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100 Facts That You Didn't Know About The D

1. The D doesn't have to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Tall buildings duck under The D.

2. The D can delete the Recycling Bin.

3. When The D goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

4. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but The D says its beef, then it's beef.

5. Whenever The D plays Chutes and Ladders, he treats the chutes as ladders, because he's not some sissy who can't climb up a plastic slide.

6. When The D deletes files from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.

7. The D can slam revolving doors.

8. Once a cobra bit The D's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

9.The D can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.

10. Giraffes were created when The D uppercut a horse.

11. The D is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.

12. The D was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

13. On his birthday, The D randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

14. The D can speak braille.

15. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for The D.

16. The D once stated that he "doesn't wail on sissy boys." This led to the pink polo shirts with popped collars craze. Little do those pitiful fools know that The D was just making it easier to find sissy boys to wail on.

17. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. The D can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.

18. The D doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

19. The D does not sleep. He waits.

20. The D once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

21. World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, The D ate Kobayashi.

22. If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear The D laughing at you.

23. The D died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

24. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects The D could use to kill you, including the room itself.

25. The D sleeps with a night light. Not because The D is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of The D.

26. The D is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

27. The D's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools The D.

28. The D always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.

29. The D is the only one who can "try this at home."

30. The D beat a wall at tennis. Yes. A WALL.

31. The D's blood type is WD-40.

32. If The D wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.

33. The D played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

34. The last man who made eye contact with The D was Ray Charles.

35. The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that The D's basement was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.

36. You are what you eat. That is why The D's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

37. The D owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

38. Circles exist because The D beat the crap out of some squares.

39. The D had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow, and anywhere The D went the lamb was sure to go. So he killed it.

40. The D was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

41. The D invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.

42. Getting murdered by The D counts as a natural cause of death.

43. When The D plays any video game, God mode automatically turns on.

44. The D destroyed the periodic table, saying The D only recognizes the element of surprise.

45. The D puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

46. The D counted to infinity - twice.

47. The D can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

48. Only once has The D ever cried. The only survivors were a bunch of animals and some dude named Noah.

49. The popular video game "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from The D and forgot to pay him back.

50. The D's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.

51. The D and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.

52. The D once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

53. The D irons his shirts while he's wearing them.

54. The D once got caught doing 100 in a 50 zone. The cop did give him a speeding ticket, however The D still pleads his innocence to this day, stating that he was simply out for a morning jog.

55. The D wears a cup not to protect himself, but to protect the players on the other team.

56. The D knows the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow (African *AND* European).

57. Onions do not make The D cry. The D makes onions crap themselves.

58. If you haven't seen Alien vs. Predator yet, don't bother, The D wins.

59. The D was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

60. The D can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

61. The D was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.

62. On a high school math test, The D put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because The D solves all his problems with Violence.

63. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to The D and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

64. The D doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

65. The D does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

66. The D invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

67. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be The D.

68. Crop circles are The D's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down and shut the fuck up!.

69. The D does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. The D goes killing.

70. The D does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction.

71. There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because The D is going to walk.

72. When The D enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

73. The only time The D was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

74. The D has the heart of a child. He keeps it in a small box.

75. The word "lesbian" derives from an old Latin phrase that roughly translates as "She who has not yet been introduced to The D."

76. Superman owns a pair of The D pajamas.

77. The movie Ray is loosely based on the life of The D, only they substituted piano playing for eating toddlers, and blindness for the ability to fly.

78. What scientists thought was natural selection is actually only the continued survival of animals The D has found too chewy to eat.

79. When The D gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

80. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped The D's house one Christmas.

81. The D has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.

82. Weeping Willows are a result of The D yelling at trees for not being tough enough.

83. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when The D punched himself in the face.

84. The D can watch a season of "24" in just three hours.

85. The D is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right fist.

86. The D became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.

87. The D's dog is trained to pick up his own poop because The D will not take crap from anyone.

88. The D sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.

89. The D can predict the shuffle on his iPod.

90. The D used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

91. The D is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.

92. The D doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.

93. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: The D was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.

94. The D can kill two stones with one bird.

95. The D can tie his shoes with his feet.

96. The D is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.

97. The D can make a paraplegic run for his life.

98. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures The D allows to live.

99. When The D gets pulled over he lets the cop off with a warning.

100. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless The D has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

THAT's a Complement?

I work for a company that does work for foreign governments. You don't need to know any more than that. But I do have to have certain federal clearances to do some of those projects. Like when I first started here 3 years ago I went though a whole 6 month federal background check. (Yes I passed!)

