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100 Facts That You Didn't Know About The D

1. The D doesn't have to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Tall buildings duck under The D.

2. The D can delete the Recycling Bin.

3. When The D goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

4. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but The D says its beef, then it's beef.

5. Whenever The D plays Chutes and Ladders, he treats the chutes as ladders, because he's not some sissy who can't climb up a plastic slide.

6. When The D deletes files from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.

7. The D can slam revolving doors.

8. Once a cobra bit The D's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

9.The D can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.

10. Giraffes were created when The D uppercut a horse.

11. The D is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.

12. The D was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

13. On his birthday, The D randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

14. The D can speak braille.

15. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for The D.

16. The D once stated that he "doesn't wail on sissy boys." This led to the pink polo shirts with popped collars craze. Little do those pitiful fools know that The D was just making it easier to find sissy boys to wail on.

17. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. The D can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.

18. The D doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

19. The D does not sleep. He waits.

20. The D once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

21. World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, The D ate Kobayashi.

22. If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear The D laughing at you.

23. The D died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

24. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects The D could use to kill you, including the room itself.

25. The D sleeps with a night light. Not because The D is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of The D.

26. The D is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

27. The D's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools The D.

28. The D always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.

29. The D is the only one who can "try this at home."

30. The D beat a wall at tennis. Yes. A WALL.

31. The D's blood type is WD-40.

32. If The D wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.

33. The D played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

34. The last man who made eye contact with The D was Ray Charles.

35. The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that The D's basement was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.

36. You are what you eat. That is why The D's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

37. The D owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

38. Circles exist because The D beat the crap out of some squares.

39. The D had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow, and anywhere The D went the lamb was sure to go. So he killed it.

40. The D was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

41. The D invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.

42. Getting murdered by The D counts as a natural cause of death.

43. When The D plays any video game, God mode automatically turns on.

44. The D destroyed the periodic table, saying The D only recognizes the element of surprise.

45. The D puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

46. The D counted to infinity - twice.

47. The D can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

48. Only once has The D ever cried. The only survivors were a bunch of animals and some dude named Noah.

49. The popular video game "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from The D and forgot to pay him back.

50. The D's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.

51. The D and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.

52. The D once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

53. The D irons his shirts while he's wearing them.

54. The D once got caught doing 100 in a 50 zone. The cop did give him a speeding ticket, however The D still pleads his innocence to this day, stating that he was simply out for a morning jog.

55. The D wears a cup not to protect himself, but to protect the players on the other team.

56. The D knows the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow (African *AND* European).

57. Onions do not make The D cry. The D makes onions crap themselves.

58. If you haven't seen Alien vs. Predator yet, don't bother, The D wins.

59. The D was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

60. The D can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

61. The D was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.

62. On a high school math test, The D put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because The D solves all his problems with Violence.

63. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to The D and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

64. The D doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

65. The D does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

66. The D invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

67. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be The D.

68. Crop circles are The D's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down and shut the fuck up!.

69. The D does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. The D goes killing.

70. The D does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction.

71. There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because The D is going to walk.

72. When The D enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

73. The only time The D was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

74. The D has the heart of a child. He keeps it in a small box.

75. The word "lesbian" derives from an old Latin phrase that roughly translates as "She who has not yet been introduced to The D."

76. Superman owns a pair of The D pajamas.

77. The movie Ray is loosely based on the life of The D, only they substituted piano playing for eating toddlers, and blindness for the ability to fly.

78. What scientists thought was natural selection is actually only the continued survival of animals The D has found too chewy to eat.

79. When The D gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

80. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped The D's house one Christmas.

81. The D has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.

82. Weeping Willows are a result of The D yelling at trees for not being tough enough.

83. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when The D punched himself in the face.

84. The D can watch a season of "24" in just three hours.

85. The D is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right fist.

86. The D became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.

87. The D's dog is trained to pick up his own poop because The D will not take crap from anyone.

88. The D sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.

89. The D can predict the shuffle on his iPod.

90. The D used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

91. The D is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.

92. The D doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.

93. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: The D was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.

94. The D can kill two stones with one bird.

95. The D can tie his shoes with his feet.

96. The D is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.

97. The D can make a paraplegic run for his life.

98. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures The D allows to live.

