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100 Facts That You Didn't Know About The D

1. The D doesn't have to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Tall buildings duck under The D.

2. The D can delete the Recycling Bin.

3. When The D goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

4. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but The D says its beef, then it's beef.

5. Whenever The D plays Chutes and Ladders, he treats the chutes as ladders, because he's not some sissy who can't climb up a plastic slide.

6. When The D deletes files from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.

7. The D can slam revolving doors.

8. Once a cobra bit The D's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

9.The D can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.

10. Giraffes were created when The D uppercut a horse.

11. The D is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.

12. The D was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

13. On his birthday, The D randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

14. The D can speak braille.

15. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for The D.

16. The D once stated that he "doesn't wail on sissy boys." This led to the pink polo shirts with popped collars craze. Little do those pitiful fools know that The D was just making it easier to find sissy boys to wail on.

17. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. The D can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.

18. The D doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

19. The D does not sleep. He waits.

20. The D once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

21. World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, The D ate Kobayashi.

22. If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear The D laughing at you.

23. The D died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

24. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects The D could use to kill you, including the room itself.

25. The D sleeps with a night light. Not because The D is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of The D.

26. The D is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

27. The D's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools The D.

28. The D always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.

29. The D is the only one who can "try this at home."

30. The D beat a wall at tennis. Yes. A WALL.

31. The D's blood type is WD-40.

32. If The D wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.

33. The D played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

34. The last man who made eye contact with The D was Ray Charles.

35. The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that The D's basement was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.

36. You are what you eat. That is why The D's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

37. The D owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

38. Circles exist because The D beat the crap out of some squares.

39. The D had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow, and anywhere The D went the lamb was sure to go. So he killed it.

40. The D was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

41. The D invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.

42. Getting murdered by The D counts as a natural cause of death.

43. When The D plays any video game, God mode automatically turns on.

44. The D destroyed the periodic table, saying The D only recognizes the element of surprise.

45. The D puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

46. The D counted to infinity - twice.

47. The D can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

48. Only once has The D ever cried. The only survivors were a bunch of animals and some dude named Noah.

49. The popular video game "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from The D and forgot to pay him back.

50. The D's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.

51. The D and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.

52. The D once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

53. The D irons his shirts while he's wearing them.

54. The D once got caught doing 100 in a 50 zone. The cop did give him a speeding ticket, however The D still pleads his innocence to this day, stating that he was simply out for a morning jog.

55. The D wears a cup not to protect himself, but to protect the players on the other team.

56. The D knows the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow (African *AND* European).

57. Onions do not make The D cry. The D makes onions crap themselves.

58. If you haven't seen Alien vs. Predator yet, don't bother, The D wins.

59. The D was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

60. The D can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

61. The D was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.

62. On a high school math test, The D put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because The D solves all his problems with Violence.

63. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to The D and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

64. The D doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

65. The D does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

66. The D invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

67. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be The D.

68. Crop circles are The D's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down and shut the fuck up!.

69. The D does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. The D goes killing.

70. The D does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction.

71. There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because The D is going to walk.

72. When The D enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

73. The only time The D was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

74. The D has the heart of a child. He keeps it in a small box.

75. The word "lesbian" derives from an old Latin phrase that roughly translates as "She who has not yet been introduced to The D."

76. Superman owns a pair of The D pajamas.

77. The movie Ray is loosely based on the life of The D, only they substituted piano playing for eating toddlers, and blindness for the ability to fly.

78. What scientists thought was natural selection is actually only the continued survival of animals The D has found too chewy to eat.

79. When The D gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

80. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped The D's house one Christmas.

81. The D has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.

82. Weeping Willows are a result of The D yelling at trees for not being tough enough.

83. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when The D punched himself in the face.

84. The D can watch a season of "24" in just three hours.

85. The D is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right fist.

86. The D became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.

87. The D's dog is trained to pick up his own poop because The D will not take crap from anyone.

88. The D sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.

89. The D can predict the shuffle on his iPod.

90. The D used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

91. The D is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.

92. The D doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.

93. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: The D was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.

