Welcome, Friends!

For the past few weeks I have been been telling my closest friends about this little blog of mine. Some were shocked, some were worried, most just said "Big deal, your stupid, so will your blog will be stupid". All of them had a LOT of questions. Why? How long have you had it? What do you talk about? What's a blog? Do you have a girlfriend yet? When was last time you got laid? You really need to get laid, don't you? (Thanks to my mom for those last 3 questions) The usual questions like that.

To those of you that are my friends and are now regular readers, Welcome! And thanks for stopping by and reading I appreciate it more than you could know.

I am pretty sure most of them have read at least some of the past post. On Friday of last week (the 23rd) I passed a major milestone. I passed 5,000 hits since I started this blog, and 5,000 hits, in less than a year is a HUGE deal for us bloggers! In February I had over 700 visitors!! The most in a month ever! And I just wanted to say thanks!

But one thing is troubling me, who ever was my 5000th visitor keeps coming in via the February archives. So I need everyone to do one thing for me now. Check your URL (address bar, the place where you type in a web address) now. If you are on the first page or home page it should say (www.the-d-rules.blogspot.com/) if it says any thing other than that then you are not on the first page of the blog. (Click where you see "What the Deuce" at the top and it will take you there).If you just got here from your short cut and it does not say that, then you have the wrong address in your short cut. If you don't change it you will keep going to the February archives and never get to read the newest post, with out going to another page, and then giving me 2 hits (or more) instead or one. (Maybe I should not have said that.)

So to my friends and everyone else that I have never meet, thanks for reading. It really means a lot to me knowing that someone wants to read about my lame-ass life.

Thanks again!!

P.S Take cover Katie "Lady Doomsday" Horner said we were all going to die tonight. (Its raining here is Kansas City)

Dive Weekend Chapter 4: Lessons Learned, Forgotten Stuff, Random Thoughts

In the final chapter to wrap this little shindig up, I thought I would throw in some stuff that I learned, some stuff I forgot, and some random thoughts that I had in my little experience in the mine and the trip as a whole.

First up, let’s discuss the dive experience as a whole. Overall, I would say that it was an excellent time, and would do it everyday of the week and twice on Sunday. The people were very nice and were ready to help if needed. A few of the safety divers came up to me to let me know that because of the lack of experience that I had that they would be keeping an eye on me. Being the awesome dude that I am I said “Why don’t you jerk-offs keep and eye on this” and grabbed my junk. It was pretty sweet at the time, but not to smart, looking back on it.

The safety at the mine was outstanding. All of the divers are master divers (although there was one Apprentice Baiter their, he hoped to pass his test soon to be promoted to Master Baiter real soon) All have been diving for many, many years. If you are worried about safety when you dive then at this place you don’t have to worry about it. If I felt very comfortable (and I am NEVER comfortable around new people) diving there and so should you.

The only draw back to diving there is the temperature of the water. I can’t even put into words how fucking cool that water was and what a total shock to my system (and my testies, a.k.a James Blackfellow, the right one, and Julius Johansson, the left one. They are both very glad to meet you all), it was when I first jumped in the water. I have never experienced such a high shrinkage factor in my life. I felt like an 8 year old boy. But a nice 20 minuet hot shower and some jumping jacks got my boys to drop, and everything was back to their normal position, if you know what I‘m sayin’. So ladies you can stop worrying about them they are just fine.

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When I arrived at Reggie’s house in Overland Park his wife Chrissie made a comment about how much weight I have lost in my face (which of course gave me an instant woody, but that’s beside the point…). I told her thanks and to stop hitting on me right in front of her husband, it’s disrespectful.

As we were sitting around Reggies house just visiting (as my grand mother calls it) Reggie walked past the front of the house and said “The D, your car’s in the street.” The funny part is that he said it like it was no big deal. Like that happens all the time at his house. I really didn’t believe him at the time so about 5 minuets later I get up and check out the drive way and sure enough my car had rolled down his drive and was sitting in the middle of the street. It was, not half way in the street with the front wheels still in the driveway, the WHOLE CAR was in the middle of the street. My first thought was, that ain’t right, did I leave it in gear? Why is my car in the street? Reggie must have done something to my car. But he was in the same room with me the whole time. It had been snowing pretty good for a few hours and it just slid down the slope of the driveway. If Chrissie had not gotten off her ass, like a good wife, and shoveled the drive way it wouldn't have happened. But no one ran into it so it was no big deal. I just went out and moved it. No blood no foul is what I always say.

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I was supposed to have the stuff that I rented back to the dive shop on Monday afternoon, but because I am a moron, I kept forgetting about it and did not get it returned until Wednesday night. But the gravy part of it was that they did not charge me for having it back 2 days late. EXCELLENT I thought.

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One of the reasons I kept running out of air on every dive was because the BCD that I had rented kept leaking air. You see, the vest is connected to the tank via a hose (obviously) so you can put air in the BCD or take it our depending on if you want to sink or float. That crappy BCD just solidifies the whole reason for wanting to get my own gear but the vest it's self is 500 to 750 bucks.

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If you are thinking about getting certified don’t let my experience discourage you from getting it. It’s really a fun sport, but it’s an expensive sport. You could easily drop over 1000 bucks on purchasing your own gear but then you own it and you don’t have to worry about renting substandard stuff again.

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The pictures are up on my space page if you want too check those out (I'm not going to email them) but you will have to be my friend to see them. So come on, you know you want too see them you know you want to be my friend, Please? My page is so lonely.

I had unknowingly set my profile so you would have to know my last name or email address in order to send me a friend request. But I have turned that off so if you tried once before please do it again. I’m really sorry it was set like that, I apologize from the heart of my bottom, it will not happen again. Will you forgive me? Please?

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That was the Dive Quest hope you enjoyed it.

The End

Exciting Times Ahead!!

I am back to working out after 2 weeks off I'm at 193 1/4 pounds. I need to lose 8 pounds to get into the high end of my goal weight range. Which is the same I weighted when I got out of the Marine Corps in 1994 (185 lbs). It will be a bigger milestone than when I broke the 200 lbs mark. The deadline for this endeavor is Friday March 16th. Wish me luck.