So, once in a while they do these random security checks, where the security guards (we call them Barney Fighfs) walk around randomly checking ID's. Anyway, I was walking out of the building today around 6 PM and ran into one of these "Fighfs". Barney asked for my ID, which I wear on a lanyard around my neck. I surrender my ID, looks at it, (it has a picture of me on it along with my employee number and name, I think, I really don't know), looks at me, looks at it, looks at me, back and forth for a few seconds and this is our exchange:

"Is this your ID?" Security guard says.

"Yes?" I say with a question like I was really answering "Yea, you dumb fuck, HELLO! It looks exactly like me."

SG: What's you employee number?"

The D: "Bla bla"

SG: "Have you changed your appearance since this picture was taken?"

The D: "No"

SG: "You haven't changed your appearance AT ALL?"

The D: "No, I haven't." (I know better than to mess with people that can effect my employment. I keep my answers short and to the point. Just like I do with the cops.)

SG: "You haven't been in an accident recently, have you? Since, this picture was taken?"

The D: (Getting agitated) "NO, smart-ass! Can I go now I have to get somewhere!" (my usual Wednesday night fantasy football meeting.)

SG: "What division do you work for?"

The D: rolling eyes "Oh Jesus, I work for Bla bla bla. My boss is yada, yada. I've been here over 3 years!" (Completely losing all respect for "Barney Fighf" which in hindsight wasn't in cool.)

SG: "What's your position?

The D: "Besides the feeing that I'm about to get bent over right now? I design mechanical systems"

SG: This pic looks nothing like you. Please follow me?"

The D: "Are you kidding me? Look chief", (when I'm irritated or kind of pissed I call people chief or Sasquatch) "that picture is me, it has been for 3 years. I can answer any question you have about me or this company."

SG: "Come with me, please"

We go to the security desk.

SG: "What's you managers extension?"

The D: "Bla bla"

He calls my boss, no answer.

SG: "Who is your department manager, what's his extension?"

The D: "Yada yada"

SG: (while it's ringing Barney says to me.) "If I can't get a hold of anyone that can verify your employment I have to call the feds"

The D: Thinking "THE FUCKING FEDS!! HOLY SHIT" (I think. "I hope they're hot chicks and want to strip search me, YEA-OUSA!")

SG: Hi, this is "Barney Fighf", downstairs. Do you have a Darren Jones (not my real last name) working for you? Huh, have you seen him today? Umm, can you describe him to me, please?"

I can't hear what my boss is saying. I can only assume he knows me especially, since I just told him the whole dealio, about the race last Saturday not more than 4 hour before.

SG: "Oh, He's lost weight?"

BOO-YA!! That's the money shot ya'll! (I'll get you a towel.)

SG: "How much? Really 85 lbs?" Barney is still on the phone with my boss.

The D: "AHEM! Hello, can I go now?"

SG: "O.k thank you, have a nice day" Barney hangs up the phone.

The D : (Looking like I just won the lottery) "Yea, told ya!"

SG: "You need to get a new ID. Congratulations on the weight loss. How did you do it?"

The D: "Can I go now?"

SG: "Sure, sorry about the hold up. You look great, by the way?"

The D: (Thinking WTF? Looking back as I walked away, and totally weirded out, and kind of dirty, as I walked away.) As I got though the door I stopped and walked back in and said "You know they're other ways to meet people besides abusing your authority to do it."

SG: "Yea, but it wouldn't be as fun."

The D: "Just for that, I'm not giving you my number, you're going to have to abuse your authority to get it."

SG: (picking up a piece of paper) "Home address bla bla, home phone,bla bla"

The D: REALLY CREAPED THE FUCK OUT NOW! Thinking RUN YOU FOOL RUN GREAT RAVENS GHOST RUNNNNNNN!!! SHE'S GOING TO BOIL YOUR BUNNIES (I don't have bunnies but you get the analogy) But like a jackass I say "You better call before you show up, or your not getting in, I hate the pot-in." Whispering under my breath as I walking out "bring the cuffs"

SG: "Can I bring the cuffs?" She shouts.

I then run to my car and almost piss myself out of the shier terror of the whole awkwardness of the situation.

Did I mention that this Barney was a woman? I just hope she looks better in civilian clothes that she does in uniform.

I'm taking bets (no odds or points): Will she show before the end of the month? I say no, she'll chicken out.

Scribbled down by "The D" Tango Charlie of this post 12:29 AM

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