I'M FAMOUS!
Read why Tony's Kansas City is trying to set me up with his sister (no I actually don't know if he has a sister or not but whatev).
Clarification - my parents did not beat me, just in case you did not get the joke.
The pick is from St. Pats day 2007 (and yes I am wasted, so what?) you can see fat picks of me in some slide shows on myspace page.
Bubba, an airline mechanic, was bragging to his boss one day. "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name Someone, Anyone and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "Okay, Bubba, how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends and I can prove it."
So, Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba ! Great to see You! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Bush," his Boss quickly retorts.
"Yep", Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
So, off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise. I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The new Pope,"his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Bubba. "I've known the Pope a long time."
So, off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
He disappears into the crowd headed toward St. Peter's. Sure enough, half an hour later, Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his Boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened"?
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and The Pope came out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked,
"Who's that on the balcony with Bubba"?
I read my horoscope everyday.
Today my Quickie Horoscope said that “Your ego will get a big boost today, and you'll give someone's ego a boost, too.”
Well, someone better get to ego boosting. STAT!!
But the overview Horoscope said:
“Someone's getting all worked up, but you don't have to let their mood affect you. You have your own situation to deal with right now. Remain civil, and remind yourself that they can take care of their own issues.”
These things are about as useful as a sperm flavored pop-sickle.
The Thursday Joke is coming tonight.
I have been thinking about this blog and the direction I want to take it in the future. I am considering a few things and all I have come up with is a lot of questions.
First, no, I am not quitting. If you think I should then you should think again.
I am thinking about changing over to WordPress. I think Wordpress has cooler and more templates than blogger does. But I have a few questions before I make the jump.
I am looking for some advice. I am looking for someone that has used both Wordpress and Blogger and that is willing to help me out with the switch (if I decide to make it).
But first the questions.
What are the differences between the two? Will I lose all of my older post? Can I still keep the same web address? Does blogger support wordpress templates? Will I have to get my own domain name? (I do this in my spare time so I don't want to pay for a domain name, mostly because I am cheap). Is it hard to work with wordpress? Will it be difficult to learn? (I tought my self how to put up all that stuff on the right so I am sure I could figure out wordpress if I had too) What, if any is the learning curve? (I would really not like to become a shut in while trying to learn wordpress)
In your opinion, which is better, easier, or takes the least time to manage? Will I have to spend hours and hours trying to get a post up? Is wordpress more customizable than blogger?
I don't know anyone that blogs on a personal level, (although I have made a few friends) so I have not heard any horror stories regarding Wordpress (or blogger for that matter).
Let me know if you have any, I would love to hear them. Or if you have used either blogger or wordpress in the past and why did you switch?
Would you recommend anything other than blogger or Wordpress?
I will be reading about Wordpress over the next couple of days but in the mean time. I would love to hear your opinions about the matter.
Or you could suggest some web sites that have some blogger templates that I could use. If I decide to not to switch.
UPDATE: If you think your comment might be too long for a comment you can go to my profile and email me from there.
Thanks in advance!
Last Saturday I meet Reggie, his wife Chrisse, Scooter and his wife, (I have not thought of a nickname for her yet), and Mr. Awesome (his wife was baby sitting), out at Danny's out near the legends, buy the race track, to watch the KU game. As we all know KU lost so we all stuck around after the game and kept drinking. We were all standing around a couple of tables just talking about the game, and my new camera and all the cool stuff that it does.
This is me (and my excellent full head of hair!)scrolling though the pics of St. Patty's Day to show Scooters wife a particular picture. Reggie took it with his cell phone.
Mr. Awesome was talking to the someone at the table next to us. If my memory serves me correctly we were talking about how crappy the Jayhawks played. Mr Awesome started to walk back from the table next to us. At that exact moment that Mr. Awesome was exactly half way between the 2 tables, Reggie let a HUGE loogie fly right in the path of Mr. Awesome. I tried to grab him to get him out of the line of fire. But it was too late Mr. Awesome was hit in the leg and hand with Reggie spit!!
Here is the proof!! See the wet spot on Mr. Awesome's jeans?
