The D Rules!!

100 Facts That You Didn't Know About The D

1. The D doesn't have to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Tall buildings duck under The D.

2. The D can delete the Recycling Bin.

3. When The D goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

4. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but The D says its beef, then it's beef.

5. Whenever The D plays Chutes and Ladders, he treats the chutes as ladders, because he's not some sissy who can't climb up a plastic slide.

6. When The D deletes files from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.

7. The D can slam revolving doors.

8. Once a cobra bit The D's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

9.The D can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.

10. Giraffes were created when The D uppercut a horse.

11. The D is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.

12. The D was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

13. On his birthday, The D randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

14. The D can speak braille.

15. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for The D.

16. The D once stated that he "doesn't wail on sissy boys." This led to the pink polo shirts with popped collars craze. Little do those pitiful fools know that The D was just making it easier to find sissy boys to wail on.

17. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. The D can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.

18. The D doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

19. The D does not sleep. He waits.

20. The D once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

21. World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, The D ate Kobayashi.

22. If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear The D laughing at you.

23. The D died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

24. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects The D could use to kill you, including the room itself.

25. The D sleeps with a night light. Not because The D is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of The D.

26. The D is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

27. The D's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools The D.

28. The D always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.

29. The D is the only one who can "try this at home."

30. The D beat a wall at tennis. Yes. A WALL.

31. The D's blood type is WD-40.

32. If The D wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.

33. The D played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

34. The last man who made eye contact with The D was Ray Charles.

35. The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that The D's basement was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.

36. You are what you eat. That is why The D's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

37. The D owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

38. Circles exist because The D beat the crap out of some squares.

39. The D had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow, and anywhere The D went the lamb was sure to go. So he killed it.

40. The D was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

41. The D invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.

42. Getting murdered by The D counts as a natural cause of death.

43. When The D plays any video game, God mode automatically turns on.

44. The D destroyed the periodic table, saying The D only recognizes the element of surprise.

45. The D puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

46. The D counted to infinity - twice.

47. The D can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

48. Only once has The D ever cried. The only survivors were a bunch of animals and some dude named Noah.

49. The popular video game "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from The D and forgot to pay him back.

50. The D's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.

51. The D and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.

52. The D once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

53. The D irons his shirts while he's wearing them.

54. The D once got caught doing 100 in a 50 zone. The cop did give him a speeding ticket, however The D still pleads his innocence to this day, stating that he was simply out for a morning jog.

55. The D wears a cup not to protect himself, but to protect the players on the other team.

56. The D knows the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow (African *AND* European).

57. Onions do not make The D cry. The D makes onions crap themselves.

58. If you haven't seen Alien vs. Predator yet, don't bother, The D wins.

59. The D was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

60. The D can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

61. The D was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.

62. On a high school math test, The D put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because The D solves all his problems with Violence.

63. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to The D and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

64. The D doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

65. The D does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

66. The D invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

67. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be The D.

68. Crop circles are The D's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down and shut the fuck up!.

69. The D does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. The D goes killing.

70. The D does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction.

71. There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because The D is going to walk.

72. When The D enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

73. The only time The D was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

74. The D has the heart of a child. He keeps it in a small box.

75. The word "lesbian" derives from an old Latin phrase that roughly translates as "She who has not yet been introduced to The D."

76. Superman owns a pair of The D pajamas.

77. The movie Ray is loosely based on the life of The D, only they substituted piano playing for eating toddlers, and blindness for the ability to fly.

78. What scientists thought was natural selection is actually only the continued survival of animals The D has found too chewy to eat.

79. When The D gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

80. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped The D's house one Christmas.

81. The D has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.

82. Weeping Willows are a result of The D yelling at trees for not being tough enough.

83. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when The D punched himself in the face.

84. The D can watch a season of "24" in just three hours.

85. The D is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right fist.

86. The D became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.

87. The D's dog is trained to pick up his own poop because The D will not take crap from anyone.

88. The D sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.

89. The D can predict the shuffle on his iPod.

90. The D used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

91. The D is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.

92. The D doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.

93. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: The D was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.

94. The D can kill two stones with one bird.

95. The D can tie his shoes with his feet.

96. The D is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.

97. The D can make a paraplegic run for his life.

98. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures The D allows to live.

99. When The D gets pulled over he lets the cop off with a warning.

100. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless The D has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Monday, April 30, 2007

Trolley Run - The Confrontation!

On Sunday morning I ran in the Sabates Eye Center 19th Annual Trolley Run. This is my story and I'm sticken to it:

Saturday night I set the alarm for 6 a.m. Read some of the latest Sports Illustrated, and went to bed about 11:30. I wake up Sunday morning at 6:15 with the alarm blaring. Now I don't think I have to remind you that I absolutely HATE, HATE, HATE, getting up at ANY predetermined time on the weekends. I hate it just second to Pickles.

Anyway I was running a little bit late but it was nothing to worry about. I had plenty of time to make it to the Plaza, park the car, and hop on a bus that would take me to the starting point.

Just as I was leaving the house I did a final systems check. Running shoes, check, socks, check, spandex shorts instead of underwear, check, running shorts, check, company tee shirt, check, Ironman watch, check. Sunday morning poop che.. Oh SHIT! I forgot to take my Sunday morning poop! Back in the house I go (pun IN tended).

I drive down to the Plaza and park in the first garage I get too, drive up to level 4 and park. Get out of the automobile, tie my computer chip (for timing purposes) to my shoe, and pin my bin number to my shirt. Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my keys? I sure as hell wasn't going to run with them in my hand. AHHH I thought I will just take my single car key and tie it to my other shoe! Pure genius idea right there people (you can use that if you want but make sure give me credit). I am so glad I thought of it.

With all that done it was time to get on the bus. I walk down the stairs of the parking garage and walk around the corner and, HOLY SHIT!! Where did all of these fucking people come from!! There must have been at least 10,000 runners there. Then I heard someone yell "Hey there's The D!" Then someone else yelled "We love you The D". Someone else yelled in a spanish accent "You can dooo eet da D!" Then this girl with really nice body and HUGE tits came up to me and gave me a really tight hug and said "I want to have your babies! Please can I have your babies, please! I want you to impregnate me!" They all started applauding me. Then everyone started chanting "THE D, THE D, THE D,...

O.k. so none of that happen but how sweet would that have been! But there was at least 10,000 people waiting for buses to the starting line. So I did the only natural thing to do and cut in line. I walked up to first bus and walked right on.

