100 Facts That You Didn't Know About The D

1. The D doesn't have to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Tall buildings duck under The D.

2. The D can delete the Recycling Bin.

3. When The D goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

4. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but The D says its beef, then it's beef.

5. Whenever The D plays Chutes and Ladders, he treats the chutes as ladders, because he's not some sissy who can't climb up a plastic slide.

6. When The D deletes files from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.

7. The D can slam revolving doors.

8. Once a cobra bit The D's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

9.The D can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.

10. Giraffes were created when The D uppercut a horse.

11. The D is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.

12. The D was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

13. On his birthday, The D randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

14. The D can speak braille.

15. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for The D.

16. The D once stated that he "doesn't wail on sissy boys." This led to the pink polo shirts with popped collars craze. Little do those pitiful fools know that The D was just making it easier to find sissy boys to wail on.

17. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. The D can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.

18. The D doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

19. The D does not sleep. He waits.

20. The D once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

21. World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, The D ate Kobayashi.

22. If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear The D laughing at you.

23. The D died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

24. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects The D could use to kill you, including the room itself.

25. The D sleeps with a night light. Not because The D is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of The D.

26. The D is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

27. The D's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools The D.

28. The D always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.

29. The D is the only one who can "try this at home."

30. The D beat a wall at tennis. Yes. A WALL.

31. The D's blood type is WD-40.

32. If The D wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.

33. The D played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

34. The last man who made eye contact with The D was Ray Charles.

35. The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that The D's basement was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.

36. You are what you eat. That is why The D's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

37. The D owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

38. Circles exist because The D beat the crap out of some squares.

39. The D had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow, and anywhere The D went the lamb was sure to go. So he killed it.

40. The D was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

41. The D invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.

42. Getting murdered by The D counts as a natural cause of death.

43. When The D plays any video game, God mode automatically turns on.

44. The D destroyed the periodic table, saying The D only recognizes the element of surprise.

45. The D puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

46. The D counted to infinity - twice.

47. The D can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

48. Only once has The D ever cried. The only survivors were a bunch of animals and some dude named Noah.

49. The popular video game "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from The D and forgot to pay him back.

50. The D's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.

51. The D and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.

52. The D once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

53. The D irons his shirts while he's wearing them.

54. The D once got caught doing 100 in a 50 zone. The cop did give him a speeding ticket, however The D still pleads his innocence to this day, stating that he was simply out for a morning jog.

55. The D wears a cup not to protect himself, but to protect the players on the other team.

56. The D knows the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow (African *AND* European).

57. Onions do not make The D cry. The D makes onions crap themselves.

58. If you haven't seen Alien vs. Predator yet, don't bother, The D wins.

59. The D was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

60. The D can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

61. The D was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.

62. On a high school math test, The D put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because The D solves all his problems with Violence.

63. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to The D and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

64. The D doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

65. The D does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

66. The D invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

67. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be The D.

68. Crop circles are The D's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down and shut the fuck up!.

69. The D does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. The D goes killing.

70. The D does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction.

71. There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because The D is going to walk.

72. When The D enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

73. The only time The D was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

74. The D has the heart of a child. He keeps it in a small box.

75. The word "lesbian" derives from an old Latin phrase that roughly translates as "She who has not yet been introduced to The D."

76. Superman owns a pair of The D pajamas.

77. The movie Ray is loosely based on the life of The D, only they substituted piano playing for eating toddlers, and blindness for the ability to fly.

78. What scientists thought was natural selection is actually only the continued survival of animals The D has found too chewy to eat.

79. When The D gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

80. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped The D's house one Christmas.

81. The D has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.

82. Weeping Willows are a result of The D yelling at trees for not being tough enough.

83. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when The D punched himself in the face.

84. The D can watch a season of "24" in just three hours.

85. The D is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right fist.

86. The D became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.

87. The D's dog is trained to pick up his own poop because The D will not take crap from anyone.

88. The D sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.

89. The D can predict the shuffle on his iPod.

90. The D used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

91. The D is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.

92. The D doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.

93. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: The D was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.

94. The D can kill two stones with one bird.

95. The D can tie his shoes with his feet.

96. The D is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.

97. The D can make a paraplegic run for his life.

98. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures The D allows to live.