As the mouth projectile hit him he jumped up like his ass was on fire!! It was the funniest thing I have seen in a long time. He was so pissed, and confused because he did not know who did it, or what it was, or even where it came from. Then as we were all laughing our asses off. He figured out that Reggie had spit on him and he was pissed. You see Mr. Awesome was having a really bad couple of days. He burnt his hand getting a pizza out of the oven on St. Pats day, KU lost, and some other things happened to him. So he was kinda feeling down anyway and now one of his best friends (and mine) goes and spits on him out of no where. That incident will always be known as Spit-Gate! After Reggie explained to him what had happen he was not as pissed but still felt a little stupid. Reggie apologised and everything was cool.
Don't you just love happy endings.
It’s 1:22 p.m on Friday I have a lot of work to do at the office. If I don’t get some of it done now I will have to work tomorrow. Which I really don’t feel like doing, but I might tomorrow. Unless it is raining when I get up then I will prolly just stay in bed until I have to pee so bad that I could taste it, (which is REALLY BAD). Then I would just get up walk to the bathroom put both hands on my hips and let it fly! (Notice I said nothing about pulling out my wang or holding on to it while I do my biznit. The reason for this is two fold. Reason 1) I sleep neeked. So no need to “whip it out” because it will already be out. Reason 2) I am 36 years old and I know how to aim my wang without even touching it. I would offer classes on how to do this but I that would sound too gey for my taste. Did I mention I was at work?
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Up on the docket for the weekend is some exciting stuff, not as exciting as meeting my future wife and having a 12 hour sexy time session with her, while covering each other in chocolate pudding, whipped cream, and having her invite her sluttier friend over and have them reenact the ring toss game scene from American Pie 5: The Neeked Mile, but damn… damn close. On Saturday I have a few things I could do. 1) Email my family and tell them that I am more awesome than them now that I am 63 ½ pounds lighter. 2) I could come in to the office and get caught up on some work that I should be doing right now. 3) I could do my taxes, but would rather have brain surgery, and a root canal combined into one surgery, WITH a rabid dog gnawing (gnawing, NOT licking) at my genitals. 4) Laundry, bla. 5) Clean up the yard, and put down some new seed (not MY seed, you sicko’s), (although I would not mind putting my seed down in the yard just not by myself if ya’ know what I’m sayin’). Have I mentioned that I am at work, and it’s 3:23 p.m.? 6) I could also go back though all of my post and give them all tags so if someone wanted to read everything that has to do with say, my weight loss, then they could just find it them all in one place.
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I think I will defiantly do that last one, because I am a one hell of a guy that you should probably get to know better. (That is if you are hot and single). But I have to tell you up front, I have a 3 minuet rule. It’s very similar to some of my woman friends 3 month rule. You see, when they were single, some (o.k. one) of them had this lame ass rule about waiting 3 months before they (she) climbed on top of their boyfriends high hard ones. Only mine is a 3 minuet rule, I won’t sleep with you, hold your hand, touch you inappropriately, or even make out with you, unless I have known you for at least 3 minuets. So if you can’t deal with that then get to steppin’!
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(Side note: If I get interrupted one more time today I am going to ballistic!! Don’t my bossholes know that I don’t want to work tomorrow?)
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This blog has its first birfday coming up on April 13, (I’m so proud of him snif, snif) and I thought I would give it another overhall. I will be looking for some new templates and other stuff that I think are neat that I have seen on other peoples blogs. The good news is that you, Dear Reader, will have a chance to vote on the final selection. This is now its going to work: I will select 5 templates to post up here over 5 nights (I have not yet decide if I will change the current template or if I will just post a pic inside an actual post. I think the best way will be to post a pic and then you will be able to see them just by scrolling down.)
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My next major purchase will be to upgrade the entire home computer system. I want a lap top, with wireless internet so I can watch T.V. and surf the web for, ahem, umm “stuff”. But I don’t want to get rid of my home P.C. So I was thinking of using the P.C. as a server or, I guess server is not the right term it would be more like a storage device for stuff that I keep. But then I could always just clean off the hard drives and burn all my pics and stuff to a DVD or CD which ever will hold more. So if anyone knows of where I could get a kick ass laptop on the cheap, or in exchange for a few various sexual favors, just drop me an email.