94. The D can kill two stones with one bird.

95. The D can tie his shoes with his feet.

96. The D is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.

97. The D can make a paraplegic run for his life.

98. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures The D allows to live.

99. When The D gets pulled over he lets the cop off with a warning.

100. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless The D has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Fitness, Widget, Clothes

On Monday after work the temperature was 80 some odd degrees and totally sunny. It was a perfect day to go for a run outside. I was on the “back nine” if you will, heading home from Mill Creek Park. I was running a pretty good pace although that hill on 43rd street in front of the Marriott hotel (the pink one) was kicking my ass. I made it up, turned the corner on Wornall Road. As I was running my right foot caught the side of the sidewalk, and down I went with a thud, into the grass between the street and the sidewalk. Pain shoots though my body like a shotgun blast echoing off a canyon wall. I get up start cussing and Mo-Fo-ing everyone. I walk it off but, my ankle hurts the entire run back home. It was still sore after the run and all day Tuesday.

I had forgotten how much I like to run outside the heat from the sun the wind I just love it!. I had also forgotten that it is a lot tougher to run on city streets than it is to run inside on a treadmill. On a treadmill I have a towel that I can wipe my face with to keep the sweat out of my eyes. On the city streets I have to keep using my sleeves or the bottom of my shirt to keep the sweat out of my eyes. On the treadmill I don’t have to worry about the shitty Kansas City, Missouri sidewalks, or traffic at intersections, or hills, or the pollen that mucks up my breathing, or the dryer air, or other people that don’t know that you should keep to the right as if you were diving. (Some morons just don’t get it).

The route that I run is 4 miles round trip. My time was 47:26 Although, I didn’t run the entire route. But I did run 90% of it. I have to be able to run the entire route before April 29th. That is the date of the Trolley Run. It will be my first ever organized run. So I have to be able to run the entire route. One good thing about it is that my employer is paying for a bunch or us to run in it. They are not paying us to run in it, they are paying our registration fees and giving us free tee shirts. So that should be pretty fun. If you want to take part you can also walk the 4 miles if you want. Get all the info here. (No, my employer won’t pay for you).

The weekend before on the 22nd I’m going to run in the Broadway Bridge 5K. I ran a 5K (a 5K is 3.1 miles in case you were wondering) on the treadmill last night (Wednesday). My time was 26:00 even. I ran the whole time. Which is a big step for me as far as fitness goes.

One of my many fitness goals for the year is to be able to match or beat my PFT (Physical Fitness Test) time of 20:00. The PFT is the test that all Marines do at least twice a year. The time of 20:00 was my best and last PFT just before I was Honorable discharged in September of 1994, I was 23 at the time. I am 36 years old now.

I already weight the same that I did when I got out of the Corps. At 185 pounds I went in at 165 pounds in October of 1990. Those weights are commonly referred to as my “Killin' Zone” I call it that because I was in the Infantry and my job was to kill people, although I never had the chance.

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I finally put up a new widget on the side titled “This is Good Stuff You Prolly Missed (Part 2)”. It has the same past post as the other “This is Good Stuff You Missed” only organized by labels, instead of by month. So if you want to read all of my post about Medical Stuff, or whatever, you can just click that and it will bring all of them up. But in order for you to read them in chronological order you will have to start at the bottom post and read up. But make sure you don’t read them backwards or they won’t make much sense.

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Last thing, when I bought a bunch of clothes last year I fit into a 40” waist. I am now a 33” waist. So I need to either buy new clothes, or get my current ones tailored. I am thinking that if I get my current ones taken in it would be cheaper than buying new clothes. (Thusly, allowing me to spend more money on the nice Ladies of the Kansas City Metropolitan area when we out to a nice dinner instead of a street meat dinner in Westport).

So should I get my clothes tailored or just buy new? Do you know of any good tailors here in the Metro?

Thanks for reading!! And Have a nice Day!!

Scribbled down by "The D" Tango Charlie of this post 7:41 PM

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