But even more exciting (for ya'll) is that I will be staying home for the next 2 weekends. Which means no drunk dialing, drunk texting messaging, drunk emails, drunk posting. Sorry, ladies I know how much you love my drunk dialing, drunk texting, drunk emails, and drunk posting. Especially my buddy Hammer she LOVES them like a junkie loves crack! She can't get enough of 'em!! (that's funny on so many levels I can't even begin to explain it)

"But The D why are you staying home your so awesome to party with? We won't have any fun without you?" I know that is what you are all thinking, but I have a very good reason. You see St.Patricks day is March17th its only the single largest drinking day of the year for us Irish Catholic people and I need to make sure I am 100% focused on the booze, and the Ladies, (wink, wink, nudge, nudge)

Furthermore, I am going to wear my lucky green t-shirt On St. Patty's Day. It's lucky for me because it protects me from getting any STD's. Whenever I wear it I NEVER get laid. Thusly protecting me from STD's. It's the best shirt ever.

Have a good week!

Dive Weekend Chapter 3: The Reckoning

Authors Note: I’m tired of the 3^rd person thing it’s starting to drive me (I mean The D, no wait, I mean him, no wait, they? what huh? I’m confused? Who was I talking about?) crazy. So I’m going to stop it.

On Sunday our first, and only, dive was at 9:00 so we slept in until 8. I of course did not want to get out of bed, not because I was sore or anything like that, quite the contrary I was not sore one bit, mostly because I am one awesome specimen of a human being. But because I was tired and it was a Sunday and I always, ALWAYS sleep in on Sundays (it’s one of the top 10 rules that I live my life by).

During the briefing before the dive, the dive leader, which was a different dude from the day before, was telling us that on this dive we would be going through a series of caves and that we would have rock above our heads for 80% of the dive. I remember thinking “Holy Shit!” I was a little anxious about the two caves that we went though yesterday. He then asked if anyone was freaked out about going into the caves that we went on yesterday’s second dive. I looked at Reggie remembering what I told him the day before after the second dive.

“Dude, going though those caves kinda gives me the he-be-je-bees”.

“The D”, he says. “Stop being such and pussy, get the sand out of your vagina and just do it” He said encouragingly. I don’t like being talked to like that, so I punched him in the face and walked off.

Just as the dive leader asked the question Reggie and I both looked at each other. I just shook my head from side to side and gave him this look as if to say “If you say one word that I was anxious about the caves I will not only murder you. I will murder you BTK style”. Reggie and I have known each other since grade school so we kinda know each other pretty well; needless to say he got the message, and kept his mouth shut. Besides the dive leader asked if any one was “freaked out” I was only anxious, which are 2 very different things in my book.

We then go to the locker room put on our wet suits and, head down to the dock, where we get our tanks and finish putting on our gear. In this dive we had a much smaller group. On the 2 dives yesterday we had a group of about 10-15 divers (counting the dive leader and the safety divers). But today there was us 4 and 2 others from Great Britain (they talked funny) Plus, the dive leader and one safety diver for a total of 8 people on this dive.

This was hands down the best dive out of all of them. I was calm, cool, and confident. I went down to a depth of 50 feet and sat on the floor of the cave for a few moments and finally had a few minuets to just relax and enjoy the surrounding. I remember thinking that just about 50 years ago or so that miners were busting there humps to get lead out of these rocks. As I was looking around just sitting there I saw some mule cart tracks, a few hand tools (chisels, hammers, picks) and a miner’s helmet. As we were swimming from one cave to another at a depth of 45 feet, I was maybe 5 feet off the floor, when I saw something bright green in the distance on the floor. I swam down to it and realized that it was a kids Frankenstein mask that someone had left behind. Weird, I thought, really weird, why would someone bring a mask like that and just place it there on the cave floor? Fucking litter bugs.

This dive felt more like we were just swimming around underwater and less like we were being rushed though a maze of rocks. We could actually hang out and “talk to each other” (using hand signals) instead of having to constantly watch the dive leader. Dives like these are the whole reason that I got into the sport in the first place.

But of course I was not concentrating on my breathing, so I was using more air than anyone else. At the second safety check the dive leader again separated me from the rest of the group, pointed to my air gage. And gave me the surface hand signal (basically it’s just a thumbs up). “OHH COME ON!! I’m out of air again?!” I say rolling my eyes. I take my time surfacing by just inflating my BCD slowly. A safety diver comes up with me and tells me that I can just stay at the surface and follow the rest of the group back to the dock while floating on the surface. I just inflate my BCD all of the way so that it acts like a life preserver. I take out my regulator and just watch the other diver from above as we all swim back to the dock.

After the dive we all changing back into our street clothes and agreed that the last dive was the best dive of the weekend. We changed back into our street clothes, packed all of our gear back into the truck for the anticipated 4 hour drive back to Kansas City. But before we left we thought it would be a good idea to stop by the gift shop and pick up some souvenirs to remember the trip. As with any souvenir shop everything was over priced, just as I had anticipated but I went ahead and bought a tee shirt for 20 bucks. Reggie almost bought a statue of a diver but then thought his wife would freak out if he paid 70 bucks for it. Not because it was 70 bucks but because it was ugly, so he didn’t get it. Everyone else bought stuff for their kids and wives, but as you all know I don’t have a wife or kids, so I got out of there with only dropping the 20 bucks on the tee shirt.

On the drive home we stopped at Imo's Pizza, which is the best pizza EVER! As we were getting gas I was telling Curtis that when I lived in St. Louis my fastest time from my mother’s house in Overland Park to my apartment in St. Louis was 3 hours and 10 minuets and challenged him to beat it. He said he could beat that time easy. But I did not tell him that I accomplished such an amazing feat (it’s usually a 3.5 hour trip if you do the speed limit) at night and that there was no traffic.

While Curtis was doing his best Dale Erenhart impersonation on I-55 the rest of us, Reggie, Larry, and my self were settling in to watch few movies. The first movie was American Pie 5: The Naked Mile HI-LAROUIS!! This is a definite must see. The best part of the movie was the overabundance of some really awesome boobies, and in my book a movie could not have too many boobies, it a great move and I highly recommend it, if you like boobies and I do so hit your local movie house and rent it.

The second movie in our double feature was The Departed, Starring Leo, Jack Nicholson, Matt Damond, and Mark Walburg. This move was awesome! Lots of killing and violence (I don’t think there was anyone that did not get shot in the head). Great story and very well written. It should defiantly win the Oscar (mostly because that is the only movie that I have seen that is up for an Oscar tonight).

Back to the Missouri 500 that Curtis was apparently trying to win. When we got to the intersection of I-270 and I-64 in St. Louis, I leaned up too look at the clock and told him that the time was starting now and the he had until 5 o’clock to get to Larry’s house it was 1:45 p.m. He said he would beat it my time like a rented mule. I said “That time is more like a limp dick, you can try but you just can’t beat it.” At one point in the drive back I leaned up to have a gander at the speedometer. I looked at Reggie and told him we are going 95 mph, in a SUV on I-70 which is just insane! He just might do it I thought. But then we hit the traffic that was coming back to Kansas City from St. Louis for Mardi Gras.

[The Saint Louisans like to claim that they have the second largest Mari Gras in the county, but we all know that New Orleans is the place to go if you want to party during Mardi Gas. Going from Mardi Gras in New Orleans to the St. Louis version of Mardi Gras is like going from the Super Bowl to Pee-wee flag football, you just can’t compare the two.]

We arrived at Larry’s house at 5:05 he missed it by just 5 min, I told him “Maybe next time Dale, maybe next time”.

I took Reggie home then made my way to my house, I got home unloaded my gear and hung up my still wet wet suit in the shower to dry overnight, and laded down on the couch to catch up on some T.V. shows that I had missed.

Up next: Chapter 4: Lessons Learned, Forgotten Stuff, Random Thoughts

best. post. ever.

worst.

hangover.

ever.

Does anyone know why I found my pants outside on my front porch this morning? With them still zipped up and the belt still buckled?

Friday Quickie

The Friday quickie is where I am going to post stuff that I think is cool.

But I am not going to say much about them, hense the "quickie".

That is pretty fucking cleaver I think.

So go here, and laugh your as off, you might even pee a little.

I did.

Dive Weekend" Chapter 2 Claustrophobia!

Chapter 2: Claustrophobia!

After returning to the dock our Hero changed and waited on the other divers to return. While waiting he disconnected his now empty tank and returned it to be refilled. He also changed into street clothes and waited for the others to get back. The dive leader said we had an hour and a half for lunch and to be back at the classroom at noon. The D, Curtis, and Larry went to lunch while Reggie stayed behind and tried to figure out why his dive computer was not working properly. The D does not know what a dive computer does other than tell you the depth that you are at but he does know that it looks like birthday cake sitting on your arm. They are HUGE!

After lunch they returned to the locker room and then assembled back at the classroom for another short briefing about the second dive. On this second dive they would be going under rock ceilings and a few caves that have names like “The Grand Canyon”, “The Chapel”, and “The Cathedral”. “Big deal” he thinks “As long as I don’t have to jack with my mask again I’m golden!”

Back at the dock after the briefing, putting on a wet wet suit is no picnic, nor a walk in the park. It’s like taking a frozen condom and trying to put it on your bird, NOT easy, (What? You mean ya’ll don’t freeze your condoms? You should, they will stay fresher longer.) On the second dive, The D is committed to being the first diver in the water. He rushes, has Reggie check his gear and makes his way to the waters edge, and jumps in the water.

The water still takes his breath way. But the freak out is only at level 3 instead of the max level of 10 as it was in the previous dive. After everyone had gotten in the water and made their way to the rally point the dive leader gives the all clear hand signal and they start to descend to about 25 feet below the surface. As he descends our diver sees the size of the cavern that they are going to pass thought and gets a little freaked out. “Cavern? That isn’t a cavern, that’s more like a mouse hole”. The freak out level is now a solid 5. As each of the divers pass thought the “cavern” it’s clear that it’s big enough for any average size person to fit though. “Dam it’s a good thing I’ve lost 55 pounds” he reminds himself. As he is deciding weather to pass thought the hole he reminds himself “Shit this is stupid, getting freaked out about a little cave. So what that there is no where to surface if my tank sprouts a leak, or if a rock falls on my head or, God forbid, there is a total collapse of the cave. I am a Marine and I can do anything, so lets just get the fuck moving and show this cave who’s boss!” (When the fuck did The D become claustrophobic? He’s not afraid of small spaces. Except for the crawl space under his house but that’s not because of the confinement it’s because of all the nasty little critters lurking under there.) With that little speech his confidence is at an all time high for the trip so far. He resumes his usually stellar attitude and marches thought the hole.

At the first safety check he learns that he has only 500 p.s.i of air left in his tank, which according to the safety briefing, before the first dive is, only about 5-10 minutes of air left so he is a little considered. The dive leader separates him and another diver from the rest of the group, like a teacher separating two problem children from the rest of the class. He must surface and swim back to the dock. He has to cut this trail short again. He surfaces along with another diver and a safety diver and they swim back to the dock.

He is disappointed that he has to cut another dive short and talks to one of the safety divers about the amount of air that is put in to the tanks. Maybe he is just not getting a full tank? The safety diver assures him that every tank is filled to capacity, every tank has the same amount of air in them. He tells him that some people take unusually deep breaths while diving and suggest that this is what he is doing. He suggests that in the next dive he concentrate on taking shallower breaths and try to breathe normally. “Breath normally? I’m under 25 feet of water how the hell am I supposed to breath normally. Jerk. Besides I like to sound like Darth Vader when I breath.” He thinks as he is waiting on the rest of the dive group.

As the rest of the group arrives they all go back to the locker rooms and change back into street clothes.

They went back to the hotel and decided to meet back in the lobby at 6:30 to go to dinner. He really wanted to see the final score of the KU vs. Nebraska game, but just as they were arriving back at the hotel, Aphrodite texted him the final score of the game. Man, that's an ass-whipping, but he is glad he did not watch the game because he thinks blowouts like that are boring games.