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(Well ain’t that a kick in the crouch, now I HAVE to work tomorrow. Jerk-offs)
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The time is 4:30 p.m. YEA! Only 30 min left!
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On St. Pats Day (no, you’re not getting a full review because, I can’t remember half of it, and you’ll just have to deal with it). There was this really hot girl at Kelly’s (later found out her name was Melony, but for the sake of confusion I tell you her name now) that was kinda standing next to our group. Every time I turned around I would catch her looking at me. And she would catch me looking at her. After sometime of playing that game and once in a while saying one liners, like “I can’t believe all of the people are here for my birfday. I’m so excited! Here, feel my crotch!” And the ever classic “Hi, I’m Darren Kelly (not my real last name) my brothers and I own this bar, and since your in it, I own you. Now, go change my oil!” She laughs and thinks I have on the funniest shirt ever. 
Later, I see her talking to a friend of mine. Of course I start to think that she knows her, and the second they part I plow thought the crowd and ask her if she knew that hot (Melony) chick. Well, come to find out she doesn’t know Melony but she did know someone that was with Melonys group. So later Meloney comes up to me and:
“Hey, Darren can you fix my cell phone”.
(WTF?) Do I look like a fucking electrician? I thought. And how the hell does she know my name? (I later found out that she had asked my friend about me.) I had been drinking for several hours but was drinking only beer so I wasn’t totally wasted…YET!
“Sure I can. I can fix any thing I am very handsy” I say.
“I dropped it in the toilet.” She says AFTER she hands it to me.
The battery was in wrong so I could not get it out with my bare hands so I give it to Red, the bartender and tell him. “Pry it out with a kitchen knife or something small like your pee-pee”. He throws me a dirty look and I laugh my ass off.
“Red and I are tight, we talk to each other like that all the time” I tell Meloney.
“You don’t really own this bar do you?” she asks.
“Nope, I just use that line on the really pretty girls”. I respond with a wink.
“Nice line” she says
“Thanks”
“That last one, not the one about you owning Kelly’s”
Bullshit I think, you’re here now aren’t you? I think to myself.
I put the battery in and the phone still does not work so I am all out of ideas (and lines). I let her use my phone to call someone, her mom is who she said she was calling.
By now all my friends have already left and headed to the Record Bar just up the street from Kelly’s. I tell her that I have to get up there and walk her to a cab. She thanks me for the help with her phone and gives me her number and I put it in my phone. We kiss good night, and she jams her tongue in my mouth. And my first thought is SCREW MY FRIENDS!!! The D is going to get his willy wet!! But I puss out and tell her I will call her later.
I get to the Record Bar and everyone is asking where have I been. I tell them that I was helping a girl get a cab.
Someone says, “Then why do you have lip gloss on your face?”
“Whats the big deal she tanked me, so what? Mind your own business!
I then change the subject and check my phone to make sure I put her number in correctly. FUCK no number! I must have hit the cancel key instead of the store key.
So here is my question, Did she really drop her phone in the toilet or is this a new line that I have not heard of? I ask because IF she dropped it in the toilet then the phone would have been wet right? But it wasn’t wet it was bone dry.
See, I am on to you ladies.
Have a nice weekend and remember. If you drive don’t drink and if you drink don’t drive. If you have sex for Christ sakes wear a condom!
Peace out!
(btw it’s 6:14 p.m.)
I went home for lunch as I do every day, not because of the diet, but because I'm too AWESOME to have lunch with my co-workers.
I picked up my Ipod so now the day should speed up while I try to catch up on the work I didn't get done this morning.
Ya'll have a good rest of the day.
Make sure you get home before 6 so you can watch the Jayhawks kick some ass!!
Peace Out!
I was left out of this article in the Star. Which just goes to show you that the peeps at the paper wouldn't know what cool was if it came up to them and punch them in the face.
Besides I get at least 10 hits from someone or some people that work at the Star a day. So they know I'm here.
I'm 36 and still don't get invited to the cool parties. Damn!
