100 Facts That You Didn't Know About The D

1. The D doesn't have to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Tall buildings duck under The D.

2. The D can delete the Recycling Bin.

3. When The D goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

4. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but The D says its beef, then it's beef.

5. Whenever The D plays Chutes and Ladders, he treats the chutes as ladders, because he's not some sissy who can't climb up a plastic slide.

6. When The D deletes files from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.

7. The D can slam revolving doors.

8. Once a cobra bit The D's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

9.The D can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.

10. Giraffes were created when The D uppercut a horse.

11. The D is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.

12. The D was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

13. On his birthday, The D randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

14. The D can speak braille.

15. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for The D.

16. The D once stated that he "doesn't wail on sissy boys." This led to the pink polo shirts with popped collars craze. Little do those pitiful fools know that The D was just making it easier to find sissy boys to wail on.

17. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. The D can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.

18. The D doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

19. The D does not sleep. He waits.

20. The D once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

21. World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, The D ate Kobayashi.

22. If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear The D laughing at you.

23. The D died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

24. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects The D could use to kill you, including the room itself.

25. The D sleeps with a night light. Not because The D is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of The D.

26. The D is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

27. The D's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools The D.

28. The D always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.

29. The D is the only one who can "try this at home."

30. The D beat a wall at tennis. Yes. A WALL.

31. The D's blood type is WD-40.

32. If The D wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.

33. The D played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

34. The last man who made eye contact with The D was Ray Charles.

35. The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that The D's basement was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.

36. You are what you eat. That is why The D's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

37. The D owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

38. Circles exist because The D beat the crap out of some squares.

39. The D had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow, and anywhere The D went the lamb was sure to go. So he killed it.

40. The D was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

41. The D invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.

42. Getting murdered by The D counts as a natural cause of death.

43. When The D plays any video game, God mode automatically turns on.

44. The D destroyed the periodic table, saying The D only recognizes the element of surprise.

45. The D puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

46. The D counted to infinity - twice.

47. The D can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

48. Only once has The D ever cried. The only survivors were a bunch of animals and some dude named Noah.

49. The popular video game "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from The D and forgot to pay him back.

50. The D's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.

51. The D and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.

52. The D once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

53. The D irons his shirts while he's wearing them.

54. The D once got caught doing 100 in a 50 zone. The cop did give him a speeding ticket, however The D still pleads his innocence to this day, stating that he was simply out for a morning jog.

55. The D wears a cup not to protect himself, but to protect the players on the other team.

56. The D knows the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow (African *AND* European).

57. Onions do not make The D cry. The D makes onions crap themselves.

58. If you haven't seen Alien vs. Predator yet, don't bother, The D wins.

59. The D was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

60. The D can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

61. The D was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.

62. On a high school math test, The D put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because The D solves all his problems with Violence.

63. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to The D and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

64. The D doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

65. The D does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

66. The D invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

67. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be The D.

68. Crop circles are The D's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down and shut the fuck up!.

69. The D does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. The D goes killing.

70. The D does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction.

71. There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because The D is going to walk.

72. When The D enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

73. The only time The D was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

74. The D has the heart of a child. He keeps it in a small box.

75. The word "lesbian" derives from an old Latin phrase that roughly translates as "She who has not yet been introduced to The D."

76. Superman owns a pair of The D pajamas.

77. The movie Ray is loosely based on the life of The D, only they substituted piano playing for eating toddlers, and blindness for the ability to fly.

78. What scientists thought was natural selection is actually only the continued survival of animals The D has found too chewy to eat.

79. When The D gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

80. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped The D's house one Christmas.

81. The D has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.

82. Weeping Willows are a result of The D yelling at trees for not being tough enough.

83. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when The D punched himself in the face.

84. The D can watch a season of "24" in just three hours.

85. The D is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right fist.

86. The D became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.

87. The D's dog is trained to pick up his own poop because The D will not take crap from anyone.

88. The D sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.

89. The D can predict the shuffle on his iPod.

90. The D used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

91. The D is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.

92. The D doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.

93. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: The D was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.

94. The D can kill two stones with one bird.

95. The D can tie his shoes with his feet.

96. The D is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.

97. The D can make a paraplegic run for his life.

98. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures The D allows to live.