Curtis, Reggie, and Larry had dove (dived?) in the mine before so they knew the lay of the land and were talking about this place to eat for dinner that had all you can eat ribs. Hell yea, The D was defiantly down for a truck load of ribs, especially after a day of diving and an awesome freak out episode. They arrive at the establishment of which, he forgets the name, but he does remember that it was just south of Boone Terre, maybe Farmington. Either way it makes no difference. There was about a 5 min wait to be seated, not too bad for what looked like a mom and pop run restaurant.

They all sat down and ordered our drinks ice tea for everyone, except The D, he doesn’t like iced tea, sweetened or unsweetened, its nasty either way (but not as nasty as pickles). The D is the difficult one and orders a diet Coke, his fav. The waitress name was Jenna, just like the porn star but she did not look like her at all. They all agreed that they are here for the all you can eat, at $10.95 is just like a limp penis, you can’t beat it! He loads up his plate with 2 ribs, 2 pieces of chicken, some pulled pork, some deep fried cat fish, and an ear of corn on the cob. All of which were very tasty once they were in his tummy. As he was finishing the first plate off, and deciding on whether or not to get another plate full, something wonderful happened.

Larry came back from the salad bar with what looked like pudding on his plate. Larry was talking about the days dives or whatever.

“What is that?” The D points while interrupting rudely.

“Is that pudding? Is that vanilla or tapioca?” The D commands.

“Umm, I think it’s vanilla.” Larry answers cautiously and then tastes it.

“Yup, vanilla” he informs The D.

“Where is it? Is it on the salad bar? Do they have more? Did you take all of it? Do they have chocolate?” The D questions but does not wait for the answers.

He must know more about this pudding situation, because if there is one thing that The D loves in this world is chocolate pudding. Chocolate pudding is one of the top 3 things that he loves in this world. Not the top 3 foods, mind you, or even the top 3 favorite dairy based products, it’s in the top 3 favs of everything! If there was a suit made of chocolate pudding it would be the only thing he would wear. He loves chocolate pudding so much that it is actually a prerequisite for a woman to know how to make a it (and make it well) to be placed on the “potential wife list” which is a VERY selective list.

He makes a b-line for the salad bar knocking down some old broad, and screaming “Move Bitch!”, to get to the salad bar before anyone else hears of this pudding, thusly avoiding the stampede to said location of the pudding. He surveys the bowl situation, oh, hell no those bowls won’t do, entirely too small. The D falls back on his Marine Corps training and overcomes and improvises, and goes for the classic Daffy Duck slice.

[For those of you that do not know what a “Daffy Duck Slice” is, allow me to elaborate. A Daffy Duck slice is when you slice a price of cake (or whatever) but instead of taking that smaller slice you take the larger slice, or the remainder of the cake. It’s quite entertaining at a kids birthday parties when you slice the cake and leave the little piece for all the kids to fight over. Saying “O.K. you little fuckers have at it!” And walk off with the big piece of cake. Hours of laughter right there let me tell you.]

He takes a small bowl and begins to fill it up. He then takes the smaller bowl, that is now full of chocolate pudding. He places the smaller bowl where the larger bowl used to be and takes the larger bowl back to his seat. He turns to the next person, who is an 80 year old grand mother type of person, in line who is quite shocked at what she has just seen transpire in front of her and he says. ”What? Its all you can eat? Go fuck yourself ya old Bitch.”

While shoveling in the chocolate pudding into the open orifice on his face The D reminds everyone in the restaurant that “It’s all you can eat, you slack jawed yokels, so stop staring at me or I will kill you all!” He then laughs “Muwahahahahah, It’s mine it’s all mine!!!! MUWAHAHAHAHA!!!! Starts to cough and passes out with his face in the pudding. Death by chocolate pudding now THAT, is how I want to go.

After dinner they went and played a couple games of pool and had a few beers at a local pool hall. The D is not a good pool player he never has been and doesn’t play it enough to get good at it much like golf. He likes to play it but get very frustrated when he doesn’t play well. The rest of the crew was constantly complaining about the people smoking and how smokey it was in the bar. As a former smoker it really was not that bad, the smoke doesn't bother him. Most likely because both of his parents smoked and his mother still does, and if you ever speak to her about quitting she will murder you. “It’s my life and it’s my body I’ll do what I want. I tell you kids (we are all in our 30’s and she still calls us kids) what to do , you don’t tell me what to do, so SHUT UP!”

They were all pretty worn out from the late night last night and getting up at the crack of dawn (dawn is a bitch by the way) this morning so they called it quits by 9:00 and headed back to the hotel.

To Be Continued…

Next Chapter 3: The Reckoning!

Joke Thursday

A penis said to the balls, "Get ready. We’re going to a party."
"You fucking liar," the balls said. "You always get in and leave us outside."

Three truck drivers died and met St. Peters at the Pearly Gates. There was a JB Hunt, a Wal Mart, and an ole bull hauler truck driver.
St. Peters said, "I’m going to ask you 2 questions, I want you to answer them honestly."
He asked the JB Hunt and Wal Mart driver, "Have you ever cheated on your log books?"
They replied, "No sir."
St. Peters asks, "Have you ever cheated on your wife?"
They replied, "No we sure have’nt."
St. Peters says, "You 2 go to door #1."
The ole bull hauler walks up there and St. Peters asks, "Have you ever cheated on your log book?"
The ole bull hauler replies, "Fuck yes I have, drove from New York to L.A. and never wrote down an hour either way."
St. Peters asks, "Have you ever cheated on your wife?"
The ole bull hauler replies, "Oh hell yes, there’s this bitch in Kansas City that gives the best blow job in the world!"
St. Peters tells him, "You go to door #2."
The ole bull hauler strolls over and looks back at St. Peters, "Why am I going to door #2 and those 2 assholes are going to door #1?"
St. Peters replies, "Cause those 2 are going to hell for lying and you and I are going to Kansas Ciy!"

WTF?

I am very busy today at work. Would you stop bothering me, please?

I have done some dumb things in my life but I am not this stupid. Why whoud someone want to even think about doing this?

