100 Facts That You Didn't Know About The D

1. The D doesn't have to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Tall buildings duck under The D.

2. The D can delete the Recycling Bin.

3. When The D goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

4. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but The D says its beef, then it's beef.

5. Whenever The D plays Chutes and Ladders, he treats the chutes as ladders, because he's not some sissy who can't climb up a plastic slide.

6. When The D deletes files from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.

7. The D can slam revolving doors.

8. Once a cobra bit The D's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

9.The D can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.

10. Giraffes were created when The D uppercut a horse.

11. The D is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.

12. The D was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

13. On his birthday, The D randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

14. The D can speak braille.

15. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for The D.

16. The D once stated that he "doesn't wail on sissy boys." This led to the pink polo shirts with popped collars craze. Little do those pitiful fools know that The D was just making it easier to find sissy boys to wail on.

17. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. The D can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.

18. The D doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

19. The D does not sleep. He waits.

20. The D once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

21. World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, The D ate Kobayashi.

22. If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear The D laughing at you.

23. The D died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

24. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects The D could use to kill you, including the room itself.

25. The D sleeps with a night light. Not because The D is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of The D.

26. The D is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

27. The D's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools The D.

28. The D always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.

29. The D is the only one who can "try this at home."

30. The D beat a wall at tennis. Yes. A WALL.

31. The D's blood type is WD-40.

32. If The D wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.

33. The D played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

34. The last man who made eye contact with The D was Ray Charles.

35. The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that The D's basement was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.

36. You are what you eat. That is why The D's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

37. The D owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

38. Circles exist because The D beat the crap out of some squares.

39. The D had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow, and anywhere The D went the lamb was sure to go. So he killed it.

40. The D was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

41. The D invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.

42. Getting murdered by The D counts as a natural cause of death.

43. When The D plays any video game, God mode automatically turns on.

44. The D destroyed the periodic table, saying The D only recognizes the element of surprise.

45. The D puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

46. The D counted to infinity - twice.

47. The D can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

48. Only once has The D ever cried. The only survivors were a bunch of animals and some dude named Noah.

49. The popular video game "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from The D and forgot to pay him back.

50. The D's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.

51. The D and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.

52. The D once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

53. The D irons his shirts while he's wearing them.

54. The D once got caught doing 100 in a 50 zone. The cop did give him a speeding ticket, however The D still pleads his innocence to this day, stating that he was simply out for a morning jog.

55. The D wears a cup not to protect himself, but to protect the players on the other team.

56. The D knows the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow (African *AND* European).

57. Onions do not make The D cry. The D makes onions crap themselves.

58. If you haven't seen Alien vs. Predator yet, don't bother, The D wins.

59. The D was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

60. The D can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

61. The D was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.

62. On a high school math test, The D put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because The D solves all his problems with Violence.

63. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to The D and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

64. The D doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

65. The D does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

66. The D invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

67. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be The D.

68. Crop circles are The D's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down and shut the fuck up!.

69. The D does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. The D goes killing.

70. The D does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction.

71. There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because The D is going to walk.

72. When The D enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

73. The only time The D was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

74. The D has the heart of a child. He keeps it in a small box.

75. The word "lesbian" derives from an old Latin phrase that roughly translates as "She who has not yet been introduced to The D."

76. Superman owns a pair of The D pajamas.

77. The movie Ray is loosely based on the life of The D, only they substituted piano playing for eating toddlers, and blindness for the ability to fly.

78. What scientists thought was natural selection is actually only the continued survival of animals The D has found too chewy to eat.

79. When The D gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

80. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped The D's house one Christmas.

81. The D has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.

82. Weeping Willows are a result of The D yelling at trees for not being tough enough.

83. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when The D punched himself in the face.

84. The D can watch a season of "24" in just three hours.

85. The D is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right fist.

86. The D became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.

87. The D's dog is trained to pick up his own poop because The D will not take crap from anyone.

88. The D sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.

89. The D can predict the shuffle on his iPod.

90. The D used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

91. The D is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.

92. The D doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.

93. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: The D was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.

94. The D can kill two stones with one bird.

95. The D can tie his shoes with his feet.

96. The D is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.

97. The D can make a paraplegic run for his life.

98. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures The D allows to live.

