100 Facts That You Didn't Know About The D

1. The D doesn't have to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Tall buildings duck under The D.

2. The D can delete the Recycling Bin.

3. When The D goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

4. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but The D says its beef, then it's beef.

5. Whenever The D plays Chutes and Ladders, he treats the chutes as ladders, because he's not some sissy who can't climb up a plastic slide.

6. When The D deletes files from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.

7. The D can slam revolving doors.

8. Once a cobra bit The D's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

9.The D can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.

10. Giraffes were created when The D uppercut a horse.

11. The D is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.

12. The D was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

13. On his birthday, The D randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

14. The D can speak braille.

15. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for The D.

16. The D once stated that he "doesn't wail on sissy boys." This led to the pink polo shirts with popped collars craze. Little do those pitiful fools know that The D was just making it easier to find sissy boys to wail on.

17. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. The D can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.

18. The D doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

19. The D does not sleep. He waits.

20. The D once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

21. World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, The D ate Kobayashi.

22. If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear The D laughing at you.

23. The D died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

24. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects The D could use to kill you, including the room itself.

25. The D sleeps with a night light. Not because The D is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of The D.

26. The D is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

27. The D's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools The D.

28. The D always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.

29. The D is the only one who can "try this at home."

30. The D beat a wall at tennis. Yes. A WALL.

31. The D's blood type is WD-40.

32. If The D wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.

33. The D played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

34. The last man who made eye contact with The D was Ray Charles.

35. The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that The D's basement was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.

36. You are what you eat. That is why The D's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

37. The D owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

38. Circles exist because The D beat the crap out of some squares.

39. The D had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow, and anywhere The D went the lamb was sure to go. So he killed it.

40. The D was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

41. The D invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.

42. Getting murdered by The D counts as a natural cause of death.

43. When The D plays any video game, God mode automatically turns on.

44. The D destroyed the periodic table, saying The D only recognizes the element of surprise.

45. The D puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

46. The D counted to infinity - twice.

47. The D can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

48. Only once has The D ever cried. The only survivors were a bunch of animals and some dude named Noah.

49. The popular video game "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from The D and forgot to pay him back.

50. The D's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.

51. The D and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.

52. The D once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

53. The D irons his shirts while he's wearing them.

54. The D once got caught doing 100 in a 50 zone. The cop did give him a speeding ticket, however The D still pleads his innocence to this day, stating that he was simply out for a morning jog.

55. The D wears a cup not to protect himself, but to protect the players on the other team.

56. The D knows the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow (African *AND* European).

57. Onions do not make The D cry. The D makes onions crap themselves.

58. If you haven't seen Alien vs. Predator yet, don't bother, The D wins.

59. The D was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

60. The D can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

61. The D was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.

62. On a high school math test, The D put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because The D solves all his problems with Violence.

63. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to The D and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

64. The D doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

65. The D does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

66. The D invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

67. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be The D.

68. Crop circles are The D's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down and shut the fuck up!.

69. The D does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. The D goes killing.

70. The D does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction.

71. There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because The D is going to walk.

72. When The D enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

73. The only time The D was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

74. The D has the heart of a child. He keeps it in a small box.

75. The word "lesbian" derives from an old Latin phrase that roughly translates as "She who has not yet been introduced to The D."

76. Superman owns a pair of The D pajamas.

77. The movie Ray is loosely based on the life of The D, only they substituted piano playing for eating toddlers, and blindness for the ability to fly.

78. What scientists thought was natural selection is actually only the continued survival of animals The D has found too chewy to eat.

79. When The D gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

80. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped The D's house one Christmas.

81. The D has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.

82. Weeping Willows are a result of The D yelling at trees for not being tough enough.

83. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when The D punched himself in the face.

84. The D can watch a season of "24" in just three hours.

85. The D is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right fist.

86. The D became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.

87. The D's dog is trained to pick up his own poop because The D will not take crap from anyone.

88. The D sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.

89. The D can predict the shuffle on his iPod.

90. The D used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

91. The D is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.

92. The D doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.

93. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: The D was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.

94. The D can kill two stones with one bird.

95. The D can tie his shoes with his feet.

96. The D is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.

97. The D can make a paraplegic run for his life.

98. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures The D allows to live.

99. When The D gets pulled over he lets the cop off with a warning.

100. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless The D has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Recent Developments

Greetin's Ya'll,

There have been some recent developments in my life that I think you all should know. (it’s only 1300 words, jeez)

The first story involves fear, heartache, depression, and boredom.

The second story involves great joy, jubilation and just a little discharge, and is the single greatest thing to happen to me this year.

I'll tell you the bad news first so you when you are finished reading this post you will feel good.