As I arrived at the starting line at 75th and Wornall in Waldo. I went to the designated are for my bibb color (yellow) and began to stretch out and get motivated. Although, I did not have my Ipod with me to rock out to some Metallica. So I pretty much just stretched.
The fastest runners started (bibb color red) at 7:45 then the green color then the blue (the largest group) and then me in my yellow bibb and then the walkers and strollers.
As they called the yellow to their starting line. I was ready to get moving I mean I was PUMPED!! I was stuck in the middle of the masses so I new that an all out sprint from the starting line was out of the question. The MC, or at least the homeless lady, with the microphone, kept telling us to make sure we stepped on the mat so our time would start, thanks to the computer chip in our shoe laces. I remember thinking great I bet I will be the only one to get electrocuted the mili-second I step on that fucking mat. Then I bet I get trampled to death by all these JERKS. But I did not get hurt in anyway. She said go and the mass started moving to the mate and on to the race.

MILE 1 - As we started north on Wornall I was moving at a pretty kick ass pace I was dodging and weaving and weaving and dodging all though the masses of those slow running PUNKS! We turn right on some street (Gregory I think) I could see the front of our group. I said to myself "Self we are going to catch those Mo-Fos if it kills us" We turn left on Main Street and there are only 2 people in front of me that are from my wave. But we are already catching the really slow walkers/runners from the wave that started in front of us. Then I look ahead to see the "Mile 1" is painted on the street. I go for a quick Tango Charlie (That's a time check for you non military people) I cross the one mile mark at 8:00 minuets even. HOLY SHIT I am really hauling ass here! This is my fastest start ever. Then I take a left on 69th (hehe I said 69) street. There were people sitting on their lawns and cheering us on but, sadly there was no one there cheering The D on. No one yelling "Come on The D you can do it" or "Run fast you disgusting fat body!" So with no one to cheer me on I cheered my self on. "Lets go Fucker!" myself told me. I took a left on Brookside Blvd and knew that we would not be taking anymore turns until we hit the Plaza again. Just past the corner was the second of the 2 hills that I would encounter. I was a bit winded at this point from running over a mile in a full blast pace so I let up a little so I could finish strong. We ran past The Brooksider and all of the other shops in the Brookside shopping district (or is it Center I don't know, whatev). As I passed 63rd street I remember thinking how nice it was to rundown the middle of the street for a change instead of the crappy KCMO sidewalks. I could see the only water station on the course a mile 2. I never did catch those first 2 people from my wave of runners.

Mile 2 - As I was coming up to the water station that was at the half way point of the course. I checked over my right shoulder to make sure I did not cut anyone off that may have been sprinting up on me like some asshole. I grabbed a cup of water on the fly. About 75 to 100 yards past the aid station this little kid come blowing past me he could not have been any older that 10-12 years old. He turns back to me and says "Haha I'm faster than you!" He was sort of singing it like little kids do. At this point he is right next to me and I have a cup of cold water in my hand. I look at him with my best FUCK YOU look. And say "Go fuck yourself, Bitch" and toss the rest of the water in his face. He stops and yells "DAD!!" My fist though was OH, FUCK I AND GOING TO GET MY ASS-KICKED! Then I here some dude yell "I told you not to screw with the runners, didn't I, now get over here, you deserved it". After hearing that I was quite relived. A runner from behind caught up and said that it was the funniest thing he had ever see on this race. I kept looking back expecting to see the kids old man was coming after me with a shot gun or a meat cleaver or a two foot pink jelly dong. My time for the second mile was 17:06. So I was way off my first mile pace. This mile took me 9:06 so I must have slowed a little more than I wanted too.

Mile 3 - I was starting to get kind of bored and I was wearing down. I needed some new motivation. Especially after seeing some people walking toward us with red bib number still on. "Shit they're already finished, I though?" Fucking cheaters I bet they took the bus or some thing, assholes. How can they already be finished? SHOW OFFS! So to remotivate myself I started to look way ahead of me for some hot chicks in sports bras and hot pants. Excellent! I find a red head and a blonde WAY up in front of me. So I pick up the pace and try to catch up to them.

Finish - As I was coming on to the Plaza just before Brush Creek, still chasing the blond and red head, they were still about 75 yards ahead of me. At the intersection of Volker and Brookside Blvd. I hear the announcer at the finish line. Saying "Run all the way though the finish line banner" I look over to my left as I was just crossing over Brush Creek and think "What finish line banner I don’t see any stupid finish line banner? Where the fuck is the finish?" I turn left off of Brookside Blvd on to the west bound lanes of Ward Parkway. I see the finish line and start going full bore flat out sprint, on wait that's not right, I start going FULL BORE FLAT OUT SPRINT to the finish, like a 10 year old being chased my Michael Jackson with a hard-on. The finish was just about half way between Central and Broadway.

After my 2 or 3 block FULL BORE FLAT OUT SPRINT. I passed the finish line without falling down and face planting on the concrete which, if you have ever seen me play softball then you know that NOT falling down during a game is quite an amazing accomplishment for me. I stop my watch just as I cross the finish line. I look at the time but can't really read it because of all the sweat in my eyes and the spitting and the breathing I just make sure that the time has stopped counting. I slow to a walk about 20 yards past the finish (which by the way, still no one there cheering me on). I keep moving so I would not get run over by all those fat asses behind me. (I can call them that because I am one. Even though I am just on the cusp of not being one anymore).

Aftermath - After I catch my breath and turn in my computer chip I look at my watch it reads 35:00, NO FUCKING WAY! I thought there is know way I just ran 4 miles in 35 minuets flat! But that is what the watch says and that is what I am going with. That averages out to a per mile tile of 8:45. Which for me is pretty kick ass if I do say so my self. The time is suspect because I started it at the exact moment that I crossed the starting line. But sadly here is the "official time results"

I walked around a bit afterwards had a few cups of water and then went home for a nap. Overall it was a good time I will defiantly do it again next year. Plus I got a kick ass t-shirt from my employer for free and a second free t-shirt for participating.

Up next The Hospital Hill Run on June 2nd. I have not yet decided if I will run the 5K or run/walk the 10K. But there is no way I am doing the half marathon.

Who wants to join me?

Sunday, April 29, 2007

Old Busted, New Hotness

After I finished customizing this blog I went out the Micocenter and FINALLY bought a new monitor.

This is my home office. With my "Old and Busted" Monitor.

This is me unpacking my "New Hotness Monitor.

Its a 20.1" HD widescreen.

(I was driving home with the windows down so don't pay attention to the hair).

This is my office with my "New Hotness" monitor installed.

This is "Old and Busted" sitting on my guestroom bed getting ready to be banushed to the garage or sold at a garage sale.

Unless you want it?

That is what I did Saturday,

what did you do?

Saturday, April 28, 2007

So what do you think?

So, what do you think? This is the final look of my new template. It's the only 3 column template that I know of from someone in Kansas City. I downloaded it from BlogCrowds. The good thing about it is that it works with the new blogger go I can use the layout to customize it. I really like the layout. I'm over all pretty happy with the final product. The colors are my all a shade or blue which is my fav color.

