100 Facts That You Didn't Know About The D

1. The D doesn't have to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Tall buildings duck under The D.

2. The D can delete the Recycling Bin.

3. When The D goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

4. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but The D says its beef, then it's beef.

5. Whenever The D plays Chutes and Ladders, he treats the chutes as ladders, because he's not some sissy who can't climb up a plastic slide.

6. When The D deletes files from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.

7. The D can slam revolving doors.

8. Once a cobra bit The D's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

9.The D can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.

10. Giraffes were created when The D uppercut a horse.

11. The D is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.

12. The D was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

13. On his birthday, The D randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

14. The D can speak braille.

15. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for The D.

16. The D once stated that he "doesn't wail on sissy boys." This led to the pink polo shirts with popped collars craze. Little do those pitiful fools know that The D was just making it easier to find sissy boys to wail on.

17. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. The D can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.

18. The D doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

19. The D does not sleep. He waits.

20. The D once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

21. World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, The D ate Kobayashi.

22. If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear The D laughing at you.

23. The D died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

24. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects The D could use to kill you, including the room itself.

25. The D sleeps with a night light. Not because The D is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of The D.

26. The D is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

27. The D's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools The D.

28. The D always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.

29. The D is the only one who can "try this at home."

30. The D beat a wall at tennis. Yes. A WALL.

31. The D's blood type is WD-40.

32. If The D wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.

33. The D played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

34. The last man who made eye contact with The D was Ray Charles.

35. The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that The D's basement was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.

36. You are what you eat. That is why The D's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

37. The D owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

38. Circles exist because The D beat the crap out of some squares.

39. The D had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow, and anywhere The D went the lamb was sure to go. So he killed it.

40. The D was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

41. The D invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.

42. Getting murdered by The D counts as a natural cause of death.

43. When The D plays any video game, God mode automatically turns on.

44. The D destroyed the periodic table, saying The D only recognizes the element of surprise.

45. The D puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

46. The D counted to infinity - twice.

47. The D can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

48. Only once has The D ever cried. The only survivors were a bunch of animals and some dude named Noah.

49. The popular video game "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from The D and forgot to pay him back.

50. The D's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.

51. The D and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.

52. The D once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

53. The D irons his shirts while he's wearing them.

54. The D once got caught doing 100 in a 50 zone. The cop did give him a speeding ticket, however The D still pleads his innocence to this day, stating that he was simply out for a morning jog.

55. The D wears a cup not to protect himself, but to protect the players on the other team.

56. The D knows the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow (African *AND* European).

57. Onions do not make The D cry. The D makes onions crap themselves.

58. If you haven't seen Alien vs. Predator yet, don't bother, The D wins.

59. The D was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

60. The D can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

61. The D was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.

62. On a high school math test, The D put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because The D solves all his problems with Violence.

63. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to The D and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

64. The D doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

65. The D does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

66. The D invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

67. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be The D.

68. Crop circles are The D's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down and shut the fuck up!.

69. The D does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. The D goes killing.

70. The D does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction.

71. There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because The D is going to walk.

72. When The D enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

73. The only time The D was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

74. The D has the heart of a child. He keeps it in a small box.

75. The word "lesbian" derives from an old Latin phrase that roughly translates as "She who has not yet been introduced to The D."

76. Superman owns a pair of The D pajamas.

77. The movie Ray is loosely based on the life of The D, only they substituted piano playing for eating toddlers, and blindness for the ability to fly.

78. What scientists thought was natural selection is actually only the continued survival of animals The D has found too chewy to eat.

79. When The D gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

80. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped The D's house one Christmas.

81. The D has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.

82. Weeping Willows are a result of The D yelling at trees for not being tough enough.

83. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when The D punched himself in the face.

84. The D can watch a season of "24" in just three hours.

85. The D is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right fist.

86. The D became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.

87. The D's dog is trained to pick up his own poop because The D will not take crap from anyone.

88. The D sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.

89. The D can predict the shuffle on his iPod.

90. The D used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

91. The D is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.

92. The D doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.

93. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: The D was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.

94. The D can kill two stones with one bird.

95. The D can tie his shoes with his feet.

96. The D is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.

97. The D can make a paraplegic run for his life.

98. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures The D allows to live.

99. When The D gets pulled over he lets the cop off with a warning.

100. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless The D has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Thursday, May 31, 2007

Weekend Plans - Off the Hook! Fo-shizzle!

Sup my peeps! Is everything going well for you this week? I sure hope so if they are not let me know and I will help you out any way I can.