99. When The D gets pulled over he lets the cop off with a warning.

100. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless The D has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Sunday, March 04, 2007

101 Things About Me

  1. My name is Darren. I was not named after anyone. My friends call me "The D", You should too.
  2. My birthday is November 14th 1970.
  3. My middle name is my Mothers maiden name.
  4. I’m 5’-8”. I wish I was taller.
  5. I HATE pickles.
  6. Deleted.
  7. I have been chubby my whole life.
  8. My favorite sport is professional football.
  9. My least favorite sport is professional basketball.
  10. All my friends are married.
  11. I like to scuba dive.
  12. When I reach my goal weight I am going to eat a whole tube of raw cookie dough.
  13. My greatest accomplishment was becoming a Marine.
  14. I cannot write a short email.
  15. I like to write stories about my life, but I can’t type.
  16. My favorite ice cream is chocolate chip.
  17. I have never been in love.
  18. I wish more people called me just to say “Hi”
  19. I hope the Chiefs win a Superbowl in my lifetime.
  20. I don’t wear glasses.
  21. I have never worn braces on my teeth.
  22. I had tubes put in my ears when I was in the 2nd grade.
  23. I have suffer from hearing loss from the Marine Corps but not enough to get disability.
  24. I act like I am confident but I am not.
  25. I am not as smart as my brothers or sister.
  26. I like to tease little kids.
  27. I am doing laundry today.
  28. I don’t like to fold clothes.
  29. I don’t like to clean, but I do.
  30. My favorite bands are Motley Crue and Bon Jovi.
  31. I am wearing blue sweat pants and a white t-shirt right now.
  32. I wish I would have told no one about this blog, its made some mad.
  33. I have 3, no 4 email addresses (3 personal, 1 work)
  34. I have broken my collar bone and one finger.
  35. I have had surgery on my right ankle.
  36. I have had stitches in my head and knee.
  37. It’s cold in here.
  38. I don’t have any pets.
  39. I like to rock out in my car.
  40. I don’t call people because I am not sure they want to talk to me.
  41. I like talking on the phone.
  42. I don’t add any condiments to my food. I just get it and eat it.
  43. My favorite meal is chicken fried steak, mashed potatoes, gravy, and corn on the cob. If you can make this, and make it well, I will marry you.
  44. I have not had my favorite meal in over a year.
  45. I would swim in Chocolate pudding.
  46. I fell down a full flight of marble stairs and dislocated my left shoulder.
  47. When I pout I stick out my lower lip like a 2 year old.
  48. I can cross my eyes without looking down.
  49. I don’t think I can come up with 100 things.
  50. YEA!! Your half way there!!!
  51. I where boxer briefs underwear.
  52. I only wear white tee shirts under dress shirts.
  53. I get headaches when I drink too much diet coke.
  54. Deleted.
  55. Deleted.
  56. I don’t have a best-friend; it’s a tie between 2 guys, and one girl.
  57. My favorite television shows are Lost, Heroes and Jeopardy!
  58. The # 1 rule for this blog is – don’t ask me about any of the post!!
  59. The # 2 rule is laugh!
  60. I got the idea to do this list from other bloggs.
  61. I started this list on January 1st 2007
  62. Today is March 3, 2007
  63. I like to travel but not alone.
  64. I can’t cook.
  65. But I can do dishes.
  66. My mother is a yeller, so am I, but I don’t like too.
  67. If I had a pet it would be a big dumb hairy, St. Bernard.
  68. I went to Catholic school my entire life.
  69. My baby picture is the best picture I have ever taken.
  70. I love my Tivo.
  71. I don’t like watching sports on a T.V. that does not have Tivo.
  72. Deleted.
  73. Deleted.
  74. I change the music on my space page (its public, check it out) depending on my mood.
  75. I am right handed.
  76. But left brained.
  77. I wish I lived in a bigger city like Chicago, Boston, or New York.
  78. Kansas City will always be home to me.
  79. I read 24 blogs a day.
  80. I know absolutely nothing about women.
  81. Sometimes, I think I should of stayed in the Marine Corps.
  82. This list is not funny. But I think I am.
  83. I used to wear size 9 EEEE shoes, but I now wear size 8.5 E, I have lost weight.
  84. I have lost 60 pounds so far.
  85. I still have a lot to go.
  86. I own a cowboy hat and 2 pairs of cowboy boots, but I never wear them.
  87. I have more girls that are friends, than girlfriends.
  88. Deleted.
  89. Until I lost weight I did not have a date in over 5 years.
  90. A friend once told me that I was her “what if guy”, that was 3 years ago, I still don’t know what she meant.
  91. I own my own house.
  92. My like horror movies.
  93. My favorite color is metallic blue.
  94. My sexual orientation is straight.
  95. I hug and kiss my female friends when I see them. And they reciprocate.
  96. I have been fired twice in 6 months from 2 different companies.
  97. I have not been fired in almost 2 years.
  98. I have quite smoking 3 times in the last 6 months.
  99. It’s tougher than I thought.
  100. I like too run.
  101. I don’t say good-bye, I say see you later.