I got the widgets (the stuff on the left column) are from Yourminis. The MP3 widget is not fully set up yet because I don't have a online playlist from any web site. If fact I don't even know where to find those yet. Suggestion? The songs are just the default playlist that comes with it. The best part of these widgets is the fact that they are all customizable as far as size and colors and transparencies.

You can put any date in the countdown, I just chose my birthday. If you want to put it on your blog or My Space (you copycat) you can put any date in that you want.

The calendar just has the Royals schedule in it for now. The bad thing is that you cant put in individual dates like family birthdays, so that sucks.

The Video widgets is a option from blogger. I have not figured out how to get all 7 of the Chad Vader episodes on there yet.

I found the web sites last night but I didn't find this template or widgets until this afternoon. It took me a couple of hours to get the entire thing set up but overall I am pretty happy with it.

Now I am off to buy a new monitor. Wish me luck!

Now get out side and in joy the weather. And bring me some twinkies when you get back.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

BITCH! BITCH! BITCH!

TONIGHT I AM PISSED OFF, SO I AM GOING TO TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT! (THERE WILL BE A FUCK LOAD OF PROFANITY SO IF YOU CAN'T STAND IT THEN STOP READING NOW!!!)

WHAT IS THE FUCKIN' DEALIO WITH MY BLOGROLLING! IS IT JUST MINE OR IS EVERYONES NOT WORKING? IT HASN'T WORKED IN LIKE A FUCKING MONTH AND ITS REALLY STARTING TO PISS ME OFF!
I HAVEN'T WATCH ONE MINUTE OF T.V. ALL WEEK BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN WORKING ON THAT BULLSHIT BLOG TEMPLATE AND IT REALLY STARTING TO PISS ME OFF!! EVERYTIME I TRY SOMETHIN' NEW IT DOESN'T WORK ONE FUCKING BIT!! SHIT!
AT WORK TODAY THESE TWO ASS-FACES WERE TAKING IN THE NEXT CUBE OVER ABOUT MONDAYS EPISODE OF HEROES (WHICH I STILL HAVEN'T SEEN) AND THIS ONE FUCKTARD TOLD THE OTHER FUCKTARD THE WHOLE ENTIRE EPISODE!! I KNOW THE WHOLE STORY AND HAVEN'T SEEN ONE FUCKIN' MINUTE OF THE FUCKIN' EPISODE! GAWD DAM FUCKTARDS!!!
IF DREW (FUCKIN' WHORE) BARRYMORE IS "THE WORLDS MOST BEAUTIFUL PERSON" THEN I'M THE WORLD'S GREATEST LOVER. GOD DAMMIT!!
WOULD SOME ONE PLEASE SHOOT SAYJAYA OR AS I CALL HIM MAN-JINA. FUCKIN' IDIOT!!
I'M STILL, STILL, STILL HAVING MONITOR PROBLEMS AT HOME!!! WHAT THE FUCK? IT'S BULLSHIT I TELLS YA!!
I HAVE LOST ONLY 2 LBS SINCE ST. PATS DAY. FUCK, DID I DRINK THAT MUCH? ITS REALLY GETTING TOUGH TO MAKE MY FINAL WEIGHT BEFORE SEPT 1ST. GAWD DAM DIET!! FUCK!!
I MISSED THE GOD DAM TRASH DAY TODAY A-FUCKIN'-GAIN!!! I HAVE LIKE 8 BAGS OF SHIT PILED UP BEHIND MY MOTHER-FUCKIN' GARAGE. ITS STARTING TO STINK WORSE THAN A WHORE ON INDEPENDENCE AVE.
IF I GET ONE MORE PHONE CALL FOR CLARENCE (WHATEVER THE FUCK YOUR NAME IS) FROM A COLLECTION AGENCY THEN I AM GOING TO GO APE SHIT!!
IF THIS IS TRUE THEN IT'S THE STUPIDEST THING THE CHIEFS COULD EVER DO. (BESIDES TRADING DON MERIDETH)

I'M DONE. YES I DO FEEL BETTER, THANKS for asking.

(walking out of the room) I'm going to bed. (SLAM! SLAM!! SLAM!!!) Slams door shut repeatedly.

Good Night.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Joke Thursday

101 Ways To Annoy People

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <
7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
14. Name your dog "Dog."

15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".
19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.
21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.
23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."
26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."
27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
34. Drum on every available surface.
35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.
38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks.
39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
41. Set alarms for random times.
42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
45. Honk and wave to strangers.
46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
49. Wear your pants backwards.
50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
53. only type in lowercase.
54. don't use any punctuation either
55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.
61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."
62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
73. Drive half a block.
74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
75. Ask people what gender they are.
76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.
77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".
79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.
81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
86. Wear a LOT of cologne.
87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
88. Sing along at the opera.
89. Mow your lawn with scissors.
90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."
94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
96. Never make eye contact.
97. Never break eye contact.
98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

New Hotness!!

This is my new favorite web site.

I made this there Tuesday night.

Am I AWESOME or What!

Monday, April 23, 2007

The Interview

A few months ago I started to notice that I was getting hits from a blog based out of Minnesota, or maybe it was Wisconsin, to tell you the truth I don’t really know where she is based, it could be (wait for it… wait for it…) Uranus for all I know. I had come to find out that it was a delightful blog called Ms. Momma (she has been nominated for a Bloggers Choice Award for Best Photography Blog so she must know what she is doing).

Anyway a few post back she had a meme sent to her, she did the deal and put it out for people to request an interview from her.

So I requested an interview. (Besides who wouldn’t want to be interviewed by an attractive woman who only blogs while topless, or maybe it’s bottomless, or maybe it’s just while wearing an oversized tee-shirt with my profile pick on it, while staring at a portrait of me she painted on her ceiling (which by the way I bet really creeps her husband (boyfriend, girlfriend, or whatevea, out)… wait, what? I’m getting off the subject here… What was I talking about?

Here are her questions to me, my answers are in a different font than her questions but while I am writing this I have not yet decided which fonts to use so just deal with it!

Q.Your profile says your profession is engineering. Engineers are notorious for having absolutely no personalities and a difficult time socializing. How is it then that you have this amazing sense of humor and the gift of writing about it as well? Did you ever read Mad Magazine?

A. Engineers are known as boring people? How come I was not made aware of this stereotype sooner! I thought I knew about, and believed all stereotypes. (Especially the ones about the Jews and Mexicans) I thought engineers were known for their lack of personalities and no social skills? Wait… you just said that didn't you... o.k., ummm, never mind.

I am not technically an engineer. I am a designer of mechanical systems (which by the way is the only type of manly designer there is, any other type of designer is girly (not that there is anything wrong with that). The engineer decides the size of the duct work or piping and what type of equipment to use. I decide where they go in the building and make sure they all fit. I draw them on the computer using computer added drafting software. I'm also the official company time waster and Screw up. I don’t think I write very well (or is it good, whateva), which is why I apologize for the grammar and spelling over there on the right. I am also super fucking awesome!!!