Rock Chalk

Today, I am so busy at work that I downloaded a new ringtone for my cell phone. It's the most awesome ringtone EVER!! YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW!!!

It's the Rock Chalk Chant and you too can Download it from Cingular.com

If you have my number call me so I can go stand next to my boss (a Mizzou grad) and make him cry like a 2 year old.

You K-staters and Mizzou Jerks and SUCK IT!!

Dive Weekend Chapter 1: The First Dive, The Death Dive

Authors note: This is the first chapter of a 4 part review of my weekend. I did write it. I am not dead. You can see a slide show on my space page. But you have to me my friend to see it.

The D

Our story begins on Friday February 16th our hero (The D) left work early to prepare for the trip. He got home, ate lunch, and packed his clothes and sent some last minuets emails to friends telling them how excited he was about the trip. He left the house about 4 o’clock to swing by the dive shop to pick up the gear that he had to rent, wet suit, regulator and BCD. He arrived at Reggie’s house at 5:15 which was right on time. They had a bit of a lay over because Reggie’s brother, Curtis, was running surprisingly late. They left the house and joined the rest of the Friday evening commuters trying to make their way to various destinations.

The weather was cold and snowing, the roads were snow covered and quite treacherous. Traffic was going to be a major factor in the drive across Missouri to the dive location.

After leaving Curtis house they still had one last person to pick up. After picking up our 4^th person, Larry, they were ready to hit the road. The travel time was expected to be around 4-5 hours it took them 7 hours. To pass the time they watched School for Scoundrels, (this movie was really lame but they had nothing better to do and it did make the drive more bearable but The D does not recommend it. (Unless it’s in the $0.99 bin) it was quite lame), another movie they watched was Not Another Teen Movie, which they had all seen but it was still entertaining.

The traffic on I-70 was horrible, there must have been at least 50 cars that had spun out and were then stuck in the snow. The average speed from Kansas City to Columbia could not have been much faster than 25-30 mph.

They arrived in Columbia, (The STD capital of the state, and not surprisingly the home of the University of Missouri) at 11 o’clock, stopped for 30 minuets to eat dinner at Ruby Tuesday (The D had the Chicken Parmesan, yummy, in his belly), it was quite tasty and really hit the spot.

The remainder of the trip to the final destination was uneventful and boring. The D slept for most of the remainder of the trek. They finally arrived at the Super 8 Hotel in Bonne Terre, Missouri at 2:30 in the morning, checked-in and went to bed.

Reveille came early at 6:00 a.m., but with the excitement of the days activities ahead our hero nearly jumped out of bed filled with the joy the can only be compared to an 8 year old on Christmas morning. They showered, had a quick bite to eat at the Huddle House, which was just across the parking lot from the hotel, loaded up the SUV and made there way the Dive location.

The dive location was called The Bonne Terre Mine an underground lead mine that had hit a spring in 1960 it has been slowly filling with water ever since. They even have to pump out water every year or the mine would totally flood.

After filling out some short standard paperwork our divers went in to a small classroom for a short briefing detailing what trail they would take and what was expected of them, and also what to expect from the dive leader and the safety divers. The group was made up of about 10-15 divers all with various degrees of experience.

The D had the least experience but had the oldest qualification date on his license out of everyone in the group. He had obtained his certification in 1992 while stationed in Okinawa, Japan with the Marine Corps, but had not been diving since then. Needless to say, as the time to get in the water grew closer he became more and more anxious. Butterflies were starting to get to him. His palms started sweating his stomach started to do summer-salts, the dry heaving began and when this happened nothing good can come from it.

After the briefing they made there way to the locker room to change in to the wet suits and make their way underground to the dive dock. The walk down was about 0.5 mile in total distance, descending though the doors of the mine the humidity and the smell of stale water hits you in the face like 4 year old girl, not too tough but you can defiantly feel it.

At the dock everyone grabbed a tank of air and finished getting ready to “get wet”. Hooking their tanks to their BCD’s and checking each others gear. Depending on what type of dive suit (dry or wet) this could be a 2 person job. The D walked over to the waters edge to clean his mask, dipping his mask and hand into the water he nearly shit his suit. “HOLY FUCKING DOG SHIT THAT WATER IS FREEZING!!!” he thought. They had told everyone in the briefing that the water was a constant 56 degrees. But HOLD SHIT you don’t really understand how fucking cold that is until you feel it. People don’t even DRINK water that is that cold. The nerves just increased 10 fold. Now he is starting to freak out over how cold the water is going to feel. He finished dressing and has his good buddy Reggie check his gear, tuck in his hood and make sure that he had connected his air and regulator correctly.

He walks to the dock puts his hand over his mask and takes the plunge. The cold of the water takes his breath way and he states to hyperventilate, the freak out is going full throttle! He surfaces, and grabs a hold of the dock. Tries to catch his breathe. “Breathe you idiot, breathe, he says to himself” “Relax, relax, relax”, he repeats as the shock of the water temperature overcomes him. He is stunned. Like an opponent of George Forman must have felt when getting whaled upon by a series of haymakers.

A few minuets pass and the freak out starts to subside but it is still there, lying just under the surface, lurking, like a killer in a slasher movie. Our Hero knows that if anything goes wrong from here on out it will be back with full furry of a cyclone and the vengeance of a tornado!!

The group is floating about 50 yards just off the dock and want to get on with the first of the day. It seams that The D is the only one that is being affected by the water temperature. He collects himself and joins the group.

At the first safety stop they descend to a depth of 20 feet and form a circle around the dive leader, while the safety divers hover above and just outside of the circle. At this intermission the dive leaders require some basic safety checks. The divers have to flood their mask and then put air back into it order to see though the mask. (This is a common practice, if your mask gets knocked off during a dive, for what ever reason, or if your mask does not have a tight seal on your face.) The dive leader starts with the first person on his right, sadly it’s The D.

