100 Facts That You Didn't Know About The D

1. The D doesn't have to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Tall buildings duck under The D.

2. The D can delete the Recycling Bin.

3. When The D goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

4. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but The D says its beef, then it's beef.

5. Whenever The D plays Chutes and Ladders, he treats the chutes as ladders, because he's not some sissy who can't climb up a plastic slide.

6. When The D deletes files from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.

7. The D can slam revolving doors.

8. Once a cobra bit The D's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

9.The D can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.

10. Giraffes were created when The D uppercut a horse.

11. The D is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.

12. The D was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

13. On his birthday, The D randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

14. The D can speak braille.

15. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for The D.

16. The D once stated that he "doesn't wail on sissy boys." This led to the pink polo shirts with popped collars craze. Little do those pitiful fools know that The D was just making it easier to find sissy boys to wail on.

17. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. The D can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.

18. The D doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

19. The D does not sleep. He waits.

20. The D once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

21. World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, The D ate Kobayashi.

22. If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear The D laughing at you.

23. The D died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

24. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects The D could use to kill you, including the room itself.

25. The D sleeps with a night light. Not because The D is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of The D.

26. The D is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

27. The D's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools The D.

28. The D always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.

29. The D is the only one who can "try this at home."

30. The D beat a wall at tennis. Yes. A WALL.

31. The D's blood type is WD-40.

32. If The D wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.

33. The D played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

34. The last man who made eye contact with The D was Ray Charles.

35. The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that The D's basement was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.

36. You are what you eat. That is why The D's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

37. The D owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

38. Circles exist because The D beat the crap out of some squares.

39. The D had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow, and anywhere The D went the lamb was sure to go. So he killed it.

40. The D was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

41. The D invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.

42. Getting murdered by The D counts as a natural cause of death.

43. When The D plays any video game, God mode automatically turns on.

44. The D destroyed the periodic table, saying The D only recognizes the element of surprise.

45. The D puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

46. The D counted to infinity - twice.

47. The D can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

48. Only once has The D ever cried. The only survivors were a bunch of animals and some dude named Noah.

49. The popular video game "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from The D and forgot to pay him back.

50. The D's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.

51. The D and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.

52. The D once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

53. The D irons his shirts while he's wearing them.

54. The D once got caught doing 100 in a 50 zone. The cop did give him a speeding ticket, however The D still pleads his innocence to this day, stating that he was simply out for a morning jog.

55. The D wears a cup not to protect himself, but to protect the players on the other team.

56. The D knows the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow (African *AND* European).

57. Onions do not make The D cry. The D makes onions crap themselves.

58. If you haven't seen Alien vs. Predator yet, don't bother, The D wins.

59. The D was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

60. The D can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

61. The D was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.

62. On a high school math test, The D put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because The D solves all his problems with Violence.

63. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to The D and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

64. The D doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

65. The D does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

66. The D invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

67. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be The D.

68. Crop circles are The D's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down and shut the fuck up!.

69. The D does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. The D goes killing.

70. The D does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction.

71. There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because The D is going to walk.

72. When The D enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

73. The only time The D was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

74. The D has the heart of a child. He keeps it in a small box.

75. The word "lesbian" derives from an old Latin phrase that roughly translates as "She who has not yet been introduced to The D."

76. Superman owns a pair of The D pajamas.

77. The movie Ray is loosely based on the life of The D, only they substituted piano playing for eating toddlers, and blindness for the ability to fly.

78. What scientists thought was natural selection is actually only the continued survival of animals The D has found too chewy to eat.

79. When The D gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

80. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped The D's house one Christmas.

81. The D has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.

82. Weeping Willows are a result of The D yelling at trees for not being tough enough.

83. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when The D punched himself in the face.

84. The D can watch a season of "24" in just three hours.

85. The D is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right fist.

86. The D became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.

87. The D's dog is trained to pick up his own poop because The D will not take crap from anyone.

88. The D sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.

89. The D can predict the shuffle on his iPod.

90. The D used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

91. The D is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.

92. The D doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.

93. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: The D was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.

94. The D can kill two stones with one bird.

95. The D can tie his shoes with his feet.

96. The D is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.

97. The D can make a paraplegic run for his life.

98. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures The D allows to live.