Yes, I did read Mad Magazine but not on a regular basis, reading is for CHUMPS!

Q. Although I'm a vegetarian, I'm sure someone would be ecstatic to stumble upon your blog and find out where the best barbeque in your home town is. Where's it at The D, and why?

A. Who has the best bar-b-que in Kansas City is a question that men have been fighting wars over, for centuries, it was the cause of that fall of the Roman Empire and I am pretty sure it was the number one reason those STINKIN' JAPS! (as my Papa would say) attacked Pearl Harbor. This is not an easy question to answer but I will do my best.

First off any moron can cook some beef, chicken, turkey or ham, slap it on a bun, dump some sauce on it and call it good bar-b-que. That my friend is NOT the way you judge bar-b-que. You have to judge bar-b-que by a piece of meat that takes talent and YEARS of training and knowledge to prepare and cook. This is why I only judge bar-b-que shacks by one item, and one item only RIBS! Every single self respecting bar-b-que shack will have ribs, if they don’t then get the hell out, FAST!

Eating Bar-b-que in this town is an event it’s self, you can’t just drive thru and get a slab of ribs. It has to be enjoyed, savored, you can’t rush a good bar-b-que meal of ribs. I’m not going to get into condiments such as beans (btw, I thought I would drop this knowledge on ya’ll. Beans, beans are the musical fruit, the more you eat the more you toot! Beans, beans, they’re good for your heart, the more you eat the more you fart! BOO-YA!!) cole slaw, potato salad, and all that jazz. We are only talking RIBS here people!

Some of the more popular places to get a good slab of ribs are, Gates, Arthur Bryant’s, BB’s Lawn Side, Fiorella’s Jack Stack, Hayward, K.C. Masterpiece, Earl Quicks, Rosedale, and Zarda, (they all have some sort of spelling of bar-b-que in the tile and this answer is long enough, so I just dropped it. You can find all of these and more here. I am not going to link to each of them because you can just Google each one of them. Most if not all have a web site that you can order a slab or whatever for yourself and have it shipped any where in the world (even to a Marine in Iraq!). And have it for dinner or lunch the next day if you don’t live in Kansas City.

Now to answer your question, who has the best? For my money, taste buds, and waist line for that matter, I say it’s Earl Quicks I had to link to them because they are my fav ribs. There ribs are sooooo tender you can literally just hold the bone above your head and the meat will just slide off right into your mouth. When I am done eating a slab of these mamajamas, I literally look like Hannibal Lector (in the scene from Silence of the Lambs when he eats that security guards liver) with the sauce all over my face, and even in my hair (and on more than one occasion on my back.) It’s Awesome! I not only have to take a shower after eating a slab I also have to drink a lot of beer but that goes with out saying.

[On a personal note, I actually can’t eat a whole slab of ribs in one sitting. Back in the day (before the diet) I would order a whole slab, but eat only half and save the rest for the next day, and you know what? They were just as awesome!! But sadly I have not had them in about 7 months].

Q. You've been granted an all expense paid vacation to America's Dairyland with me, Ms. Mamma as your host. Do you opt to A.) Go to Lambeau Field for extreme tailgating where the Packers are playing oh, the Chiefs B.) take a private tour of Frank Lloyd Wright's summer home, Taliesin and a couple of local wineries or C.) Go to the Milwaukee Public Art Museum designed by Santiago Calatrava?

A. To answer your question with a question (I know its rude but) is clothing optional on the excursion? I keed, I keed!

Is this a trick question? If I were to choose anything other than Lambeau Field (i.e. the Pantheon of the NFL), all other males of the world would gang up on me, Draw and quarter me, tar and feather me, and make me toss some big fat dudes salad. I would have to turn in my Dude Card! Seriously, how could any self respecting dude not jump at the chance to go tailgate with the second greatest (Chiefs fans are the BEST) football fans in the world? I could teach those ~~fudge~~ Packer fans a thing or 2 about tail gating.

Q. You portray an extreme sense of animation in your blog. As a child, what was your favorite cartoon character or show? What about a favorite character/comedian from SNL?

A. Not sure what you mean by “extreme sense of animation”, but here goes… Wait, are you making fun of me?

Fav cartoon characters are (in no particular order) Scooby-doo, “rut row raggy”, or ZOINKS!, still crack me up, I always had thing for Velma. But that Daphne bitch was a hor! And we all know Fred was gay (not that there is anything wrong with that, I’m just sayin’). And that jerk–ass Scrappy–doo was an annoying little fucker. I also liked Foghorn Leghorn, (Get away from me kid ya bother me!) that big ass roster (no homo) from the Bugs Bunny show. And that little Chicken Hawk (apparently his name is Henry Chicken Hawk) always put a smile on my face. And for some strange reason Woody Woodpecker always gave me a woody.

As far a SNL goes there were a lot of them. My best memory from the first season is Chevy Chase doing the news, his first line “Hello, I’m Chevy Chase and you’re not” HILARIOUS in its simplicity. And Dan Ackroyd yelling at Jane Curtain, “JANE, YOU IGNORANT SLUT!” But those are all actors. I also liked the actress that played Rose Anna Rose Annadanna. She would get the subject matter wrong and Chevy Chase would correct her and she would say “Oh, O.K. ummm never mind”. HI-LARIOUS!!!! My favorite character would take me some time to think about but in the recent season or maybe it was last season was Amy Poehler as Katlin the little girl who screams “RICK, RICK, RICK”. Classic comedy right there. And you can’t forget about Gumby (DAMMIT!).

Q. You've recently lost a bunch of weight the old fashioned way. That is inspiring in today's climate of slice and dice gastrointestinal surgery. What was your motivation to "keep on keeping on" your way to fabulousness? Any tips you care to share? Let's say you just kept losing weight and the only way you COULD stay at your reasonable healthy weight was to eat only one food, what would it be? (okay, you CAN'T pick beer)

A. My motivation to keep going was that I have not, reached my goat weight. My parents always taught me to be goal orientated. Set a goal and do what you have to do to achieve it. If you did not reach your goal, why not? Did you do every thing that you could have done? Was the goal to ambitious or too lofty? Did you aim too high? Did you am too low?

Everyday I set a goal to get a certain amount of work done at the office, in the eight hours that I am there. If I don’t reach that goal I ask my self why? And I try to fix it the next day. I set this goal on the drive to work. On the way home if it’s a day that I will be running then I set a goal for running usually a better time.

Advise? Weight loss is a mother fucker! I have to constantly tell myself that I don’t need that king size Snickers that’s calling my name, or that I actually DON’T have to eat the WHOLE family size box of Mac & Cheese, or the entire drum of Honey Nut Cheerios. The easy part is the exercise, now anyway, When I first started working out I would be so sore I would just day Fuck it. But now if I don’t work out then I feel that I am cheating myself.

