100 Facts That You Didn't Know About The D

1. The D doesn't have to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Tall buildings duck under The D.

2. The D can delete the Recycling Bin.

3. When The D goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

4. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but The D says its beef, then it's beef.

5. Whenever The D plays Chutes and Ladders, he treats the chutes as ladders, because he's not some sissy who can't climb up a plastic slide.

6. When The D deletes files from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.

7. The D can slam revolving doors.

8. Once a cobra bit The D's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

9.The D can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.

10. Giraffes were created when The D uppercut a horse.

11. The D is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.

12. The D was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

13. On his birthday, The D randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

14. The D can speak braille.

15. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for The D.

16. The D once stated that he "doesn't wail on sissy boys." This led to the pink polo shirts with popped collars craze. Little do those pitiful fools know that The D was just making it easier to find sissy boys to wail on.

17. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. The D can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.

18. The D doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

19. The D does not sleep. He waits.

20. The D once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

21. World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, The D ate Kobayashi.

22. If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear The D laughing at you.

23. The D died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

24. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects The D could use to kill you, including the room itself.

25. The D sleeps with a night light. Not because The D is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of The D.

26. The D is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

27. The D's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools The D.

28. The D always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.

29. The D is the only one who can "try this at home."

30. The D beat a wall at tennis. Yes. A WALL.

31. The D's blood type is WD-40.

32. If The D wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.

33. The D played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

34. The last man who made eye contact with The D was Ray Charles.

35. The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that The D's basement was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.

36. You are what you eat. That is why The D's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

37. The D owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

38. Circles exist because The D beat the crap out of some squares.

39. The D had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow, and anywhere The D went the lamb was sure to go. So he killed it.

40. The D was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

41. The D invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.

42. Getting murdered by The D counts as a natural cause of death.

43. When The D plays any video game, God mode automatically turns on.

44. The D destroyed the periodic table, saying The D only recognizes the element of surprise.

45. The D puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

46. The D counted to infinity - twice.

47. The D can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

48. Only once has The D ever cried. The only survivors were a bunch of animals and some dude named Noah.

49. The popular video game "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from The D and forgot to pay him back.

50. The D's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.

51. The D and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.

52. The D once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

53. The D irons his shirts while he's wearing them.

54. The D once got caught doing 100 in a 50 zone. The cop did give him a speeding ticket, however The D still pleads his innocence to this day, stating that he was simply out for a morning jog.

55. The D wears a cup not to protect himself, but to protect the players on the other team.

56. The D knows the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow (African *AND* European).

57. Onions do not make The D cry. The D makes onions crap themselves.

58. If you haven't seen Alien vs. Predator yet, don't bother, The D wins.

59. The D was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

60. The D can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

61. The D was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.

62. On a high school math test, The D put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because The D solves all his problems with Violence.

63. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to The D and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

64. The D doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

65. The D does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

66. The D invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

67. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be The D.

68. Crop circles are The D's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down and shut the fuck up!.

69. The D does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. The D goes killing.

70. The D does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction.

71. There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because The D is going to walk.

72. When The D enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

73. The only time The D was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

74. The D has the heart of a child. He keeps it in a small box.

75. The word "lesbian" derives from an old Latin phrase that roughly translates as "She who has not yet been introduced to The D."

76. Superman owns a pair of The D pajamas.

77. The movie Ray is loosely based on the life of The D, only they substituted piano playing for eating toddlers, and blindness for the ability to fly.

78. What scientists thought was natural selection is actually only the continued survival of animals The D has found too chewy to eat.

79. When The D gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

80. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped The D's house one Christmas.

81. The D has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.

82. Weeping Willows are a result of The D yelling at trees for not being tough enough.

83. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when The D punched himself in the face.

84. The D can watch a season of "24" in just three hours.

85. The D is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right fist.

86. The D became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.

87. The D's dog is trained to pick up his own poop because The D will not take crap from anyone.

88. The D sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.

89. The D can predict the shuffle on his iPod.

90. The D used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

91. The D is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.

92. The D doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.

93. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: The D was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.

