Blogcrowds Blogger Template

100 Facts That You Didn't Know About The D

1. The D doesn't have to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Tall buildings duck under The D.

2. The D can delete the Recycling Bin.

3. When The D goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

4. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but The D says its beef, then it's beef.

5. Whenever The D plays Chutes and Ladders, he treats the chutes as ladders, because he's not some sissy who can't climb up a plastic slide.

6. When The D deletes files from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.

7. The D can slam revolving doors.

8. Once a cobra bit The D's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

9.The D can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.

10. Giraffes were created when The D uppercut a horse.

11. The D is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.

12. The D was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

13. On his birthday, The D randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

14. The D can speak braille.

15. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for The D.

16. The D once stated that he "doesn't wail on sissy boys." This led to the pink polo shirts with popped collars craze. Little do those pitiful fools know that The D was just making it easier to find sissy boys to wail on.

17. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. The D can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.

18. The D doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

19. The D does not sleep. He waits.

20. The D once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

21. World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, The D ate Kobayashi.

22. If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear The D laughing at you.

23. The D died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

24. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects The D could use to kill you, including the room itself.

25. The D sleeps with a night light. Not because The D is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of The D.

26. The D is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

27. The D's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools The D.

28. The D always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.

29. The D is the only one who can "try this at home."

30. The D beat a wall at tennis. Yes. A WALL.

31. The D's blood type is WD-40.

32. If The D wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.

33. The D played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

34. The last man who made eye contact with The D was Ray Charles.

35. The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that The D's basement was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.

36. You are what you eat. That is why The D's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

37. The D owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

38. Circles exist because The D beat the crap out of some squares.

39. The D had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow, and anywhere The D went the lamb was sure to go. So he killed it.

40. The D was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

41. The D invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.

42. Getting murdered by The D counts as a natural cause of death.

43. When The D plays any video game, God mode automatically turns on.

44. The D destroyed the periodic table, saying The D only recognizes the element of surprise.

45. The D puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

46. The D counted to infinity - twice.

47. The D can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

48. Only once has The D ever cried. The only survivors were a bunch of animals and some dude named Noah.

49. The popular video game "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from The D and forgot to pay him back.

50. The D's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.

51. The D and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.

52. The D once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

53. The D irons his shirts while he's wearing them.

54. The D once got caught doing 100 in a 50 zone. The cop did give him a speeding ticket, however The D still pleads his innocence to this day, stating that he was simply out for a morning jog.

55. The D wears a cup not to protect himself, but to protect the players on the other team.

56. The D knows the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow (African *AND* European).

57. Onions do not make The D cry. The D makes onions crap themselves.

58. If you haven't seen Alien vs. Predator yet, don't bother, The D wins.

59. The D was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

60. The D can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

61. The D was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.

62. On a high school math test, The D put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because The D solves all his problems with Violence.

63. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to The D and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

64. The D doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

65. The D does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

66. The D invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

67. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be The D.

68. Crop circles are The D's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down and shut the fuck up!.

69. The D does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. The D goes killing.

70. The D does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction.

71. There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because The D is going to walk.

72. When The D enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

73. The only time The D was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

74. The D has the heart of a child. He keeps it in a small box.

75. The word "lesbian" derives from an old Latin phrase that roughly translates as "She who has not yet been introduced to The D."

76. Superman owns a pair of The D pajamas.

77. The movie Ray is loosely based on the life of The D, only they substituted piano playing for eating toddlers, and blindness for the ability to fly.

78. What scientists thought was natural selection is actually only the continued survival of animals The D has found too chewy to eat.

79. When The D gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

80. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped The D's house one Christmas.

81. The D has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.

82. Weeping Willows are a result of The D yelling at trees for not being tough enough.

83. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when The D punched himself in the face.

84. The D can watch a season of "24" in just three hours.

85. The D is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right fist.

86. The D became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.

87. The D's dog is trained to pick up his own poop because The D will not take crap from anyone.

88. The D sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.

89. The D can predict the shuffle on his iPod.

90. The D used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

91. The D is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.

92. The D doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.

93. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: The D was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.

94. The D can kill two stones with one bird.

95. The D can tie his shoes with his feet.

96. The D is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.

97. The D can make a paraplegic run for his life.

98. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures The D allows to live.

99. When The D gets pulled over he lets the cop off with a warning.

100. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless The D has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Monday Physical

I had a physical on Monday morning which I was NOT looking forward too. The appointment was for 7:30 I had to fast for 12 hours, which was no big deal cause I eat at about 6 on Sunday night.

[Sunday was my younger brothers 33rd birthday. We had dinner at his Father-in-laws house in Oklahoma, he lives at 157th and Nall but from my house it might as well been in Oklahoma. As with previous birthdays in my family we brothers don't get each other anything not even cards. We just show up for the free meal and harass the little kids. Or at least I do.]

