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100 Facts That You Didn't Know About The D

1. The D doesn't have to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Tall buildings duck under The D.

2. The D can delete the Recycling Bin.

3. When The D goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

4. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but The D says its beef, then it's beef.

5. Whenever The D plays Chutes and Ladders, he treats the chutes as ladders, because he's not some sissy who can't climb up a plastic slide.

6. When The D deletes files from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.

7. The D can slam revolving doors.

8. Once a cobra bit The D's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

9.The D can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.

10. Giraffes were created when The D uppercut a horse.

11. The D is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.

12. The D was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

13. On his birthday, The D randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

14. The D can speak braille.

15. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for The D.

16. The D once stated that he "doesn't wail on sissy boys." This led to the pink polo shirts with popped collars craze. Little do those pitiful fools know that The D was just making it easier to find sissy boys to wail on.

17. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. The D can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.

18. The D doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

19. The D does not sleep. He waits.

20. The D once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

21. World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, The D ate Kobayashi.

22. If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear The D laughing at you.

23. The D died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

24. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects The D could use to kill you, including the room itself.

25. The D sleeps with a night light. Not because The D is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of The D.

26. The D is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

27. The D's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools The D.

28. The D always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.

29. The D is the only one who can "try this at home."

30. The D beat a wall at tennis. Yes. A WALL.

31. The D's blood type is WD-40.

32. If The D wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.

33. The D played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

34. The last man who made eye contact with The D was Ray Charles.

35. The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that The D's basement was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.

36. You are what you eat. That is why The D's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

37. The D owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

38. Circles exist because The D beat the crap out of some squares.

39. The D had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow, and anywhere The D went the lamb was sure to go. So he killed it.

40. The D was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

41. The D invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.

42. Getting murdered by The D counts as a natural cause of death.

43. When The D plays any video game, God mode automatically turns on.

44. The D destroyed the periodic table, saying The D only recognizes the element of surprise.

45. The D puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

46. The D counted to infinity - twice.

47. The D can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

48. Only once has The D ever cried. The only survivors were a bunch of animals and some dude named Noah.

49. The popular video game "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from The D and forgot to pay him back.

50. The D's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.

51. The D and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.

52. The D once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

53. The D irons his shirts while he's wearing them.

54. The D once got caught doing 100 in a 50 zone. The cop did give him a speeding ticket, however The D still pleads his innocence to this day, stating that he was simply out for a morning jog.

55. The D wears a cup not to protect himself, but to protect the players on the other team.

56. The D knows the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow (African *AND* European).

57. Onions do not make The D cry. The D makes onions crap themselves.

58. If you haven't seen Alien vs. Predator yet, don't bother, The D wins.

59. The D was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

60. The D can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

61. The D was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.

62. On a high school math test, The D put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because The D solves all his problems with Violence.

63. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to The D and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

64. The D doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

65. The D does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

66. The D invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

67. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be The D.

68. Crop circles are The D's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down and shut the fuck up!.

69. The D does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. The D goes killing.

70. The D does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction.

71. There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because The D is going to walk.

72. When The D enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

73. The only time The D was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

74. The D has the heart of a child. He keeps it in a small box.

75. The word "lesbian" derives from an old Latin phrase that roughly translates as "She who has not yet been introduced to The D."

76. Superman owns a pair of The D pajamas.

77. The movie Ray is loosely based on the life of The D, only they substituted piano playing for eating toddlers, and blindness for the ability to fly.

78. What scientists thought was natural selection is actually only the continued survival of animals The D has found too chewy to eat.

79. When The D gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

80. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped The D's house one Christmas.

81. The D has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.

82. Weeping Willows are a result of The D yelling at trees for not being tough enough.

83. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when The D punched himself in the face.

84. The D can watch a season of "24" in just three hours.

85. The D is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right fist.

86. The D became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.

87. The D's dog is trained to pick up his own poop because The D will not take crap from anyone.

88. The D sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.

89. The D can predict the shuffle on his iPod.

90. The D used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

91. The D is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.

92. The D doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.

93. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: The D was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.

94. The D can kill two stones with one bird.

95. The D can tie his shoes with his feet.

96. The D is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.

97. The D can make a paraplegic run for his life.

98. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures The D allows to live.

