100 Facts That You Didn't Know About The D

1. The D doesn't have to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Tall buildings duck under The D.

2. The D can delete the Recycling Bin.

3. When The D goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

4. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but The D says its beef, then it's beef.

5. Whenever The D plays Chutes and Ladders, he treats the chutes as ladders, because he's not some sissy who can't climb up a plastic slide.

6. When The D deletes files from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.

7. The D can slam revolving doors.

8. Once a cobra bit The D's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

9.The D can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.

10. Giraffes were created when The D uppercut a horse.

11. The D is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.

12. The D was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

13. On his birthday, The D randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

14. The D can speak braille.

15. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for The D.

16. The D once stated that he "doesn't wail on sissy boys." This led to the pink polo shirts with popped collars craze. Little do those pitiful fools know that The D was just making it easier to find sissy boys to wail on.

17. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. The D can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.

18. The D doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

19. The D does not sleep. He waits.

20. The D once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

21. World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, The D ate Kobayashi.

22. If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear The D laughing at you.

23. The D died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

24. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects The D could use to kill you, including the room itself.

25. The D sleeps with a night light. Not because The D is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of The D.

26. The D is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

27. The D's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools The D.

28. The D always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.

29. The D is the only one who can "try this at home."

30. The D beat a wall at tennis. Yes. A WALL.

31. The D's blood type is WD-40.

32. If The D wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.

33. The D played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

34. The last man who made eye contact with The D was Ray Charles.

35. The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that The D's basement was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.

36. You are what you eat. That is why The D's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

37. The D owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

38. Circles exist because The D beat the crap out of some squares.

39. The D had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow, and anywhere The D went the lamb was sure to go. So he killed it.

40. The D was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

41. The D invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.

42. Getting murdered by The D counts as a natural cause of death.

43. When The D plays any video game, God mode automatically turns on.

44. The D destroyed the periodic table, saying The D only recognizes the element of surprise.

45. The D puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

46. The D counted to infinity - twice.

47. The D can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

48. Only once has The D ever cried. The only survivors were a bunch of animals and some dude named Noah.

49. The popular video game "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from The D and forgot to pay him back.

50. The D's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.

51. The D and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.

52. The D once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

53. The D irons his shirts while he's wearing them.

54. The D once got caught doing 100 in a 50 zone. The cop did give him a speeding ticket, however The D still pleads his innocence to this day, stating that he was simply out for a morning jog.

55. The D wears a cup not to protect himself, but to protect the players on the other team.

56. The D knows the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow (African *AND* European).

57. Onions do not make The D cry. The D makes onions crap themselves.

58. If you haven't seen Alien vs. Predator yet, don't bother, The D wins.

59. The D was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

60. The D can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

61. The D was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.

62. On a high school math test, The D put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because The D solves all his problems with Violence.

63. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to The D and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

64. The D doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

65. The D does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

66. The D invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

67. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be The D.

68. Crop circles are The D's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down and shut the fuck up!.

69. The D does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. The D goes killing.

70. The D does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction.

71. There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because The D is going to walk.

72. When The D enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

73. The only time The D was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

74. The D has the heart of a child. He keeps it in a small box.

75. The word "lesbian" derives from an old Latin phrase that roughly translates as "She who has not yet been introduced to The D."

76. Superman owns a pair of The D pajamas.

77. The movie Ray is loosely based on the life of The D, only they substituted piano playing for eating toddlers, and blindness for the ability to fly.

78. What scientists thought was natural selection is actually only the continued survival of animals The D has found too chewy to eat.

79. When The D gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

80. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped The D's house one Christmas.

81. The D has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.

82. Weeping Willows are a result of The D yelling at trees for not being tough enough.

83. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when The D punched himself in the face.

84. The D can watch a season of "24" in just three hours.

85. The D is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right fist.

86. The D became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.

87. The D's dog is trained to pick up his own poop because The D will not take crap from anyone.

88. The D sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.

89. The D can predict the shuffle on his iPod.

90. The D used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

91. The D is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.

92. The D doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.

93. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: The D was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.

94. The D can kill two stones with one bird.

95. The D can tie his shoes with his feet.

96. The D is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.

97. The D can make a paraplegic run for his life.

98. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures The D allows to live.

99. When The D gets pulled over he lets the cop off with a warning.

100. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless The D has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Dive Weekend Chapter 1: The First Dive, The Death Dive

Authors note: This is the first chapter of a 4 part review of my weekend. I did write it. I am not dead. You can see a slide show on my space page. But you have to me my friend to see it.