He takes a few breaths and pulls his mask off just enough to flood it. The water rushes in like a runaway freight train, the cold water makes him forget all of his training. He panics, starts to hyperventilate again, removes his regulator from his mouth. He is past the total freak out, he is in full panic mode and he knows it! “FUCK, I’M TOTALLY FREAKING OUT! I’M PANICKING I HAVE TO SURFACE NOW!!! OR I’M DONE, I’M DEAD, I CAN’T GO OUT LIKE THIS!! MY MOM WILL BE PISSED!! NOT TO MENTION MY FRIEND, SHE TOLD ME NOT TO DROWN AND IF I DO SHE WON’T COME TO MY FUNERAL!!” (He is always thinking of others even at the time of his death. Now awesome is that!)

The dive leader shoves the regulator back in his mouth. The D starts to give the surface NOW hand signal and begins to inflate his BCD. The dive leader grabs The D’s BCD and holds on to him trying to calm him down letting the diver know that he is there and he is there to help him. He pushes on The D’s mask trying to get a seal against his face and starts to tap the D’s nose. He is confused “Why is the asshole touching my hose? Lets get to the surface fuck face!! I’m totally panicking can’t you see that?” His eyes are still closed tighter that a virgins legs on a first date.

They surface, he is couching and spitting up more water that the J.C. Nichols fountain. A safety diver also surfaces and calms him down telling him to leave everything on and to leave the regulator in his mouth.

“Take deep breaths relax your O.K. Fill up your BCD. How do you feel? What happened? What went wrong?” The safety diver asks.

“I couldn’t get my mask to clear.” The D answers still out of breath and coughing up water.

“Did you have a good seal?” She questions

“I think so” he replies

“Were you blowing out your nose or mouth?”

The money question! He knows that he was blowing out of his mouth. As soon as she asked the question he remembers that he should have been blowing out of his nose. He feels like a fool, like a kid that gets called to the front of the class and misspells a word on the chalk board. Total idiot!

With the near death episode behind him our Hero is now having another problem at the surface. He can’t get his balance. He keeps rotating while floating on the surface. It’s the weight belt, is keeps shifting. He can’t get his balance. And has to exert a lot of energy just to keep facing the safety diver, they swim over to a rock ledge and he removes the weight belt, and hands it to her. She takes it and adjusts the weights so they stop slipping and rotating while he has them on. Another safety diver comes over and relives the first one so she can join the dive group. He tells The D that if he wants to continue with the dive he still has to show him that he can clear his mask and switch regulators. “WHAT ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? I ALMOST FUCKING DIED YOU ASSHAT, AND YOU WANT ME TO DO IT AGAIN?” The D thinks, but says “O.K. I was just not ready for that cold ass water”.

“Great, we can Go when ever you’re ready” he says.

The D collects himself by taking off his mask and putting his head underwater so he will not have the shock of the cold water hitting his face.

“Lets light this candle!” The D boasts.

They swim out and descend back to the original spot. The safety diver is right in front of him. First they swap regulators. Success! They switch regulators without issue. Next flood and clear the mask. Deep breath the flooding part goes well. He presses the mask to his face to get a good seal, forces himself to blow out of his nose. Much like blowing your nose on your sleeve. (What? Like you’ve never blown you nose on your sleeve, shut up). With a little difficulty he does it. “YEA!! How you like me now!” He thinks.

They rejoin the rest of the dive group just before the first safety check area. There the dive leader checks everyone’s air gauge to make sure they have enough air to continue the rest of the trail. The D’s air is of course low because of all the freaking out and panicking he did earlier. He has to surface and then swim back to the dock followed by a safety diver.

The first dive lasted about 45 minuets of which 38:56 minuets were spent freaking out so the D got a little jipped on that dive. But it was his own fault.

To be continued….

In our next episode, Chapter 2: The Second Dive: Claustrophobia!… (Scary music, da, da, dummmm)

Friday Quickie

This one is for the dudes (and the ladies if your in to that kind of thing, and if you are call me I want to watch)

The 2007 Brigade Girls are out and HOT!!

Tell you boss to shut the fuck up and cancel those boring Friday meetings. You just need to relax and ENJOY!!

You're welcome.

P.S my fav is Michelle the saucy red head. MMEEEEOOOWWW!!

Monday Physical

I had a physical on Monday morning which I was NOT looking forward too. The appointment was for 7:30 I had to fast for 12 hours, which was no big deal cause I eat at about 6 on Sunday night.

[Sunday was my younger brothers 33rd birthday. We had dinner at his Father-in-laws house in Oklahoma, he lives at 157th and Nall but from my house it might as well been in Oklahoma. As with previous birthdays in my family we brothers don't get each other anything not even cards. We just show up for the free meal and harass the little kids. Or at least I do.]

Back the doctors appointment. I got to his office at exactly 7:30 a.m. where I checked in with the receptionist. She gave me a form to fill out as per their usual procedure. I always have to fill out the same form every time I see him. The form is basically a list of symptoms that I have non of so the answer to every question is no. I have filled out the form so many times this year that I don't even bother reading it any more. Its quite lame.

I do that give it back to the lady and take a seat and wait about 5 min before my favorite nurse Farrah comes thru the door and calls my name. She escorts me to the scale where she says:

"So you're here for a physical, huh?"

"Nope, just to wanted to see you" I reply sarcastically.

She just gives me this "fuck you" glare. She obviously was not in the mood for flirting.

"First thing I need is a urine sample." She orders

"First thing? That must mean you're going to need a second. What is the second thing".

"D.N.A" She said's with a smile and a wink.

"EXCELLENT" I command!

I go in to the bathroom room and or course I don't have to pee whatsoever but I do have too poop. So I just take a seat and relax everything and low and behold I pee so I grab the cup and filler up. I put the cup in the little window deally thingy and rejoin Farrah in the hallway. We then go into this room that has a chair that looks like a dentist chair.

"Have a seat, and roll up your sleeve" She orders. (she's very bossy)

"I thought you wanted D.N.A?" I question.

"I do, your blood ya horn dog."

"You tease" I exclaimed.

"Shut up you knew what I was talking about."

So I get in the chair, roll up my sleeve. While she gets all of the stuff to take my blood.

She sits on the stool, pulls the tray over takes out this needle, swabs my, left arm, and says:

"O.K. ready? Little prick"

"How do you know? You've never even seen it?" I say surprisingly.