99. When The D gets pulled over he lets the cop off with a warning.

100. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless The D has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

The D vs The Car

I told ya'll back in the Birthday List post that it was only a matter of time before I get hit by a car when out on my evening runs didn't I? DIDN'T I?!?


Here are all the HORRIFIC details.


It's a classic Monday night in late August in Kansas City the temperature is just shy of that equal to the surface of the sun. The humidity makes the air thicker than granny's mashed taters (lumps of tater skin included). I'm out running on my usual four mile route, minding my own business. I'm running at a record pace, I finish the first half in record time. I'm on the second half of the route on my way back to the house. I'm heading west on 45th Street almost at the intersection of 45th and Madison. 45th is a 2 way Street that heads west to east. Madison is a 3 lane one way street heading north, towards Westport and points beyond.


This run is not like the other ones I've had lately. I've really been struggling on my previous runs for the past month or so. I attribute it to the heat and humidity, but this day it was just as humid and just as hot as those previous runs. But this run I was really feeling great! I was right in the middle of a Runners High. Zoned out, breathing is easy, pace is up, hard Rock is blasting from my Ipod. I didn't have to fight any wind, it was just great!


As I get to the intersection of 45th street and Madison I slow down and stop, I also stop my wristwatch. There's a car sitting at the intersection with a male driver, it's a small sports car like a Miata or some other P.O.S. car. He is coming from the east or up the hill and wanting to go north on to Madison, he has his left turn blinker on. His windows are up, much like everyone else's, with the a/c blasting cool arctic air into their cars. There's traffic coming up the hill on Madison and all 3 lanes are crowded with cars racing to get home or wherever people go at this time of the early evening. I am standing on the corner waiting for the traffic to clear. There's no crosswalk or lights at this intersection just stop signs for the traffic on 45th street.


After a few seconds the traffic begins to clear out. I look at the driver of the Miata he is looking at the oncoming traffic. I keep watching the driver, sweat pouring down my face just as if I was standing in the shower, wanting him to go or to give me some sort of signal that he sees me, or is at the very least is aware of my existence. As I wipe my face with the bottom on my tee shirt I think I see him give me the go head "wave". So I step out from the curb and begin running across the street. Then, as I am half way across the street I see, out of the corner of my eye that is asshole is gunning his car right after me! I can even hear the squeal of his front wheel drive crapper over the sonic rock that my Ipod is cranking out! I get about 2 more steps then have to dive for the curb with both arms stretched out as if I was sliding into third base head first with my arms stretched out. I have to dive about a whole lane in order to get to the safety of the sidewalk. As I land on the concrete of the sidewalk, and begin to roll my ipod falls off of my arm and flies into the gutter of 45th Street. I roll only once and land on my back. As I lay there, heart going a thousand beats a minuets, adrenaline coursing thought my veins. I think I hear this douche bag say "Next time be faster!" as he was speeding north on Madison.


I think "What? Are you fucking kidding me?" I think I'm in shock at this point. Did I just hear what I think I heard? No fucking way did that dude just yell at me? NO HE DIDIN'T!"


I stand up debating whether or not to race after this ass-clown and yank him from his car and beat him like a rented mule. I decide against such an action because I don't think I could get off with pleading self-defense. Plus I just ran 3 miles so I was kind of tired.


I'm shaking, I have to sit back down to collect myself. Holy fuck I think, I was almost run over by a car that weights about as much as I used to. But thanks to my cat (o.k. more like elephant) like reflexes he didn't hit me but I sure as hell know he can dam close.


I pick up my Ipod and walk the rest of the way home. I was too out of sorts to run back home. I just keep saying to myself WTF? WTF? WTF? I still can't believe that someone would intentionally try to run me over. What the hell did I do to this fucker?


I wasn't hurt but still kind of freaked out by the whole thing. Best of all my Ipod is totally fine.


People always tend to ask me why I make such a big deal of my birthday. The answer simple because shit like that can happen any time or anywhere. Just be glad you made it a whole other year and hope you make another whole year! Because when you stop celebrating your birthday then you're FUCKED!


North is at the top of your screen. The house with the red roof in the northeast corner is no longer there. that whole corner are now new condos. I was running from left to right. From Madison to Belleview is down hill in the direction I was running. I was standing at the north east corner.




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Scribbled down by "The D" Tango Charlie of this post 10:21 PM

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