The D

Our story begins on Friday February 16th our hero (The D) left work early to prepare for the trip. He got home, ate lunch, and packed his clothes and sent some last minuets emails to friends telling them how excited he was about the trip. He left the house about 4 o’clock to swing by the dive shop to pick up the gear that he had to rent, wet suit, regulator and BCD. He arrived at Reggie’s house at 5:15 which was right on time. They had a bit of a lay over because Reggie’s brother, Curtis, was running surprisingly late. They left the house and joined the rest of the Friday evening commuters trying to make their way to various destinations.

The weather was cold and snowing, the roads were snow covered and quite treacherous. Traffic was going to be a major factor in the drive across Missouri to the dive location.

After leaving Curtis house they still had one last person to pick up. After picking up our 4th person, Larry, they were ready to hit the road. The travel time was expected to be around 4-5 hours it took them 7 hours. To pass the time they watched School for Scoundrels, (this movie was really lame but they had nothing better to do and it did make the drive more bearable but The D does not recommend it. (Unless it’s in the $0.99 bin) it was quite lame), another movie they watched was Not Another Teen Movie, which they had all seen but it was still entertaining.

The traffic on I-70 was horrible, there must have been at least 50 cars that had spun out and were then stuck in the snow. The average speed from Kansas City to Columbia could not have been much faster than 25-30 mph.

They arrived in Columbia, (The STD capital of the state, and not surprisingly the home of the University of Missouri) at 11 o’clock, stopped for 30 minuets to eat dinner at Ruby Tuesday (The D had the Chicken Parmesan, yummy, in his belly), it was quite tasty and really hit the spot.

The remainder of the trip to the final destination was uneventful and boring. The D slept for most of the remainder of the trek. They finally arrived at the Super 8 Hotel in Bonne Terre, Missouri at 2:30 in the morning, checked-in and went to bed.

Reveille came early at 6:00 a.m., but with the excitement of the days activities ahead our hero nearly jumped out of bed filled with the joy the can only be compared to an 8 year old on Christmas morning. They showered, had a quick bite to eat at the Huddle House, which was just across the parking lot from the hotel, loaded up the SUV and made there way the Dive location.

The dive location was called The Bonne Terre Mine an underground lead mine that had hit a spring in 1960 it has been slowly filling with water ever since. They even have to pump out water every year or the mine would totally flood.

After filling out some short standard paperwork our divers went in to a small classroom for a short briefing detailing what trail they would take and what was expected of them, and also what to expect from the dive leader and the safety divers. The group was made up of about 10-15 divers all with various degrees of experience.

The D had the least experience but had the oldest qualification date on his license out of everyone in the group. He had obtained his certification in 1992 while stationed in Okinawa, Japan with the Marine Corps, but had not been diving since then. Needless to say, as the time to get in the water grew closer he became more and more anxious. Butterflies were starting to get to him. His palms started sweating his stomach started to do summer-salts, the dry heaving began and when this happened nothing good can come from it.

After the briefing they made there way to the locker room to change in to the wet suits and make their way underground to the dive dock. The walk down was about 0.5 mile in total distance, descending though the doors of the mine the humidity and the smell of stale water hits you in the face like 4 year old girl, not too tough but you can defiantly feel it.

At the dock everyone grabbed a tank of air and finished getting ready to “get wet”. Hooking their tanks to their BCD’s and checking each others gear. Depending on what type of dive suit (dry or wet) this could be a 2 person job. The D walked over to the waters edge to clean his mask, dipping his mask and hand into the water he nearly shit his suit. “HOLY FUCKING DOG SHIT THAT WATER IS FREEZING!!!” he thought. They had told everyone in the briefing that the water was a constant 56 degrees. But HOLD SHIT you don’t really understand how fucking cold that is until you feel it. People don’t even DRINK water that is that cold. The nerves just increased 10 fold. Now he is starting to freak out over how cold the water is going to feel. He finished dressing and has his good buddy Reggie check his gear, tuck in his hood and make sure that he had connected his air and regulator correctly.

He walks to the dock puts his hand over his mask and takes the plunge. The cold of the water takes his breath way and he states to hyperventilate, the freak out is going full throttle! He surfaces, and grabs a hold of the dock. Tries to catch his breathe. “Breathe you idiot, breathe, he says to himself” “Relax, relax, relax”, he repeats as the shock of the water temperature overcomes him. He is stunned. Like an opponent of George Forman must have felt when getting whaled upon by a series of haymakers.

A few minuets pass and the freak out starts to subside but it is still there, lying just under the surface, lurking, like a killer in a slasher movie. Our Hero knows that if anything goes wrong from here on out it will be back with full furry of a cyclone and the vengeance of a tornado!!

