The D Rules!!: You Will Never Believe What Happened To Me On Monday!

100 Facts That You Didn't Know About The D

1. The D doesn't have to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Tall buildings duck under The D.

2. The D can delete the Recycling Bin.

3. When The D goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

4. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but The D says its beef, then it's beef.

5. Whenever The D plays Chutes and Ladders, he treats the chutes as ladders, because he's not some sissy who can't climb up a plastic slide.

6. When The D deletes files from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.

7. The D can slam revolving doors.

8. Once a cobra bit The D's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

9.The D can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.

10. Giraffes were created when The D uppercut a horse.

11. The D is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.

12. The D was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

13. On his birthday, The D randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

14. The D can speak braille.

15. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for The D.

16. The D once stated that he "doesn't wail on sissy boys." This led to the pink polo shirts with popped collars craze. Little do those pitiful fools know that The D was just making it easier to find sissy boys to wail on.

17. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. The D can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.

18. The D doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

19. The D does not sleep. He waits.

20. The D once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

21. World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, The D ate Kobayashi.

22. If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear The D laughing at you.

23. The D died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

24. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects The D could use to kill you, including the room itself.

25. The D sleeps with a night light. Not because The D is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of The D.

26. The D is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

27. The D's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools The D.

28. The D always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.

29. The D is the only one who can "try this at home."

30. The D beat a wall at tennis. Yes. A WALL.

31. The D's blood type is WD-40.

32. If The D wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.

33. The D played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

34. The last man who made eye contact with The D was Ray Charles.

35. The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that The D's basement was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.

36. You are what you eat. That is why The D's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

37. The D owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

38. Circles exist because The D beat the crap out of some squares.

39. The D had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow, and anywhere The D went the lamb was sure to go. So he killed it.

40. The D was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

41. The D invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.

42. Getting murdered by The D counts as a natural cause of death.

43. When The D plays any video game, God mode automatically turns on.

44. The D destroyed the periodic table, saying The D only recognizes the element of surprise.

45. The D puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

46. The D counted to infinity - twice.

47. The D can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

48. Only once has The D ever cried. The only survivors were a bunch of animals and some dude named Noah.

49. The popular video game "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from The D and forgot to pay him back.

50. The D's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.

51. The D and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.

52. The D once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

53. The D irons his shirts while he's wearing them.

54. The D once got caught doing 100 in a 50 zone. The cop did give him a speeding ticket, however The D still pleads his innocence to this day, stating that he was simply out for a morning jog.

55. The D wears a cup not to protect himself, but to protect the players on the other team.

56. The D knows the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow (African *AND* European).

57. Onions do not make The D cry. The D makes onions crap themselves.

58. If you haven't seen Alien vs. Predator yet, don't bother, The D wins.

59. The D was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

60. The D can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

61. The D was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.

62. On a high school math test, The D put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because The D solves all his problems with Violence.

63. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to The D and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

64. The D doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

65. The D does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

66. The D invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

67. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be The D.

68. Crop circles are The D's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down and shut the fuck up!.

69. The D does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. The D goes killing.

70. The D does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction.

71. There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because The D is going to walk.

72. When The D enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

73. The only time The D was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

74. The D has the heart of a child. He keeps it in a small box.

75. The word "lesbian" derives from an old Latin phrase that roughly translates as "She who has not yet been introduced to The D."

76. Superman owns a pair of The D pajamas.

77. The movie Ray is loosely based on the life of The D, only they substituted piano playing for eating toddlers, and blindness for the ability to fly.

78. What scientists thought was natural selection is actually only the continued survival of animals The D has found too chewy to eat.

79. When The D gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

80. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped The D's house one Christmas.

81. The D has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.

82. Weeping Willows are a result of The D yelling at trees for not being tough enough.

83. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when The D punched himself in the face.

84. The D can watch a season of "24" in just three hours.

85. The D is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right fist.

86. The D became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.

87. The D's dog is trained to pick up his own poop because The D will not take crap from anyone.

88. The D sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.

89. The D can predict the shuffle on his iPod.

90. The D used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

91. The D is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.

92. The D doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.

93. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: The D was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.

94. The D can kill two stones with one bird.

95. The D can tie his shoes with his feet.

96. The D is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.

97. The D can make a paraplegic run for his life.

98. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures The D allows to live.

99. When The D gets pulled over he lets the cop off with a warning.

100. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless The D has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

You Will Never Believe What Happened To Me On Monday!

