The D Rules!!: Tangible Results

100 Facts That You Didn't Know About The D

1. The D doesn't have to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Tall buildings duck under The D.

2. The D can delete the Recycling Bin.

3. When The D goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

4. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but The D says its beef, then it's beef.

5. Whenever The D plays Chutes and Ladders, he treats the chutes as ladders, because he's not some sissy who can't climb up a plastic slide.

6. When The D deletes files from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.

7. The D can slam revolving doors.

8. Once a cobra bit The D's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

9.The D can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.

10. Giraffes were created when The D uppercut a horse.

11. The D is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.

12. The D was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

13. On his birthday, The D randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

14. The D can speak braille.

15. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for The D.

16. The D once stated that he "doesn't wail on sissy boys." This led to the pink polo shirts with popped collars craze. Little do those pitiful fools know that The D was just making it easier to find sissy boys to wail on.

17. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. The D can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.

18. The D doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

19. The D does not sleep. He waits.

20. The D once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

21. World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, The D ate Kobayashi.

22. If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear The D laughing at you.

23. The D died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

24. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects The D could use to kill you, including the room itself.

25. The D sleeps with a night light. Not because The D is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of The D.

26. The D is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

27. The D's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools The D.

28. The D always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.

29. The D is the only one who can "try this at home."

30. The D beat a wall at tennis. Yes. A WALL.

31. The D's blood type is WD-40.

32. If The D wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.

33. The D played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

34. The last man who made eye contact with The D was Ray Charles.

35. The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that The D's basement was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.

36. You are what you eat. That is why The D's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

37. The D owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

38. Circles exist because The D beat the crap out of some squares.

39. The D had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow, and anywhere The D went the lamb was sure to go. So he killed it.

40. The D was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

41. The D invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.

42. Getting murdered by The D counts as a natural cause of death.

43. When The D plays any video game, God mode automatically turns on.

44. The D destroyed the periodic table, saying The D only recognizes the element of surprise.

45. The D puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

46. The D counted to infinity - twice.

47. The D can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

48. Only once has The D ever cried. The only survivors were a bunch of animals and some dude named Noah.

49. The popular video game "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from The D and forgot to pay him back.

50. The D's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.

51. The D and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.

52. The D once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

53. The D irons his shirts while he's wearing them.

54. The D once got caught doing 100 in a 50 zone. The cop did give him a speeding ticket, however The D still pleads his innocence to this day, stating that he was simply out for a morning jog.

55. The D wears a cup not to protect himself, but to protect the players on the other team.

56. The D knows the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow (African *AND* European).

57. Onions do not make The D cry. The D makes onions crap themselves.

58. If you haven't seen Alien vs. Predator yet, don't bother, The D wins.

59. The D was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

60. The D can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

61. The D was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.

62. On a high school math test, The D put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because The D solves all his problems with Violence.

63. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to The D and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

64. The D doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

65. The D does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

66. The D invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

67. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be The D.

68. Crop circles are The D's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down and shut the fuck up!.

69. The D does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. The D goes killing.

70. The D does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction.

71. There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because The D is going to walk.

72. When The D enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

73. The only time The D was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

74. The D has the heart of a child. He keeps it in a small box.

75. The word "lesbian" derives from an old Latin phrase that roughly translates as "She who has not yet been introduced to The D."

76. Superman owns a pair of The D pajamas.

77. The movie Ray is loosely based on the life of The D, only they substituted piano playing for eating toddlers, and blindness for the ability to fly.

78. What scientists thought was natural selection is actually only the continued survival of animals The D has found too chewy to eat.

79. When The D gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

80. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped The D's house one Christmas.

81. The D has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.

82. Weeping Willows are a result of The D yelling at trees for not being tough enough.

83. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when The D punched himself in the face.

84. The D can watch a season of "24" in just three hours.

85. The D is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right fist.

86. The D became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.

87. The D's dog is trained to pick up his own poop because The D will not take crap from anyone.

88. The D sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.

89. The D can predict the shuffle on his iPod.

90. The D used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

91. The D is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.

92. The D doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.

93. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: The D was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.

