100 Facts That You Didn't Know About The D

1. The D doesn't have to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Tall buildings duck under The D.

2. The D can delete the Recycling Bin.

3. When The D goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

4. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but The D says its beef, then it's beef.

5. Whenever The D plays Chutes and Ladders, he treats the chutes as ladders, because he's not some sissy who can't climb up a plastic slide.

6. When The D deletes files from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.

7. The D can slam revolving doors.

8. Once a cobra bit The D's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

9.The D can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.

10. Giraffes were created when The D uppercut a horse.

11. The D is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.

12. The D was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

13. On his birthday, The D randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

14. The D can speak braille.

15. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for The D.

16. The D once stated that he "doesn't wail on sissy boys." This led to the pink polo shirts with popped collars craze. Little do those pitiful fools know that The D was just making it easier to find sissy boys to wail on.

17. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. The D can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.

18. The D doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

19. The D does not sleep. He waits.

20. The D once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

21. World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, The D ate Kobayashi.

22. If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear The D laughing at you.

23. The D died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

24. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects The D could use to kill you, including the room itself.

25. The D sleeps with a night light. Not because The D is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of The D.

26. The D is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

27. The D's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools The D.

28. The D always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.

29. The D is the only one who can "try this at home."

30. The D beat a wall at tennis. Yes. A WALL.

31. The D's blood type is WD-40.

32. If The D wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.

33. The D played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

34. The last man who made eye contact with The D was Ray Charles.

35. The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that The D's basement was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.

36. You are what you eat. That is why The D's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

37. The D owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

38. Circles exist because The D beat the crap out of some squares.

39. The D had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow, and anywhere The D went the lamb was sure to go. So he killed it.

40. The D was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

41. The D invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.

42. Getting murdered by The D counts as a natural cause of death.

43. When The D plays any video game, God mode automatically turns on.

44. The D destroyed the periodic table, saying The D only recognizes the element of surprise.

45. The D puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

46. The D counted to infinity - twice.

47. The D can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

48. Only once has The D ever cried. The only survivors were a bunch of animals and some dude named Noah.

49. The popular video game "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from The D and forgot to pay him back.

50. The D's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.

51. The D and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.

52. The D once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

53. The D irons his shirts while he's wearing them.

54. The D once got caught doing 100 in a 50 zone. The cop did give him a speeding ticket, however The D still pleads his innocence to this day, stating that he was simply out for a morning jog.

55. The D wears a cup not to protect himself, but to protect the players on the other team.

56. The D knows the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow (African *AND* European).

57. Onions do not make The D cry. The D makes onions crap themselves.

58. If you haven't seen Alien vs. Predator yet, don't bother, The D wins.

59. The D was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

60. The D can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

61. The D was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.

62. On a high school math test, The D put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because The D solves all his problems with Violence.

63. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to The D and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

64. The D doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

65. The D does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

66. The D invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

67. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be The D.

68. Crop circles are The D's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down and shut the fuck up!.

69. The D does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. The D goes killing.

70. The D does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction.

71. There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because The D is going to walk.

72. When The D enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

73. The only time The D was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

74. The D has the heart of a child. He keeps it in a small box.

75. The word "lesbian" derives from an old Latin phrase that roughly translates as "She who has not yet been introduced to The D."

76. Superman owns a pair of The D pajamas.

77. The movie Ray is loosely based on the life of The D, only they substituted piano playing for eating toddlers, and blindness for the ability to fly.

78. What scientists thought was natural selection is actually only the continued survival of animals The D has found too chewy to eat.

79. When The D gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

80. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped The D's house one Christmas.

81. The D has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.

82. Weeping Willows are a result of The D yelling at trees for not being tough enough.

83. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when The D punched himself in the face.

84. The D can watch a season of "24" in just three hours.

85. The D is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right fist.

86. The D became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.

87. The D's dog is trained to pick up his own poop because The D will not take crap from anyone.

88. The D sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.

89. The D can predict the shuffle on his iPod.

90. The D used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

91. The D is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.

92. The D doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.

93. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: The D was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.

94. The D can kill two stones with one bird.

95. The D can tie his shoes with his feet.

96. The D is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.

97. The D can make a paraplegic run for his life.

98. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures The D allows to live.