She practically fell out off her stool. She was laughing so hard. She almost stabbed herself with the needle. Then I start thinking of all these other smart-ass answers like:

"I bet you say that to all the boys."

Or.

"No thank you."

Or. My fave.

"Maybe you have a big vagina" But that one does not really apply to this situation.

Once she recovered she went about her business of taking my DNA.

"When was your last physical? Farrah asked.

"1994 when I was discharged from the Marine Corps."

"Marine Corps huh? What did you do"

"Infantry" I boast proudly.

"Ever kill any one?"

"I cannot confirm nor deny that statement" I say jokingly.

She sees right though that answer and ask "Where were you stationed?"

"I spent 3 years at Camp Pendelton, 6 months in Okinawa Japan, and 6 months aboard the USS Peleliu"

This kind of meaningless chit-chat went on for about 5 or 10 more minutes.

We then go to an exam room. I sit down.

"I am going to take your family history". She says

"Where are you going to take it?" I say.

"Umm, right here, right now?"

"O.K. but WHERE are you going to take it I kind need it."

She rolls her eyes and shakes her head. She is obviously grown annoyed with my jokes. We get though the family history. And she leaves and says the Doctor will be in in a few minuets.

"I don't have to get in some lame gown or anything?"

"Not unless you like to where gowns"

"Nope".

She leaves I sit.

The Doctor comes in and we basically start talking about my health and stuff I might be at high risk for because of genetics and lifestyle and all that kind of stuff. Then we get to my weight loss and diet, he seamed really impressed with the weight loss, 55 lbs since September 1st thankyouverymuch! Then he tell me to get on the table and lay down. Where he started to pock and prod my body, just like doctors do. he Checks my testes for abnormalities, and check me for hernia. (FYI ladies everything is fine with my genitals so you don't have anything to worry about.)

Then the best part of the entire morning happens in a single sentence said by the doctor

"Because their is no prostate cancer in your family, and your still pretty young I will NOT have to do a rectal exam".

My reaction:

"That is THE BEST NEWS EVER IN THE HISTORY OF ALL NEWS!!"

My cholesterol is high at 203 but it is not dangerously high so I don't have to go on any medication for it. I just have to keep losing weight. And my blood pressure wan high again so he wants me to buy a BP machine which I really don't want to do. I think the higher readings are from being nervous in a doctors office.

He did recommend that I enroll in a program they have that is not covered by insurance and cost 700-900 bucks. It's a 60 day fitness and weight loss program Where they run a shit load of test and tell you a lot about your body. Like how many calories you burn when resting and how may calories you burn when working out. They also tell you what your body fat percentage is and what it should be for my age and height. They also have a nutritionist meet with you and go over your labs and taylor a very specific diet for your weight loss goals. They guarantee that you will lose 3" off your waist and 25% of your body fat.

It sounds like a great program but I don't have 1000 bucks just sitting around so I will have to wait until I do my taxes and get my refund (if any) to decide if I am going to do it.

I prolly will but not until after St. Patrick's Day. Which is a HUGE party day here in Kansas City, Plus it's on a Saturday so its going to be extra big this year. Plus Aphrodite is coming in town for it so I VERY excited about that.

I have more to tell but you will have to come back tomorrow.

See ya then.

Friday Quickie

I think this is funny and thought you would too, from the Kansas City Star web site:

At a House Foreign Affairs Committee hearing, Rep. Gary Ackerman criticized how the military discharged scarce Arabic and Farsi translators after finding they were gay.

“For some reason, the military seems more afraid of gay people than … terrorists,” commented the New York Democrat. “If the terrorists ever got a hold of this information, they’d get a platoon of lesbians to chase us out of Baghdad.”
Autor Note: Being former Marine I can say we are not afraid of the Geys' we are affraid of their cocks falling into our assholes!

Joke Thursday

A female TV reporter arranged for an interview with a farmer, seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease.

The Lady: "Good evening, sir. I am here to collect information on the possible source of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?"

The Farmer stared at the reporter and said: "Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?"

The lady reporter (obviously embarrassed): "Well, sir, that's a new piece of information, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?"

The Farmer: "And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?"

The reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?"

The Farmer: "I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?"

Terror In The Heartland!

A couple of tanker trucks exploded at a chemical plant in the west bottoms about 2 p.m today but of course I did not hear about it until 3:00 (because I was taking a shit from 2:05 to 2:55, more on that later) when I did my usual 3 o’clock break routine. First, I always check out Myspace.com too see if I have any new friends, sadly no one has requested me to be there friend since I started the dam thing almost 2 weeks ago. (Whats’ a dude gotta do to get a friend request in this town?)

Second I cruise thru all of those blogs you see on the right. I heard about the fire on Tony’s blog (which is where I get all of my breaking news and most of my minority jokes). I then wanted to find out more so I then hit up the best news channel in town. KCTV 5 (Our CBS affiliate). Sure they blow everything out of proportion, and make a simple story seem like, if you miss it then they will send Hitler's SS after you. But who doesn’t? Plus I think they have the hottest chick reporters in town (Helllllooo have you seen Sophia Wharton? She is smokin’,) (Did you just get that joke? You see there was a fire and I just said Sophia was smokin’ HAY-O!) Although I do have to admit that it is a little weird watching the news with my pants on for a change. Kind nice, but wired.

Wait, what was I talking about? I lost my train of thought? Oh yea, the fire in the west or was it the east bottoms anyway there was an explosion in some one's bottoms.

I have a friend that works for Commerce Bank downtown and she says that stuff was falling from the sky.

I said “Stuff? What kind of stuff?”

She said “I don’t know stuff”

I said “What do you mean stuff, like dildos and pocket vibrators or what?”.

Click.

I have been watching the news on 2 different network web sites Channel 5 (CBS, www.kctv5.com) and Channel 41 (NBC, www.kshb.com) mostly because I could not remember if Fox 4 (Ummm, that would be FOX www.myfoxkc.com) or Channel 9 (ABC www.thekansascitychannel.com) had helo’s or not (FYI they both do, I just looked). I had one on each monitor and kept muting one so I could hear the other for about 10 min and was really enjoying myself (without touching myself inappropriately at the work place, I know who would of though some one could have a good time with out touching ones genitalia) and did not have a care in the world then the bottom fell out.