94. The D can kill two stones with one bird.

95. The D can tie his shoes with his feet.

96. The D is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.

97. The D can make a paraplegic run for his life.

98. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures The D allows to live.

99. When The D gets pulled over he lets the cop off with a warning.

100. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless The D has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Conspiracy a Brewin’!

A couple of weeks ago I went to my nieces 3rd birthday party. What I haven’t told you is the resulting conspiracy against me because of the gift that I gave her.

Here’s the whole story:

A couple of days before the party I asked a friend if there was any place other than
Children’s Place to buy toddler/baby cloths for a 3 year old. I didn’t feel like driving all the way out to Town Center Plaza (not to be confused with the County Club Plaza by you out of town readers. They're TOTES different!) She told me she had a friend that works at/owns a little boutique in Prairie Village called Mady & Me. My pal tells me about the shop and all the cute little kid stuff they have (she’s quite the saleslady that pal). I decide to go after work on the Friday, before the party (the party was on a Saturday). When I get to the shop I walk in and get greeted, by a very nice (and pretty) sales lady by who goes by Melinda, that’s the friend of my pal. We chitchat about how I know her friend and some other small talk. In the meantime she is showing me a couple of nice outfits for little girls. But I’m kind undecided about what she shows me. All of the clothing items were nice but I needed to keep in mind that if Sophia’s mom doesn’t like the outfit she’ll never let her wear it, regardless of what Sophia thinks about it. (I essentially have to please two girls with one purchase) Besides, she’s three what does a three year old know what she likes anyway?

So I pick out a nice fall looking outfit that has a brown long sleeve shirt with pink pants with brown and white poke-a-dots on the pants. It also has some kind of fall looking design or emblem on the front of the shirt.

Here’s the outfit pic I just got by special request.

(Sophia’s wasn’t available for modeling, apparently she had a previous engagement.)

Melinda the sales lady wraps it up, and while she’s ringing me up she reminds me that I also need a card to put in the bag. So I quickly buy a card and toss it in the bag. (Of course I forgot about the card and never filled it out. So what, it’s for a 3 year old, she can’t read yet).

So at the party on Saturday, Sophia is opening gift and my sister is writing down the roster of who got her what so The SIL can send out thank you cards later. I’m being handed the cards by Sophia, so I can tell my sister who the gifts are from, then this conversation takes place:

“What did you get her?” The SIS asked.
“Just a little fall outfit.”
“Where’d you get it?”
Mady & Me in Prairie Village?”
“Why did you go there?”
“A friend of mine suggested it to me.”
“A friend, what’s with the inquisition? Ya’ll know I have friends that are girls, so what’s the big deal?”
“Is she single?”
Here we go again.”
“How do you know her?”
“UGH! Drop it!”

Now Sophia FINALLY gets to my gift, pulls it out of the bag, looks at it, says “Mommy look!” Then comes running up to me for a hug and to say thank you. Then she hands it to her mom who holds it up so every one can see it. Then the inquisition begins – Who picked that out? Did you pick that out? I don’t think you picked that out.

I was just totally dumbfounds me that these women folk in my family don’t think that I have the enough fashion sense that I can’t even pick out a simple outfit for a 3 year old. I picked out the clothes I bought her last Christmas and I didn’t get this kind of backlash and those were just as kick-ass.

So the conspiracy is that they (the women folk in my family) thank I have some kind of person (or persons) who go out and picks out these kids clothes and then I take all of the credit. Well I’m here to tell you that I don’t have anyone that picks out the clothes themselves that’s all on me. BUT what I do is ask various women friends (I call them all pals) as to where I should go for these gifts. But then it’s all on me (The D) to do the final decision on the gifts. NOW, in this case Melinda (the lady that works there) did show me a few options so I just wasn’t wandering around the store aimlessly. But again I have the final say in all of the purchases that I make regarding the kids in the family. And it will stay that way until I meet someone that would be willing to take over these types of responsibilities. Which, as it’s going might be a while.

So I hope this puts a final end to this conspiracy that the women folk in my family have against me.

If you need to buy clothes for the little kids in your life go to
Mady & Me, their mmmaaaarvelous!