The D Rules!!: Best Saturday EVER!!

100 Facts That You Didn't Know About The D

1. The D doesn't have to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Tall buildings duck under The D.

2. The D can delete the Recycling Bin.

3. When The D goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

4. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but The D says its beef, then it's beef.

5. Whenever The D plays Chutes and Ladders, he treats the chutes as ladders, because he's not some sissy who can't climb up a plastic slide.

6. When The D deletes files from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.

7. The D can slam revolving doors.

8. Once a cobra bit The D's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

9.The D can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.

10. Giraffes were created when The D uppercut a horse.

11. The D is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.

12. The D was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

13. On his birthday, The D randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

14. The D can speak braille.

15. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for The D.

16. The D once stated that he "doesn't wail on sissy boys." This led to the pink polo shirts with popped collars craze. Little do those pitiful fools know that The D was just making it easier to find sissy boys to wail on.

17. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. The D can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.

18. The D doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

19. The D does not sleep. He waits.

20. The D once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

21. World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, The D ate Kobayashi.

22. If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear The D laughing at you.

23. The D died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

24. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects The D could use to kill you, including the room itself.

25. The D sleeps with a night light. Not because The D is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of The D.

26. The D is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

27. The D's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools The D.

28. The D always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.

29. The D is the only one who can "try this at home."

30. The D beat a wall at tennis. Yes. A WALL.

31. The D's blood type is WD-40.

32. If The D wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.

33. The D played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

34. The last man who made eye contact with The D was Ray Charles.

35. The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that The D's basement was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.

36. You are what you eat. That is why The D's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

37. The D owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

38. Circles exist because The D beat the crap out of some squares.

39. The D had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow, and anywhere The D went the lamb was sure to go. So he killed it.

40. The D was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

41. The D invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.

42. Getting murdered by The D counts as a natural cause of death.

43. When The D plays any video game, God mode automatically turns on.

44. The D destroyed the periodic table, saying The D only recognizes the element of surprise.

45. The D puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

46. The D counted to infinity - twice.

47. The D can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

48. Only once has The D ever cried. The only survivors were a bunch of animals and some dude named Noah.

49. The popular video game "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from The D and forgot to pay him back.

50. The D's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.

51. The D and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.

52. The D once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

53. The D irons his shirts while he's wearing them.

54. The D once got caught doing 100 in a 50 zone. The cop did give him a speeding ticket, however The D still pleads his innocence to this day, stating that he was simply out for a morning jog.

55. The D wears a cup not to protect himself, but to protect the players on the other team.

56. The D knows the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow (African *AND* European).

57. Onions do not make The D cry. The D makes onions crap themselves.

58. If you haven't seen Alien vs. Predator yet, don't bother, The D wins.

59. The D was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

60. The D can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

61. The D was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.

62. On a high school math test, The D put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because The D solves all his problems with Violence.

63. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to The D and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

64. The D doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

65. The D does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

66. The D invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

67. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be The D.

68. Crop circles are The D's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down and shut the fuck up!.

69. The D does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. The D goes killing.

70. The D does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction.

71. There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because The D is going to walk.

72. When The D enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

73. The only time The D was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

74. The D has the heart of a child. He keeps it in a small box.

75. The word "lesbian" derives from an old Latin phrase that roughly translates as "She who has not yet been introduced to The D."

76. Superman owns a pair of The D pajamas.

77. The movie Ray is loosely based on the life of The D, only they substituted piano playing for eating toddlers, and blindness for the ability to fly.

78. What scientists thought was natural selection is actually only the continued survival of animals The D has found too chewy to eat.

79. When The D gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

80. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped The D's house one Christmas.

81. The D has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.

82. Weeping Willows are a result of The D yelling at trees for not being tough enough.

83. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when The D punched himself in the face.

84. The D can watch a season of "24" in just three hours.

85. The D is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right fist.

86. The D became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.

87. The D's dog is trained to pick up his own poop because The D will not take crap from anyone.

88. The D sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.

89. The D can predict the shuffle on his iPod.

90. The D used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

91. The D is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.

92. The D doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.

93. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: The D was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.

94. The D can kill two stones with one bird.

95. The D can tie his shoes with his feet.

96. The D is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.

97. The D can make a paraplegic run for his life.

98. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures The D allows to live.