Channel 5 brought in that weather skank Katie Horner, we in K.C. call her “Lady Domesday” or at least I do. I don’t know what anyone else calls her, because no one talks to me.

Katie goes in to this bit about how the smoke was climbing up to an altitude of 2000 feet and then the winds at that level were blowing at 10 mph. Then she starts talking about where and when this toxic smoke will be in YOUR neighborhood. And what to do about it. That is when the freak out begins. She practically gave my address on the air!! And I quote "If you live anywhere near the intersection of Westport Road (43rd on the Kansas side) and Rainbow you will need to take PRECAUTIONS regarding your air quality. HOLY FUCKING SHIT ON A SHINGLE!!! Did she just tell me that I was going to die if I breathed in the crap? How the fuck does she know that? I know those weather peeps are smart, but come on do you really expect me to shut off my furnace, so no out side air gets in my house? It's 12 degrees for cryin out loud! Where is Ron Burgundy when you need him?

I just got home it's a little after 6:00 some updates:

1. The smoke is not toxic. When I heard that I almost had an orgasm. And not just a standard orgasm, I talking about one of those orgasm where you pass out, fall down and hit your head on the living room coffee table and fall in to comma, it feels so good.

2. I don't have a # 2. I took a #2 earlier (weren't you listening?

3. If this fucks up LOST I am seriously going to go apeshit on someone's head down at channel 9.

That is it for me folks. Come back tomorrow for the Joke of the Day.

I Was so Bored I ...

If it was possible to die of boredom I would of kicked the bucket on Sunday. Do we really need 6 fucking hours of pregame for the Superbowl? And that was from just one network!! Espn, The NFL Network and CBS all had at least 6 hours of pregame going before the game. I mean holy fuck who can watch that much pregame bullshit!

I was so bored that I did laundry, took a shower (not because I needed one but because I was bored.) I slept for 12 hours on Saturday night /Sunday morning so I could not even take a fucking nap.

I was so bored I called a few friends but because they are fucking assholes they did not call me back, those rude fuckers. When people don't call me back it makes me what to punch them in the face.

I did not leave the house except to workout and get food. Its just too fucking cold. Speaking of cold in Embarrass, Minnesota it was -42 degrees this morning. That was the temperature NOT the wind chill. HOLY SHIT!! That is fucking cold.

Have you ever wanted to just walk up to a random stranger and punch the square in the face?

No? Really? I have.

Work, My Space, KU, Scuba Diving, Cyst

Howdy, How was your weekend mine was pretty uneventful its just too cold to do anything. But I do have some news.

On Wednesday of last week I get a meeting request from my boss. I think no big deal, I notice that he sent it to all of us detailers. So I think we are all going to get yelled at for something that I had nothing to do with but that always happens, no biggie. I started to think of a joke or some smart-ass comments to say during the meeting but decided not to say any of them because I thought they might go over like a pregnant pole vaulter, so I kept my mouth shut.

I get to the meeting and some other dude is there that I have never meet. Come to find out that it is the vice president of our division (which I call "The Awesome Division"). Any way, you know that super bonus I got in December of last year? Go here to read about it. Well apparently most everyone that got that kind of bonus (me included) said that it was great and all but, we sure could use that money on our weekly pay checks instead of all at one time (the government took all most half of that bonus any way). So the higher ups got to talking and decided to do just that.

So, everyone gets a "wage adjustment" prorated back to the beginning of the year. They kept stressing that it was NOT a raise but I kept thinking, that if I am getting more in my paycheck every week then it's a raise. Mine works out to $1.24 more an hour. If you have been keeping track that is a $2.00 an hour raise that I have gotten in the last 2 months. That's why my company was voted one of the top 10 companies in the Kansas city Metro area to work for last year.

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I told ya'll about how I am doing some engineering of the fire sprinkler system for 2 projects that I am working on a few days ago. Well, I decided that I will do these 2 projects and not complain, but when they bring me another one to do I am going to talk to my boss about getting paid an engineers wage for it. I think that its only fair, that if I do engineers job I get paid an engineers wage, right? If they tell me no then I am not going to do it. They highered me to be a detailer, NOT an engineer. They are asking me to do things that, although I am defiantly qualified to do, it is not in my job description. I think I have a pretty good argument for a raise, but we shall see. I would even be good with a split wage pay me one wage when I engineer a fire sprinkler system and another when I am just detailing. But I don't think that is company policy but I will ask anyway.

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I did some more updating to my myspace page over the weekend so check that out.

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I just can't get over how KU lost that game Saturday night they were up by 10 with 2 minuets remaining and they lost by 3 lousy points. It's a good thing I didn't go even though the rest of my crew went I decided to stay home.

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I went swimming on Saturday. Actually, it was a refresher course for my scuba diving. I am going scuba diving in the caves in Bonne Terre Missouri over Feb 17 weekend. Which should be really great I am looking forward to it. I am going with Reggie, his brother and a couple of people I don't know. Should be a lot of fun.

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My cyst is all gone and 100% healed, thanks for all of your prayers and concerns over this difficult time. I know it was touch and go there for a few weeks and I truly did not know if I was going to make it. So thanks again.

I have a physical on the 12th at 7:30 a.m. I am not looking forward to the finger up the ass part. Do I really need to have that done? I don't have any cancer in my family history. Plus, I am only 36 years old can't it wait until I am like 80 years old or something like that?

That is all I have, have a nice week!

New Button

Check out my new My Space button

Joke Thursday

A Guy Walks Into A bar and says "OUCH!!! Who put this fuckin' bar here!!!?

Questions that have Confused humankind!

1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?
2. Who was the first person to say "See that chicken there....I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt.
3. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
4. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
5. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
6. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
7. If the professor on Gilligan\'s Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
8. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
9. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
10. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
11. What do you call male ballerinas?
12. Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??
13. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap,why didn't he just buy dinner?
14. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
15. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
16. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
17. Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?
18. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
19. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
20. Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?
21. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog\'s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he can't wait to stick his head out the window into the wind?
22. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

I'm here all week folks try the veal!