100 Facts That You Didn't Know About The D

1. The D doesn't have to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Tall buildings duck under The D.

2. The D can delete the Recycling Bin.

3. When The D goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

4. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but The D says its beef, then it's beef.

5. Whenever The D plays Chutes and Ladders, he treats the chutes as ladders, because he's not some sissy who can't climb up a plastic slide.

6. When The D deletes files from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.

7. The D can slam revolving doors.

8. Once a cobra bit The D's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

9.The D can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.

10. Giraffes were created when The D uppercut a horse.

11. The D is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.

12. The D was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

13. On his birthday, The D randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

14. The D can speak braille.

15. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for The D.

16. The D once stated that he "doesn't wail on sissy boys." This led to the pink polo shirts with popped collars craze. Little do those pitiful fools know that The D was just making it easier to find sissy boys to wail on.

17. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. The D can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.

18. The D doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

19. The D does not sleep. He waits.

20. The D once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

21. World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, The D ate Kobayashi.

22. If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear The D laughing at you.

23. The D died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

24. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects The D could use to kill you, including the room itself.

25. The D sleeps with a night light. Not because The D is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of The D.

26. The D is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

27. The D's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools The D.

28. The D always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.

29. The D is the only one who can "try this at home."

30. The D beat a wall at tennis. Yes. A WALL.

31. The D's blood type is WD-40.

32. If The D wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.

33. The D played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

34. The last man who made eye contact with The D was Ray Charles.

35. The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that The D's basement was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.

36. You are what you eat. That is why The D's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

37. The D owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

38. Circles exist because The D beat the crap out of some squares.

39. The D had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow, and anywhere The D went the lamb was sure to go. So he killed it.

40. The D was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

41. The D invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.

42. Getting murdered by The D counts as a natural cause of death.

43. When The D plays any video game, God mode automatically turns on.

44. The D destroyed the periodic table, saying The D only recognizes the element of surprise.

45. The D puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

46. The D counted to infinity - twice.

47. The D can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

48. Only once has The D ever cried. The only survivors were a bunch of animals and some dude named Noah.

49. The popular video game "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from The D and forgot to pay him back.

50. The D's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.

51. The D and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.

52. The D once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

53. The D irons his shirts while he's wearing them.

54. The D once got caught doing 100 in a 50 zone. The cop did give him a speeding ticket, however The D still pleads his innocence to this day, stating that he was simply out for a morning jog.

55. The D wears a cup not to protect himself, but to protect the players on the other team.

56. The D knows the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow (African *AND* European).

57. Onions do not make The D cry. The D makes onions crap themselves.

58. If you haven't seen Alien vs. Predator yet, don't bother, The D wins.

59. The D was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

60. The D can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

61. The D was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.

62. On a high school math test, The D put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because The D solves all his problems with Violence.

63. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to The D and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

64. The D doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

65. The D does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

66. The D invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

67. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be The D.

68. Crop circles are The D's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down and shut the fuck up!.

69. The D does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. The D goes killing.

70. The D does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction.

71. There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because The D is going to walk.

72. When The D enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

73. The only time The D was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

74. The D has the heart of a child. He keeps it in a small box.

75. The word "lesbian" derives from an old Latin phrase that roughly translates as "She who has not yet been introduced to The D."

76. Superman owns a pair of The D pajamas.

77. The movie Ray is loosely based on the life of The D, only they substituted piano playing for eating toddlers, and blindness for the ability to fly.

78. What scientists thought was natural selection is actually only the continued survival of animals The D has found too chewy to eat.

79. When The D gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

80. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped The D's house one Christmas.

81. The D has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.

82. Weeping Willows are a result of The D yelling at trees for not being tough enough.

83. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when The D punched himself in the face.

84. The D can watch a season of "24" in just three hours.

85. The D is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right fist.

86. The D became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.

87. The D's dog is trained to pick up his own poop because The D will not take crap from anyone.

88. The D sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.

89. The D can predict the shuffle on his iPod.

90. The D used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

91. The D is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.

92. The D doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.

93. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: The D was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.

94. The D can kill two stones with one bird.

95. The D can tie his shoes with his feet.

96. The D is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.

97. The D can make a paraplegic run for his life.

98. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures The D allows to live.