The group is floating about 50 yards just off the dock and want to get on with the first of the day. It seams that The D is the only one that is being affected by the water temperature. He collects himself and joins the group.

At the first safety stop they descend to a depth of 20 feet and form a circle around the dive leader, while the safety divers hover above and just outside of the circle. At this intermission the dive leaders require some basic safety checks. The divers have to flood their mask and then put air back into it order to see though the mask. (This is a common practice, if your mask gets knocked off during a dive, for what ever reason, or if your mask does not have a tight seal on your face.) The dive leader starts with the first person on his right, sadly it’s The D.

He takes a few breaths and pulls his mask off just enough to flood it. The water rushes in like a runaway freight train, the cold water makes him forget all of his training. He panics, starts to hyperventilate again, removes his regulator from his mouth. He is past the total freak out, he is in full panic mode and he knows it! “FUCK, I’M TOTALLY FREAKING OUT! I’M PANICKING I HAVE TO SURFACE NOW!!! OR I’M DONE, I’M DEAD, I CAN’T GO OUT LIKE THIS!! MY MOM WILL BE PISSED!! NOT TO MENTION MY FRIEND, SHE TOLD ME NOT TO DROWN AND IF I DO SHE WON’T COME TO MY FUNERAL!!” (He is always thinking of others even at the time of his death. Now awesome is that!)

The dive leader shoves the regulator back in his mouth. The D starts to give the surface NOW hand signal and begins to inflate his BCD. The dive leader grabs The D’s BCD and holds on to him trying to calm him down letting the diver know that he is there and he is there to help him. He pushes on The D’s mask trying to get a seal against his face and starts to tap the D’s nose. He is confused “Why is the asshole touching my hose? Lets get to the surface fuck face!! I’m totally panicking can’t you see that?” His eyes are still closed tighter that a virgins legs on a first date.

They surface, he is couching and spitting up more water that the J.C. Nichols fountain. A safety diver also surfaces and calms him down telling him to leave everything on and to leave the regulator in his mouth.

“Take deep breaths relax your O.K. Fill up your BCD. How do you feel? What happened? What went wrong?” The safety diver asks.

“I couldn’t get my mask to clear.” The D answers still out of breath and coughing up water.

“Did you have a good seal?” She questions

“I think so” he replies

“Were you blowing out your nose or mouth?”

The money question! He knows that he was blowing out of his mouth. As soon as she asked the question he remembers that he should have been blowing out of his nose. He feels like a fool, like a kid that gets called to the front of the class and misspells a word on the chalk board. Total idiot!

With the near death episode behind him our Hero is now having another problem at the surface. He can’t get his balance. He keeps rotating while floating on the surface. It’s the weight belt, is keeps shifting. He can’t get his balance. And has to exert a lot of energy just to keep facing the safety diver, they swim over to a rock ledge and he removes the weight belt, and hands it to her. She takes it and adjusts the weights so they stop slipping and rotating while he has them on. Another safety diver comes over and relives the first one so she can join the dive group. He tells The D that if he wants to continue with the dive he still has to show him that he can clear his mask and switch regulators. “WHAT ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? I ALMOST FUCKING DIED YOU ASSHAT, AND YOU WANT ME TO DO IT AGAIN?” The D thinks, but says “O.K. I was just not ready for that cold ass water”.

“Great, we can Go when ever you’re ready” he says.

The D collects himself by taking off his mask and putting his head underwater so he will not have the shock of the cold water hitting his face.

“Lets light this candle!” The D boasts.

They swim out and descend back to the original spot. The safety diver is right in front of him. First they swap regulators. Success! They switch regulators without issue. Next flood and clear the mask. Deep breath the flooding part goes well. He presses the mask to his face to get a good seal, forces himself to blow out of his nose. Much like blowing your nose on your sleeve. (What? Like you’ve never blown you nose on your sleeve, shut up). With a little difficulty he does it. “YEA!! How you like me now!” He thinks.

They rejoin the rest of the dive group just before the first safety check area. There the dive leader checks everyone’s air gauge to make sure they have enough air to continue the rest of the trail. The D’s air is of course low because of all the freaking out and panicking he did earlier. He has to surface and then swim back to the dock followed by a safety diver.

The first dive lasted about 45 minuets of which 38:56 minuets were spent freaking out so the D got a little jipped on that dive. But it was his own fault.

To be continued….

In our next episode, Chapter 2: The Second Dive: Claustrophobia!… (Scary music, da, da, dummmm)