100 Facts That You Didn't Know About The D

1. The D doesn't have to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Tall buildings duck under The D.

2. The D can delete the Recycling Bin.

3. When The D goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

4. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but The D says its beef, then it's beef.

5. Whenever The D plays Chutes and Ladders, he treats the chutes as ladders, because he's not some sissy who can't climb up a plastic slide.

6. When The D deletes files from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.

7. The D can slam revolving doors.

8. Once a cobra bit The D's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

9.The D can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.

10. Giraffes were created when The D uppercut a horse.

11. The D is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.

12. The D was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

13. On his birthday, The D randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

14. The D can speak braille.

15. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for The D.

16. The D once stated that he "doesn't wail on sissy boys." This led to the pink polo shirts with popped collars craze. Little do those pitiful fools know that The D was just making it easier to find sissy boys to wail on.

17. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. The D can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.

18. The D doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

19. The D does not sleep. He waits.

20. The D once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

21. World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, The D ate Kobayashi.

22. If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear The D laughing at you.

23. The D died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

24. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects The D could use to kill you, including the room itself.

25. The D sleeps with a night light. Not because The D is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of The D.

26. The D is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

27. The D's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools The D.

28. The D always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.

29. The D is the only one who can "try this at home."

30. The D beat a wall at tennis. Yes. A WALL.

31. The D's blood type is WD-40.

32. If The D wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.

33. The D played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

34. The last man who made eye contact with The D was Ray Charles.

35. The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that The D's basement was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.

36. You are what you eat. That is why The D's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

37. The D owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

38. Circles exist because The D beat the crap out of some squares.

39. The D had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow, and anywhere The D went the lamb was sure to go. So he killed it.

40. The D was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

41. The D invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.

42. Getting murdered by The D counts as a natural cause of death.

43. When The D plays any video game, God mode automatically turns on.

44. The D destroyed the periodic table, saying The D only recognizes the element of surprise.

45. The D puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

46. The D counted to infinity - twice.

47. The D can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

48. Only once has The D ever cried. The only survivors were a bunch of animals and some dude named Noah.

49. The popular video game "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from The D and forgot to pay him back.

50. The D's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.

51. The D and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.

52. The D once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

53. The D irons his shirts while he's wearing them.

54. The D once got caught doing 100 in a 50 zone. The cop did give him a speeding ticket, however The D still pleads his innocence to this day, stating that he was simply out for a morning jog.

55. The D wears a cup not to protect himself, but to protect the players on the other team.

56. The D knows the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow (African *AND* European).

57. Onions do not make The D cry. The D makes onions crap themselves.

58. If you haven't seen Alien vs. Predator yet, don't bother, The D wins.

59. The D was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

60. The D can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

61. The D was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.

62. On a high school math test, The D put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because The D solves all his problems with Violence.

63. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to The D and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

64. The D doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

65. The D does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

66. The D invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

67. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be The D.

68. Crop circles are The D's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down and shut the fuck up!.

69. The D does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. The D goes killing.

70. The D does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction.

71. There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because The D is going to walk.

72. When The D enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

73. The only time The D was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

74. The D has the heart of a child. He keeps it in a small box.

75. The word "lesbian" derives from an old Latin phrase that roughly translates as "She who has not yet been introduced to The D."

76. Superman owns a pair of The D pajamas.

77. The movie Ray is loosely based on the life of The D, only they substituted piano playing for eating toddlers, and blindness for the ability to fly.

78. What scientists thought was natural selection is actually only the continued survival of animals The D has found too chewy to eat.

79. When The D gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

80. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped The D's house one Christmas.

81. The D has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.

82. Weeping Willows are a result of The D yelling at trees for not being tough enough.

83. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when The D punched himself in the face.

84. The D can watch a season of "24" in just three hours.

85. The D is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right fist.

86. The D became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.

87. The D's dog is trained to pick up his own poop because The D will not take crap from anyone.

88. The D sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.

89. The D can predict the shuffle on his iPod.

90. The D used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

91. The D is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.

92. The D doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.

93. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: The D was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.

94. The D can kill two stones with one bird.

95. The D can tie his shoes with his feet.

96. The D is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.

97. The D can make a paraplegic run for his life.

98. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures The D allows to live.

99. When The D gets pulled over he lets the cop off with a warning.

100. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless The D has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Fitness/Weight loss Update

Howdy Folks! How was your weekend? That's great, listen I have some fitness/ weight loss news for ya'll so pipe down and listen up.

