100 Facts That You Didn't Know About The D

1. The D doesn't have to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Tall buildings duck under The D.

2. The D can delete the Recycling Bin.

3. When The D goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

4. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but The D says its beef, then it's beef.

5. Whenever The D plays Chutes and Ladders, he treats the chutes as ladders, because he's not some sissy who can't climb up a plastic slide.

6. When The D deletes files from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.

7. The D can slam revolving doors.

8. Once a cobra bit The D's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

9.The D can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.

10. Giraffes were created when The D uppercut a horse.

11. The D is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.

12. The D was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

13. On his birthday, The D randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

14. The D can speak braille.

15. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for The D.

16. The D once stated that he "doesn't wail on sissy boys." This led to the pink polo shirts with popped collars craze. Little do those pitiful fools know that The D was just making it easier to find sissy boys to wail on.

17. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. The D can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.

18. The D doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

19. The D does not sleep. He waits.

20. The D once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

21. World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, The D ate Kobayashi.

22. If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear The D laughing at you.

23. The D died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

24. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects The D could use to kill you, including the room itself.

25. The D sleeps with a night light. Not because The D is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of The D.

26. The D is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

27. The D's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools The D.

28. The D always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.

29. The D is the only one who can "try this at home."

30. The D beat a wall at tennis. Yes. A WALL.

31. The D's blood type is WD-40.

32. If The D wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.

33. The D played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

34. The last man who made eye contact with The D was Ray Charles.

35. The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that The D's basement was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.

36. You are what you eat. That is why The D's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

37. The D owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

38. Circles exist because The D beat the crap out of some squares.

39. The D had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow, and anywhere The D went the lamb was sure to go. So he killed it.

40. The D was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

41. The D invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.

42. Getting murdered by The D counts as a natural cause of death.

43. When The D plays any video game, God mode automatically turns on.

44. The D destroyed the periodic table, saying The D only recognizes the element of surprise.

45. The D puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

46. The D counted to infinity - twice.

47. The D can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

48. Only once has The D ever cried. The only survivors were a bunch of animals and some dude named Noah.

49. The popular video game "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from The D and forgot to pay him back.

50. The D's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.

51. The D and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.

52. The D once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

53. The D irons his shirts while he's wearing them.

54. The D once got caught doing 100 in a 50 zone. The cop did give him a speeding ticket, however The D still pleads his innocence to this day, stating that he was simply out for a morning jog.

55. The D wears a cup not to protect himself, but to protect the players on the other team.

56. The D knows the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow (African *AND* European).

57. Onions do not make The D cry. The D makes onions crap themselves.

58. If you haven't seen Alien vs. Predator yet, don't bother, The D wins.

59. The D was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

60. The D can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

61. The D was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.

62. On a high school math test, The D put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because The D solves all his problems with Violence.

63. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to The D and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

64. The D doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

65. The D does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

66. The D invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

67. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be The D.

68. Crop circles are The D's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down and shut the fuck up!.

69. The D does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. The D goes killing.

70. The D does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction.

71. There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because The D is going to walk.

72. When The D enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

73. The only time The D was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

74. The D has the heart of a child. He keeps it in a small box.

75. The word "lesbian" derives from an old Latin phrase that roughly translates as "She who has not yet been introduced to The D."

76. Superman owns a pair of The D pajamas.

77. The movie Ray is loosely based on the life of The D, only they substituted piano playing for eating toddlers, and blindness for the ability to fly.

78. What scientists thought was natural selection is actually only the continued survival of animals The D has found too chewy to eat.

79. When The D gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

80. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped The D's house one Christmas.

81. The D has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.

82. Weeping Willows are a result of The D yelling at trees for not being tough enough.

83. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when The D punched himself in the face.

84. The D can watch a season of "24" in just three hours.

85. The D is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right fist.

86. The D became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.

87. The D's dog is trained to pick up his own poop because The D will not take crap from anyone.

88. The D sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.

89. The D can predict the shuffle on his iPod.

90. The D used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

91. The D is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.

92. The D doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.

93. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: The D was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.