99. When The D gets pulled over he lets the cop off with a warning.

100. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless The D has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Saturday, February 09, 2008

Last post

This is my last post here on Blogspot. Go to www.the-d-rules.com or click here and it will take you straight there.

Be cool and update your blogrolls, RSS, and links, please.

Thanks for reading.

And I'll see y'all there Monday.

Scribbled down by "The D" Tango Charlie of this post 5:42 PM |

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Friday, February 08, 2008

Bag Pipe!

Is there a better use of bag pipes in a rock song?



I think NOT!

And while we're all rockin'. Lets not for get my 2008 Theme song!

Scribbled down by "The D" Tango Charlie of this post 1:00 PM |

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Lost


Sorry folks I'm pretty swamped at the office today so I won't have time to give you my thoughts on last nights Lost. Feel free to post any comments you have about the episode. Go over to Pop Candy to read about a kabillion other peoples thoughts. One thing I noticed from Pop Candy is that one hour after the show ended there were already over 150 comments.


I'm in between projects of my own so I'm helping other people get caught up on their projects or just doing the clean up of projects.
Fun stuff let me tell ya!

Scribbled down by "The D" Tango Charlie of this post 8:33 AM |

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Thursday, February 07, 2008

Thursday Joke

This is the least amount of effort that I have ever put into these Thursday Jokes.

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot. At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful Bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.

When Walt was finished, Mary asked "How much for that faucet?"

Walt replied, "That's pewter and it costs $300."

"My goodness that sure is a lot of money!" Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Walt yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?" Mary replied, "No, but I will for the faucet."

Scribbled down by "The D" Tango Charlie of this post 1:14 PM |

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Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Snow day?

I have a rule on snow days. If the majority of the schools that I attended, while growing up in K.C.K, are closed then I’m calling sick to work.

I forgot to check the news before I left for work. I usually check 5-10 min of local news just to see if there are any accidents on my route to the office.

So, now I’m at work and I just checked the list of over 150 school closings in the Kansas City Metropolitan Area (a.k.a. KC metro, or “The Metro, if you will). Imagine my surprise when I see not one, but ALL of the schools that I attended, Wyandotte County Catholic Schools, (Christ the King, and Bishop Ward) KCKCC, and JCCC, are all canceled today.

What is up with that? When I was in grade school, at Christ the King, we never and I mean NEVER, EVER had school canceled. (We did one day in grade school but that was because the boiler busted and there wasn’t any heat.) Even in the blizzard of ’78 we still had school.

We didn’t take the bus our parents drove us and some other kids from the ‘hood. My mother is a terrible driver. I won’t let her drive when we go somewhere together, which I avoid at all cost. She is so bad… (this is where you say… “How bad is she?”) My mother is such a bad driver that my younger brother C-boy once fell out of the car WHILE SHE WAS DRIVING. (Which is a hilarious story, I’ll have to tell you some time.)

But, if we did have a snow day I can guaran-fuckin’-tee you Dad would have had us out shoveling the driveway. And while we were shoveling he would have been calling the neighbors asking if they wanted us to shovel their driveway. Which have been ok, if he wouldn’t have taken a 45% sales commission.

But The SIS got to say inside and do laundry.

Anyway, my point is kids these days are soft, squishy, and taste like chicken.

Wimps!

(*there was no blizzard in ’78 that I can remember, I just made that up for dramatic purposes)

Scribbled down by "The D" Tango Charlie of this post 9:52 AM |

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Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Just like...

...the Jayhawks who crushed the Missouri Tigers last night.


From File Girl. Thanks!

November is only 6 short months away. Get it here. Or find more here.

Scribbled down by "The D" Tango Charlie of this post 9:21 AM |

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Monday, February 04, 2008

Wondering...

Why would someone bring in left over Superbowl food to your office? Hot wings, chips, cold nacho cheese, some (kind of crappy) salsa, and half a crock pot of chili? Don't even get me started on the stench.

Is it just me or did the majority of the Superbowl commercials suck balls?

Tonight is the Boarder War, MU vs. KU at Allen Field house in Lawrence KS. 8 pm on ESPN. Then stay tuned for Sportscenter.

Scribbled down by "The D" Tango Charlie of this post 9:42 AM |

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Friday, February 01, 2008

Lost Questions and Answers

Last night was the premiere of the greatest show on earth. If you missed it or did not DVR it then I’m sorry about your luck.