I can't do it... I.... just..... can't..... Its 10:27 a.m. and have not had any radio or music for that mater for over 2 1/2 hours. I am so bored and frustrated because I dont have any music on that I am literally about to jump out of my skin. Or kill some one. I have not gotten any thing done becasue I can't concentrate on the task at hand. I don't think I am going to last another hour until I take my usual 1 1/2 hour lunch (30 minuets of which I steel from the company.)
I must have some kind of background noise going on. I don't need to rock out or anything like that. I just need to hear something other that people talking.
face I keep the volume down so low that the people in the cubes tat are around mine have no idea that I eve had music on. The volume is so low that you can only hear it if you are sitting in my cube. I an very considerate of other people, of course I don't know why becasue that lowd fuckers are surely not considerate of me. They talk on the phone like they are yelling across the grand cayon or some shit.
Hang on...
How dare some one interupt me while I'm blogging!! They will be my first victim...
DAMMIT!! DAMMIT!!! DAMMIT!!! Stupid employer blocked access to my internet satellite radio web site!! Now what am I supposed to listen too? People talking? Crap, this is going to be the longest most boring morning EVER!
Until I can get home for lunch and get my Ipod.
Jackasses!!
THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD
Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.
Consider:
You can get shit-faced, Be shit-out-of-luck, Or have shit for brains.
With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit, or be asked to shit or get off the pot.
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit.
Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.
You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.
And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!
You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit!
Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head...........
Well, Shit Happens!!!
Howdy Folks!
I'm so excited I can't stand it!!
"Why are you so excited the D?"
"Why, thanks for asking, reader, I really appreciate the question".
Friday night I bought a new pair of jeans and a new digital camera. More on the camera later. Lets discuss the jeans first:
As you all know I have been on a diet since September 1st. I had not bought any new clothes because I knew that I would just keep losing weight and it didn't make much since to buy clothes because they would end up not fitting me in just a few months or even weeks. But I had to buy at least some new pants because the ones I currently wear are a 38" or 40" waist. Also my belts were not doing the job of keeping my pants up. (Your welcome for that mental picture)
I was starting to get a little anxious when I was deciding on what size to start off with, do I start with some 36's and work my way down getting more and more excited as I tried each size on? Or do I start low and get pissed because I could not fit in to the 32's or 33's?
I decide to start with the 34's they fit great! But still a little too lose for my taste. AWESOME! I say to myself and gave a little fist pump. (YES!!!) Feeling great now! Lets keep this going and go for the 33's. YES THEY FIT!! DOUBLE FIT PUMPS!!! (YES,YES!!!!) I haven't fit into 33's in more than 10 years! I'M TOTALLY freaking out!!! I can hardly keep my cool!! Dare, I go for the 32's? You bet your aunt Sally, I WENT FOR THE 32's. AND THEY FIT!!!! HOLY FUCKIN' SHIT NOW I AM REALLY FREAKIN' OUT!!! I have not wore 32's since high school!! (Class of '89 thankyouverymuch) I am putting myself into DEFCON 4!!!
I am standing in front of the mirror that is just outside of the dressing room looking at the new jeans that I have on, and almost literally shitting in my pants. But the 32's are tight and because I know they will shrink in the wash I go back to the 33's.
I put the 33's back on and stand in front of the mirror again and just stare at them. All I can think is YES, YES, YES!!! I don't know what to do... I want to call someone and just start freaking out. But all I do is stand there and begin to break down. I rush back to the seclusion of the dressing room, and totally lose it. And its not a good site. It was not one of the lame ass brake downs like when Old Yeller was shot. It was one for those break downs where I could not control it. My nose was running I couldn't breathe... I was shaking... I started to sweating... It was just terrible.
As I was paying for the jeans I just begin to laugh. And start talking to myself. I lean on the counter and just laugh and shake my head:
"Are you O.K?" asked the lady ringing me up.
"Yea I'm fine I just can't belive I can fit in those jeans" I say with a smile on my face.
"Why wouldn't you?"
"6 months ago I was 250 pounds I have lost 63 1/2 pounds in 6 1/2 months."
"WOW!! That's amazing!! Congratulations"
"Thanks"
"Would you like to touch me in an inappropriate way?" she asks
"Umm, No thanks" I say awkwardly.
I change the subject fast. I thought I better get a new belt while I was there. So I ask her to get me one.