Before I get to this coming weekend plans I just wanted to wish my one and only Big Sis a happy birthday. May 29th was her 38th. This past weekend her and her family (husband and 2 kids) moved to Newton Kansas, which is a small town just north of Wichita. Congrats to them and their new house. More on this later.

This coming weekend is going to be off the hook fo-shizzle!!!

On Thursday my older brother K-Dog and his family (wife and daughter) are coming home for a visit from Washington D.C. I call them the D.C. Krew. And I spell it with a “K” in Krew because that’s how we roll here in the “Dotte” which is Wyandotte County for you out of towners.

On Friday I have my division bar-be-que at work. I am going to eat so much chicken and turkey I bet I start clucking or gobbling. But I’m going to stay away from the beef, and that nasty ass potato salad (bleh!). Sadly, it’s just a lunch thing and they won’t be serving any beer, which totally blows donkey dicks. I’m also going to pick up the packet for the much anticipated
Hospital Hill Run which takes place on Saturday. More on this later also.

Friday night is dinner with the D.C. Krew and my younger C-Boy and his family (wife and 2 daughters) at our mothers place in Overland Park. I call him C-boy 'cause he is the youngest of the 4 of us. Plus he hates it and its’ my job as an older brother to harass my younger brother until he cries. Hey, K-dog does it to me why should C-boy have it any easier than me?

On Saturday the D.C Krew minus the 11 month old daughter, Audery, will participate in the 34th Annual Hospital Hill Run, they will be running the 5K which is only 3.1 miles (slackers!) I, being the one in the family that always bites off more than he can chew, and sets goals that are WAY out of my reach, and feels the need to be in a constant competitive state with his brothers, whom I am always losing too, am going to run the 10K (6.2 miles). Which I am totally NOT prepared for. But I will most certainly finish but at what time I am not sure. I am shooting for a time of some where around an hour, which will be tough but certainly do-able. I plan to run the entire route or at the very least run the flats and walk the hills (have you see the first hill on this mo-fo?)

As with all races this race is for charity. The money raised in this one goes to help with the cost of womens test that
St. Lukes Hospital does for women, you know all those woman…type…test…and... stuff… Portions of the proceeds from this race will offset the costs of providing services such as mammograms and other health care services to women who lack health insurance or are underinsured. So don’t say I never did anything for the ladies. See all the Charity information here.

Also it would not hurt my feelings one bit if I saw some people some where along the route cheering me on. You can get a
route information here and come out and hold up signs that say things like “The D Rules”, and “We love the D”, or “Darren Rules the rest of you Drool!” or better yet “Hey The D, can I perform oral sex on you after the race?” (That one is only for the single chicks and by “single chicks” I mean not married. (wink wink)). Or you can make your own signs that would be fine with me too.

Saturday afternoon I have my company bar-be-que which I have not yet decided if I want to attend or not. We get some
free swag so I might make an appearance just to get the free stuff. I hope I get a tee shirt instead of some lame ass coffee mug or thermos. Or instead of a tee shirt I could go for a polo shirt. Something I could wear to the office on Fridays would be sweet.

Saturday night the brothers and I are going to the
Crawfish (Craw Fish? Craw Dad? Whatevah!) Festival in Westport. The 3 of us haven’t been out together for years so you ladies better WATCH OUT! When the 3 of us get out and get to drinkin’ it’s always a good time for everyone around. Or we are going to take the family route (kids and wives) and go to a T-bones game. Which means I could actually do both ‘cause the game would be over somewhere around 10 and I could be back to Westport by 10:30 and be wasted by 10:37. Or course this will take proper planning and some pretty inventive lying on my part but whatevah.

I have never been to a T-bones game. But I am looking forward to it. I think I will get sloppy drunk and punch that mascot in the face, just for shits and giggles. I also want to buy a tee shirt, 'cause wearing a team tee shirt is cool any way you look at it, even if the team sucks. But especially if you were it out of town, like the way I am going to wear all my Chiefs paraphernalia when we all go to the Chiefs vs. Bears game in September.

On Sunday I will have to cut the grass, and, if I’m not too hung over we all might go to my sisters’ new place in Newton, Ks. She is having another bar-be-que slash house warming par-tay. That's like 3 bar-b-ques in like 3 days. All these bar-be-ques are really putting a dent in my diet. Or if I’m hung over really bad I won’t do any of that stuff, I’ll just plant my ass on the couch and fall in and out of consciousness.

Yea, it’s going to be one sweet ass-slappin (no homo) weekend. I should out in for P.T.O. on Monday so I can have another day to recover.

What are your weekend plans?