Lonnie came over just before 8 PM with Minskys pizza we watched the pregame which started at 7 and fast forwarded thought the commercials. Watching a TV any show or sporting event is really the only way to do it these days. It keeps the show moving and you spend less time in front of the TV while watching more shows or games.

As we started watching the season premiere she stood up and announced that “All talking should cease and desist immediately or there would be consequences”. Of course it was just the 2 of us. So, I really don’t think it was necessary to make such a rude announcement. But whatev.

Here are my questions, my own answers are italicized: (These are just my thoughts so I wouldn’t consider them spoilers. If you want spoilers you’ll have to find then on your own.)

  • Hurley running on the beach in slow mo. HILARIOUS!!!
  • Hurley does know Anna Lucia Cortez. Why would he tell the cop that he didn’t?
  • Sawyer drinking beer, while Juliet digs a hole. What a gentlemen that Sawyer is.
  • Who are the Oceanic 6? One would assume they're the lone six survivors of flight 815. We know who 3 are Jake, Kate, Hurley, who are the other 2? We know one of them is dead from last seasons final episode; Jack went to their funeral and was that only one there. There is great speculation as to who is the dead dude in the coffin.
  • Who is Naomi’s sister? I think we will find out soon that it is someone that was/is on the island.
  • I believe Hurley’s flash forwards are before Jacks flash forwards from last season. Jack seamed more put together although he was drinking OJ and Vodka at 8 am. Just as soon as you see the camaro on the news report Jack says “Dammit” Because he knew that it was Hurley in that car. I also know it was Hurly because that was the same kind of car that he and his dad were working on when Hurley was a kid. (Hurley’s dad is played by Cheech Marin from Cheach and Chong.)
  • Who is Matthew Abbadon? The black dude that came to See Hurley in the mental hospital. Why did he ask “Are they still alive?” Who sent him? Is he really with Oceanic Air? When the groups separate, one with Locke one with Jack. Just one of the groups gets separated. The rescuers ask, if that was all of them? Someone says “yea that is all of us”. when they intentionally left one group on the island. Matthew is with D.A.R.M.A and wants to know if there are any other people left on the island. Now years later the people that get rescued feel so much remorse that they start to have problems functioning in life. Jack becomes and addict, Hurley goes crazy again.
  • Who is the lady and the child that ran in to Jacks truck as he was standing on the bridge ready to jump in last season final episode? Here’s my theory; We don’t know when that scene is supposed to take place but it’s long enough for him to grow a beard. Why does he want to fix the lady so much? Why does he care? He cares because the lady in the car is Claire and the boy in the hospital with the broken arm is Aaron her son.
  • In last seasons finally Kate tells Jack that she “needs to get back to him”, or something to that affect. Who does she need to get back to? I think it’s her son, and who dat baby’s daddy? Sawyer. She is NOT refering to Sawyer she is refering to thir son. Sawyer is NOT one of the Oceanic 6. He dies on the island
  • Who are the people on the boat if it’s not Penny Widmore? Remember, last season in Bens flashback he was brought to the island with his father Roger, (who was found dead in the van that Hurley found in the jungle), as member of the D.A.R.M.A (Department of Heuristics And Research on Material Applications.) Initiative Ben meets another group of “Hostels” that he becomes friends with and ultimately kills all of the members of D.A.R.M.A.

Still with me?

  • So now all of the original members of D.A.R.M.A are now dead. So Ben and the “Hostels” assume control of the island and turn on the signal jammer that Charlie turned off. Now that the jammer is off the island can now be found by anyone. Ben knows this and knows that people from D.A.R.M.A have been looking for the island ever since he and the Hostels took it over. Naomi found the island by accident just like everyone else, including Desmond and the dude that was pushing the button before Desmond. The people on the boat ARE FROM D.A.R.M.A!!!
  • Who does Hurley see in the cabin? The guy in the chair is Jacob (obviously it’s his cabin). But who is the other dude who we only see for a second? I think it’s Dr. Marvin Candle the Doctor from the hatch orientation films.

This weeks Lost wrap up was brought to you by the letter “P” cause that is what I gotta do now.

Agree? Disagree? What are your thoughts? Lets discuss!