No one know how hard I have to work to lose this weight. No one knows what I have to do to motivate myself to get to the gym 2 times a day. No one knows how sore I am after the workouts. I have done this all by myself through diet and exercise. No surgery, no crazy-ass diet plan, no pills. Nothing but hard work and determination. And I only have myself to thank and myself to blame when I don't make my goals. And that is how I want to do it.
In 6 1/2 months I have lost 63 1/2 pounds. And 7 inches off my waist. I was wearing 40 inch waist I am now wearing 33" waist. I used to wear XXXL or XXL tee shirts. I now wear XL tee-shirts.
As a reward to myself, I went across the street to the Best Buy and picked out a nifty little digital camera. 200 bucks and an extra memory card and I was on my way back home.
Here is a pick of my new and old belts. The old belt is on the right. The new belt is a 34"
I am not finished yet, but I am well past the half way mark. Even though I don't know what the final number will be I'm thinking maybe in the 160's. Even though I did not make my goal of 185 on Saturday morning I am still pretty pumped about 186 1/2 pounds.
YEA FOR ME!!!
P.S I also redid my My space page, and put up all the pics from St. Pats day, so check it out
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl".
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say Father."
"Was it Teresa Volpe?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, Father, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and Whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads."
Back on Feb 26 I weighed in at 193 1/4 pounds. I set a goal to weight in at 185 on March 16th. I knew dropping 8 1/4 pounds in 3 weeks (19 total days) would be pretty tough. Mostly because my average weight loss has been about 2 pounds a week. I knew I would have too change some things up in order to increase my average loss to 2 3/4 pounds a week. So ever since then I have been working out twice a day.
I am not a morning person, if I had my way (and I NEVER get my way) I would sleep till noon and work from 2 in the afternoon until 10 in the evening and then come home get drunk while watching Casablanca and drunk dialing girls and only say "Frankly, my dear I don't give a dam" over and over when they say "What the hell do you want is 4:17 in the morning". And then pass out. Yea, THAT would be pretty sweet.
Anyway, I have been getting up at the crack of dawn, (Dawn is REALLY bitchy in the mornings BTW) or at 5:30 to go for a morning run. I run from my house east on 45th street to North on Jefferson to 43rd, east on 43rd to Mill Creek Park, around the park and back for a total of 4 miles. This route used to take me 1 hour to complete now I can do it in under 40 minuets if I really push myself, under 50 minuets if I take it easy.
I also park on the lowest level of our parking garage and take the stairs up to the second level, which is where my cube is located. It's a total of 5 full flights of stairs. I do them 4 times a day.
After work I have been going to the gym and hitting the tread mill for some more running and walking. I either use the "Fat burner" or "Calorie Burner" (no, I do not know what the difference is but do know that the Calorie Burner is a Motherfucker as far as running goes, the first few minuets for the "Ass-master" as I like to call it are almost straight up) settings and set the time for 60 minuets, put on my Ipod and rock the hizous with some Metallica and bust my ass. When I don't use one of those settings I put it on manual with an incline of 0.0%, set the speed to 7.0, with these settings I can run 2.5 miles with out stopping. Which is HUGE considering where I started. I also do some abdominal work for both my upper and lower abs.
I get home about 7:30 or 8:00 depending on how many sets of crunches and leg lifts I do, usually its just 3 or 4 sets of each, but sometimes when I have a shitty day or if I am just feeling like crap or if I have something bothering me (like there had been lately) I will do 6 or 7 sets, and then crawl to a corner, curl up in the fetal position, and suck my thumb and cry until the pain goes away.
I have also changed the diet, I was eating 1700 calories a day, now I am eating 1500 calories. (Except for the time we went to the Brigade game and ate at Sutera's). The tread mill says that I burn 750 to 800 calories depending on what I set it on and how far I run/walk. So I figure I am burning 1600 or more calories just during the workouts, not counting the calories I burn not working out. I am still eating 3 times a day. But instead of a grilled chicken sammich, fries and a diet coke for dinner. (I would kill for a diet coke right now). I am eating a chicken Caesar salad, with very little lite ranch dressing. Eating a salad every night for 14 days straight is getting pretty fucking old, really fucking fast. I am drinking alot more water to keep my stomach from bitching that it's empty, but I am also pissing a WHOLE lot more, like once an hour, if not more plus I have to keep getting up at night to piss.