(Deep breath)

I was watching my big T.V on Christmas day when all of the sudden I lost the signal on the second satellite. I remember getting chills of fear running down my back. I immediately (by immediately I mean about 4 hours later because I was napping) started first aid on my beloved Tivo, checking wires, looking outside to see if it was raining or if Godzilla was just standing there like some jerk-ass blocking my signal. I then hit the direct TV web site for some other first aid. After doing what there web site said to do, I lost the signal on the first satellite. So now I have no signal what so ever. “What the hell am I going to do now?" I thought. I then felt really sad and even shed a tear or 2, my tivo just died I thought, I then felt a pain in my chest, I thought “Oh God my heart was actually breaking”, but then I farted and the pain went away and I had to leave the house.

The bad news is that my Direct TV/ with Tivo receiver is sick and I mean really sick. Seriously, like, on it death bed sick, I am not fooling around. I talked to the paramedics (there customer service peeps) last night, we tried some other first aid but had not luck in bringing her back to life. The Doctor won't be able to admit her to the hospital until Saturday from 8-noon.

So in the mean time I am forced to watch what I have saved on her memory (which is all of the Lost episodes from earlier this year, Mission Impossible 3, and Its a Wonderful Life). Or, and this is the worst part, watch my 27" CRT television in my guest room. Going from my super Awesome 51" T.V. (where I always skip the commercials) to watching a crappy 27" T.V. with rabbit ears and having to sit though the commercials is like going from flying the Space Shuttle to driving a crappy Ford Pinto! I mean seriously what am I a Neanderthal?

Please pray for my beloved Direct T.V. with Tivo Receiver.

There will be no need to start a fund this time.

(Seriously it’s a problem with the wiring from the Satellite dish that is on the back of the garage to the receiver its self. But I am still bored out of my mind having to watch commercials. Seriously WTF is up with the commercials these days?)


Now on to the good news, or I should say the MOST AWESOME NEWS EVER!!!!

Many if not all of you know that I have been on a diet since September 1st I started walking 4 miles a day, from my house down to Mill Creak Park and back. On that date I was 235 pounds (yes still down from my fattest of 250 pounds when I moved back to from Saint Louis)

I then joined a gym on October 1st just from the walking and eating right I had lost 15 pounds (220 lbs for the math challenged, and yes I did use a calculator to figure that, so what?) not too shabby I remember thinking.

So I set some goals to reach specific weights on specific dates. None of which I reached, I don’t know if they were just over ambitious goals or what. But with my work schedule (because of the project I was working on), the holidays, birthdays, fantasy football, and my buddy Mr. Awesome needing some one to get loaded with, I just could not keep up the schedule of working out 6 days a week.

But every time I got on the scale there was progress a few pounds this week a few more the next, then there would be a set back where I would put on a few pounds. Not a big deal I thought weight loss is like that. I knew what I was getting in to when I started this, I was totally prepared for the set backs, at least mentally I was prepared for them.

So on December 1st I was at 211 lbs. When I was doing this the first time around 2 years ago that was the weight I was when I had to quite the gym for financial reasons.

I set the final goal weight for the year. It was my most ambitious goal yet, but I thought I could make it even with the holidays just around the corner, plus the fact that it was only 3 weeks until Christmas and I knew I would have to eat at my moms more that a few times.

As I was driving home that day I remember thinking to my self “Holy crap man, what are you thinking? Have you lost your mind!? You can’t lose that much weight in only 4 weeks, you have haven’t done it yet so what makes you think you can do it now?”

I’m not going in to details as to what I said to my self after that tyraid but lets just say that I am pretty hard on my self when I start talking to myself like that. (No I am not crazy, everyone talks to them selves, and it’s a scientific fact)

So I set the goal. I could see it, I could taste it, I even anticipated my reaction, (which I was totally wrong about), and I was bound and determined to accomplish at least this one goal. So with pin point laser accuracy I set a weekly goals (hey, you have to make the playoff before you win the Superbowl, right?) a few pounds this week a few more next week and so on. One phrase that I kept using is “weight lose is a marathon NOT a sprint”

I kept pushing even on days when I did not feel like going to they gym (which, on those days I would have the best workouts)

(Now your thinking, “Holy Mollie!! How long it this mo-fo going to talk?”

Shut up! I am almost finished)

The goal was 200 pounds before New Years Day.

I was totally prepared to stay home on New Years doing push-ups, crunches and what ever else I could to make the weight on that date.

Today, December 28, 2006 at 12:46 p.m. central standard time. I “The D” weighted in at….

(Drum roll)

One hundred ninety- seven and three quarters pounds

197¾ lbs

Stop!!! Read that again. Look at it, I SAID LOOK AT IT!!


O.K., O.K. lets all keep our heads, now lets just all calm down. I SAID CALM DOWN!!!

This is the single greatest accomplishment I have ever achieved!! Seriously, you have no idea what I put my self though to get here.

I just want to thank all of you for you encouragement and kind words. They mean more to me than you will ever know. Except for Bill he’s a jerk.

One last thing, don’t call me Big D any more.

I am The D and I am AWESOME!!