The thought process is easy. It’s simple math if you burn more calories that you consume then you will lose weight. Think about it like this: A water balloon is half full of water. If you keep putting water (food, calories) into it then it will continue to grow and expand (just like your waistline). But if you put a hole in the balloon and drain the water out (exercise) then the water balloon will not grow. If you drain more water out, than you are putting in then the water balloon will shrink (just like your waist line.) If you think of it like that then it sounds simple right? Well the water balloon does not crave burgers, fries, pizza, beer, lasagna, bar-b-que ribs, King size Snickers, and all that other stuff.

Now, that is weight loss, that is NOT being healthy. They are two entirely different things. In weight loss I just looked at the calories. If I wanted to eat healthy I would have looked at the grams of fat, calories from fat, amount of sodium, and all sorts of stuff.

There are just a lot of variables to eating healthy. But the number one rule in weight loss (and any trainer will tell you this) is to burn more calories that you consume on a daily basis. If your trainer does not tell you this then they don’t know what they are talking about and you need to get a new one.

A single food? First off beer is not a food it’s a drink so I can have that too. I might sound a little lame here but I would have to say King Size Snickers and Mountain Dew. Yup I could defiantly eat that forever and a day.

Q. Bonus question: Do you find yourself drawn more to the Weather Channel as you age?

A. NO.

(hey look at that it’s a short answer!!! Yeaaaaa!) And I don’t age I get more awesome!

AND CUT!

Would you like me to interview you? I'm down with that so if you're interested:
1. Leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.” (If I don't have your email address (and I prolly don't, leave it in the comment section or click on my profile and send me an email)

2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions*.

3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.

4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post. You will not be able to interview me.

5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

*I promise the first question will NOT be “Will you have sex with me”? I can’t speak for any of the other question though.

Seriously, I will keep all questions on the up and up. No sex questions. Promise.

Friday, April 20, 2007

The Perfect Sammich

I found this article in Yahoo! a few days ago. It attempts to describe the perfect Peanut Butter and Jelly sammich a.k.a PB&J, or as I like to call it heaven in a sammich.

First off they call it a PBJ, what the hell is a PBJ a Public Blow Job? A Partially Birthed Jamaican? It’s called a PB AND J and it stands for a Peanut Butter AND Jelly. How can you intelligently talk about a subject and not even get the name right? Cheese & Rice people get your head in the game for fucks sake!

Now that we have examined that bullshit title lets move on. Lets discuss the PB in the Peanut Butter and Jelly sammich then we will move on to the Jelly (I shall also allow Jam to be discussed). Then we shall examine the bread and assembly. And lastly, we will look at any condiments.

PB - First, these jerk offs tried to include a peanut butter that was actually recalled because of salmonella poisoning or something like that so that just goes to show you how intelligent these people were. The article says that they did not include Jif Extra Crunchy Peanut Butter. That right there folks makes this entire test invalid. It is IMPOSSIBLE (and immoral for that matter) to make a PB&J sammich without Jif Extra Crunchy. And if you do make a PB&J Sammich out of anything other than the best Peanut Butter EVER! Then I am pretty sure you are committing a sin (which one I am not sure of but I think it’s #6) and you are in general a bad person.

J - The Jelly (in the future you may substitute Jam for Jelly. Even though it’s Peanut Butter and JELLY, NOT JAM). My feelings on this are not nearly as strong as they are for the Peanut Butter but I do have some requirements. The Jelly must be grape. I will not waver on this. No apple, black raspberry, blackberry, Currant, Elderberry (whateva those are, they sound yucky) Guave (which I think is bat shit, but I am not sure), Red Raspberry, or strawberry, or peach, no nothing, but grape jelly. My fav is Smuckers, will suffice.

Bread - The article suggest white bread and I agree. (Amazingly, this is the only part of the article that I agree with). There are many types of white bread but really, white bread is white bread, once you have had one brand you have pretty much had them all, just like Mexican women, had one had them all. You can use any type of white bread from Wonder Bread all the way down to the “Always Save” or “Best Choice” store bought brands it really does not matter to me. Parents, leave the fucking crust on the bread for the love of Pete! It is full of important daily nutrients that you and child needs.

Assembly - This is now I do it and this is now you WILL do it if you are ever lucky enough to make me a PB&J sammich. First assemble the materials, you will need one kitchen knife, one jar of Smuckers Grape Jelly, one jar of Jif Extra Crunchy, three (yes 3) slices of white bread.

Step 1 - Spread the PB on one side of 2 slices of bread. Make sure you cover the entire side of the bread, and don’t be stingy on the PB. I like my sammich and my women the same way – sticky! Set one slice aside for later assembly. Lick the knife clean (we don’t want you getting peanut butter in the Jelly jar). Be careful don’t cut your tongue.

Step 2 - Get the last unused slice of bread and apply the Jelly to one side. After you apply the jelly, place the jelly side on top of one side of the previously prepared slice with the peanut butter. Make sure the jelly and the peanut butter are on the inside of the sammich. At this point the sammich should resemble a normal sized sammich that 10 years old would eat. But I am not a 10 year old, I’m 36, so I will need a bigger sammich. Lick the knife clean (think of all the knife licking as an appetizer for you, I on the other hand will consider it foreplay).

Step 3 - Apply the grape jelly to the opposite side of the same slice that has the grape jelly. This will ensure that the jelly is on the inside slice of our triple decker sammich.

Step 4 – Place the previously made slice containing the peanut butter on top of the jelly side of the already made sammich. Lick knife clean.

Whala!! You did it!

But before we consume let’s check our work .My sammich should go like this: (from top to bottom)
Bread
Layer of Peanut Butter
Layer of Jelly
Bread
Layer of Jelly
Layer of Peanut Butter
Bread

If the layering is not correct then you will have to make me another sammich. I will eat this one but you will have to redo it until you get it right. Just like sex keep doing it with me until your satisfied.

Condiments – My fav is Fritos Original Corn Chips. You can use any type of chips that you like after all, this is the United States Of American right? You do have choices you know. You can use any flavor of Fritos, Cheetos, Doritos, or just plain ‘tater chips it’s your choice. But this is my fucking sammich and you will make it the way I choose, GOD DAMMIT, WOMAN!

As far as drink, nothing goes better with a nice triple decker PB&J sammich than a nice glass of 2% milk. Again the milk must be just the way I like it, cold and big just like my women, but white not chocolate.

Personal Customizations – As far as customizations go I like to take the sammich apart and put the Fritos inside the sammich and reassemble. I have been doing it this way since I was 8 and I will keep doing it this way because that is the way I like it. It makes the sammich even crunchier and that is the way I like my sammich, crunchy just like my women.

