100 Facts That You Didn't Know About The D

1. The D doesn't have to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Tall buildings duck under The D.

2. The D can delete the Recycling Bin.

3. When The D goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

4. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but The D says its beef, then it's beef.

5. Whenever The D plays Chutes and Ladders, he treats the chutes as ladders, because he's not some sissy who can't climb up a plastic slide.

6. When The D deletes files from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.

7. The D can slam revolving doors.

8. Once a cobra bit The D's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

9.The D can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.

10. Giraffes were created when The D uppercut a horse.

11. The D is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.

12. The D was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

13. On his birthday, The D randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

14. The D can speak braille.

15. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for The D.

16. The D once stated that he "doesn't wail on sissy boys." This led to the pink polo shirts with popped collars craze. Little do those pitiful fools know that The D was just making it easier to find sissy boys to wail on.

17. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. The D can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.

18. The D doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

19. The D does not sleep. He waits.

20. The D once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

21. World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, The D ate Kobayashi.

22. If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear The D laughing at you.

23. The D died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

24. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects The D could use to kill you, including the room itself.

25. The D sleeps with a night light. Not because The D is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of The D.

26. The D is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

27. The D's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools The D.

28. The D always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.

29. The D is the only one who can "try this at home."

30. The D beat a wall at tennis. Yes. A WALL.

31. The D's blood type is WD-40.

32. If The D wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.

33. The D played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

34. The last man who made eye contact with The D was Ray Charles.

35. The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that The D's basement was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.

36. You are what you eat. That is why The D's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

37. The D owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

38. Circles exist because The D beat the crap out of some squares.

39. The D had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow, and anywhere The D went the lamb was sure to go. So he killed it.

40. The D was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

41. The D invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.

42. Getting murdered by The D counts as a natural cause of death.

43. When The D plays any video game, God mode automatically turns on.

44. The D destroyed the periodic table, saying The D only recognizes the element of surprise.

45. The D puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

46. The D counted to infinity - twice.

47. The D can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

48. Only once has The D ever cried. The only survivors were a bunch of animals and some dude named Noah.

49. The popular video game "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from The D and forgot to pay him back.

50. The D's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.

51. The D and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.

52. The D once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

53. The D irons his shirts while he's wearing them.

54. The D once got caught doing 100 in a 50 zone. The cop did give him a speeding ticket, however The D still pleads his innocence to this day, stating that he was simply out for a morning jog.

55. The D wears a cup not to protect himself, but to protect the players on the other team.

56. The D knows the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow (African *AND* European).

57. Onions do not make The D cry. The D makes onions crap themselves.

58. If you haven't seen Alien vs. Predator yet, don't bother, The D wins.

59. The D was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

60. The D can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

61. The D was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.

62. On a high school math test, The D put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because The D solves all his problems with Violence.

63. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to The D and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

64. The D doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

65. The D does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

66. The D invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

67. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be The D.

68. Crop circles are The D's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down and shut the fuck up!.

69. The D does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. The D goes killing.

70. The D does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction.

71. There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because The D is going to walk.

72. When The D enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

73. The only time The D was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

74. The D has the heart of a child. He keeps it in a small box.

75. The word "lesbian" derives from an old Latin phrase that roughly translates as "She who has not yet been introduced to The D."

76. Superman owns a pair of The D pajamas.

77. The movie Ray is loosely based on the life of The D, only they substituted piano playing for eating toddlers, and blindness for the ability to fly.

78. What scientists thought was natural selection is actually only the continued survival of animals The D has found too chewy to eat.

79. When The D gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

80. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped The D's house one Christmas.

81. The D has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.

82. Weeping Willows are a result of The D yelling at trees for not being tough enough.

83. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when The D punched himself in the face.

84. The D can watch a season of "24" in just three hours.

85. The D is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right fist.

86. The D became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.

87. The D's dog is trained to pick up his own poop because The D will not take crap from anyone.

88. The D sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.

89. The D can predict the shuffle on his iPod.

90. The D used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

91. The D is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.

92. The D doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.

93. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: The D was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.

94. The D can kill two stones with one bird.

95. The D can tie his shoes with his feet.

96. The D is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.

97. The D can make a paraplegic run for his life.

98. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures The D allows to live.

99. When The D gets pulled over he lets the cop off with a warning.

100. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless The D has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Sunday, February 25, 2007

Dive Weekend Chapter 3: The Reckoning

Authors Note: I’m tired of the 3rd person thing it’s starting to drive me (I mean The D, no wait, I mean him, no wait, they? what huh? I’m confused? Who was I talking about?) crazy. So I’m going to stop it.

On Sunday our first, and only, dive was at 9:00 so we slept in until 8. I of course did not want to get out of bed, not because I was sore or anything like that, quite the contrary I was not sore one bit, mostly because I am one awesome specimen of a human being. But because I was tired and it was a Sunday and I always, ALWAYS sleep in on Sundays (it’s one of the top 10 rules that I live my life by).

During the briefing before the dive, the dive leader, which was a different dude from the day before, was telling us that on this dive we would be going through a series of caves and that we would have rock above our heads for 80% of the dive. I remember thinking “Holy Shit!” I was a little anxious about the two caves that we went though yesterday. He then asked if anyone was freaked out about going into the caves that we went on yesterday’s second dive. I looked at Reggie remembering what I told him the day before after the second dive.

“Dude, going though those caves kinda gives me the he-be-je-bees”.

“The D”, he says. “Stop being such and pussy, get the sand out of your vagina and just do it” He said encouragingly. I don’t like being talked to like that, so I punched him in the face and walked off.

