The D Rules!!: Stolen Car (The Remix)

100 Facts That You Didn't Know About The D

1. The D doesn't have to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Tall buildings duck under The D.

2. The D can delete the Recycling Bin.

3. When The D goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

4. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but The D says its beef, then it's beef.

5. Whenever The D plays Chutes and Ladders, he treats the chutes as ladders, because he's not some sissy who can't climb up a plastic slide.

6. When The D deletes files from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.

7. The D can slam revolving doors.

8. Once a cobra bit The D's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

9.The D can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.

10. Giraffes were created when The D uppercut a horse.

11. The D is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.

12. The D was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

13. On his birthday, The D randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

14. The D can speak braille.

15. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for The D.

16. The D once stated that he "doesn't wail on sissy boys." This led to the pink polo shirts with popped collars craze. Little do those pitiful fools know that The D was just making it easier to find sissy boys to wail on.

17. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. The D can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.

18. The D doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

19. The D does not sleep. He waits.

20. The D once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

21. World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, The D ate Kobayashi.

22. If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear The D laughing at you.

23. The D died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

24. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects The D could use to kill you, including the room itself.

25. The D sleeps with a night light. Not because The D is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of The D.

26. The D is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

27. The D's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools The D.

28. The D always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.

29. The D is the only one who can "try this at home."

30. The D beat a wall at tennis. Yes. A WALL.

31. The D's blood type is WD-40.

32. If The D wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.

33. The D played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

34. The last man who made eye contact with The D was Ray Charles.

35. The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that The D's basement was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.

36. You are what you eat. That is why The D's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

37. The D owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

38. Circles exist because The D beat the crap out of some squares.

39. The D had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow, and anywhere The D went the lamb was sure to go. So he killed it.

40. The D was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

41. The D invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.

42. Getting murdered by The D counts as a natural cause of death.

43. When The D plays any video game, God mode automatically turns on.

44. The D destroyed the periodic table, saying The D only recognizes the element of surprise.

45. The D puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

46. The D counted to infinity - twice.

47. The D can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

48. Only once has The D ever cried. The only survivors were a bunch of animals and some dude named Noah.

49. The popular video game "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from The D and forgot to pay him back.

50. The D's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.

51. The D and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.

52. The D once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

53. The D irons his shirts while he's wearing them.

54. The D once got caught doing 100 in a 50 zone. The cop did give him a speeding ticket, however The D still pleads his innocence to this day, stating that he was simply out for a morning jog.

55. The D wears a cup not to protect himself, but to protect the players on the other team.

56. The D knows the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow (African *AND* European).

57. Onions do not make The D cry. The D makes onions crap themselves.

58. If you haven't seen Alien vs. Predator yet, don't bother, The D wins.

59. The D was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

60. The D can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

61. The D was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.

62. On a high school math test, The D put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because The D solves all his problems with Violence.

63. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to The D and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

64. The D doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

65. The D does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

66. The D invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

67. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be The D.

68. Crop circles are The D's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down and shut the fuck up!.

69. The D does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. The D goes killing.

70. The D does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction.

71. There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because The D is going to walk.

72. When The D enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

73. The only time The D was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

74. The D has the heart of a child. He keeps it in a small box.

75. The word "lesbian" derives from an old Latin phrase that roughly translates as "She who has not yet been introduced to The D."

76. Superman owns a pair of The D pajamas.

77. The movie Ray is loosely based on the life of The D, only they substituted piano playing for eating toddlers, and blindness for the ability to fly.

78. What scientists thought was natural selection is actually only the continued survival of animals The D has found too chewy to eat.

79. When The D gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

80. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped The D's house one Christmas.

81. The D has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.

82. Weeping Willows are a result of The D yelling at trees for not being tough enough.

83. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when The D punched himself in the face.

84. The D can watch a season of "24" in just three hours.

85. The D is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right fist.

86. The D became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.

87. The D's dog is trained to pick up his own poop because The D will not take crap from anyone.

88. The D sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.

89. The D can predict the shuffle on his iPod.

90. The D used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

91. The D is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.

92. The D doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.

93. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: The D was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.