99. When The D gets pulled over he lets the cop off with a warning.

100. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless The D has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Weekend Update

I can't believe it has taken me this long to come up with a different title for these weekend post.

First off I am so physically tired that I can't even explain it to you. So don't start complaining about the grammar and spelling errors because I probably won't even proof read this one, nor fix them.

This is how tired I am.


I had the best time Friday night. When I was on the way home from work I had no plans to do anything except to stay home and veg out in front of the TV. But instead Lonnie called and demanded that I come down to the Plaza Art Fair. So by 6:30 I had made plans to hit the Plaza Art fair with some old friends. I get a text from one of my old pals Abby (as in Lockheart from ER.*) telling me that she wanted to go to the Plaza Art Fair. I told her to come by the house and we can walk down together. She gets to my house and starts complaining that we have to walk a WHOLE half a mile. She wanted to call a cab I said that there was no way are we were going to wait an hour for a cab when we could be there in 20-25 minutes. So we walked and she complained. I even offered to carry her but I told her I was going to carry her like a Captain Caveman which would be over my shoulder. Then she stopped bitchin'. She actually didn't complain the WHOLE time just about 90% of it. Then she saw how far people had to park and walk. She was glad she walked.

When we got close to the Art Fair I get a call from Lonnie saying that it was super packed and that they were back at her apartment building on the roof having some beers (she's pregnant so she wasn't drinking. Her husband Burt was.) So instead of even going to the art fair we just went to Burt and Lonnie's and drank some of their beer. After a few minutes my buddy Scooter and his wife show up and then Harley Dude* calls and comes up to meet us. Then it starts to rain so we vacate the roof and go hang out at the front of the building and congregate under the awning. After about 4-5 beers and the rain still coming down I yell at a couple of people that were running down the street. I yelled stuff like "Hey buddy it's raining, you should get out of the rain!" Or, "Hey! Run faster it raining!" Funny stuff right there but somehow I feel like it's not coming across here, guess you had to be there, because I was sure laughing!

After it stopped raining we walked up to J.J. on 48th street right across from the big ass hole in the ground. As the five of us were there I notice this short fellow looks EXACTALY like Patton Oswald. What do you think?

It's my first celebrity sighting in K.C.

After Scooter, his wife, and Harley Dude call it a night Abby and I had a grand old time talking about the most random stuff. Like the fact that I used to have the belly of Chris Farley,

but now after careful consideration and debate with Abby, we realized that I now have the belly of Britney Spears.

I'm not quite sure if that's a good thing or not.

It was also a great time catching up with Abby because I had not seen her for quite some time, like months I think, or maybe even a year or so. Those kind of evenings where you're in a semi quiet place where you can just sit at the bar or a table and have some good drinks and good conversations with some old friends are always the best times. Wouldn't you agree?

We finally called it a night and I went home.

Saturday, I pretty much just sleep in until about 8:30 then moved to the couch where I was in and out of coma until Sunday morning.

Sunday morning I went for my first long distance run, which I am WAY behind in doing. And it totally kicked my ass! I went from my house down Stateline Road to Shawnee Mission Parkway and then up the hill on Ward Parkway then south on Ward Parkway to 83rd street. I should have stopped at 75th street because that's where the sidewalk ends. Why does the sidewalk end? I have no idea but I have a good idea that it's because of those dumb asses in KCMO city hall. Why would someone just end a sidewalk? It's just stupid. And the really fucked up part is that there are stretches of sidewalk past 75th street but they will go from one yard (residence) and continue for two or three more yards (residences) and then just stop. It's a really messed up design.

I wanted to make it to my office which is 6.5 miles from home, but the whole time I was running in the median south of 75th street I kept thinking that I would step in a hole and have my leg smashed all to hell or stepping on a rock or a dirt clog and bust one of my ankles. Then what would I have done? Crawled to the curb and HOPE someone sees me, as I wave my hands frantically? I would probably still be there writhing in pain. So any way that's why I so tired. That run up the hills on Stateline (and the one at the beginning of Ward Parkway) just killed me. But I was still able to keep my 10 min mile average pace. How I just have to start building the endurance and I'll be set for the half marathon (which is only 26 days away). But 75th street is 4 miles from my house so round trip is 8 miles; I think I'll run that on Monday or Tuesday night if it's not too dark after work.

That was my weekend how was yours?

*All of my friends names are changed, because that is the way I want it.