The D Rules!!: Random Thoughts

100 Facts That You Didn't Know About The D

1. The D doesn't have to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Tall buildings duck under The D.

2. The D can delete the Recycling Bin.

3. When The D goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

4. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but The D says its beef, then it's beef.

5. Whenever The D plays Chutes and Ladders, he treats the chutes as ladders, because he's not some sissy who can't climb up a plastic slide.

6. When The D deletes files from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.

7. The D can slam revolving doors.

8. Once a cobra bit The D's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

9.The D can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.

10. Giraffes were created when The D uppercut a horse.

11. The D is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.

12. The D was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

13. On his birthday, The D randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

14. The D can speak braille.

15. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for The D.

16. The D once stated that he "doesn't wail on sissy boys." This led to the pink polo shirts with popped collars craze. Little do those pitiful fools know that The D was just making it easier to find sissy boys to wail on.

17. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. The D can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.

18. The D doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

19. The D does not sleep. He waits.

20. The D once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

21. World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, The D ate Kobayashi.

22. If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear The D laughing at you.

23. The D died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

24. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects The D could use to kill you, including the room itself.

25. The D sleeps with a night light. Not because The D is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of The D.

26. The D is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

27. The D's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools The D.

28. The D always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.

29. The D is the only one who can "try this at home."

30. The D beat a wall at tennis. Yes. A WALL.

31. The D's blood type is WD-40.

32. If The D wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.

33. The D played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

34. The last man who made eye contact with The D was Ray Charles.

35. The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that The D's basement was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.

36. You are what you eat. That is why The D's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

37. The D owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

38. Circles exist because The D beat the crap out of some squares.

39. The D had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow, and anywhere The D went the lamb was sure to go. So he killed it.

40. The D was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

41. The D invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.

42. Getting murdered by The D counts as a natural cause of death.

43. When The D plays any video game, God mode automatically turns on.

44. The D destroyed the periodic table, saying The D only recognizes the element of surprise.

45. The D puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

46. The D counted to infinity - twice.

47. The D can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

48. Only once has The D ever cried. The only survivors were a bunch of animals and some dude named Noah.

49. The popular video game "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from The D and forgot to pay him back.

50. The D's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.

51. The D and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.

52. The D once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

53. The D irons his shirts while he's wearing them.

54. The D once got caught doing 100 in a 50 zone. The cop did give him a speeding ticket, however The D still pleads his innocence to this day, stating that he was simply out for a morning jog.

55. The D wears a cup not to protect himself, but to protect the players on the other team.

56. The D knows the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow (African *AND* European).

57. Onions do not make The D cry. The D makes onions crap themselves.

58. If you haven't seen Alien vs. Predator yet, don't bother, The D wins.

59. The D was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

60. The D can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

61. The D was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.

62. On a high school math test, The D put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because The D solves all his problems with Violence.

63. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to The D and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

64. The D doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

65. The D does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

66. The D invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

67. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be The D.

68. Crop circles are The D's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down and shut the fuck up!.

69. The D does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. The D goes killing.

70. The D does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction.

71. There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because The D is going to walk.

72. When The D enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

73. The only time The D was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

74. The D has the heart of a child. He keeps it in a small box.

75. The word "lesbian" derives from an old Latin phrase that roughly translates as "She who has not yet been introduced to The D."

76. Superman owns a pair of The D pajamas.

77. The movie Ray is loosely based on the life of The D, only they substituted piano playing for eating toddlers, and blindness for the ability to fly.

78. What scientists thought was natural selection is actually only the continued survival of animals The D has found too chewy to eat.

79. When The D gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

80. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped The D's house one Christmas.

81. The D has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.

82. Weeping Willows are a result of The D yelling at trees for not being tough enough.

83. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when The D punched himself in the face.

84. The D can watch a season of "24" in just three hours.

85. The D is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right fist.

86. The D became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.

87. The D's dog is trained to pick up his own poop because The D will not take crap from anyone.

88. The D sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.

89. The D can predict the shuffle on his iPod.

90. The D used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

91. The D is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.

92. The D doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.

93. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: The D was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.

94. The D can kill two stones with one bird.

95. The D can tie his shoes with his feet.

96. The D is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.

97. The D can make a paraplegic run for his life.

98. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures The D allows to live.

99. When The D gets pulled over he lets the cop off with a warning.

100. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless The D has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Friday, March 23, 2007