99. When The D gets pulled over he lets the cop off with a warning.

100. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless The D has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Monday, November 05, 2007

Weekend Wrap Up With The D

Friday after having dinner with the family at moms for her birthday I went to Joseph A. Banks at Oak Park Mall. I know I told everyone that I was going to go to Men's Warehouse but on the advice of C-boy and his wife I decided to make a command decision and go with some place I had never been, plus I knew they were having a sale. I try on three pairs of pants and decide to go with the 34" waist. But I wear a 32-33 in jeans so I'm like WTF, yo? Apparently there is no universal size chart when it comes to men's clothes either, so you women aren't the only ones that have to keep track of what size you wear from different designers or stores. I used to wear a 38-40 in dress slacks now I wear a 34" waist. Even though I don't like the pleated slacks I did get 2 pairs (thinking the pleated pants look nicer when I'm wearing a tie, which I have to do 4 days a week for work.) I also got one pair of flat front pants that I wore to the wedding the next day. All three had to be tailored for the length, but I had them put a rush on the flat fronts because I wanted to wear them to the wedding on Saturday.

Then we move on to the shirts I tell the dude that I used to be a 18 1/2"/34-35 before I lost 85 pounds in 14 months. He bust out his tape and then says that I am now a 17"/33. (If you didn't know the first number is the neck size and the second is the length from the wrist to the middle of your back just above the shoulder blades.) So that means that I've lost 1 1/2" off my neck, and 2" off my sleeve length. (Because I've lost 85 pounds in 14 months.) I start digging though the shirts for some colors to go with the pants that I was going to wear the next day. While I'm bent over another salesman comes over and says "Where did you get those jeans." "Umm, I bought them at Banana Republic last march. They're now a little too lose now.", I say. "Na, they look alright." He replies back. I didn't realize it, until I was on my way out of the mall, but I think he was hitting on me. (EW.) At least I think he was, what straight dude would complement another dude about his pants? But I'm totally counting it as a Darukah gift for Friday.

Another unexpected surprise happened when I was checking out. The guy (the one that was helping me not the one hitting on me) asked me where I worked and if we had a corporate account. I told him where I worked and apparently we do have a corporate account which saved me another 20% off the already sale price. YESSS! BONUS!!

Saturday Mr. Awesome and I manned a martini bar at Reggie's cousins wedding reception. I was apprehensive in agreeing to do this when I was first asked because I have never tended bar or anything like that before, but once I got all of the details I agreed to do it. I knew the bride from playing kickball last fall. The evening went off with out a hitch she had left us with all the supplies and instructions on how to make them and how much of each ingredient goes in each one. We only had the supplies for 3 different martinis, Apple, (commonly known as a Appletini), a Cosmopolitan, and a Hawaiian Sea Breeze. The Apple and the Hawaiian were the most popular. But after a few hours of doing it correctly we just started pouring just about any thing in to them. She paid us 50 bucks plus the 10 bucks in tips we made. After the reception we meet up with the EYE-talian at Johnny's on Shawnee Mission Parkway. Mr. Awesome called it quits and The EYE-talian and I cam back to my house and drank all my beer, where we argued about it being the end of daylight savings time I said it was not he said it was, I lost the argument. I then sent out a drunken text message to just about everyone I know. If you got it congratulations, if you didn't then I guess it sucks to be you.

Sunday, I watched the Chiefs lose to the Packers. Speaking of fudge packers what the hell has happened to Nebraska football? And to KSU for that matter? Don't even get me started on Notre Dame. But as long as the Jayhawks win I'm happy. That KU-Neb game was an absolute blow out! 76-39? Did Nebraska even show up for the game. Did you know that that score is the highest combined score in the history of the Big 12? Did you also know that Kansas is now ranked #4 in the BCS? I'm not gonna bag on KSU because you only lost by 11 points, and I don't want some of you dudes to start crying again.

Darukah Gifts: Friday night was the clothes. And getting hit on by some dude. Saturday was a e-card from Spyder (she's totally kicking all your asses on the Darukah gifts people! Ya'll really need to step it up!! Did I tell you this was a competition? No? Good, cause it's not.) I also got a couple of beers from the EYE-talian, and Mr. Awesome. Sunday, I bought myself an egg McMuffin from Mickey D's. And Abby sent me a song.

Have a nice week Ya'll! Thanks for reading.