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100 Facts That You Didn't Know About The D

1. The D doesn't have to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Tall buildings duck under The D.

2. The D can delete the Recycling Bin.

3. When The D goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

4. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but The D says its beef, then it's beef.

5. Whenever The D plays Chutes and Ladders, he treats the chutes as ladders, because he's not some sissy who can't climb up a plastic slide.

6. When The D deletes files from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.

7. The D can slam revolving doors.

8. Once a cobra bit The D's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

9.The D can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.

10. Giraffes were created when The D uppercut a horse.

11. The D is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.

12. The D was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

13. On his birthday, The D randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

14. The D can speak braille.

15. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for The D.

16. The D once stated that he "doesn't wail on sissy boys." This led to the pink polo shirts with popped collars craze. Little do those pitiful fools know that The D was just making it easier to find sissy boys to wail on.

17. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. The D can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.

18. The D doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

19. The D does not sleep. He waits.

20. The D once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

21. World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, The D ate Kobayashi.

22. If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear The D laughing at you.

23. The D died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

24. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects The D could use to kill you, including the room itself.

25. The D sleeps with a night light. Not because The D is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of The D.

26. The D is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

27. The D's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools The D.

28. The D always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.

29. The D is the only one who can "try this at home."

30. The D beat a wall at tennis. Yes. A WALL.

31. The D's blood type is WD-40.

32. If The D wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.

33. The D played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

34. The last man who made eye contact with The D was Ray Charles.

35. The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that The D's basement was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.

36. You are what you eat. That is why The D's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

37. The D owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

38. Circles exist because The D beat the crap out of some squares.

39. The D had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow, and anywhere The D went the lamb was sure to go. So he killed it.

40. The D was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

41. The D invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.

42. Getting murdered by The D counts as a natural cause of death.

43. When The D plays any video game, God mode automatically turns on.

44. The D destroyed the periodic table, saying The D only recognizes the element of surprise.

45. The D puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

46. The D counted to infinity - twice.

47. The D can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

48. Only once has The D ever cried. The only survivors were a bunch of animals and some dude named Noah.

49. The popular video game "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from The D and forgot to pay him back.

50. The D's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.

51. The D and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.

52. The D once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

53. The D irons his shirts while he's wearing them.

54. The D once got caught doing 100 in a 50 zone. The cop did give him a speeding ticket, however The D still pleads his innocence to this day, stating that he was simply out for a morning jog.

55. The D wears a cup not to protect himself, but to protect the players on the other team.

56. The D knows the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow (African *AND* European).

57. Onions do not make The D cry. The D makes onions crap themselves.

58. If you haven't seen Alien vs. Predator yet, don't bother, The D wins.

59. The D was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

60. The D can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

61. The D was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.

62. On a high school math test, The D put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because The D solves all his problems with Violence.

63. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to The D and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

64. The D doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

65. The D does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

66. The D invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

67. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be The D.

68. Crop circles are The D's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down and shut the fuck up!.

69. The D does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. The D goes killing.

70. The D does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction.

71. There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because The D is going to walk.

72. When The D enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

73. The only time The D was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

74. The D has the heart of a child. He keeps it in a small box.

75. The word "lesbian" derives from an old Latin phrase that roughly translates as "She who has not yet been introduced to The D."

76. Superman owns a pair of The D pajamas.

77. The movie Ray is loosely based on the life of The D, only they substituted piano playing for eating toddlers, and blindness for the ability to fly.

78. What scientists thought was natural selection is actually only the continued survival of animals The D has found too chewy to eat.

79. When The D gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

80. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped The D's house one Christmas.

81. The D has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.

82. Weeping Willows are a result of The D yelling at trees for not being tough enough.

83. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when The D punched himself in the face.

84. The D can watch a season of "24" in just three hours.

85. The D is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right fist.

86. The D became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.

87. The D's dog is trained to pick up his own poop because The D will not take crap from anyone.

88. The D sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.

89. The D can predict the shuffle on his iPod.

90. The D used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

91. The D is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.

92. The D doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.

93. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: The D was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.

94. The D can kill two stones with one bird.

95. The D can tie his shoes with his feet.

96. The D is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.

97. The D can make a paraplegic run for his life.

98. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures The D allows to live.

99. When The D gets pulled over he lets the cop off with a warning.

100. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless The D has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Monday, January 28, 2008

Lost Captions

The Kansas City Star, my hometown paper of record, (whatever the fuck that means) is doing a contest to see who can come up with "extraordinary captions" for some pictures from the greatest Television show in the history of television shows EVER!

I think that paper is shit so I'm not going to enter the contest. The only thing you get for winning is your name in the paper. My name has already been in the paper enough lately. Over the weekend I was arrested for... wait for it... wait for it... being too fuckin, Awesome! So I thought I'd skip the formalities and just do the contest here.