This might become a weekly Friday feature, I don't know, it all depends on time.

Y'all have a nice weekend.

Scribbled down by "The D" Tango Charlie of this post 2:07 PM |

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Thursday, January 31, 2008

Lost Character

Really quick before I start watching lost.

Scribbled down by "The D" Tango Charlie of this post 7:24 PM |

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Thursday Joke

From The Cajin or is Cajun? Whatev, (She is 33.3% of the D.C. Krew)

When you have fat friends, there are no see saws...only catapults.

That's it, too excited for LOST tonight!

Scribbled down by "The D" Tango Charlie of this post 3:50 PM |

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Wednesday, January 30, 2008

The Sun Shines...

...on a dogs ass every once in while.

Congrats to KSU for beating KU for the first time EVER in Bramlage Coliseum. You're 1-19 vs KU in YOUR OWN HOUSE!

And Congrats to Erin for seeing KSU beating KU at home for the first time, in her life it truly must be a a wonderful feeling.

KU would never let a streak like that happen.

And congrats to the rest of you KSU bloggers, Chimpo, Emawkc, and Nightmare. (I'm clearly out numbered here.)

Scribbled down by "The D" Tango Charlie of this post 10:06 PM |

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Mish-mash

Today the Kansas Sampler Foundation announced its 8 “Wonders of Kansas”. The winners are:

  • The world’s largest hand-dug well, Greensburg
  • Cheyenne Bottoms and Quivira National Wildlife Refuge, Barton and Stafford counties
  • Eisenhower Presidential Library and Museum, Abilene
  • Kansas Cosmosphere and Space Center, Hutchinson
  • Underground Salt Museum, Hutchinson
  • Monument Rocks and Castle Rock, Gove County
  • St. Fidelis Church (Cathedral of the Plains), Victoria
  • Tallgrass Prairie National Preserve, Chase County

I challenge the validity of this list for one simple reason! I’m not on the frakin thing!!! WTF? Dudes!! Srlsy? This is at travesty BEYOND BIBLICAL PROPORTIONS!! Call your congressman (or woman) and demand a recount!!


************************************

KU plays KSU tonight in the Sunflower Showdown, 7 pm on channel 38 on Direct TV. (I have no idea what channel it is on for Time Warner and Dish Networks cause those systems suck donkey balls.) KSU has not beaten KU in Bramlage Coliseum since 1983, that’s 25 years. (Bramlage opened in ‘88). Beasley is the highest scoring player in the big 12 this season to date. If KU shuts him down KU wins easy by 20. KSU is a one man band. Without Beasley we’d be talking 0’fers for KSU. I'll be watching with my crew at Tanners on 87th.


************************************

I’m so effin’ busy with work and a project at home I literally don’t have time to shit. But I had a huge break though with the project at home so hope fully things run smoothly from here on out.

************************************

My best pal Lonnie is pissed off at me becaue I haven’t blogged about her new daughter yet. (even thought I set up my space and Facebook pages for her. I'm her first Friend!!!!) If I had the time of some photos maybe I will.

Scribbled down by "The D" Tango Charlie of this post 3:49 PM |

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Monday, January 28, 2008

Lost Captions

The Kansas City Star, my hometown paper of record, (whatever the fuck that means) is doing a contest to see who can come up with "extraordinary captions" for some pictures from the greatest Television show in the history of television shows EVER!

I think that paper is shit so I'm not going to enter the contest. The only thing you get for winning is your name in the paper. My name has already been in the paper enough lately. Over the weekend I was arrested for... wait for it... wait for it... being too fuckin, Awesome! So I thought I'd skip the formalities and just do the contest here.


What show is it, you ask? Well, it's Lost of course you stupid, dirtbag! How could you not know that? Srsly, what planet are you from? Well, you should go back to it because we don't let Dicks on this planet. And yea, your a Dick if you don't watch Lost.

The first season it was out I would spend every waking moment searching the internets for clues as to what the fuck was going on on the Island. I had about 50 different web sites I would check HOURLY at work and once again when I would get home. Then I was transfered to our home office and lost all of them and didn't have time to get them back for the second season. It nearly drove me crazy.

I'm commonly referred to as "That Lost Dude" at work. Which is a title that I have grown to accept. But I don't always think they're referring to the show when someone calls me that. But whatever.