That my friends is the Perfect PB&J Sammich I call it “The D’s Triple Decker Pecker Wecker Slice of Heaven PB&J Sammich”.

So now you know my favorite lunch, and my favorite dinner (#43). In a few weeks we shall discuss my fav breakfast.

Have a nice weekend and I will see ya'll on Monday!

Peace!

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Thursday Joke

An australian ventriloquist was on a holiday in New Zealand. While strolling through a small town in the South Island he saw a bloke sitting at the side if the road patting his dog. Behind him was his horse n sheep.
’G’day mate he said to the man thats a great looking dog. Mind if i have a chat with him?’
The new zealander says: ’The dog doesn’t talk u stupid aussie!’.
The man ignored him, ’Hey dog hows it goin?’
The dog replied: ’Doin alright.’
The new zealander was suprised! The man continued, ’Is this your kiwi owner?’
’Yup!’ said the dog! ’How does he treat u?’
’Real good!’ the dog seemed to say, ’He gives me good tucker n two meals a day.’
The man then asked the kiwi if he could then talk to his horse.
The Kiwi said, rather definately, "He DOESNT talk."
"G’day horse how’s it goin?"
"Fine, Fine." said the horse.
"How does your owner treat you?"
"Pretty good, thanx for asking, he rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the cold weather."
By now the Kiwi was absolutely astonished.
"Mind if I talk to ur sheep?" said the ventriloquist.
The Kiwi replied "THE SHEEPS A BLOODY LIAR I SWEAR!"

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Tuesday Quickie

I was going to save this for Thursday but its just too funny!

That Pearl one mean Landlord.

Monday, April 16, 2007

I Changed My Shirt! Happy Now?

Hi, how are ya? So what do you think of my new template? I think is like getting a new hair did. It will take a little getting used to. I am about 60% sure I will change it again this week or on Saturday. The one that I want can't be used with the new blogger (I know that "new blogger" is Chinese to those of you that don't have your own blog). I will set up a "test blog" to make sure all of my current stuff changes over and the new stuff I plan on adding will work properly before I release it to the public.

I knew that I had to get away from the green because my my space page is also green and I was thinking that it was just too much green. It was like wearing a green shirt with a different shade of green pants. It was a fashion fo-pa!

So tell me what you think, anyone can comment, and no comments are ever deleted.

On a side note I did not get hit by a car on my run tonight! Which I am super psyched about!! Plus I ran the whole route hills and all!!! I certainly didn't run at a 8 .5 min pace. But that will came with time so I am not worried at all.

Have a good nite! Don't forget to give me your thoughts on the new template.

Weekend Randoms

Howdy Folks! How was everybody’s weekend? Good I hope. Mine was pretty uneventful so this might be short for a change.

On Friday, I went to the gym and broke all previous records. I ran non stop starting at 7.0 mph for 1 mile. Then I went up to 7.2 mph at the 2nd mile. At the 3rd mile I went up to 7.5 mph which is 8 min per mile. At 3½ mile I had to take it back down to 7.2 mph. My total time/distance was 4 miles with a total time of 33.0 minuets exactly. That works out to 8¼ minuets per mile. Which is a vast improvement from previous time and total distance ran at a single time. So I am pretty happy about that. Which also turned out to be the highlight of the weekend.

Saturday I was pretty sore, which I usually am after a run like that. My calves were killing me. So I did a whole lot of nothing that day. Watched a couple of movies on USA network and just screwed around the house all day. I watched the Bourne Identity, with Matt Damon, I had seen it before but it was a pretty good flick. Then I took a 2½ hour nap, which was pretty sweet!!

On Saturday night I stayed home and watched National Treasure with Nicholas Cage. I have also seen it before but it kept me entertained even thought it was a lame movie.

Sunday was yard work, which I used to like to do but after 3 years of living in this house I am kinda getting tired of doing it but it is good exercise, I guess, at least that is what I keep telling myself.

Before I could get started cutting the grass I had to get ride of the gas that was left over from last summer (gas does go bad, and if you try to use bad gas you will screw up your engine, that’s a FACT!) I went to Quicktrip on Westport Road then to the Ace Hardware (Remember Ace is the place BITCHES!) just up the street from there. Then to Sonic for some breakfast at 1 in the afternoon. At Ace I had to get some 2 cycle oil for the blower and the trimmer, the mower uses standard gas just like you put in your car but the leaf blower and the trimmer both have 2 cycle engines which means you have to add the oil to the gas. I also picked up some seed (no homo!) for the yard. I had some left over from last year but I don’t know if I could still use that or not. Besides a bag was only 10 bucks.

After I cut the grass I got out the trimmer. I tried for 30 minuets to get that fucker started and with a lot of cussing I gave in to the fact that it was dead and now I need a new trimmer. That trimmer only lasted 3 seasons and of course it’s just out of the warranty. So I have that going for me. Shit.

I started my taxes Sunday about 4:00 I was done my 7 but I think I must have missed something or screwed something up, because I own money this year, which just can’t be possible. So my brother the attorney is reviewing them now.

I have found a new template that I am going to switch to later this week I know I said I was going to do it last Saturday but my heart just was not in to it. I also know that I said I was going to put it to a vote, well that idea never worked out either. I have 2 posts I have started but have not yet finished that I hope to get posted later this week.

I am aware of the blogger meet up that is going on tomorrow at Harry’s Country Club but I have not yet decided if I am going or not. If I do go then I will not be there until between 8:00 or 9:00. But, I probably should go at least to give the dudes the opportunity to punch me in the face, and the girls the opportunity to kick me in the nutz, for leaving offensive and inappropriate comments on their blogs. But Whatera! Besides why do I feel like the new kid in school and this is the freshman mixer where I will be the one dude that will not know anyone but everyone else will know everyone and non one will talk to me. Boo-who.

Why is it that some of the blogs in my BlogRoll tell me when they have new post and some don’t? Furthermore, why is my blogroll sometimes working and sometimes not? Does anyone have another solution other than Blogrolling?

My monitor is totally screwed at home and it gets worse everyday. For example, this guys site at work is mostly brown, but at home its black. And I can’t even read this dudes site because the text is so small it looks like wavy lines on a page of white paper, but at work its just fine.

I will be running out side tonight so if you are in the neighborhood of Mill Creek Park, or 45th and Roanoke around 5:30 or 6:00 please don’t run over me. Its a 4 mile route but it has some hills so I am shooting for a time of 35 min flat.

That is all I have to say about that! So much for short post, ya’ll have a great week and thanks for reading!

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Happy Blog Birthday!!

Today (April 13) is this blogs First Birthday!!

I have posted 170 differant post. (this is 171)

Thanks to all my readers for making this little blog the most popular in the WORLD!! (At least I think so) Why people want to read about me and my life, I will never know but thanks for reading. If it wasn't for ya'll I would have stoped a long time ago.

