100 Facts That You Didn't Know About The D

1. The D doesn't have to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Tall buildings duck under The D.

2. The D can delete the Recycling Bin.

3. When The D goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

4. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but The D says its beef, then it's beef.

5. Whenever The D plays Chutes and Ladders, he treats the chutes as ladders, because he's not some sissy who can't climb up a plastic slide.

6. When The D deletes files from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.

7. The D can slam revolving doors.

8. Once a cobra bit The D's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

9.The D can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.

10. Giraffes were created when The D uppercut a horse.

11. The D is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.

12. The D was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

13. On his birthday, The D randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

14. The D can speak braille.

15. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for The D.

16. The D once stated that he "doesn't wail on sissy boys." This led to the pink polo shirts with popped collars craze. Little do those pitiful fools know that The D was just making it easier to find sissy boys to wail on.

17. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. The D can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.

18. The D doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

19. The D does not sleep. He waits.

20. The D once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

21. World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, The D ate Kobayashi.

22. If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear The D laughing at you.

23. The D died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

24. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects The D could use to kill you, including the room itself.

25. The D sleeps with a night light. Not because The D is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of The D.

26. The D is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

27. The D's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools The D.

28. The D always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.

29. The D is the only one who can "try this at home."

30. The D beat a wall at tennis. Yes. A WALL.

31. The D's blood type is WD-40.

32. If The D wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.

33. The D played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

34. The last man who made eye contact with The D was Ray Charles.

35. The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that The D's basement was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.

36. You are what you eat. That is why The D's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

37. The D owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

38. Circles exist because The D beat the crap out of some squares.

39. The D had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow, and anywhere The D went the lamb was sure to go. So he killed it.

40. The D was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

41. The D invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.

42. Getting murdered by The D counts as a natural cause of death.

43. When The D plays any video game, God mode automatically turns on.

44. The D destroyed the periodic table, saying The D only recognizes the element of surprise.

45. The D puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

46. The D counted to infinity - twice.

47. The D can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

48. Only once has The D ever cried. The only survivors were a bunch of animals and some dude named Noah.

49. The popular video game "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from The D and forgot to pay him back.

50. The D's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.

51. The D and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.

52. The D once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

53. The D irons his shirts while he's wearing them.

54. The D once got caught doing 100 in a 50 zone. The cop did give him a speeding ticket, however The D still pleads his innocence to this day, stating that he was simply out for a morning jog.

55. The D wears a cup not to protect himself, but to protect the players on the other team.

56. The D knows the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow (African *AND* European).

57. Onions do not make The D cry. The D makes onions crap themselves.

58. If you haven't seen Alien vs. Predator yet, don't bother, The D wins.

59. The D was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

60. The D can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

61. The D was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.

62. On a high school math test, The D put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because The D solves all his problems with Violence.

63. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to The D and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

64. The D doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

65. The D does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

66. The D invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

67. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be The D.

68. Crop circles are The D's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down and shut the fuck up!.

69. The D does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. The D goes killing.

70. The D does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction.

71. There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because The D is going to walk.

72. When The D enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

73. The only time The D was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

74. The D has the heart of a child. He keeps it in a small box.

75. The word "lesbian" derives from an old Latin phrase that roughly translates as "She who has not yet been introduced to The D."

76. Superman owns a pair of The D pajamas.

77. The movie Ray is loosely based on the life of The D, only they substituted piano playing for eating toddlers, and blindness for the ability to fly.

78. What scientists thought was natural selection is actually only the continued survival of animals The D has found too chewy to eat.

79. When The D gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

80. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped The D's house one Christmas.

81. The D has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.

82. Weeping Willows are a result of The D yelling at trees for not being tough enough.

83. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when The D punched himself in the face.

84. The D can watch a season of "24" in just three hours.

85. The D is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right fist.

86. The D became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.

87. The D's dog is trained to pick up his own poop because The D will not take crap from anyone.

88. The D sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.

89. The D can predict the shuffle on his iPod.

90. The D used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

91. The D is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.

92. The D doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.

93. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: The D was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.

