100 Facts That You Didn't Know About The D

1. The D doesn't have to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Tall buildings duck under The D.

2. The D can delete the Recycling Bin.

3. When The D goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

4. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but The D says its beef, then it's beef.

5. Whenever The D plays Chutes and Ladders, he treats the chutes as ladders, because he's not some sissy who can't climb up a plastic slide.

6. When The D deletes files from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.

7. The D can slam revolving doors.

8. Once a cobra bit The D's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

9.The D can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.

10. Giraffes were created when The D uppercut a horse.

11. The D is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.

12. The D was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

13. On his birthday, The D randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

14. The D can speak braille.

15. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for The D.

16. The D once stated that he "doesn't wail on sissy boys." This led to the pink polo shirts with popped collars craze. Little do those pitiful fools know that The D was just making it easier to find sissy boys to wail on.

17. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. The D can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.

18. The D doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

19. The D does not sleep. He waits.

20. The D once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

21. World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, The D ate Kobayashi.

22. If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear The D laughing at you.

23. The D died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

24. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects The D could use to kill you, including the room itself.

25. The D sleeps with a night light. Not because The D is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of The D.

26. The D is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

27. The D's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools The D.

28. The D always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.

29. The D is the only one who can "try this at home."

30. The D beat a wall at tennis. Yes. A WALL.

31. The D's blood type is WD-40.

32. If The D wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.

33. The D played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

34. The last man who made eye contact with The D was Ray Charles.

35. The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that The D's basement was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.

36. You are what you eat. That is why The D's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

37. The D owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

38. Circles exist because The D beat the crap out of some squares.

39. The D had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow, and anywhere The D went the lamb was sure to go. So he killed it.

40. The D was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

41. The D invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.

42. Getting murdered by The D counts as a natural cause of death.

43. When The D plays any video game, God mode automatically turns on.

44. The D destroyed the periodic table, saying The D only recognizes the element of surprise.

45. The D puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

46. The D counted to infinity - twice.

47. The D can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

48. Only once has The D ever cried. The only survivors were a bunch of animals and some dude named Noah.

49. The popular video game "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from The D and forgot to pay him back.

50. The D's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.

51. The D and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.

52. The D once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

53. The D irons his shirts while he's wearing them.

54. The D once got caught doing 100 in a 50 zone. The cop did give him a speeding ticket, however The D still pleads his innocence to this day, stating that he was simply out for a morning jog.

55. The D wears a cup not to protect himself, but to protect the players on the other team.

56. The D knows the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow (African *AND* European).

57. Onions do not make The D cry. The D makes onions crap themselves.

58. If you haven't seen Alien vs. Predator yet, don't bother, The D wins.

59. The D was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

60. The D can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

61. The D was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.

62. On a high school math test, The D put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because The D solves all his problems with Violence.

63. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to The D and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

64. The D doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

65. The D does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

66. The D invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

67. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be The D.

68. Crop circles are The D's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down and shut the fuck up!.

69. The D does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. The D goes killing.

70. The D does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction.

71. There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because The D is going to walk.

72. When The D enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

73. The only time The D was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

74. The D has the heart of a child. He keeps it in a small box.

75. The word "lesbian" derives from an old Latin phrase that roughly translates as "She who has not yet been introduced to The D."

76. Superman owns a pair of The D pajamas.

77. The movie Ray is loosely based on the life of The D, only they substituted piano playing for eating toddlers, and blindness for the ability to fly.

78. What scientists thought was natural selection is actually only the continued survival of animals The D has found too chewy to eat.

79. When The D gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

80. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped The D's house one Christmas.

81. The D has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.

82. Weeping Willows are a result of The D yelling at trees for not being tough enough.

83. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when The D punched himself in the face.

84. The D can watch a season of "24" in just three hours.

85. The D is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right fist.

86. The D became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.

87. The D's dog is trained to pick up his own poop because The D will not take crap from anyone.

88. The D sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.

89. The D can predict the shuffle on his iPod.

90. The D used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

91. The D is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.

92. The D doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.

93. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: The D was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.

94. The D can kill two stones with one bird.

95. The D can tie his shoes with his feet.

96. The D is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.

97. The D can make a paraplegic run for his life.

98. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures The D allows to live.