What show is it, you ask? Well, it's Lost of course you stupid, dirtbag! How could you not know that? Srsly, what planet are you from? Well, you should go back to it because we don't let Dicks on this planet. And yea, your a Dick if you don't watch Lost.

The first season it was out I would spend every waking moment searching the internets for clues as to what the fuck was going on on the Island. I had about 50 different web sites I would check HOURLY at work and once again when I would get home. Then I was transfered to our home office and lost all of them and didn't have time to get them back for the second season. It nearly drove me crazy.

I'm commonly referred to as "That Lost Dude" at work. Which is a title that I have grown to accept. But I don't always think they're referring to the show when someone calls me that. But whatever.

(FYI if you haven't been watching the "missing pieces" webisodes then your totally fucked for this coming season. They're less than 5 min long so go watch them when you can. You can get caught up during your lunch. Or you can get a full update to the series in 8:15 (!!!!!!!!!) here.)

The season 4 premiers this Thursday at 7 pm. I really dont' know why you don't already have your DVR set for the season pass. Coincidentally, I spent my weekend watching all 23 episodes of season 3, that equals to about 18 hours of television that I watched this weekend. Yea that is a lot of TV. But it was totes worth it, I pretty much know every thing that has happened last season. If I were to be on a game show about Lost right now I would totes win!

Anyway, add your own captions in the comments if you like. This is not a contest. But if you want to send me nude pics of yourself I would not reject them. (No fatties, No dudes.)


1. Ben a.k.a Henry: "Hey, How you doooin'? Come here often?"

1a. Ben a.k.a Henry: "Please stop pummeling me! It hurts!"

1b. Russo Thinking: "Look how tough I look standing here"

1c. Ben a.k.a Henry: "Jesus, lady whadda ya eat?







2. Alex: "Yes I would like some of your island hooch, Carl."

2a. Carl: Don't worry Alex there isn't much GHB in this.

2b. Alex: "I like water it's yummy in my tummy"



3. Sawyer: "The next person to fart in my face while I'm sleeping gets a bullet in the FACE!"

3a. Sawyer: "We all know you ate all the ding-dongs, Jumbotron, so just admit it!"

3b. Locke: "What's going on here! Is it a circle jerk? Good! Sawyer, since your already in the middle your the pivot man."



4. Sun: Oh My Gawd!! Claire, Jins pe-pe is so small I have a hard time even finding it, hehehe" Do you think Hurley's is bigger? Cause I'd like to ride that whale! Hehehehehe!

Claire: Yea, American cocks a much bigger that anyone else's. hehehehehe!

4a. Claire: Yea, I totes gave Charlie a Dutch oven last night, he go so mad. It was Hilarious! It stunk sooooo bad, I think it burnt off his eyebrows, hahahah!


5. Benard: "JESUS, Sayid!! What fuck did you eat?!?! Did a wombat crawl up your ass and die? Holy fuck man, that's HORRID!!"

5a. Sayid: "Stand back I'm going to let another face-melter go!"

5b. Juliet: "I wonder if Iraqis dicks taste like chicken? They smell like chicken."


6. Benard: "AAAAAHHHH! This is the best shit I've taken in 3 months! DAMMIT I FORGOT TO DROP MY PANTS AGAIN!! FUCK!!! Rose, can you clean me?"

6a. "If that fuckin Iraqi farts on me one more time I'm going postal!!"

6b. "Fifty bucks the Smails boy picks his nose"










7. Thinking: "Look how sexy I look standing here stroking my rifle. Yea, ladies you know you want to get a taste of my 50 cal rifle. I'm fuckin' amazing."

7a. Thinking "You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? Then who the hell else are you talkin' to? You talkin' to me? Well, I'm the only one here. Who the fuck do you think you're talking to? Oh, yeah? Okay! [whips out gun] Huh?

7b. Thinking: I'm the Greatest Scottsman to ever walk the planet. Hehehehe, I said "Great Scot just like that douche fro Star Trek, hehehe, Fuck I'm sexy!


8. Extra in grey tee shirt on the left: "Hey, every one Claire shit her pants again! Look, HAHAHA!!!!"

Everyone chanting: Claire's a poopy pants! Poopy Pants Claire!

8a. Clarie crying: "I can't help it Charlie keeps putting it in the wrong whole, and I'm all stretched out."










9. Kate: "Jack I'm not going to lick your ass any more until you start using toilet paper."

9a. Kate: "Yes, Jack I rode Sawyers high hard one, while we were in the cages, but I was thinking of you the whole time. I'm a 5 cent whore, you know that"

9b. Jack: "Kate, I'm going to take this satellite phone and shove it up you cooch if you don't get your dam dirty hand off my face."








Leave your own captions in the comments. Just be sure to number them.

(I have no idea what is up with the spacing of this post so don't ask.)

Scribbled down by "The D" Tango Charlie of this post 8:52 PM

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