Last Tuesday I went to the gym. It was a nice day, a perfect day for running outside, but I hadn’t been to the gym since early May so it was time to check to see if I had made any progress in my weight loss saga since then. Before I weighed-in I ran on the treadmill. I set the time for 60 minuets. I ran constantly at a setting of 6.5 mph for 4 miles. (I still don’t know if that setting is mph or what, but what else could if be?) I then walked a quarter of a mile, then picked up the running again at 6.5 mph and finished the 60 minuets constantly running. I hit the 6.2 miles (10K) at 58:25 why I couldn’t do that at the hospital hill run I’ll never know. The total distance was 6.45 miles in 60 minuets, which is a new record for distance in 60 minuets. Which is a definite improvement from the last time I ran on the treadmill. So I’m going to say it was a good and satisfying workout.

As for the weight-in, as I cooled down in the locker room I kept having this absolutely crushing, crippling, feeling, it’s kind of difficult to describe, but it’s like you know something is about to go wrong or that you just know nothing good can come from certain situations. I started getting the standard nervous feelings that I usually get when I know I have to do something that I don’t want to do, mostly that entails my stomach performing back-flips, summersaults, crazy eights, all at the same time and usually ends with either, me farting so loudly that it can be heard in the next county, with people asking "Its there an elephant in the area?" or me passing out either way it sucks. Needless to say I don’t like feeling like that so I usually just avoid those situations like I avoid the crazy cat throwing women and those dirty homeless men that hang out at Mill Creek Park when I run outside.

The reason that I had felt like that is because I hadn’t been working out the way that I had been working out, but more on that later.

I strip down out of my wet clothes and put on my underwear and step on the scale. But before I step on the scale (it’s the kind of scale that you adjust yourself) I set it to 190 pounds thinking that I had gained weight. Long story short I keep moving the weight all the way down until I hit 180 lbs and the counter balance evens out. I’m pretty pumped about the results so far but I am not happy at the amount of time it has taken me to get here.

That’s a total loss of 70 pounds in 10 and a half months. Which is nothing to sneeze at, don't get me wrong I am proud that I have reached this point. But since the beginning of the year I have only lost 20 pounds. To further the frustration and disappointment I have only lost 5 pounds in a month and a half. To keep the depression going even further I have been 185 pounds since St. Patricks Day. So it’s really a 5 pound loss in 3 and a half months.

I know exactly why I haven’t lost any weight, or at least very little in that time frame. It’s simply because I have not been working out the way that I was, before the beginning of the year when I was averaging a 10 pound loss per month. In mid February I shifted my workouts from calorie burning to more of a fitness result workout. I started concentrating on my fitness goal, setting and accomplishing, (Trolley Run, Hospital Hill Run WOOT, WOOT) fitness goals instead of weight loss goals. You see, to me, the weight loss goals are totally different from the fitness goals. Much like eating for weight loss is different that eating healthy, at least for me it is.

For the weight loss goals I concentrate on the calories burned when running, for the fitness goals I concentrate on the distance and time. On the weight loss I make the treadmill slope, or set the incline to a steeper than normal slope, somewhere around 5-7% incline. When I focus on the fitness the treadmill is set to 0% incline, or flat, but still set for the same time for both, 60 min.

The problem is that I haven’t been going to the gym. I have been running outside, but with the same consistency of when I was going to the gym both of which were 3-5 days a week. But the route that I run is only 4 miles but does include some pretty tough hills. That route only takes me 35-40 minuets. So I am not burning the same amount of calories when I run outside as opposed to when I go to the gym 3-5 days a week. One bonus of running outside is that I have a pretty kick-ass farmers tan going, ya I know your jealous.


Having said all of that…

It’s time to begin the final push to the final goal. I have never stated what the final weight loss goal was, and I am not about to now.

Although, I have always known what it is and now I know how far I am from it now. I have a little less than two and a half months before the final weight in on September 1st . I will have to begin incorporating some cross training, like the elliptical machine or weight training or both. All of this means I will not be able to focus on the fitness aspect of my goals. This blows because there are 2 runs coming up in the fall and I would at least like to compete in at least one of them. Both are further distances that I have previously run and I would like to run the distance at least once before the actual date of the actual run.

But I set my weight loss goals before the fitness goals so the weight loss goals will trump the fitness goals every single time.

But I will be doing a couple of 5K’s in the next 2 months just for shits and giggles.

As Rocky’s trainer tell him in the latest Rocky movie when he starts to train…

“It’s time to build some hurtin’ bombs.

Or if you like – “The pain train is comin’, CHOOO-CHOOO”