My day stares at 5:45 and finally ends at 10 when I am so tired that I fall asleep watching the news.
All this working out is starting to take it's toll on me. I am not losing any motivation, in fact I have even more motivation because of the progress I have made in my distance traveled, speed and endurance. It's just that I am so fucking tired that I am having a hard time staying awake while I am at my desk at work, but right now I am wide a wake.
I usually weigh-in on Mondays evenings after working out. I'm not going to tell you what I weighted in at today but lets just say that's looking pretty good that I will make my goal.
I have also extended the final weight in to Saturday morning just so I can get the 2 more workouts in before the hammer falls.
I will let you all know how it goes on Saturday morning. Fo-sho!!
With St. Patricks day less than a week away I thought I would give you all some drunk dialing rules. Believe me, you need them as much as I do.
1. Only drunk dial when you are drunk. Everything else is just a lame phone call.
2. It is okay to call someone 27 times in one night. If you don’t remember it, it didn’t happen.
3. Never Drunk dial a family member. They will hold it over you the rest of your life.
4. Dirty talk while drunk dialing is always required. Who doesn’t want to hear your best raspy, phone sex voice at 3 in the A.M. asking to bend them over something?? Or telling an ex. that you love them over and over, that ALWAYS put them in the mood.
5. If you get their voicemail always leave a message. This way, your ex can let their friends listen to it so every one will know what a loser you really are. She and her friends will listen to it over and over there by having fun at your expense for days, even weeks to come. And even bring it up the next time you are out with your latest girl/boyfriend.
6. Drunk texting is a must. That way you can know for sure what you said when you are sober the next day when they call you to make fun of your drunk ass.
7. It is definitely a good idea to call all of your exes and remind them that you were the best lover they’ve ever had and everything they know, they learned from you. This way you can sleep well at night.
8. You can also call this same ex and let him/her know, that you know that he/she still loves you. Then explain to him/her that “I would still love me too because I’m so fucking AWESOME!”
9. If you are a frequent dialer, never get mad if someone dials you. Be happy they thought of you in this special time instead of your hotter and sluttier friend. (And everyone has a hotter and sluttier friend.)
10. It is always a good idea to sing on someone’s answering machine or voicemail. Especially if it’s their birthday. Classy real classy right there.
11. Drunk dialing should be fun and light hearted or dirty and sex crazed… never angry. If you are an angry drunk then you should not even be drinking much less calling some one while drunk. Fuckhead.
12. Most likely you will never drunk dial your best friends. They are usually the ones taking your phone away and reminding you that “you have a problem”. Yea the problem is that that fucking skank broke my heart!
13. If you deleted a number sober, it was probably for a good reason. Do not try to retrieve this number. Nothing good can come from it... EVER!
14. Always call someone you know. Finding random numbers in phone books is bad and usually leads to angry dialing. Remember *69 still works and they can find you.
15. If your cell phone dies, remember everything happens for a reason. Never borrow a friend’s phone to do your dialing. This is just poor planning you should always have a fully charged cell phone. Only losers let their phone go dead.
16. Drunk dialing to a foreign country is usually too costly to be a good idea. But, if you really feel like if you don’t call this person you’ll just die, break rule 15 and use a friend’s phone. She/he probably left the country to get a way from your incessant phone calls, emails, and text messages. Get the hint. Save your money and buy a life, or a hooker.
17. Drunk dialing may lead to drunk muffin stuffing… be prepared, always carry a condom.
18. When dialing remember that “hanging out” at 3 in the a.m. usually doesn’t involve cards it’s probably going to be more like cheap lube and handcuffs. So be prepared when you really do want to play X-box when you’re drunk… “You want me to do what with your box? Play with it?”
19. Don’t drunk dial in the pool, tub, or rainstorm. It only ends up with you blow drying your phone when your far too drunk to be using electronics and you won’t be able to drunk dial anymore that night.