94. The D can kill two stones with one bird.

95. The D can tie his shoes with his feet.

96. The D is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.

97. The D can make a paraplegic run for his life.

98. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures The D allows to live.

99. When The D gets pulled over he lets the cop off with a warning.

100. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless The D has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Weekend Recap

To begin where we left off last week, Thursday I did absolutely nothing, I don’t think I even put on pants until around 4 when I went for a run. It was one of the best vacation days ever. I spent most of the morning annoying some people via email, which is the only thing I’m good at, although some would say I’m not even that good at it.

I then went over to C-Boys house and had dinner with them and played with the nieces and nephew. Their new favorite game is “Lets Hit Uncle D In The Face With Every Ball We Can Find”. It’s really fun, it’s almost as fun as their old favorite game called “Lets Hit Uncle D With This Wiffle Ball Bat In the Face”. Hours of fun right there let me tell ya! But Zach’s favorite game of all time is “Lets Spank Uncle D As Hard As I can”. He spanks me, I say “Ooouuuch!” he just laughs and laughs. They’re all really fun games you should try all of them with the little kids in your life.

Friday, mom had carpal tunnel surgery on her right hand, she has to have to other hand done in a few weeks. On the way out to her house I stopped by Metro Run & Walk for some new running shoes. The guy that helped me was some dude, he listened to me explain my feet issues before he suggested a couple of options. I went with the Saucony Pro Grid Omni 6 Ultimate. The jury is still out if I like them or not, I’ve only run in them once.

I then went over to my Mothers house and hung around there for a few hours, just chillin’ with the Moms until my sister and the kids got back from the pool. As we were waiting on The Sis, mom asked me how much more weight I was planning on losing. I told her the number really doesn’t matter it’s the effort that I put in to it. I told her that I was going to keep on the same path until September 1st. (After that I will reevaluate where I am and what I will need to do). If I lose 25 pounds by then, so what? If I lose 5 pounds, so what? I’m going to try to lose as much as I can before then. She asked how much do I weighted now. I said 175 pounds she said that I am too thin now and if I lost any more she was going to ground me. WTF? Ground me? I’m 36 years old for the love of Pete! I guess she’s still used to grounding me so often when I was a kid, that old habits die hard. I then explained to her that according to the BMI I was still overweight although “slightly” as my diet web site says. (I am 5’8” tall, I weight 175 pounds that comes out to a BMI of 26.6 I need to get that number down to 25 or lower in order to not be in the overweight category, and fall into the normal or healthy weight category, which has been the goal from the beginning).

When The Sis finally arrived I began razzing her about leaving mom alone even though the written doctor’s instructions said that the patient was not to be left alone for the first 24 hours after the surgery. But she took it in stride and just told me to shut up. Even though mom is very independent and told my sister to leave. I still had to hassle her, it’s my duty as her younger brother.

Before I left moms I dug out my Marine Corps Dress Blues. Here are a couple of pics of them.

She kept asking why I wanted then but I wouldn’t tell her. And I’m not telling you now because the reason is a whole post in it’s self. I also scanned in a pic of me when I was 20 years old and in Okinawa, Japan that The Sis brought with her from her house.

UPDATE: I forgot to load this one last night. I'm 20 years old sitting in the jungle in Okinawa, Japan

I left Moms about 7 and stopped by Old Navy on the way home, so I could finally buy a pair of shorts for the golf game on Saturday. As you know I don’t have any clothes that fit so I had to get a pair that fit or else I would be stuck wearing jeans to the golf game, which would have totally sucked ass in the 90 degree heat that was forecast for Saturday.

Remember those jeans that I bought in this post? Well, they’re too big now. At least after I wear them for a couple of hours they stretch out and then look baggie. But they are not falling off, like my work clothes. Anyway, those are 33” waist. So when I arrived at the store I tried on the 32” shorts. Excellent! They fit (WHOO-WHOO!) But they’re shorts so I’m not about to rush out and buy new jeans or anything like that. I don’t even think I was a 32” waist when I was born!