(FYI if you haven't been watching the "missing pieces" webisodes then your totally fucked for this coming season. They're less than 5 min long so go watch them when you can. You can get caught up during your lunch. Or you can get a full update to the series in 8:15 (!!!!!!!!!) here.)

The season 4 premiers this Thursday at 7 pm. I really dont' know why you don't already have your DVR set for the season pass. Coincidentally, I spent my weekend watching all 23 episodes of season 3, that equals to about 18 hours of television that I watched this weekend. Yea that is a lot of TV. But it was totes worth it, I pretty much know every thing that has happened last season. If I were to be on a game show about Lost right now I would totes win!

Anyway, add your own captions in the comments if you like. This is not a contest. But if you want to send me nude pics of yourself I would not reject them. (No fatties, No dudes.)


1. Ben a.k.a Henry: "Hey, How you doooin'? Come here often?"

1a. Ben a.k.a Henry: "Please stop pummeling me! It hurts!"

1b. Russo Thinking: "Look how tough I look standing here"

1c. Ben a.k.a Henry: "Jesus, lady whadda ya eat?







2. Alex: "Yes I would like some of your island hooch, Carl."

2a. Carl: Don't worry Alex there isn't much GHB in this.

2b. Alex: "I like water it's yummy in my tummy"



3. Sawyer: "The next person to fart in my face while I'm sleeping gets a bullet in the FACE!"

3a. Sawyer: "We all know you ate all the ding-dongs, Jumbotron, so just admit it!"

3b. Locke: "What's going on here! Is it a circle jerk? Good! Sawyer, since your already in the middle your the pivot man."



4. Sun: Oh My Gawd!! Claire, Jins pe-pe is so small I have a hard time even finding it, hehehe" Do you think Hurley's is bigger? Cause I'd like to ride that whale! Hehehehehe!

Claire: Yea, American cocks a much bigger that anyone else's. hehehehehe!

4a. Claire: Yea, I totes gave Charlie a Dutch oven last night, he go so mad. It was Hilarious! It stunk sooooo bad, I think it burnt off his eyebrows, hahahah!


5. Benard: "JESUS, Sayid!! What fuck did you eat?!?! Did a wombat crawl up your ass and die? Holy fuck man, that's HORRID!!"

5a. Sayid: "Stand back I'm going to let another face-melter go!"

5b. Juliet: "I wonder if Iraqis dicks taste like chicken? They smell like chicken."


6. Benard: "AAAAAHHHH! This is the best shit I've taken in 3 months! DAMMIT I FORGOT TO DROP MY PANTS AGAIN!! FUCK!!! Rose, can you clean me?"

6a. "If that fuckin Iraqi farts on me one more time I'm going postal!!"

6b. "Fifty bucks the Smails boy picks his nose"










7. Thinking: "Look how sexy I look standing here stroking my rifle. Yea, ladies you know you want to get a taste of my 50 cal rifle. I'm fuckin' amazing."

7a. Thinking "You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? Then who the hell else are you talkin' to? You talkin' to me? Well, I'm the only one here. Who the fuck do you think you're talking to? Oh, yeah? Okay! [whips out gun] Huh?

7b. Thinking: I'm the Greatest Scottsman to ever walk the planet. Hehehehe, I said "Great Scot just like that douche fro Star Trek, hehehe, Fuck I'm sexy!


8. Extra in grey tee shirt on the left: "Hey, every one Claire shit her pants again! Look, HAHAHA!!!!"

Everyone chanting: Claire's a poopy pants! Poopy Pants Claire!

8a. Clarie crying: "I can't help it Charlie keeps putting it in the wrong whole, and I'm all stretched out."










9. Kate: "Jack I'm not going to lick your ass any more until you start using toilet paper."

9a. Kate: "Yes, Jack I rode Sawyers high hard one, while we were in the cages, but I was thinking of you the whole time. I'm a 5 cent whore, you know that"

9b. Jack: "Kate, I'm going to take this satellite phone and shove it up you cooch if you don't get your dam dirty hand off my face."








Leave your own captions in the comments. Just be sure to number them.

(I have no idea what is up with the spacing of this post so don't ask.)