On Saturday January 13 while I was taking shower after working out. I found a lump just under my right pectoral (chest) muscle. I was quite surprised and exclaimed “Oh shit, that ain’t supposed to be there” Or maybe it was “Dam, I ain’t payin’ for dat!” I really don’t recall. It was hard and was very sensitive to the touch, to the point of painful when I touched it. So, of course, I kept playing with the lump (instead of myself). It was about half the size of a golf ball, (I am talking about the lump people, geez) But you would not be able to see it because I have the nicest set of man boobies (or bitch tits, which ever you prefer) this side of the Mississippi.

After I ran out of cold water I got out of the shower and went on with my day. I spent most of Sunday perusing thought every page on the internet looking for some information on “lumps in the chest, growths in the chest, and similar stuff. But all I found were big words that I could not pronounce, and inappropriate pictures of little girls, which made me, feel a little dirty so I took another shower.

On Monday morning the lump was even bigger now it was roughly ¾ of the size of a golf ball. And it was even tendered (more tender?) to the touch. It was so tender that I could not wear a seat belt on the way to work.

At work I spent the morning looking for a doctor. I found one that was in the neighborhood of the office and called him when I got home for lunch. I was surprised to find out that he could get me in at 2:45 the same day. [I have not been to the doctor since my exit physical for my honorable discharge from The Marine Corps in 1994.]

When I arrived at the doctor’s office I was quite surprised to find out that they had a full work out facility IN the doctor’s office. (very L.A. I thought) I filled out all of the new patient paper work and waited for the nurse to take me to an exam room.

My nurse’s name was Farrah (as in Fawcett from Charlie’s Angels the T.V. show) but she did not look anything like the actress. Farrah (the nurse) was short, good looking, brunette with glasses and a little attitude (me likey, I said to myself) As she was going down a list of questions, which I had just answered on a sheet of paper 10 minuets earlier, she asked “Have you ever had a sexually transmitted disease?” I replied “No” she whipped back “Want one?”…

[Gulp… What kind of doctor office is this? Is this a front for prostitution? Is this how they screen there prospective “Johns”.]

Sadly she was just making a joke, which left me totally speechless, I was totally not expecting that one which is what made it so funny.

She took my temperature (orally) and my blood pressure which was decent, she said it was little high but not too bad. After some small talk she left and the doctor came in and check out my little friend, which had taken up residence right under my right man boobie.

He did some pinching, sticking, massaging, and some moving around, after about 5 minuets of him playing with it he said that it was a subcutaneous cyst. What the fuck is that and how do we get rid of it, is what I thought. He said that it will most likely NOT go a way on its own and that he could cut it out today if I wanted. I thought for a second (I had only come in here for a quick exam, not a full blown surgery.) So, of course, as with all of the best decisions I have made in my life I made it on a total whim. I said “Sure why the fuck not” I most likely not have to go back to work.

So he took me in to another room where I took off my shirt, laid down on a table and waited for Farrah to come back in and prep me for my minor surgery. She was nice I liked Farrah she was cute. Anyway, I asked her to take pictures of the whole ordeal, like before, during, and after. So I could show all of my friends what I did on Monday. She goes and asks the doctor he says no but I persuaded him that it was a good idea. He reluctantly agreed.

The Doctor started by numbing that area around the cyst with a shot of some type or shot (sadly it was NOt Jeager) I think it was Novocain, but I think that’s only used at the dentist so I really don’t know)). He then cuts me open and starts to squeeze all of the puss that was surrounding the cyst. He says that the cyst was infected and that is the reason that it was so tender and was growing so fast.

So the 3 of us Farrah, the Doc and myself had a good time while the doctor was working me over but after about 2-3 minuets the Novocain (or whatever) started to where off and I was starting to get really uncomfortable with him squeezing the puss out of me. I said “Doc, you know this is fun and all but it is starting to get a little annoying if you know what I mean. (I didn’t what to seam like a puss in front of Farrah) but he was just about killing me! I was thinking Holy fuck! Who is this dude, Dr. Frankenstein! FUCK! My eyes are starting to water I am literally just seconds from grabbing this dude and putting the Stone Cold Stunner on him when he finally says “Done”.

He stitched me up told me to wear a band-aid and some Neosporin and to come back on the 24th to have the 3 stiches taken out. Farrah came back in and cleaned me all up, and took the final picture.

Overall the experience was not too bad. But during, the surgery, when the Novocain (or what ever) started to where off I thought I was going to die. But looking back (hindsight is 20/20) it was not really that bad. It could have been a lot worse, which I was totally preparing myself for, when he said it was just a cyst I was really relived almost to the point of ejaculating but not quite.

So here are the pics. They are in order starting with the before. I warn you they are pretty graphic, so look at your own risk.

Before:
Durring: