The D Rules!!: Weekend Recap

100 Facts That You Didn't Know About The D

1. The D doesn't have to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Tall buildings duck under The D.

2. The D can delete the Recycling Bin.

3. When The D goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

4. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but The D says its beef, then it's beef.

5. Whenever The D plays Chutes and Ladders, he treats the chutes as ladders, because he's not some sissy who can't climb up a plastic slide.

6. When The D deletes files from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.

7. The D can slam revolving doors.

8. Once a cobra bit The D's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

9.The D can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.

10. Giraffes were created when The D uppercut a horse.

11. The D is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.

12. The D was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

13. On his birthday, The D randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

14. The D can speak braille.

15. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for The D.

16. The D once stated that he "doesn't wail on sissy boys." This led to the pink polo shirts with popped collars craze. Little do those pitiful fools know that The D was just making it easier to find sissy boys to wail on.

17. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. The D can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.

18. The D doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

19. The D does not sleep. He waits.

20. The D once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

21. World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, The D ate Kobayashi.

22. If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear The D laughing at you.

23. The D died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

24. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects The D could use to kill you, including the room itself.

25. The D sleeps with a night light. Not because The D is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of The D.

26. The D is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

27. The D's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools The D.

28. The D always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.

29. The D is the only one who can "try this at home."

30. The D beat a wall at tennis. Yes. A WALL.

31. The D's blood type is WD-40.

32. If The D wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.

33. The D played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

34. The last man who made eye contact with The D was Ray Charles.

35. The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that The D's basement was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.

36. You are what you eat. That is why The D's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

37. The D owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

38. Circles exist because The D beat the crap out of some squares.

39. The D had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow, and anywhere The D went the lamb was sure to go. So he killed it.

40. The D was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

41. The D invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.

42. Getting murdered by The D counts as a natural cause of death.

43. When The D plays any video game, God mode automatically turns on.

44. The D destroyed the periodic table, saying The D only recognizes the element of surprise.

45. The D puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

46. The D counted to infinity - twice.

47. The D can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

48. Only once has The D ever cried. The only survivors were a bunch of animals and some dude named Noah.

49. The popular video game "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from The D and forgot to pay him back.

50. The D's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.

51. The D and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.

52. The D once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

53. The D irons his shirts while he's wearing them.

54. The D once got caught doing 100 in a 50 zone. The cop did give him a speeding ticket, however The D still pleads his innocence to this day, stating that he was simply out for a morning jog.

55. The D wears a cup not to protect himself, but to protect the players on the other team.

56. The D knows the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow (African *AND* European).

57. Onions do not make The D cry. The D makes onions crap themselves.

58. If you haven't seen Alien vs. Predator yet, don't bother, The D wins.

59. The D was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

60. The D can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

61. The D was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.

62. On a high school math test, The D put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because The D solves all his problems with Violence.

63. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to The D and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

64. The D doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

65. The D does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

66. The D invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

67. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be The D.

68. Crop circles are The D's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down and shut the fuck up!.

69. The D does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. The D goes killing.

70. The D does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction.

71. There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because The D is going to walk.

72. When The D enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

73. The only time The D was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

74. The D has the heart of a child. He keeps it in a small box.

75. The word "lesbian" derives from an old Latin phrase that roughly translates as "She who has not yet been introduced to The D."

76. Superman owns a pair of The D pajamas.

77. The movie Ray is loosely based on the life of The D, only they substituted piano playing for eating toddlers, and blindness for the ability to fly.

78. What scientists thought was natural selection is actually only the continued survival of animals The D has found too chewy to eat.

79. When The D gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

80. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped The D's house one Christmas.

81. The D has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.

82. Weeping Willows are a result of The D yelling at trees for not being tough enough.

83. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when The D punched himself in the face.

84. The D can watch a season of "24" in just three hours.

85. The D is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right fist.

86. The D became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.

87. The D's dog is trained to pick up his own poop because The D will not take crap from anyone.

88. The D sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.

89. The D can predict the shuffle on his iPod.

90. The D used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

91. The D is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.

92. The D doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.

93. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: The D was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.

94. The D can kill two stones with one bird.

95. The D can tie his shoes with his feet.

96. The D is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.

97. The D can make a paraplegic run for his life.

98. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures The D allows to live.

99. When The D gets pulled over he lets the cop off with a warning.

100. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless The D has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Monday, June 25, 2007

Weekend Recap

This is how my weekend went down.