Scribbled down by "The D" Tango Charlie of this post 8:52 PM |

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Friday, January 25, 2008

Annoyed

You know that feeling you get just before you sneeze? That feeling just before you inhale and then sneeze? That feeling in your knows that little tickle, that says "Hey buddy there is something in your nose and you need to get ride of it FAST!" You do? Good Cause I've had that feeling for the last 2 hours.

It’s annoying as fuck!!

GAH!!

Anyway, check out my new scrolling text. It’s 100 Facts that you didn’t know about me, The D. And the best part, they’re all TRUE!! (the twitter updates are on the right. (like you read then anyway)

Y’all have a nice *AAA-CHOOO* day! WOW! That sneeze was so good I almost had an orgasm!

Scribbled down by "The D" Tango Charlie of this post 8:43 AM |

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Thursday, January 24, 2008

Thursday Joke: Steven Wright

For today's Thursday Joke I thought I give you some one-liners from one of my favorite comics, Steven Wright.

  • You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... And all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
  • Last night, I walked up to this beautiful woman in a bar and asked her, "Do you live around here often?" She said, "You're wearing two different colored socks." I said, "Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness." Then she asked, "How do you feel?" and I said, "Well, you know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time."
  • Right now I'm having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
  • Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.
  • I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one... It wasn't doing what I was doing.
  • I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me-and I didn't hear it.
  • I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."
  • A woman asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now."
  • I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

And my favorite line from Steven Wright: I once bought some powdered water... I didn't know what to add to it.

Scribbled down by "The D" Tango Charlie of this post 9:06 PM |

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Wednesday, January 23, 2008

WATCH OUT CHUCK!!

Chuck Norris better watch his back.

This is one bad ass HR PUNK ROCK CHICK!!

Scribbled down by "The D" Tango Charlie of this post 7:37 PM |

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Sickness, TMI, Maybe? Probably

The good news is that I did not wake up dead this morning.

Last night I was wishing someone would whack me upside my head with a 2x4 accompanied by a rusty nail sticking out of it. It would have helped my head drain of all the nasty snot rockets. It was one of those kinds of head colds where you can only breathe out of your mouth and one side of your nose. But when you lay down on, say your right side, you can feel every thing shift to the right side of your head. And for a few glorious minuets you can breathe out of both nostrils. But after your back to the hell of halving a cork stuck up one side of your nose. Then you roll back over to your left side and it all shifts with you again. It’s like a fun game of teeter-totter only its not fun it's some kind of sick fucking torture . I was doing so much tossing and turning last night that I made myself nauseous and almost threw-up.

It’s one of those head colds that no matter how hard you blow your nose, that shit just won’t come out. You want to stick a 12 foot Q-tip up there so you can punch a hole in the blockage and just stand over the sink or toilet and let it drain out like an open fire hydrant. But instead you just keep blowing your nose so hard that you almost shart while doing it. Not a good feeling, let me tells ya, yo!

Then as the day worn on the symptoms have changed and NOT for the better. I no longer have all of the head/face/nasal cavity issues. But now I have lower abdominal craps, (THEY’RE NOT MENSTRAL!!), and VERY explosive, I'm talking atom bomb explosive Hershey Squirts, you know, the green apple splatters, swamp ass, a case of the mud butt. (Is that enough? Cause I have more.)

I hate having diarrhea, but I hate pickles more. If I had to chose between eating a pickle or having echoing, explosive H-bomb type shits for the rest of my life. I would take the shits everyday of the week and twice on Sunday.

Note to self: It would be a good idea to move the TV in to the bathroom tonight.

I hope there isn't much traffic on the drive home of I might not make it. I wonder is any one has a cork I could barrow?

What makes this even worse is I have off-site training tomorrow! But hey, it's a free lunch!

Scribbled down by "The D" Tango Charlie of this post 2:52 PM |

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Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Get a Clue

I don't understand why everyone if freaking out about Heath Ledgers death. It doesn't effect me or anyone that I know. He was a foreigner and probably here illegally, so who gives a shit if he's dead? It doesn't affect you in any way what-so-ever. So get over it already. You'll still get your Dark Knight movie this summer, so stop worrying your pretty little head.

The top story today wasn't even the Semler resignation from the parks board. I bet your thinking that because she resigned those conventions, that left, will all come back now? Keep dreaming, buckaroo, they won't!

The top story wasn't even the news, out of Jeff City, that Governor Blunt won't be running again in the next election. He said he isn't because he has reached all of his objectives. You you hear that Missouri, you're effing perfect according to Butt-face Blunt.

No, no, ladies and gents,

What you should really be talking about (besides me being very, very, sick and 10 times more irritable) is the announcement that the old Verison Wireless Amphitheater, that closed last year, is reopening this May and will be renamed Sandstone Amphitheater.

The good thing about this is that with the Sprint Center opening and us still having Sandstone we aren't losing one of the best outdoor venues to see some pretty good acts that will be coming to town this summer.

Chris Fritz, the president of New West Presents, who now manage the property, is going to lower ticket prices, plus beer and concessions. (Although I never could understand who would eat that swill at those kinds of places.) He is going to lower ticket, and beer prices by "going green". Which means that they will be "Collecting trash for recycling (glass, paper and plastic). Recycle old fryer oil for people with bio-fuel vehicles. Offer receptacles for recycling cell phones. Use recycled materials inside the venue, like office paper, paper napkins, paper plates and toilet paper. Make parking free for people who carpool or drive an alternative-fuel vehicle. Install bike racks at the gates for people who want to ride bicycles to shows. Which all you tree huggers should be happy about.

All that recycling is pretty good but if you fart a lot you'll get charged extra.

Now, I'm going to take some medicine (and by "medicine" I mean Mad Dog 20/20) and lay down. I still can't breath thought my nose. And the sickness is getting worse by the hour. If you don't hear from me in the morning please call an ambulance. Just make sure it's the kind with the sexy paramedics in it like the ones in a David Lee Roth video, thanks.

It would really ruin my day if I woke up dead.

Scribbled down by "The D" Tango Charlie of this post 8:28 PM |

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Down With the Sickness

Runny nose - check.
Watery eyes -check.
Headache - check.
Stuffy head - check.
Constant sneezing - check.
(And what is up with no one saying "God bless you" around here? Don't they know that when someone sneezes it's leaves you susceptible to demons?)
Overwhelming urge to call my mommy - check.
Craving Chicken Noodle soup - check.
Body Aching - negative.
Fever- negative.
Tired - negative. (no more than usual)
Cough - negative.
Sore throat - check.
Diarrhea - negative.
Vomiting - negative.
Blaming someone else for getting me sick - check
Sense of humor - intact.

Scribbled down by "The D" Tango Charlie of this post 9:57 AM |

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Monday, January 21, 2008

Weekend Update

With months of planning the banquet went off without a hitch. I had the perfect system all set up. But it took me almost all night to print over 120 name tags Friday night using my home printer. I also had to print 35 applications for the neophytes at 5 pages each is a lot of paper and ink.

Some history on this banquet that we throw every year. This was our 87th meeting. The club has had a lot of influential members though out the years most notably President Harry Truman was initiated in the 30's. The membership is now populated with upstanding citizens from Kansas City Kansas, my home town. We have doctors, lawyers, judges, business owners, politicians, insurance men, police officers, firemen. People from every walk of life. If I gave you some of their names you would be amazed at the quality of people. But I'm not going to give you any names.

I guess the best way to describe the club is to say that it's part Friar's club roast, part fraternity. It's really a good time.

One thing I can tell you that happened to me, which was completely amazing and totally random. I was talking to one of our photographers about how the day went and the other photographer came over and asked me if I had family in Jefferson City (we all wear name tags). I said yea both of my parents are from Jeff City, long story short he had grown up with my Dads brother (my uncle) and my mothers brother. I still have to call mom and tell her about it. She's probably flip out. It just goes to show you what a small world we all live in.

After the ceremony the group (which you already know as my crew, Mr. Awesome, Reggie, Scooter, The EYE-talian, and a few others) that planned the event went over to a bar in KCK and watched UNC lose to Maryland which was just enough to make the day pretty effin sweet. Then we headed to Danny's again had dinner and watched KU beat those slack jawed yolks from Mizzou.

There was really a lot of random, and amazing stuff that happened thought out the day. But I still have a lot of work to do as far as updating the roster with new members, and updating current members with new contact information. Which is going to take me a couple of nights to get though all of the new members. Overall we had 132 people attend which is a pretty good turnout but not our best.

Scribbled down by "The D" Tango Charlie of this post 10:31 PM |

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