Random Thoughts

It’s 1:22 p.m on Friday I have a lot of work to do at the office. If I don’t get some of it done now I will have to work tomorrow. Which I really don’t feel like doing, but I might tomorrow. Unless it is raining when I get up then I will prolly just stay in bed until I have to pee so bad that I could taste it, (which is REALLY BAD). Then I would just get up walk to the bathroom put both hands on my hips and let it fly! (Notice I said nothing about pulling out my wang or holding on to it while I do my biznit. The reason for this is two fold. Reason 1) I sleep neeked. So no need to “whip it out” because it will already be out. Reason 2) I am 36 years old and I know how to aim my wang without even touching it. I would offer classes on how to do this but I that would sound too gey for my taste. Did I mention I was at work?
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Up on the docket for the weekend is some exciting stuff, not as exciting as meeting my future wife and having a 12 hour sexy time session with her, while covering each other in chocolate pudding, whipped cream, and having her invite her sluttier friend over and have them reenact the ring toss game scene from American Pie 5: The Neeked Mile, but damn… damn close. On Saturday I have a few things I could do. 1) Email my family and tell them that I am more awesome than them now that I am 63 ½ pounds lighter. 2) I could come in to the office and get caught up on some work that I should be doing right now. 3) I could do my taxes, but would rather have brain surgery, and a root canal combined into one surgery, WITH a rabid dog gnawing (gnawing, NOT licking) at my genitals. 4) Laundry, bla. 5) Clean up the yard, and put down some new seed (not MY seed, you sicko’s), (although I would not mind putting my seed down in the yard just not by myself if ya’ know what I’m sayin’). Have I mentioned that I am at work, and it’s 3:23 p.m.? 6) I could also go back though all of my post and give them all tags so if someone wanted to read everything that has to do with say, my weight loss, then they could just find it them all in one place.
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I think I will defiantly do that last one, because I am a one hell of a guy that you should probably get to know better. (That is if you are hot and single). But I have to tell you up front, I have a 3 minuet rule. It’s very similar to some of my woman friends 3 month rule. You see, when they were single, some (o.k. one) of them had this lame ass rule about waiting 3 months before they (she) climbed on top of their boyfriends high hard ones. Only mine is a 3 minuet rule, I won’t sleep with you, hold your hand, touch you inappropriately, or even make out with you, unless I have known you for at least 3 minuets. So if you can’t deal with that then get to steppin’!
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(Side note: If I get interrupted one more time today I am going to ballistic!! Don’t my bossholes know that I don’t want to work tomorrow?)
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This blog has its first birfday coming up on April 13, (I’m so proud of him snif, snif) and I thought I would give it another overhall. I will be looking for some new templates and other stuff that I think are neat that I have seen on other peoples blogs. The good news is that you, Dear Reader, will have a chance to vote on the final selection. This is now its going to work: I will select 5 templates to post up here over 5 nights (I have not yet decide if I will change the current template or if I will just post a pic inside an actual post. I think the best way will be to post a pic and then you will be able to see them just by scrolling down.)
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My next major purchase will be to upgrade the entire home computer system. I want a lap top, with wireless internet so I can watch T.V. and surf the web for, ahem, umm “stuff”. But I don’t want to get rid of my home P.C. So I was thinking of using the P.C. as a server or, I guess server is not the right term it would be more like a storage device for stuff that I keep. But then I could always just clean off the hard drives and burn all my pics and stuff to a DVD or CD which ever will hold more. So if anyone knows of where I could get a kick ass laptop on the cheap, or in exchange for a few various sexual favors, just drop me an email.
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(Well ain’t that a kick in the crouch, now I HAVE to work tomorrow. Jerk-offs)
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The time is 4:30 p.m. YEA! Only 30 min left!
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On St. Pats Day (no, you’re not getting a full review because, I can’t remember half of it, and you’ll just have to deal with it). There was this really hot girl at Kelly’s (later found out her name was Melony, but for the sake of confusion I tell you her name now) that was kinda standing next to our group. Every time I turned around I would catch her looking at me. And she would catch me looking at her. After sometime of playing that game and once in a while saying one liners, like “I can’t believe all of the people are here for my birfday. I’m so excited! Here, feel my crotch!” And the ever classic “Hi, I’m Darren Kelly (not my real last name) my brothers and I own this bar, and since your in it, I own you. Now, go change my oil!” She laughs and thinks I have on the funniest shirt ever.

Later, I see her talking to a friend of mine. Of course I start to think that she knows her, and the second they part I plow thought the crowd and ask her if she knew that hot (Melony) chick. Well, come to find out she doesn’t know Melony but she did know someone that was with Melonys group. So later Meloney comes up to me and:

“Hey, Darren can you fix my cell phone”.

(WTF?) Do I look like a fucking electrician? I thought. And how the hell does she know my name? (I later found out that she had asked my friend about me.) I had been drinking for several hours but was drinking only beer so I wasn’t totally wasted…YET!

“Sure I can. I can fix any thing I am very handsy” I say.

“I dropped it in the toilet.” She says AFTER she hands it to me.

The battery was in wrong so I could not get it out with my bare hands so I give it to Red, the bartender and tell him. “Pry it out with a kitchen knife or something small like your pee-pee”. He throws me a dirty look and I laugh my ass off.

“Red and I are tight, we talk to each other like that all the time” I tell Meloney.

“You don’t really own this bar do you?” she asks.

“Nope, I just use that line on the really pretty girls”. I respond with a wink.

“Nice line” she says

“Thanks”

“That last one, not the one about you owning Kelly’s”

Bullshit I think, you’re here now aren’t you? I think to myself.
I put the battery in and the phone still does not work so I am all out of ideas (and lines). I let her use my phone to call someone, her mom is who she said she was calling.

By now all my friends have already left and headed to the Record Bar just up the street from Kelly’s. I tell her that I have to get up there and walk her to a cab. She thanks me for the help with her phone and gives me her number and I put it in my phone. We kiss good night, and she jams her tongue in my mouth. And my first thought is SCREW MY FRIENDS!!! The D is going to get his willy wet!! But I puss out and tell her I will call her later.

I get to the Record Bar and everyone is asking where have I been. I tell them that I was helping a girl get a cab.

Someone says, “Then why do you have lip gloss on your face?”

“Whats the big deal she tanked me, so what? Mind your own business!

I then change the subject and check my phone to make sure I put her number in correctly. FUCK no number! I must have hit the cancel key instead of the store key.

So here is my question, Did she really drop her phone in the toilet or is this a new line that I have not heard of? I ask because IF she dropped it in the toilet then the phone would have been wet right? But it wasn’t wet it was bone dry.

See, I am on to you ladies.

Have a nice weekend and remember. If you drive don’t drink and if you drink don’t drive. If you have sex for Christ sakes wear a condom!

Peace out!

(btw it’s 6:14 p.m.)