99. When The D gets pulled over he lets the cop off with a warning.

100. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless The D has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Monday, October 01, 2007

Weekend Update

This is Weekend Update with The D! (I should get a theme song)

Good evening everyone I'm The D and you're not!

Friday night started out pretty uneventful with me on the couch trying to catch up on all the new shows T.V. that I had missed during the week. Then I get a call from Burt and Lonnie wanting me to come up to the Point and have a drink with them (well have a drink with Burt anyway). I hadn't had a drink with my favorite pregnant couple for a few weeks so after a quick shave and shower I was off to The Point. Burt's nephew Red is a manager there and I'm probably as close to him as I am with the rest of that family (sadly there are no single chicks in that family that live in Kansas City). We only had about two maybe three drinks at The Point when I start getting text messages from another couple of friends that were down at Kelly's. Burt and Lonnie had just moved that day so they were going to call it a night anyway so I walked back to their new apartment to check it out. Typical new apartment boxes everywhere. Overall it's a nice place with a heated pool and hot tub that I plan on sneaking into in the near future.

I get down to Kelly's in Westport and meet up with my pal from high school, Pam (as in Anderson) and her husband, Scott (as in Baio). I had not seen Pam and Scott for over a year but have always kept in touch with them. Scott, the ditz that he is, finally noticed that I had lost weight after about 20 minutes and Pam and I talking about it. After a few B&C's for me and some tall beers for them, Pam disappears for a little while. She comes back with these 3 mildly attractive girls that were either just 21 or maybe 22 years old. Drunk girl #1 walks up to me and puts her hand on my thigh and whispers in my ear says "I want to see it." Perplexed I ask "See what?" "You know your 3 balls." "WTF?" I think. I then see Pam behind this girl absolutely dying from laughter. Because Pam thought it would be funny to tell this girl that I had 3 nuts. So as with any abnormality people wanted to see it (wouldn't you?). So she kept asking me to see it (when clearly she should have been saying she wanted to see THEM, but she was wasted.) Then she started getting all handsy and trying to grabbing my stuff that's when I had to put an end to it. All the while Pam and Scott are just laughing there asses off and not helping me whatsoever while talking to this drunk ass girls friends. It took me at least 30 min to get this drunk ass girl to 1) believe me that I had that standard issue testicles and 2) leave me alone.

While at Kelly's we were invited to this house party. So the 3 of us said sure why not, and went after the bar closed. The dudes that invited us told us it would be "off the hook" with plenty of chicks so we decided to check it out. WRONG! It was the lamest after hours party in the history of all after hours parties EVER. They didn't even have any beer except for a 12 pack hidden in the fridge. But Scott and I sniffed it out and swiped a couple them and took off. Who has an after hours party and doesn't have plenty of booze? Rookies!

Amazingly, I didn't even get a chance to get any drunk text messages out before I went to bed at 4 am. Sorry about that, I'll do better next time. I know you all missed them and enjoy them so much.

Saturday, I laid around until it was time to get ready for my date. I wore jeans and a new shirt I picked up a few days ago since I don't have any clothes that fit me except one pair of jeans and a few tee shirts (but that's another post altogether). I pick her up at her apartment in Overland Park at 9 at 9:10 I knew that this was one crazy bitch. Reason #1: She talked about her dog CONSTANTLY and I'm pretty sure she was having sex with it when I knocked on her door. Reason #2 WAY too much talking about her ex-boyfriends. Reason #3 dumb as a post, I actually had her thinking that she needed to have her blinker fluid in her car changed. I also told her that I was the Official Standing Ovation starter at Royals and Brigade games. (I almost lost it on that one). That ladies and Gents is the trifecta of things NOT to do on a date. So not to drag this out forever but those are things that drive me absolutely NUTS! It's too bad too she was smoking hot too.

(Before you go thinking I'm some kind of asshole for telling her that stuff, and messing with her, I want to tell you that if I was an asshole I would have slept with her, but I didn't. That's not what I'm looking for in a date. Besides dumb girls are a HUGE turn off.)

Sunday was the usual nap, Chiefs game, nap.

Have a good week folks. Thanks for reading.