Thursday

The weekend started with a surprise phone call from a woman that I had not seen or heard from in 3 years. She and Chrissie (my buddy Reggies wife) and a few other ladies that I know, were down the street at a benefit for women that smart off to their husbands and then get there asses beat. (I just want it to be known that I don't condone that sort of thing, and that I'll leave the wife beating jokes to Tony) called Safe home. They were telling me how many hot chicks were down there. Well, I get down there and come to find out that I already knew all of the hot chicks, which was a bit of a let down (I was kind of hoping there would be some new women I could corrupt if you know what I mean, wink, wink, nudge nudge) but I stuck around and had a few 2 dollar draughts.

I like hanging around those single girls not just because they are all pretty good looking and they think of me as their brother and that I am totally harmless, but I can also learn from the messed up relationships have had as they tell stories about the guys they have dated or slept with and what kind of fucked up shit some guys do and I sit there and make mental notes of things NOT to do like, ramming your thumb, into the anus of a girl while doing it doggy style, without any lube. Who knew that chicks didn't like that? I sure didn't? But now I do, so I won't be doing that. (Unless I'm asked)

But there were some pretty nice looking chicks that I was introduced to for the few minuets that I was there. But I didn't get any numbers or any thing like that, But it was great to catch up with a few of those single girls. I mostly went just to see the girls that I had not seen for awhile. And one more thing they totally shit a brick at how much weight I have lost!

Friday

Friday night started with some bad news from a friend of mine. He works nights so we don’t get a chance to hang out very often but when we do it’s always a drunken fest. He’s not one of my usual cast of characters that I included in this blog so I am introducing you to him today. “The Italian” had just arrived at the house about 9. I was in my office he was sitting on the couch just opening the first of many beers that we were going to consume that night.

Any way, I was in the office he was in the living room just opening his first beer.

This is how he told me the bad news.

He says “Well The D, I have some bad news.”

“What (his wife) is pregnant and she is having twins!” I replied all excited and smart-alecky like.

He just shakes his head and says “Nope, I’m getting divorced”.

…

(silence)

…

Well, aren’t I the fucking asshole tonight.

He then tells me the whole shebang over the next couple of hours and about a dozen beers each. I just sit and let him talk and rant because I’m that kind of dude. I may not be very smart but I do know when to keep my mouth shut and listen when people just want to talk. We then walk up to Twin Cities Tavern (the Twin) as it’s known in the neighborhood. We are later joined by another friend, BC, and he gets the low down of the recent developments. BC is also divorced, so they how have something in common, besides the love of Budweiser beer and Asian gang bang porn.

While still at The Twin we had a few more drinks and I think at least 8 shots of red bull and Jaeger (one for each year he was married). We then left there and went to The Point (where BC is a bartender/manager) I saw some dude wearing one of my company tee shirts and I went up to talk to him about his shirt but he was WAY too wasted to even talk.

We had some more shots and more drinks inside and then called it a night after last call.

We went back to my house and for whatever reason The Italian wanted to drink all of my Bacardi. Well, I wouldn’t have any of that noise and put it away. But we did stay up until 5, I think and finally called it quits.

Saturday

I woke up Saturday afternoon at 1:30 with a pretty good hangover. I usually don’t get hangovers because I am experienced drinker and know what I’m doing. So with my new hangover, I went and had a nice greasy Sonic burger (no pickles, no onions), large fries, and a 5 gallon bucket of diet cherry coke. It was yummy in my belly, I then went and got my hair cut which did not take as long as I thought it would the wait was only about 10 minuets, but when I walked in there I thought it would be like 2 hours.

Saturday Night

In this post I was actually debating on which one of those shirts I was going to wear. I ended up not wearing either one of them on Saturday. I just didn’t think it would be appropriate for the place we were going. Those shirts are more appropriate for a drunken guys night anyway. Instead I wore a green tee shirt with the number 17 on the back it’s probably 10-15 years old but it’s also the only shirt that is not too big for me.

Check out how AWESOME my hair looks!!

I don't remember what that girl in the back ground is laughing at but it can't be the fucking funny.

We were out to celebrate Lonnie’s Birthday. I knew that Burt (her husband) and I would be the only dudes at this little shin-dig. So wearing a shirt that said “Chick Magnet” just was not going to be an option. So I meet Burt and Lonnie at the Soy Cantina on 39th Street on the Martini Corner. This place was totally packed with a lot of hot chicks I mean every where my neck was sore from trying to check them all out.

So we stayed there until about midnight or 12:30 and then went down to Kelly’s. had one or 2 drinks at Kelly's But because the peopel I was with were old and or married with kids they couldn't hang so they bolted and I went home also.

After Kelly's we stopped for some street meat