And so many comments that I can't count them. (not enough fingers and toes)

On Saturday, or maybe Firday night, I am going to give it a face.

Happy Birthday Blog!!!

Enjoy this classic video.

Joke Thursday (Part Deux)

Just because you are you and I love you. I thought I would give you this video. I think its one of the funniest out there. Its kinda old but my love for you is not.

P.S. It's my Birthday tommorrow!

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Joke Thursday

The truth about that sixth sense

A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK?

The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, Auntie Susie dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son.

The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, granddaddy dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.

The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified. The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.

Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife. "Good God, Dear," he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!"

She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning."

Douche Bag of the Day Award!

From Pop Candy:

Todays award goes to Justin.tv. Where some jerk-off (umm, that would be Justin) is walking around with a camera on his head and brodcastring the whole thing on the net. The sadest part is that he says that he will wear it until he dies, which will be soon if I run in to him.

How is this dude supposed to get laid? This reminds me of a movie but I can't remember the name. Where Matthew McConaughey (I threw that link in for you ladies) has his own reality show.

If I ever mention watching any part of this losers life then I will need you to shoot me in the face cut off my wang, put it in my mouth, and take pictures.

Congratu-fuckin-lations Justin you just won the Douche Bag of the Day award what are you going to do now?

"I am going to go home an film my self wacking OFF!! P.O.V style!! YEA!!!"

Good for you, Jackass

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Minesweeper!

The following a exchange went down just after 3 p.m. today.

Mr. Spacely: (My Bosshole)“Hey The D, What are you working on?”

The D: “Nuttin’! Why what’s up?”

Mr. Spacely: “So you have nothing to do?”

The D: “Just practicing my Minesweeper”. I just beat my best time. Check it out 15 seconds! I shout “THE D RULES!!! YEA!!!”

Mr. Spacely: “Find something do will ya?”

The D: “But Mr. Spacely, how am I supposed to be the Corporate Challenge mine sweeper champion if I don’t practice?

Mr. Spacely: “Mine Sweeper is NOT a Corporate Challenge Event!” he says frustrated.

The D: “What? Mine Sweeper isn’t an event in the Corporate Challenge?”

Mr. Spacely: “No, its not, how get to work”.

The D: “Oh! Then I need something to do.”

Mr. Spacely, shakes his head and walks away, in disgust.
I sit there laughing my ass off!

Proof!

Congrats! Fuck head!

Congrats to Larry (fuckin') Birkhead he was just named the father of Anna Nicole’s bastard baby. He was not even responsible enough to wear a condom while Anna was taking a ride on his bologna pony, but now you have a billion dollar daughter. Congradu-fucking-lations.

Now do the world a favor and kill your dumb shit self. So we don’t have to hear about you overdosing on heroin in 6 months because you can’t take care of a fucking baby. Much less your god dam self.

Poop Troubles!

I just spent the last 30 min walking around the building looking for a toilet to poop in and I am NOT a happy pooper!! This place sucks. I work in a 4 story office building of which we occupy the 2nd and 3rd floors. (Why the 2nd and 3rd floors instead of the 1st and 2nd I will never know). Anyway, there are only 2 bathrooms that we can use (one per floor). We can’t use the 1st or 4th floor bathrooms because we technically don’t occupy those floors. Who occupies those floors you ask? NO-FREAKIN’-ONE they are empty! We are the only company that has residence in this building. We have already been told not to go on the other floors because again, we don’t occupy those floors. We were told after we moved in here at the first of the year. After, or course every time someone needed some thing they would just head to either the 1st or 4th floors and gank it.

Now check out the problem with the bathroom lay out. Each bathroom has 3 urinals, 2 of which are standard height, one is lower to the ground (you know for the 6 year olds that have engineering degrees, but whateva).

[If one more person makes some dumb shit comment about having to use the lower urinal because he doesn’t like the cold water of the standard urinal then I am gonna give him a swirly they won’t soon forget. Or, how they like to use the lower urinal, so they can let their schlong out. Those jokes are played you dumb fuckers].

There are only 2 toilets one of which is handicapped. There are 245 humans in my division. There are 154 in the other division that lives here also. I know this because I just counted them off my phone sheet. Of these 399 total humans, 54 are women so they are excused from this. So that leaves just 4 toilets for the 345 dudes that have to shit every time I have to shit!

So you do the math, 4 poop deposit receptacles and 345 poopers! That leaves 0.01159 toilets for ME TO POOP IN! Not counting the times the bathrooms are closed for cleaning in the middle of the day! WTF, why are you cleaning the bathroom in the middle of the day? Retards

I forget to mention there are cameras EVERYWHERE! This building used to be some kind of Raccoon City or maybe it was the Hive, something like that I really can’t discuss it here. (Big Brother is watching!)

Monday, April 09, 2007

Monday Quickie Part 2

In an effort to get more comments from total strangers. I have turned on the comments so that anyone can comment. So, if you want to comment and you don't have a blogger user name, now you won't have too.

Think of it as my Monday afternoon gift you.

I don't know if you will be able to go back to earlier post and commmet or not, some try it and let me know.

Thanks for reading!

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At work we have this web site that only employees can read. It has all kinds of stuff on it, from benefit information and some general employee information and even want adds, were employee’s can sell there crap.

Today I found this add:

Breast Pump - Medela Pump-In-Style Original breast pump; new, never used; includes pump, pump accessories (2 breast shields, tubing, 4 storage bottles), cooler bag w/freezer pack and bag w/shoulder strap. $200 OBO

Am I the only one grossed out by this? You’re seriously reselling a breast pump?

EEEWWWW!!

I think I just threw up in my mouth.

Monday Quickie

I didn't get a chance to do any of this this weekend.

But it sure looks like fun!!

Friday, April 06, 2007

Friday Quickie

Why is it that I have had this emailed to me 4 times today?

By 4 different friends.

Telling me sigh up for it.

I'm NOT GOING so drop it!

You want to be on T.V then you do it.

Jerks!

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Fitness, Widget, Clothes

On Monday after work the temperature was 80 some odd degrees and totally sunny. It was a perfect day to go for a run outside. I was on the “back nine” if you will, heading home from Mill Creek Park. I was running a pretty good pace although that hill on 43^rd street in front of the Marriott hotel (the pink one) was kicking my ass. I made it up, turned the corner on Wornall Road. As I was running my right foot caught the side of the sidewalk, and down I went with a thud, into the grass between the street and the sidewalk. Pain shoots though my body like a shotgun blast echoing off a canyon wall. I get up start cussing and Mo-Fo-ing everyone. I walk it off but, my ankle hurts the entire run back home. It was still sore after the run and all day Tuesday.