94. The D can kill two stones with one bird.

95. The D can tie his shoes with his feet.

96. The D is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.

97. The D can make a paraplegic run for his life.

98. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures The D allows to live.

99. When The D gets pulled over he lets the cop off with a warning.

100. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless The D has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Monday, March 19, 2007

Tangible Results

Howdy Folks!
I'm so excited I can't stand it!!
"Why are you so excited the D?"
"Why, thanks for asking, reader, I really appreciate the question".
Friday night I bought a new pair of jeans and a new digital camera. More on the camera later. Lets discuss the jeans first:

As you all know I have been on a diet since September 1st. I had not bought any new clothes because I knew that I would just keep losing weight and it didn't make much since to buy clothes because they would end up not fitting me in just a few months or even weeks. But I had to buy at least some new pants because the ones I currently wear are a 38" or 40" waist. Also my belts were not doing the job of keeping my pants up. (Your welcome for that mental picture)

I was starting to get a little anxious when I was deciding on what size to start off with, do I start with some 36's and work my way down getting more and more excited as I tried each size on? Or do I start low and get pissed because I could not fit in to the 32's or 33's?

I decide to start with the 34's they fit great! But still a little too lose for my taste. AWESOME! I say to myself and gave a little fist pump. (YES!!!) Feeling great now! Lets keep this going and go for the 33's. YES THEY FIT!! DOUBLE FIT PUMPS!!! (YES,YES!!!!) I haven't fit into 33's in more than 10 years! I'M TOTALLY freaking out!!! I can hardly keep my cool!! Dare, I go for the 32's? You bet your aunt Sally, I WENT FOR THE 32's. AND THEY FIT!!!! HOLY FUCKIN' SHIT NOW I AM REALLY FREAKIN' OUT!!! I have not wore 32's since high school!! (Class of '89 thankyouverymuch) I am putting myself into DEFCON 4!!!

I am standing in front of the mirror that is just outside of the dressing room looking at the new jeans that I have on, and almost literally shitting in my pants. But the 32's are tight and because I know they will shrink in the wash I go back to the 33's.

I put the 33's back on and stand in front of the mirror again and just stare at them. All I can think is YES, YES, YES!!! I don't know what to do... I want to call someone and just start freaking out. But all I do is stand there and begin to break down. I rush back to the seclusion of the dressing room, and totally lose it. And its not a good site. It was not one of the lame ass brake downs like when Old Yeller was shot. It was one for those break downs where I could not control it. My nose was running I couldn't breathe... I was shaking... I started to sweating... It was just terrible.

As I was paying for the jeans I just begin to laugh. And start talking to myself. I lean on the counter and just laugh and shake my head:
"Are you O.K?" asked the lady ringing me up.
"Yea I'm fine I just can't belive I can fit in those jeans" I say with a smile on my face.
"Why wouldn't you?"
"6 months ago I was 250 pounds I have lost 63 1/2 pounds in 6 1/2 months."
"WOW!! That's amazing!! Congratulations"
"Thanks"
"Would you like to touch me in an inappropriate way?" she asks
"Umm, No thanks" I say awkwardly.

I change the subject fast. I thought I better get a new belt while I was there. So I ask her to get me one.

No one know how hard I have to work to lose this weight. No one knows what I have to do to motivate myself to get to the gym 2 times a day. No one knows how sore I am after the workouts. I have done this all by myself through diet and exercise. No surgery, no crazy-ass diet plan, no pills. Nothing but hard work and determination. And I only have myself to thank and myself to blame when I don't make my goals. And that is how I want to do it.

In 6 1/2 months I have lost 63 1/2 pounds. And 7 inches off my waist. I was wearing 40 inch waist I am now wearing 33" waist. I used to wear XXXL or XXL tee shirts. I now wear XL tee-shirts.

As a reward to myself, I went across the street to the Best Buy and picked out a nifty little digital camera. 200 bucks and an extra memory card and I was on my way back home.
Here is a pick of my new and old belts. The old belt is on the right. The new belt is a 34"

I am not finished yet, but I am well past the half way mark. Even though I don't know what the final number will be I'm thinking maybe in the 160's. Even though I did not make my goal of 185 on Saturday morning I am still pretty pumped about 186 1/2 pounds.