watch a season of "24" in just three hours.

85. The D is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right fist.

86. The D became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.

87. The D's dog is trained to pick up his own poop because The D will not take crap from anyone.

88. The D sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.

89. The D can predict the shuffle on his iPod.

90. The D used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

91. The D is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.

92. The D doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.

93. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: The D was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.

94. The D can kill two stones with one bird.

95. The D can tie his shoes with his feet.

96. The D is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.

97. The D can make a paraplegic run for his life.

98. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures The D allows to live.

99. When The D gets pulled over he lets the cop off with a warning.

100. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless The D has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

The D vs The Sidewalk: THE SHOWDOWN

Howdy! Are you in as much pain as I am right now ‘cause if you are we should throw ourselves a pity party and give each other King size Snickers and Wild Turkey.

What? You have no idea what I'm talking about? Oh yea, I forgot to tell you about my latest trip because I am DELIRIOUS WITH PAIN!

As I tell you the story of my latest debacle I may get off the subject. I think that is understandable because I either keep passing out, or I have to stop the story and cry just a little bit. BECAUSE OF THE EXCRUCIATING PAIN THAT I AM ENDURING!!!

I was out running 8 miles last night with about 1.5 miles or so remaining, I was going downhill, totally exhausted but still running as best I could. I was heading north on the Missouri side of Stateline Road running past Westwood Park, when I tripped and fell…hard!

On the way down the first thing that I thought as I was airborne, and headed for the rock hard sidewalk, might have been "Nothing good can come of this" or maybe it was "This is gonna leave a mark" or come to think of it, it was probably "FFFFFFFUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!" I landed on my right shoulder, with a thud, (if I was still fat it would have been SLAT!), a bonk, (that would be my SKULL hitting the ground). Luckily my SKULL apparently bounces (because it’s full of hot air, Hay-O!), and a SREACH, he sliding across about 2 or 3 WHOLE SLABS OF PORTLAND CEMENT. As I slid on the concrete it ripped the sleeve off my favorite running shirt. But that is not big deal I can get another one from my company.

After the shirt sleeve ripped off, after only sliding about half a slab of concrete the realization that my skin was going to be next then set in, and I tried to prepare for the rush of absolutely INSUFFERARABLE pain to come racing toward my gray matter.Before I began the SLIDE of DEATH my head hit the concrete and I think I passed out for a bit. But because I'm a former Marine and tough as nails, I just took it like a man, and started to cry a little bit, once I sat up writhing in pain. When I was finished sliding across the concrete which was about as smooth as the Hima-fuckin’-layas! I sat up grabbing my shoulder and just hoping it would not fall off. (Because then I would have to beat someone with the bloody end of my arm, and there was no one around. So that means I would have to beat myself again. Wait, what did I just say?)

While sitting there holding my shoulder and wishing I had another left arm to hold on to the piece of skin that I thought was dangling over my right eye. Thankfully that wasn’t the case somehow my shirt tail came up over my head. I remember thinking "Man, that was one fucked up trip and I wasn't even high. I hope someone caught that on video". Then I remembered that I wasn’t a celebrity (because I'm too good looking (and AWESOME) for those slackers, Clooney who?) and don't have the paparazzi following me everywhere I go. Fo-shizzle!

The worst part is that I think I really jacked up my shoulder/neck/collar bone/skull area. I don't any thing’s broken because I have full mobility in my neck and shoulder. Btw, can everyone else move part of their skull while the rest stays in place while hearing a grinding noise? Cause I apparently can, NOW! My shoulder hurts like a MO-FO and the edges of the road rash are already turning black and blue.

The pain is EXCRUCIATING!!! People!!! You don't even understand!! You cannot comprehend that amount of suffering I am enduring. (What's with all the big words in this paragraph?) I'd take pictures but I can't find my camera i.e. it's not right in front of me, and I'm in no mood to look for it.

My right arm is in too much pain to even move. But I can move it which tells me it's not broken or dislocated.

Because, as you know, I'm an orth-fuckin-opedic doctor and shit! And I can examine myself thankyouverymuch. Besides, I know how to perform a self diagnosis on my own bone(s).

Luckily I don’t have any road rash or scratches to my face or head. Because all I have is my good looks (shut your face!) and we all know that ain’t much. I would really be mad if my face had a nice case of road rash, I would end up looking like some burn victim or a child that grew up near Chernobyl.

The good news of this story (like anything good can come of this) is that after my last brush with death I went out and bought a fully stocked ambulance full of first aid supplies which I keep parked in my garage. I don’t even know what half this stuff is for.
So I got to break that puppy out, which I was pretty excited about once I walked the final 1.5 miles home with blood running down my arm and dripping on the sidewalk.

After I cleaned the wound, which looks like your standard road rash. I how have a nice new kick ass bandage on my shoulder that is about the side of Mon-fuckin’-tana, and the most awesome headache ever.

I'm gonna need some of you single hot chicks to come over and take care of me. Talk amongst yourselves and set up a schedule.

How was your Columbus Day? Glad somebody had a good time.

Can you believe I just typed this whole post with my one good arm? And to make that feat even more amazing I did it with my left hand, I'm right handed.

FYI: Inserting "Fuckin'" into the middle of words is now my new thing. I called it!

Thanks for reading and try to have a painless day will ya?