20. Never, I repeat, never drunk dial your boss, preacher, grandpa, or friend’s parents. Why the hell would you have these peoples phone numbers any way? If you are that hard up to call someone, there is an 800 number on Budweiser boxes. The person on the other line always sounds cute, plus I think they are used to drunk dialers.
21. If you receive a drink dial you are required by federal law to return the drunk dial as early as possible the next day. You must continue to call the offender multiple times until they wake their drunk ass up and answer the phone, and then you can hang up, or begin to enact your revenge.
Today's joke was submitted by one of my buddies wives, the lovely Chrissie (Reggies wife). As per the rules of submitting a joke, I will pimp out your blog if you send me one and I think its funny enough to post. But she since she doesn’t have her own blog, I thought I would pimp her out. By that I mean I will say some nice things about her… (wait for it)… But I couldn’t think of any. (You saw that line coming from a mile away didn’t you?)
Anyway, I could sit here all day and make jokes about how she constantly hits on me and sends me dirty pictures of herself, along with letters that are so graphic even Penthouse wouldn’t publish them. But that would make the rest of the wives jealous, even the ones that don’t like me. She also touches me inappropriately, but I usually let that slide. But I don’t think that would be cool with her husband, so I am not going too.
Seriously folks, she is a nice lady and Reggie is lucky to have her. I could type all day about the good qualities she has but that would result in me either getting a stiffy, or crying like a 2 year old, but I digress.
She is very excited to have her joke posted here even though she all she did was forward it to me. When I told her that I was going to use it as the Thursday joke I think her response was, ”YEA!!! I’M FUCKING PUMPED!!!” Then she put her shirt back on.
On to the joke:
A blonde pilot decided she wanted to learn how to fly a helicopter.
She went to the airport, but the only one available was a solo-helicopter. The instructor figured he could let her go up alone since she was already a pilot for small planes and he could instruct her via radio. So, up the blonde went.
She reached 1,000 feet and everything was going smoothly.
She reached 2,000 feet. The blonde and the instructor kept talking via radio. Everything was still going smoothly.
At 3,000 feet, the helicopter suddenly came down quickly! It skimmed the top of some trees and crash landed in the woods. The instructor jumped into his Jeep and rushed out to see if the blonde was okay. As he reached the edge of the woods, the blonde was walking out.
"What happened"? The instructor asked. "All was going so well until you reached 3,000 feet. What happened then"?
"Well," began the blonde. "I got cold, so I turned off the ceiling fan."
Howdy folks, thanks for stopping by and reading. Our network is down at the office right now so I thought I would let every one know what I have been up too. The time is 1:08 p.m.
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I have been pretty down in the dumps since last week because of something that happened to me, but I am pretty much past that now.
I had been on a few dates with the Pharmacy Girl. I thought things were going well but not great, so I wasn’t putting any stock in a long relationship from the start. We really didn’t have a lot in common, but we did always have a good time going out having dinner and a few drinks. We never had any drunken make-outs or anything like that, just some kisses at the door step at the end of the night. Then one day last week she just decided to stop returning my phone calls. Then she called me a few days later and gave me the “we should just be friends speech”. Long story short I have not heard from her since. But it’s still a let down, mostly because she was really good looking. So I have that goin for me. BLA!
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Over the weekend I watched Saw 3, and Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby
First up Saw 3: I am a fan or these types of movies with crazy twist at the end. (One of my favs is The Usual Suspects, if you have not see it, see it, you won't be disappointed.) But this movie was REALLY gory in one scene this doctor drills a hole in this dudes brain, which is about my limit as far a gory movies go. I won’t give any thing away, but just like the other two Saw movies there is a crazy twist at the end. But out of all 3 of these releases the first one was the best.
Next up is Ricky Bobby: HI-LARIOUS!! I could not say enough things about this movie. The scene at the dinner table with his kids (Walker and Texas Ranger) is a classic. This movie also has some of the best movie lines ever. A couple examples are: “If we wanted our kids to be pussies we would have called them Doctor Quinn and Medicine Woman”… Or “I’m gonna come at you like a spider monkey!! Just to name a few. Defiantly a winner in my book.