I had forgotten how much I like to run outside the heat from the sun the wind I just love it!. I had also forgotten that it is a lot tougher to run on city streets than it is to run inside on a treadmill. On a treadmill I have a towel that I can wipe my face with to keep the sweat out of my eyes. On the city streets I have to keep using my sleeves or the bottom of my shirt to keep the sweat out of my eyes. On the treadmill I don’t have to worry about the shitty Kansas City, Missouri sidewalks, or traffic at intersections, or hills, or the pollen that mucks up my breathing, or the dryer air, or other people that don’t know that you should keep to the right as if you were diving. (Some morons just don’t get it).

The route that I run is 4 miles round trip. My time was 47:26 Although, I didn’t run the entire route. But I did run 90% of it. I have to be able to run the entire route before April 29^th. That is the date of the Trolley Run. It will be my first ever organized run. So I have to be able to run the entire route. One good thing about it is that my employer is paying for a bunch or us to run in it. They are not paying us to run in it, they are paying our registration fees and giving us free tee shirts. So that should be pretty fun. If you want to take part you can also walk the 4 miles if you want. Get all the info here. (No, my employer won’t pay for you).

The weekend before on the 22^nd I’m going to run in the Broadway Bridge 5K. I ran a 5K (a 5K is 3.1 miles in case you were wondering) on the treadmill last night (Wednesday). My time was 26:00 even. I ran the whole time. Which is a big step for me as far as fitness goes.

One of my many fitness goals for the year is to be able to match or beat my PFT (Physical Fitness Test) time of 20:00. The PFT is the test that all Marines do at least twice a year. The time of 20:00 was my best and last PFT just before I was Honorable discharged in September of 1994, I was 23 at the time. I am 36 years old now.

I already weight the same that I did when I got out of the Corps. At 185 pounds I went in at 165 pounds in October of 1990. Those weights are commonly referred to as my “Killin' Zone” I call it that because I was in the Infantry and my job was to kill people, although I never had the chance.

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I finally put up a new widget on the side titled “This is Good Stuff You Prolly Missed (Part 2)”. It has the same past post as the other “This is Good Stuff You Missed” only organized by labels, instead of by month. So if you want to read all of my post about Medical Stuff, or whatever, you can just click that and it will bring all of them up. But in order for you to read them in chronological order you will have to start at the bottom post and read up. But make sure you don’t read them backwards or they won’t make much sense.

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Last thing, when I bought a bunch of clothes last year I fit into a 40” waist. I am now a 33” waist. So I need to either buy new clothes, or get my current ones tailored. I am thinking that if I get my current ones taken in it would be cheaper than buying new clothes. (Thusly, allowing me to spend more money on the nice Ladies of the Kansas City Metropolitan area when we out to a nice dinner instead of a street meat dinner in Westport).

So should I get my clothes tailored or just buy new? Do you know of any good tailors here in the Metro?

Thanks for reading!! And Have a nice Day!!

Lame!

I think it would be a good idea if I just stopped reading these stupid horoscopes.

Quickie:Something you thought was dead and buried will be reborn today.

Overview:Finally, you meet the person you've been waiting for. There might, however, be a few complications in the works. Don't kick yourself; after all, no one could have foreseen this. Be patient. It all works out.

They are never right and if I went to a different web site it would say something totally different.

LAME!!!

Thursday Joke

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, (GNO) and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away.

Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it.

After finishing, they made their way home.The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties."

"That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

Monday, April 02, 2007

Weekend Round Up

Friday night the fellas and I went to the Brigade game. It was an awesome game, we came back in won by one point in overtime but of course we left at halftime because none of us had eaten dinner and we were all starving. But that is beside the point.

The real story here is the Brigade Girls and all their glorious hotness. We have excellent seats to watch them perform their routines, as you will soon see. And of course I have a new digital camera, so guess what I spent the whole first half doing? That’s right taking pictures of the Brigade Girls.

I’m still learning how use the camera and which settings to use under which conditions. So I knew that some of the pictures would not come out very good and some of them did not come out at all. After all it’s kinda hard to take a picture with a camera in one hand and a full beer in the other. (I am so right handed dominate, that if I were to cut off my left hand I would prolly be just as well off, its just dead weight any way. But I would get some primo parking! Mmmm).

Here are the best ones:

Keg stands any one?

I told you we had good seats!

And here is a video I made by splicing together 2 videos that I took with the camera.(The quality is only decent and I was using my left hand becuse Mr.Awesome wouldn't hold my beer for a freaking second).

At half time we went to a bar that’s inside Kemper. Reggie took this picture of me.

I don’t know what that hand sign means but apparently it’s called “The Shocker” and has been around for quite some time. Here I am thinking I just made up some cool new hand sign. Could it be that I am not as cool as I think I am? (I actually don’t claim to be cool, I claim to be AWESOME but whatev, semantics).

As we were walking out I was telling Reggie that I could fit close to 600 pictures in my 1 gig memory card. He suggested that I change the resolution up to the highest that the camera will allow. So I did and now I can only fit only close to 200 pictures in the camera. But they will be higher quality pictures, so I guess it’s a push. (All pics from this point on were taken with the highest resolution that my camera has built in to it).

After we left at halftime we went to have dinner at the The Bulldog on Main. I had the bruchetta because it did not have any meat in it and it is lent. (I am such a good Catholic Boy)! Plus, I was hungry but I did not want to kill my kick ass buzz that I had going from the 8 beers that we had during the first half of the game. Reggie had the Chicken Madeira, Scooter and Mr. Awesome had the Tilapia with rice curry, Reggie enjoyed his chicken, while Mr. Awesome and Scooter also enjoyed the Tilapia which is some kind of fancy fish. But, they hated the rice curry. Mr. Awesome was quoted to say “This rice curry takes like dry air” Now, I don’t know what dry air taste like because I don’t go around eating dry air, but if it taste anything like that rice curry I don’t want any anyway. It was NASTY! Plus the 4 stalks of asparagus were a nice touch they thought.

We left there and went to the Cigar Box on Grand. While their we say local reporter but I can’t find him on any stations web site so we won't mention Tom Gauwer by name. He wouldn’t pose for a pick with me so he is a douche bag. Even after I offered to let one of my buddies buy him a drink. What an ass!? Beside he was already loaded.

We had Cigars at the Cigar box.

I had a couple of Bacardi and cokes:

And then we called it a night about 11 o’clock.

Or at least they did…

Sad Kermit

I found this via Pop Candy

Apparently Kermit has follen on hard time since Jim Henson died. In his latest video, a cover of Johhny Cash and that Resnor dude, Hurt. Kermit is seen shouting heroin, overdosing on pills, masterbating to a framed picture of Miss Piggy, and worst of all preforming oral sex to (wait for it... wait for it) ROLF THE DOG (or what ever he is, btw ROLF liked it).

You will either laugh your ass of or cry yourself to sleep tonight. I may do both.

You can hear more of Sad kermit from his my space page. He has other cover there also.

He has his own web site also sadkermit.com

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What the HELL am I running from? (2007)

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