99. When The D gets pulled over he lets the cop off with a warning.

100. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless The D has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Dive Weekend Chapter 4: Lessons Learned, Forgotten Stuff, Random Thoughts

In the final chapter to wrap this little shindig up, I thought I would throw in some stuff that I learned, some stuff I forgot, and some random thoughts that I had in my little experience in the mine and the trip as a whole.

First up, let’s discuss the dive experience as a whole. Overall, I would say that it was an excellent time, and would do it everyday of the week and twice on Sunday. The people were very nice and were ready to help if needed. A few of the safety divers came up to me to let me know that because of the lack of experience that I had that they would be keeping an eye on me. Being the awesome dude that I am I said “Why don’t you jerk-offs keep and eye on this” and grabbed my junk. It was pretty sweet at the time, but not to smart, looking back on it.

The safety at the mine was outstanding. All of the divers are master divers (although there was one Apprentice Baiter their, he hoped to pass his test soon to be promoted to Master Baiter real soon) All have been diving for many, many years. If you are worried about safety when you dive then at this place you don’t have to worry about it. If I felt very comfortable (and I am NEVER comfortable around new people) diving there and so should you.

The only draw back to diving there is the temperature of the water. I can’t even put into words how fucking cool that water was and what a total shock to my system (and my testies, a.k.a James Blackfellow, the right one, and Julius Johansson, the left one. They are both very glad to meet you all), it was when I first jumped in the water. I have never experienced such a high shrinkage factor in my life. I felt like an 8 year old boy. But a nice 20 minuet hot shower and some jumping jacks got my boys to drop, and everything was back to their normal position, if you know what I‘m sayin’. So ladies you can stop worrying about them they are just fine.


When I arrived at Reggie’s house in Overland Park his wife Chrissie made a comment about how much weight I have lost in my face (which of course gave me an instant woody, but that’s beside the point…). I told her thanks and to stop hitting on me right in front of her husband, it’s disrespectful.

As we were sitting around Reggies house just visiting (as my grand mother calls it) Reggie walked past the front of the house and said “The D, your car’s in the street.” The funny part is that he said it like it was no big deal. Like that happens all the time at his house. I really didn’t believe him at the time so about 5 minuets later I get up and check out the drive way and sure enough my car had rolled down his drive and was sitting in the middle of the street. It was, not half way in the street with the front wheels still in the driveway, the WHOLE CAR was in the middle of the street. My first thought was, that ain’t right, did I leave it in gear? Why is my car in the street? Reggie must have done something to my car. But he was in the same room with me the whole time. It had been snowing pretty good for a few hours and it just slid down the slope of the driveway. If Chrissie had not gotten off her ass, like a good wife, and shoveled the drive way it wouldn't have happened. But no one ran into it so it was no big deal. I just went out and moved it. No blood no foul is what I always say.


I was supposed to have the stuff that I rented back to the dive shop on Monday afternoon, but because I am a moron, I kept forgetting about it and did not get it returned until Wednesday night. But the gravy part of it was that they did not charge me for having it back 2 days late. EXCELLENT I thought.


One of the reasons I kept running out of air on every dive was because the BCD that I had rented kept leaking air. You see, the vest is connected to the tank via a hose (obviously) so you can put air in the BCD or take it our depending on if you want to sink or float. That crappy BCD just solidifies the whole reason for wanting to get my own gear but the vest it's self is 500 to 750 bucks.


If you are thinking about getting certified don’t let my experience discourage you from getting it. It’s really a fun sport, but it’s an expensive sport. You could easily drop over 1000 bucks on purchasing your own gear but then you own it and you don’t have to worry about renting substandard stuff again.


The pictures are up on my space page if you want too check those out (I'm not going to email them) but you will have to be my friend to see them. So come on, you know you want too see them you know you want to be my friend, Please? My page is so lonely.

I had unknowingly set my profile so you would have to know my last name or email address in order to send me a friend request. But I have turned that off so if you tried once before please do it again. I’m really sorry it was set like that, I apologize from the heart of my bottom, it will not happen again. Will you forgive me? Please?


That was the Dive Quest hope you enjoyed it.

The End