Just as the dive leader asked the question Reggie and I both looked at each other. I just shook my head from side to side and gave him this look as if to say “If you say one word that I was anxious about the caves I will not only murder you. I will murder you BTK style”. Reggie and I have known each other since grade school so we kinda know each other pretty well; needless to say he got the message, and kept his mouth shut. Besides the dive leader asked if any one was “freaked out” I was only anxious, which are 2 very different things in my book.

We then go to the locker room put on our wet suits and, head down to the dock, where we get our tanks and finish putting on our gear. In this dive we had a much smaller group. On the 2 dives yesterday we had a group of about 10-15 divers (counting the dive leader and the safety divers). But today there was us 4 and 2 others from Great Britain (they talked funny) Plus, the dive leader and one safety diver for a total of 8 people on this dive.

This was hands down the best dive out of all of them. I was calm, cool, and confident. I went down to a depth of 50 feet and sat on the floor of the cave for a few moments and finally had a few minuets to just relax and enjoy the surrounding. I remember thinking that just about 50 years ago or so that miners were busting there humps to get lead out of these rocks. As I was looking around just sitting there I saw some mule cart tracks, a few hand tools (chisels, hammers, picks) and a miner’s helmet. As we were swimming from one cave to another at a depth of 45 feet, I was maybe 5 feet off the floor, when I saw something bright green in the distance on the floor. I swam down to it and realized that it was a kids Frankenstein mask that someone had left behind. Weird, I thought, really weird, why would someone bring a mask like that and just place it there on the cave floor? Fucking litter bugs.

This dive felt more like we were just swimming around underwater and less like we were being rushed though a maze of rocks. We could actually hang out and “talk to each other” (using hand signals) instead of having to constantly watch the dive leader. Dives like these are the whole reason that I got into the sport in the first place.

But of course I was not concentrating on my breathing, so I was using more air than anyone else. At the second safety check the dive leader again separated me from the rest of the group, pointed to my air gage. And gave me the surface hand signal (basically it’s just a thumbs up). “OHH COME ON!! I’m out of air again?!” I say rolling my eyes. I take my time surfacing by just inflating my BCD slowly. A safety diver comes up with me and tells me that I can just stay at the surface and follow the rest of the group back to the dock while floating on the surface. I just inflate my BCD all of the way so that it acts like a life preserver. I take out my regulator and just watch the other diver from above as we all swim back to the dock.

After the dive we all changing back into our street clothes and agreed that the last dive was the best dive of the weekend. We changed back into our street clothes, packed all of our gear back into the truck for the anticipated 4 hour drive back to Kansas City. But before we left we thought it would be a good idea to stop by the gift shop and pick up some souvenirs to remember the trip. As with any souvenir shop everything was over priced, just as I had anticipated but I went ahead and bought a tee shirt for 20 bucks. Reggie almost bought a statue of a diver but then thought his wife would freak out if he paid 70 bucks for it. Not because it was 70 bucks but because it was ugly, so he didn’t get it. Everyone else bought stuff for their kids and wives, but as you all know I don’t have a wife or kids, so I got out of there with only dropping the 20 bucks on the tee shirt.

On the drive home we stopped at Imo's Pizza, which is the best pizza EVER! As we were getting gas I was telling Curtis that when I lived in St. Louis my fastest time from my mother’s house in Overland Park to my apartment in St. Louis was 3 hours and 10 minuets and challenged him to beat it. He said he could beat that time easy. But I did not tell him that I accomplished such an amazing feat (it’s usually a 3.5 hour trip if you do the speed limit) at night and that there was no traffic.

While Curtis was doing his best Dale Erenhart impersonation on I-55 the rest of us, Reggie, Larry, and my self were settling in to watch few movies. The first movie was American Pie 5: The Naked Mile HI-LAROUIS!! This is a definite must see. The best part of the movie was the overabundance of some really awesome boobies, and in my book a movie could not have too many boobies, it a great move and I highly recommend it, if you like boobies and I do so hit your local movie house and rent it.

The second movie in our double feature was The Departed, Starring Leo, Jack Nicholson, Matt Damond, and Mark Walburg. This move was awesome! Lots of killing and violence (I don’t think there was anyone that did not get shot in the head). Great story and very well written. It should defiantly win the Oscar (mostly because that is the only movie that I have seen that is up for an Oscar tonight).

Back to the Missouri 500 that Curtis was apparently trying to win. When we got to the intersection of I-270 and I-64 in St. Louis, I leaned up too look at the clock and told him that the time was starting now and the he had until 5 o’clock to get to Larry’s house it was 1:45 p.m. He said he would beat it my time like a rented mule. I said “That time is more like a limp dick, you can try but you just can’t beat it.” At one point in the drive back I leaned up to have a gander at the speedometer. I looked at Reggie and told him we are going 95 mph, in a SUV on I-70 which is just insane! He just might do it I thought. But then we hit the traffic that was coming back to Kansas City from St. Louis for Mardi Gras.

[The Saint Louisans like to claim that they have the second largest Mari Gras in the county, but we all know that New Orleans is the place to go if you want to party during Mardi Gas. Going from Mardi Gras in New Orleans to the St. Louis version of Mardi Gras is like going from the Super Bowl to Pee-wee flag football, you just can’t compare the two.]

We arrived at Larry’s house at 5:05 he missed it by just 5 min, I told him “Maybe next time Dale, maybe next time”.

I took Reggie home then made my way to my house, I got home unloaded my gear and hung up my still wet wet suit in the shower to dry overnight, and laded down on the couch to catch up on some T.V. shows that I had missed.

Up next: Chapter 4: Lessons Learned, Forgotten Stuff, Random Thoughts