99. When The D gets pulled over he lets the cop off with a warning.

100. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless The D has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Weekend Wrap Up , Random, Fitness

Friday night started out with a MAJOR CATASTROPHE. On the way home from work I stopped at the liquor (Liquor, I hardly knew her!) store for some tasty libations. I pick up some Boulevard Wheat for me and some Coors Light for my buddy Mr. Awesome. I get home, open the refrigerator and the light doesn't come on. "Well Crap" I think, the light bulb must be out. "No biggie," I think I'll just replace the light bulb tomorrow. I really don't need that light anyway. Why would I need it when the only thing I keep in there is beer, Diet Coke, and water? Then, after some further investigation I realize that all of the ice in the trays has melted. This is when the freak out begins. I have a 6 pack of Boulevard and a 12 pack of Coors Light to keep cold. I quickly think COOLER!! I have a couple of coolers. I call Mr. Awesome and tell him about the impending disaster. He agrees, this is a MAJOR CATASTROPHE, and says he will stop and get a couple bags of ice on his way to my house. I tell him that I'll have the coolers waiting. So, while he is on his way to my house I dig out one of my many coolers from the garage and some 409 cleaner to prepare the coolers for the ice and beer. Meanwhile the recently purchased beer is just sitting on the kitchen calendar warming up. I finish cleaning out the cooler just as Mr. Awesome arrives with the 2 bags of ice. He loads the cooler and I go back to investigating what the problem is with the refrigerator. First I check the fuse box. No problem there, all fuses are good too go. So I pull the refrigerator out from the wall to check out the plug. I find out that the refrigerator is plugged into some kind of energy saving contraption. I notice that there's a light on the gizmo but the light is not on. So I unplug the refrigerator from the thing-a-ma-gig (thingamagig, whaterva!) and plug it in to the wall. Open the door and the light is on and the motor in back is now running. FUCK YEA!! I fixed the mama-jama! Cancel the red alert, cancel the General Quarters, Stand down the battle stations! I have just averted one of the most dangerous catastrophes my house has ever experienced. It's a good thing too because I don't have the money to either fix or get a new fridge. We celebrate by opening (and drinking) our first of many beers for the night. I relish in my awesomeness for the next few minutes. Then I take a shower and we head out.

We decide to start at Paddy O'Quigleys in the Crossroads District near 20th and Grand. It was out first time there so we decide to hang out there just rappin' and catching up on the usual stuff. We then went to The Cashew across the street. Both are good bars. Paddies has a shit load of TV's and they have a back room that they have already rented out a few times for fantasy football draft parties. They run it in conjunction with the Herford House which is across Walnut from there. There were a lot of people at both bars but neither was as packed as the last time I was down there on First Fridays a few weeks ago. After that we went to Kelly's where we hassled a table full of girls that were out for a bachelorette party. Then we ended the night at The Twin.

Saturday I just sat around recovering. Saturday night I stayed in and watched Snakes on a Plane. WHAT A SHIT WHOLE OF A MOVIE! Who do I call to get the 2 hours of my life back for watching this movie? But it does have THE most horrific scene in a movie I have ever seen, NOT one of the most but THE MOST HORRIFIC scene EVER in the history of ALL MOVIES. (SPOILER ALERT!!) Just as the snakes start to bite everyone but before anyone knows it this dude is in the toilet pissing. Then a snake comes up from inside the bowl while he is pissing and bites him on his wang!!! I can't even begin to describe how horrible that scene was, let me just tell you that I will be checking ALL toilets and urinals for snakes the next time I use them, and forget about pissing outside no fuckin' way!

Sunday I FINALLY cut the grass. The grass was so long that while doing it I think I ran over a tiny Philippine village. But it still only took me about an hour or so. Then after surveying my awesomeness I decided that I deserved a reward, so I took a nap.


So now we are up to right now Sunday night. I'm watching the Pittsburg Steelers VS Philadelphia Eagles in High Def. Let me tell you how fuckin' AWESOME this is if it wasn't for this laptop giving me 3rd degree burns on my thighs and testicles then I would have a massive boner! It's that AWESOME PEOPLE!

Now that everyone is fully uncomfortable, and creeped out, lets' move on to some random thoughts.


This week, Wednesday the highlight will be a rules meeting at a bar in Lenexa regarding the fantasy football league that Reggie and I are in, this will be our 4th year in this league. This meeting is to discuss and propose any rule changes, pay our league fee, and pick the draft order. It also starts our weekly Wednesday night meetings which will continue for the next 4 months. The draft for this league is a week from Wednesday.


Saturday will mark the one year mark for the diet which means I have to get to the gym for the first time in 2 months for a weight in. I have not yet decided which night I will go, maybe later in the week like Thursday, or Friday. Hopefully, I will be below 170 pounds so I can say that I have officially lost over 80 lbs. I'll let ya know how that goes next week. I also have to get serious about training for the 2 half marathons that I'm doing in October (the 20th) and November (19th). My last 5K of the year is on Saturday the 8th in Overland Park.

And now that I can smell my scrotum being bar-be-que'd I will bid you all a good night and wish you all a happy week. Thanks for reading.