Saturday was our yearly “Friends of Reggie” Golf Tournament at Painted Hills in K.C.K. It’s actually about 16 of us guys from high school, but since my buddy Reggie organizes it he gets to name it. This was our 6th year of this tournament and every year we have at least one or 2 women show up which defiantly classes up the place. The women are usually wives of some of the guys that I know. This year only one lady had the guts to play, I’ll call her K-Girl (cause her name stated with the letter K, duh). She is married to a buddy of mine who is also in our fantasy football league. I really wasn’t surprised when she turned out to be a pretty good golfer, she hits the ball straight but she doesn’t have much power. Now, The D on the other hand couldn’t hit that fuckin’ ball straight if I used my WANG! But I do have a pretty good short game. (Please withhold any “short game” jokes at this time, thank you). But I could hit it farther than she could. So yea, she would totally kick my ass in a game of one on one.

We started with a blind draw. We had 16 golfers so we had just enough for 4 teams of 4 golfers each. We decided to play best ball. (YES I will explain what all of that is, GAH! Keep your shirt on).

Blind Draw – Pick numbers out of a hat. The 4 players with the same number are on a team.

Best Ball – (It’s the one on the left, cause it hangs lower, Duh!) Seriously, everyone on your team will tee off but you will only have to hit your second shot from the spot from where ever the best drive stopped rolling. For example: If K-girls tee shot (yes, we let her use the ladies tee, and she always teed off first) went right down the fairway (which it usually did) and the rest of ours went left or right (which mine usually did) into the rough then we would go get our (golf) balls and everyone would hit our second shot from wherever hers landed. If my second shot was the best then everyone would hit from the spot that my shot had landed, and so on. Get it? Class over.

My team was made up of Me (The D, Hi nice to meet you!), my buddy “The Italian”, Reggies brother-in-law, and K-Girl. We were team number 2 so we were the second team to tee off. K-girls husband told me to put her clubs in my cart and to watch my language around her. I said “What the fuck do you think I am some kind of asshole heathen?” I was a total gentleman just ask her.

As we were finishing the first nine and making the turn for the back nine I told her that she was lucky she was in one of the first 2 teams. Because when we get to the green of the 18th hole and everyone has had about a case of beer in them. Then it’ll get pretty tough putting with all of the wise cracks and trash talking coming from all those drunks that had already finished, if we were in the last group. They will be waiting in their carts just off the green in the shade waiting for everyone else to finish and talking all kinds of trash. It’s probably one of the highlights of the day.

I had my camera with me but I didn’t take any pics while we were golfing. But I did get videos (what your digital camera doesn’t take up to 20 minuets of video? Well, then you my friend, got GYPPED)! of everyone teeing off but for some reason the only video that youtube.com would accept was K-girls 18th hole tee shot. So here is her shot, the ball almost hits the group in from of us. They are in the top right of the screen. Walking up to the green.

Overall, it was a good time, as it always is. After golfing we all headed over to the Sports Page for some lunch.

Here’s a pic of me being stupid (shocker I know). It’s a chicken finger.

After eating at the Sports Page, Mr. Awesome, Scooter, and, Reggie parted ways and agreed to meet at my house at 7 p.m. So they could get in a nap and check in with the wives or do what ever married folk due between golfing and coming over to my house to drink more.

I wake up from the nap at 6:45 and jump in the shower and get ready to go out. Scooter gets to the house first followed by a phone call from Reggie saying he is bowing out of the night’s festivities. Mr. Awesome arrived at about 7:30 or so. We sit around shooting the shit and drinking Coors Light while watching the Live Earth Concert on T.V

We left the house in a taxi about 8:30 and headed for Westport, specifically the outdoor patio of Harry’s Bar and Tables. Where we had SHOTS!!

These are called Zip Lock.