Back the doctors appointment. I got to his office at exactly 7:30 a.m. where I checked in with the receptionist. She gave me a form to fill out as per their usual procedure. I always have to fill out the same form every time I see him. The form is basically a list of symptoms that I have non of so the answer to every question is no. I have filled out the form so many times this year that I don't even bother reading it any more. Its quite lame.

I do that give it back to the lady and take a seat and wait about 5 min before my favorite nurse Farrah comes thru the door and calls my name. She escorts me to the scale where she says:

"So you're here for a physical, huh?"

"Nope, just to wanted to see you" I reply sarcastically.

She just gives me this "fuck you" glare. She obviously was not in the mood for flirting.

"First thing I need is a urine sample." She orders

"First thing? That must mean you're going to need a second. What is the second thing".

"D.N.A" She said's with a smile and a wink.

"EXCELLENT" I command!

I go in to the bathroom room and or course I don't have to pee whatsoever but I do have too poop. So I just take a seat and relax everything and low and behold I pee so I grab the cup and filler up. I put the cup in the little window deally thingy and rejoin Farrah in the hallway. We then go into this room that has a chair that looks like a dentist chair.

"Have a seat, and roll up your sleeve" She orders. (she's very bossy)

"I thought you wanted D.N.A?" I question.

"I do, your blood ya horn dog."

"You tease" I exclaimed.

"Shut up you knew what I was talking about."

So I get in the chair, roll up my sleeve. While she gets all of the stuff to take my blood.

She sits on the stool, pulls the tray over takes out this needle, swabs my, left arm, and says:

"O.K. ready? Little prick"

"How do you know? You've never even seen it?" I say surprisingly.

She practically fell out off her stool. She was laughing so hard. She almost stabbed herself with the needle. Then I start thinking of all these other smart-ass answers like:

"I bet you say that to all the boys."

Or.

"No thank you."

Or. My fave.

"Maybe you have a big vagina" But that one does not really apply to this situation.

Once she recovered she went about her business of taking my DNA.

"When was your last physical? Farrah asked.

"1994 when I was discharged from the Marine Corps."

"Marine Corps huh? What did you do"

"Infantry" I boast proudly.

"Ever kill any one?"

"I cannot confirm nor deny that statement" I say jokingly.

She sees right though that answer and ask "Where were you stationed?"

"I spent 3 years at Camp Pendelton, 6 months in Okinawa Japan, and 6 months aboard the USS Peleliu"

This kind of meaningless chit-chat went on for about 5 or 10 more minutes.

We then go to an exam room. I sit down.

"I am going to take your family history". She says

"Where are you going to take it?" I say.

"Umm, right here, right now?"

"O.K. but WHERE are you going to take it I kind need it."

She rolls her eyes and shakes her head. She is obviously grown annoyed with my jokes. We get though the family history. And she leaves and says the Doctor will be in in a few minuets.

"I don't have to get in some lame gown or anything?"

"Not unless you like to where gowns"

"Nope".

She leaves I sit.

The Doctor comes in and we basically start talking about my health and stuff I might be at high risk for because of genetics and lifestyle and all that kind of stuff. Then we get to my weight loss and diet, he seamed really impressed with the weight loss, 55 lbs since September 1st thankyouverymuch! Then he tell me to get on the table and lay down. Where he started to pock and prod my body, just like doctors do. he Checks my testes for abnormalities, and check me for hernia. (FYI ladies everything is fine with my genitals so you don't have anything to worry about.)

Then the best part of the entire morning happens in a single sentence said by the doctor

"Because their is no prostate cancer in your family, and your still pretty young I will NOT have to do a rectal exam".

My reaction:

"That is THE BEST NEWS EVER IN THE HISTORY OF ALL NEWS!!"

My cholesterol is high at 203 but it is not dangerously high so I don't have to go on any medication for it. I just have to keep losing weight. And my blood pressure wan high again so he wants me to buy a BP machine which I really don't want to do. I think the higher readings are from being nervous in a doctors office.

He did recommend that I enroll in a program they have that is not covered by insurance and cost 700-900 bucks. It's a 60 day fitness and weight loss program Where they run a shit load of test and tell you a lot about your body. Like how many calories you burn when resting and how may calories you burn when working out. They also tell you what your body fat percentage is and what it should be for my age and height. They also have a nutritionist meet with you and go over your labs and taylor a very specific diet for your weight loss goals. They guarantee that you will lose 3" off your waist and 25% of your body fat.

It sounds like a great program but I don't have 1000 bucks just sitting around so I will have to wait until I do my taxes and get my refund (if any) to decide if I am going to do it.

I prolly will but not until after St. Patrick's Day. Which is a HUGE party day here in Kansas City, Plus it's on a Saturday so its going to be extra big this year. Plus Aphrodite is coming in town for it so I VERY excited about that.

I have more to tell but you will have to come back tomorrow.

See ya then.

Scribbled down by "The D" Tango Charlie of this post 9:59 PM

Categories (because I'm organized and shit) ,

Subscribe to: Comment Feed (RSS)