99. When The D gets pulled over he lets the cop off with a warning.

100. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless The D has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Monday, July 31, 2006

Best Saturday EVER!!

On Saturday I woke up around 8:00 called my moms to make sure she would be home so I could cut her grass that morning. I use her mower because it is self propelled (my mower is not), so I call her to make sure she will be home so I can get to the mower which is in the garage. I arrived about 10, put on some tunes from my phone and commenced to cutting the grass. I finished cutting, trimming and blowing off the sidewalks about 11:45 or noon. By the time I was finished I was absolutely drenched with sweat, I think it was only 99 degrees outside but I was completely wet from head to toes. I knew I was going to sweat my balls off so I did not wear any underwear under my shorts; instead I wore some spandex shorts, which in the long run was a very good idea.

I got back to my house about 12:30 and busted out my gas powered hedge trimmer, all of my lawn tools are gas powered because I like the power. I have needed to trim the bushes in the front, side and along the patio in back of the house for quite some time. That took about an hour. We are now up to about 1:30 or 2:00 o’clock which is the hottest part of the day. At this point I am starting to get kind of tired, al thought the hedge trimmer is light it started to get really fucking heavy (I mean like 100 pounds heavy) after using it for about an hour.

After, I took a brake inside to fill my stomach with 2 gallons of water. (I once passed out from heat stroke/exhaustion while helping my sister move years ago. But I never told her that I went to a Van Hagar concert and got completely wasted the night before.) I went back out to cut and clean up the bush clippings. I just cut the grass and went back inside to cool down again. Keep in mind I am still wearing the drenched Chiefs tee shirt and shorts that I started the day in and I have been wet ever since I started hours before.

We are now up to about 3:00 or 3:30 when I went back out to start the final clean up of the yard driveway and sidewalks. I raked all of the clipping to the driveway and picked up what I could with the rake and snow shovel (I use the snow shovel because using it inconjuction with the rake I can pick up a lot more in one pass than I could with just the rake and my hand). When I finished all of that it was 4 in the afternoon.

I was wet, sweaty, dirty, filthy, and sore, but overall I felt really good. So I decide to reward myself by getting drunk that night. I called a few buddies (who are all married) they were all down with the idea of getting shit faced but there wives had other plans for them so they were out. I called a few single girls (read sexy bitches) that I knew and I made plans to meet then out in Westport.

I took a quick nap (because us fat bastards need our rest) showered and shaved. I met up with the girls about 8:00 at McCoy’s for dinner. I had the Mac and cheese with chicken and broccoli (it was awesome but not as awesome as me). We stayed there until, about 10 and walked over to Harry’s bars and tables. Which is where the shots and the Bacardi and cokes started coming at me like punches from Mohammad Ali, and everyone landed. We left there about midnight and went to Karma. At which point most of the girls left to get home to the boy friends or there current fuck buddies.

About 1 a.m. I ran into an old friend of mine from years ago. Her name is Mary she is short with long fiery red hair and deep blue eyes and a great body (totally out of my league) and she looked GREAT. She was in town for some reason I don’t remember. I told her about my kick-ass day and how proud of myself that I was, and that she should come back to my house and see how good it looked. Or course I was just trying to get her back to my place so I could do dirty, dirty things to her. But she said “Sure I would love to go back to your place.” I was in total shock not because she agreed to go back to my place but because she really wanted to see my lawn and trimmed bushes, I only trying to be funny.

We left we left Karma about 2 and went back to my place. Now I can’t give you any details because that would give me a stiffy and it’s late, I have to get up for work tomorrow. But I can tell you that she did not see any of my hard work from the day but she did get a good look at my bedroom ceiling fan and the head board of my bed, with me behind her, if you know what I am saying.

Sunday morning we were lying in bed, and heard the loud boom from outside. The ceiling fan stopped and the ac quite working.
With the power out there was nothing left to do but have dirty sweaty monkey sex again! The power came on about an hour later and we did not even notice.

So, for a quick recap I stated about 10 in the morning, cut my moms lawn, trimmed my bushes, cut my grass, and picked up the clippings and blew off the driveway all in about 6 hours out in the 100 degree heat. Went out, got drunk and had sex with a really awesome woman.

That my friend is the best Saturday EVER! I will never top this day.

I don’t know if you know this but I am AWESOME!