94. The D can kill two stones with one bird.

95. The D can tie his shoes with his feet.

96. The D is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.

97. The D can make a paraplegic run for his life.

98. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures The D allows to live.

99. When The D gets pulled over he lets the cop off with a warning.

100. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless The D has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Weekend Update

There's a lot to tell as far as the race on Saturday goes so I'm going to post that in a separately Monday night. Plus it makes you come back if you want to hear about it, and thusly giving me more hits because, as you know I'm a hit whore.

Friday on the drive home I get a call from the SIL. I answer it and Sophia is singing the theme from Scooby Doo (it's her new fav song). Then Sophia asked me if I would come over and… Wait a sec lets back up here for a minute.

Last Tuesday we had a Family Fun Time while the whole D.C. Krew was in town for a few days. As we were sitting around the living room we somehow got on the subject of babysitting. The SIL asked me when I was going to start babysitting Sophia and Isabelle. I was all like WTF?? I didn't even know I was on the list of possible babysitters. I think the list consist of my mom, the SIL's twin sister, and the SIL's dad, and now apparently me, The D.

So, now back to the phone call. Sophia asked me if I would come cover and babysit her and her sister. I nearly died right then and there. I think I may have even blacked out (while driving) for a few seconds and then soiled myself. The SIL gets on the phone and seriously asked me if I could baby sit on Saturday afternoon at 4. First of all I thought she was only kidding about putting me on the list when we talked last week. Second does this woman even know me? I can barely keep myself safe in my own home. Not to mention taking care of 2 babies. What is she thinking? Why would she even put me on this list? I mean Hello I've never even changed a diaper in my whole life. I wouldn't even know the first thing to do if something went wrong. And what if the baby, Isabelle (only 8 months old) starts to cry? I would have absolutely no idea what to do except to start calling people in a panic asking what to do. But that would be after I started to freak out, and I mean a MAJOR freak out. How would I keep these kids entertained? (And don't say just put in a movie any retarded adult can do that. That's the chicken shit way out of babysitting.)I would just be totally lost and out of my element. But I do think it would make for a good blog fodder. I guess I could take them to a park and pick up chicks. (Every single dude knows that there are two sure ways of picking up hot chicks. 1) Babies, who doesn't like babies. 2) Puppies. What woman can refuse babies and puppies?) But using babies to pick up chicks just seams wrong to me. What am I baby pimp?

Anyway, I had to decline the baby sitting gig because I knew I wouldn't be in any kind of shape to anything but sit on the couch after the race on Saturday. If the offer comes again I just want to warn all the women that I know (whether you have kids of not) you had better be on stand-by for an emergency baby advice. Because I'm gonna need it!

Saturday after the race and my 3 hour nap a friend of mine who's a bartender at the Point. Was having some kind of shindig. So I meet some people up there about 7 for some after race binge drinking and free shots. We all had a good time watching KU beat Colorado and going 7-0. About 9 or so the rest of my crew showed up with their wives and congratulated me on recent Victory. They left about 11:30 or so, just after some other friends showed up. I left about 2 and took a cab to Westport for a final drink at Kellys, bought about 4 slices of pizza from the street meat vendor. Then headed home, made a couple of the required drunk text and drunk dials then finally called it a night at about 4 (at least that's when the last drunk text went out.) I really need a breathalyzer for my phone.

Sunday I had some yummy cold pizza for breakfast and took a 3-4 hour nap waking up just before the Chiefs game. They beat those sorry ass Raiders (sorry Raiders fan but your team isn't very good). During the game I get a text from my buddy the bartender at the point telling me that I owed him money for the tab from the night before. Apparently I took off and forgot to pay my tab. It's a good thing we're friends or I might be in some trouble for skipping out. So after the game I call him and tell him that I was starting the "Walk of Shame" (which is what I call the sober walk back to Westport (or anywhere I leave my car) back to the Point to get my car and to settle up my tab. He tells me he wasn't working and that I owed him the money for the tab, not the bar which is much better. He comes by and gives me a ride to my car. And we settle up.

The Race review is up next!