99. When The D gets pulled over he lets the cop off with a warning.

100. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless The D has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Weekend Review

My usual drinking buddies (Mr. Awesome, Reggie, and Scooter) and I were supposed to meet up for happy hour on Friday night but because they can’t get there shit together we did not get out until 6:30. So long happy hour. We were supposed to go some bars that we usually don’t go but they fucked that up too so we just ended up eating dinner at the Grandfalloon (I had the quesadillas) on the plaza. It was hot as fuck in there. Not because of all of the people but because their a/c was mucked up, the waiters said it was because their thermostat thought is was 7 A.M and not 7 p.m. so it was running like no one was there when, in fact there were people in the bar. But it was not overly crowded we go a table right when we walked in.

Next we went to O’Dowd’s for some beers on the roof patio. I was planning on staying there for quite a few beers but after one they wanted to leave.

(I don’t think those dudes realize that I am the only single due in the group. They are constantly wanting to bounce from bar to bar having only one or drinks at each. We single people don’t like to do that we need to have like 5 drinks at a bar before we decide if the place sucks or if it will pick up or not.)

Next we went to some hole in the wall bar in K.C.K we were the only guys there that were under 50 years old and not raging alcoholics.

Then it was back to Westport and the Buzzard Beach we walked in the downstairs and grabbed a table next to 3 women that were clearly in their 40s or 50s. So my friends being the married horn dogs that they are didn’t waste 2 seconds in screwing with these women. I just left the table and went and sat at the bar and watched the Royals lose a 2 run lead in the top of the ninth inning.

They went to Kelly’s and I stayed and finished my Bacardi and coke. I meet back up with them about 11 at Kelly’s that is when I started drinking DOUBLE Bacardi and Cokes.

I really don’t recall a lot after that, I know we all left Kelly’s together but I think I went back to get my credit card. That is when the night started falling apart. I know I got a cab to Nichols for some nice breakfast (I always get the same thing when eating breakfast after a night of drinking, 2 eggs over-easy, hash browns, sausage, white toast and a cup of decaf). After I woofed that down and paid I realized that I was now broke and had no way of paying for a taxi to get home. I was alone, broke, drunk, tired, and horny. But I did know the way home so I walked home.

But only after making my first of 2 drunk phone calls.

I first called a girl I know (she is a really good friend so we will call her “Lonnie” because she has big freshly bought boobies and is blond after, Lonnie Anderson. She is married to a great older due (like 46 years old) we will call "Burt" after Burt Reynolds, This is important to know for later in the story) and left her a message asking her if she wanted to come pick me up and take me home. I told her that I was standing on the street and that I was going to walk home if she did not come get me and if I get shot or ran over it would be her fault. I wish I could recall the exact words that I used but she thought that it was pretty funny when her husband and her listened to it the next morning. I think I got home about 2 and I would think that everyone else would have been their waiting for me because they don’t have keys to my house. But no one was there.

Reggie called about 2:30 and said he was at Sonic across from the Westport Flea market. He was pissed off because they would not serve him because he was walking. So he snagged a cab, stopped at Quicktrip bought a shit load of sammiches and came home. Mr. Awesome and Scooter called about 4 and wanted me to come get them. I told them I was in no shape to drive plus I had 2 other cars in my drive way, and to walk home because I did, I still don’t know were they were calling from, they finally got to my house about 4 a.m.

In the meantime Reggie picked up my home phone and called the first person he could find in the phone. It just happened to be Burt’s only daughter (we will call her Aphrodite because she is SUPER HOT no, she is UBER-HOT) who lives on the east coast. Now before you go all pedophile on me let me explain. Burt was 18 years old when Aphrodite was born and she is now 27 and we hang out whenever she is in town she is really classy and totally out of my league, just like the rest of the girls that I pursue. I don’t know how long they talked. So after he got off with her, I apparently called her. This is where the embarrassment comes in; I don’t even remember talking to her much less calling her. Lonnie, her step-mother, told me the bad news the next day!! I almost crapped when she told me. I can only imagine the disgusting vile things I was saying to her, it makes me very angry that I would do some thing that stupid. I bet I have lost a good friend because of my drunk dialing and I would not blame her one bit. I am a dumb shit, douche bag and I know it. I made my bed so I will lie in it. Until she replies to my email apology, and tell me what I said. Besides she already thinks I am a total loser anyway, but this may have been the straw that broke the camel back.

Next time I am going to have to unplug the home phone and put a lock on my cell phone. Or maybe I just should not get that drunk…Na, I don’t think that will happen.