Let me drop the knowledge of the recipe on ya’ll, Blue Caraco, Red Bull in shot glass, set shot glass aside. Mix Peach Schnapps, So Co (Southern Comfort), Pineapple Juice in a larger glass. Or I should say let the bartender mix them in a larger glass. Stick with me here the shot will be BLUE, the drink will be YELLOW. Drop the shot glass in to the drink glass and it will turn GREEN! Just like the ZIPLOCK bags!! Yellow and blue make green. YEA!! Drink fast, last one to put his or her glass on the table buys next round. They’re Mr. Awesome’s favorite shot.

I was drinking Boulevard Wheat draught, of course, while Mr. Awesome was having Red Bull and Vodka, and Scooter consumed Coors Light. Not much happen on the patio but we did see 5 taxi’s pull up in front of Harpo’s each having 4-5 girls in them all with the same bachelorette party. I knew this because they were all wearing baseball jerseys.

We then went to Kelly’s where I switched to my fav Bacardi and Pepsi (they don’t serve Coke-Cola so ask for Pepsi, it’s the same thing). After a few of those and a few JELLO! shots, I switched to doubles, Yum!

Scooter took off about some time that I can’t remember. Mr. Awesome and I stayed for a few more rounds and a few more JELLO! Shots. We meet some dude that host some lame ass show on HGTV. The shot lady Michelle (at least I think that was her name or maybe it was Mary Ann, I think she tells me a different name every time I ask her) recognized him. But I didn’t recognize him ‘cause I don’t watch that channel. That channel is for women and men that like to do home improvement stuff, I am neither. Anyway, it turned out to be the same dude she thought it was, I was all “big freakin deal, la-tee-freakin’ da!”

Me and the shot lady

We go tired of that place and then went over to The Buzzard Beach where we had a lively discussion about which horror movies were better, the slasher types like the Friday the 13th and Halloween, or the suspenseful ones like the SAW movies. I like the Saw type of movies, whether they are Horror movies or not. Like The Usual Suspects, and The 6th Sense. He likes the slasher and Zombie type of movies. I adamantly tried to explain my fear of Zombie movies and all Zombies for that matter. I have tried over tens of times to watch the original Night of the Living Dead but every single time, and I mean EVERY SINGLE TIME, I get so freaked out that I have to turn it off. Then I have to sleep with my baseball bat in my hand. (No I don’t mean my WANG, I mean and actual baseball bat.) That is if I get any sleep at all. I mean, really, how do you kill the undead? Seriously? They’re unstoppable!! PEOPLE, UNSTOPPABLE!!

As we’re in the heated discussion this smokin’ hot girl walks past us and I ask her to join in the conversation. She is just smokin’ hot! She’s about 5 feet tall, long straight black hair, and wore those square hipster glasses. She also likes the suspenseful movies like me, The D. The 3 of us talk for a few more minuets debating movies and other pop culture stuff. All the while she is bouncing back and fourth between us and her girlfriend who is at the bar with her boyfriend (her friends boyfriend). We talk for a few more minuets, and Mr. Awesome goes the bathroom. Now’s my chance to pounce so I make quick work of the situation and get the girls number and she gets mine before he gets back. (I do believe that was a world record for getting a girls number). She is a waitress at some restaurant in Lee’s Summit.

Last call comes and we take off and decide to get some street meat from Torres Pizza truck. As we are walking to the truck Mr. Awesome is yelling at me to go back in there and get her number. I said no and he gets pissed off at me for not even tying yadda, yadda, he has no idea I got her number. Well, until he reads this.

We get back to my house and stay up until 4:30 a.m talking and drinking. While we were at my house I was going to my my self a Bacardi and Coke or a B/C if you will. But I couldn’t find my Bacardi, I was all “where the fuck is my Bacardi?” It was not with the rest of the liqueur. Shit someone broke in to my house and stole my Bacardi! YEA it could happen someone broke in to my house and stole nothing but my Bacardi. They didn’t take my laptop, PC, 51” big screen, Tivo box, or anything else. Just the Bacardi! Then after 15 minuets of talking about something else Mr. Awesome points out that the Bacardi was sitting next to the coffee maker. Well shoot! But I had already had a beer open so I just said screw it.

That was my weekend, folks!

As always thanks for reading!