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On Sunday the fellas (Mr. Awesome, Reggie and Scooter) and I went to the Brigade game. Reggie has season tickets, his seats are in the end zone opposite of where the teams come out on the field, on the 3rd row from the field. So the cheerleaders are right in front of us. I like the seats for that reason, plus I can look down there tops. But for some reason my friends don’t even look at them, they just look at the field or the ceiling the whole time. I keep pointing out the hottest cheerleaders but they don’t want to look, they just mumble something about loving their wives, or some other crazy stuff. The Coors lite party zone is right next to us. I recorded the game and watched it later, and we definitely made it on T.V a couple of times.
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Remember that storm we had last Wednesday? Apparently some dude got so pissed off that he missed his fav television show that he created a web site called FIREKATIE.COM, which is just totally over reacting to her storm coverage. IMO
FireKatie.com has a link to this post in his link section so now I am getting alot of hits. Now if I could just find away for some of those people to come back on a regular basis I would be doing pretty good. But most are just reading that post and then leaving. (They obviously don't know what they're missing). Some of the talk radio stations have also been talking about it, and Arron Barnhart wrote an article about it on Tuesday and Wednesday in Tuesdays K.C. Star.
The time is now 2:10 p.m.
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Next Wednesday I am going to use a gift card that I got from my friend Lonnie Anderson as a Christmas present and buy some new jeans. I am also going to try to convince her to also use her employee discount, but I think that might be a stretch.
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I am down to 192 1/4 lbs now. I think it’s going to be really tough for me to make 185 lbs before March 16th. That’s 7 1/4 lbs in 9 days. Tough, really tough.
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I hit a concrete pillar the other day in our parking garage at work. When I hit it I yelled, “MOVE, YA STUPID POLE!!!” What I didn’t realize was that about 5 of my co-workers saw and heard me, and started laughing their asses off at me. That was a good day. Or course I hit it on purpose just so I could get a laugh, cause you know that's how I roll.
The time is now 3:00 and the network is back up.
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Don’t forget St. Pattys day is a week from Saturday. I'll be down at Kelly’s before noon. So stop by if you want too. I will be the awesome dude in green.
Talk to ya’ll later
Next time you are in Toys-R-us walk up to the first employee you see and ask...
"Excuse me, can you tell me where your toy department is located?"
Then just stare at them.
Where the hell was I when this was going on in my catholic grade school?
I was probably picking my nose in the back of the class.
Seriously, what the hell?
That freakout I was in earlier today turned out to be nothing. I thought I was gonna come into some money but after looking into it tonight I'm not.
Sorry about the big build up and then this let down.
(If I had a dollar everytime I had to tell a girl that I would have, like $7.50.)
I have just had my mind blown.
THE. FUCK. OUT!!!!!!
I am in TOTAL SHOCK!!!!
Absolutely speechless by something I just read.
AMAZING.
SIMPLEY.
AMAZING.
I'm at work and can't elaborate... more tonight.
I might find these funnier that you.
Q. How do you say Hooah with a dick in your mouth?
A. I don’t know ask the ARMY.
A Marine and Airman are doing their business in urinals next to each other in an airport bathroom. They engage in some small talk, mostly some pot shots at the others branch of service. They both finish around the same time. The Airman goes to the sink and starts to wash his hands while the Marine just heads for the door. The Ariman looks at him disgusted and says, "At least in Air Force boot camp they teach us to wash our hands after taking a piss." The Marine looks at him and says, "In Marine Corps boot camp they teach us not to piss on ours".
Mrs. Smith, a teacher called on Johnny to tell a personal story with a moral. Johnny said, "My Uncle Ted was a Marine pilot during the war in Vietnam, one day his plane got hit by a missile and was going down. Uncle Ted grabbed a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete and bailed out. On the way down he drank the whole case of beer. As luck would have it he landed in a field and was surrounded by 100 Viet cong soldiers. He started shooting his machine gun and killed 70 of them before he ran out of ammunition. Then he grabbed the machete and killed 20 more before the machete blade broke. He then killed the last 10 with his bare hands." "Oh my God!" exclaimed Mrs. Smith, "What could the moral of that story possibly be?" Johnny said, "The moral of that story is.. Don’t mess with Uncle Ted when he’s been drinking!"