94. The D can kill two stones with one bird.

95. The D can tie his shoes with his feet.

96. The D is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.

97. The D can make a paraplegic run for his life.

98. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures The D allows to live.

99. When The D gets pulled over he lets the cop off with a warning.

100. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless The D has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Stolen Car (The Remix)

Lately I've been thinking about why I blog, why I started, and why I keep doing it even though it's obvious that I'm barely literate enough to type out a sentence that's free of any spelling, grammar, and punctuation errors.

While digging though some old emails last night that I had sent out to my friends before I started blogging. I game across this little gem about my Chevy Trail Blazer getting stolen. I thought I would share it with ya'll today. This email was originally sent out on (or around) October 24^th 2005, before I started blogging.

Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Friends,

Well, Monday started out awesomely great! I got up nice and early for a change, refreshed and ready to attack the week. I was really motivated to kick some ass at work. I left the house early and stopped by the Quick Trip at 43rd and Rainbow for my morning cup of coffee and water. I paid for it walked outside and then the bottom fell out of the whole day. I came out of Quick Trip to an empty parking lot.

Some douche bag decided that he would start his day by stealing my car. So I went back in and called the cops. As I was outside waiting for the cops to protect and serve me (where were they 5 min before?). I then started to ponder all of the things that I had left in my car, like my cell phone, checkbook, my fantasy football paper work, and most importantly Lonnie's house keys (more on that later). The cops came and I filed a report and I walked home. Did I mention that I left the car running? I got in the house by taking the screen off of the window in the guest room. I can't believe how easy it was to break into my own house, don't get any ideas.

Anyway, I called my boss and he gave me the whole day off. I called the insurance dude and filed a claim, I am just waiting on a call from the adjuster. I called my cell phone provider and put a block on all incoming and outgoing calls from that phone so the perpetrator could not run out my minutes. I already have a rental which is covered under my policy. I called the bank and had them cancel any written checks. I have already reprinted my fantasy football paperwork (a man has to have his priorities!)

I still need to call a lock smith to have the locks changed because my house keys were in the car.

I'm really not worried about the car. This is why I pay insurance.

I had bigger worries, much bigger; I'm talking life and death bigger! Lonnie is on her honeymoon in Mexico until late Wednesday night. The keys to her apartment were in my car because I am feeding her cats until she gets back. Anyone with cats knows how she feels about those cats. If anything bad were to happen to her cats she would just absolutely MURDER me!! I don't mean a simply stabbing or a single gunshot, I talkin' B.T.K style murder!! So I was really freaking out about how I was going to feed her cats. Lonnie may be little but she fights dirty. So I am sure everyone can understand the amount of stress and anguish I was going though. So I called Hammer (Burt's daughter in North Carolina) to see if she could overnight her keys to me, well she doesn't have any keys to their apartment. So I went down and talked to the building manager and he let me in so I could feed the cats today and until they get back. So the cat crisis has been averted, and I have canceled the red alert.

So now I am just waiting on the lock smith to change the locks.

But the good news is that I might get a new car and cell phone. I think I have an old cell phone around here somewhere but I don't feel like looking for it right now. If you want to call you will have to call the numbers below.

One more thing that was in my car was Wednesday's winning power ball ticket!!

If that Quick Trip sells the winning ticket then I am going to sue like a Mo Fo!!! I am not going to let some criminal take my car AND my 340 million clams!! I have instructed my brother C-boy, who is an attorney, to start the paper work now.

I will let you know what happens next. So stay tuned.... Lonnie may kill me yet.

I know I am idiot for leaving my car running but I like to live life on the edge. That's just how I roll.

You all have my permission to make fun of me. I deserve it. But in my defense this is not the stupidest thing I have ever done and I am sure it won't be the last.

And the most important point is that NO ONE needs to tell Lonnie. I will tell her when she gets back.

The D

Back to present day. Now I can't end this post without telling you what happened to my car can I? That just wouldn't be fair.

A few weeks later the cops called my house while I was at work. They tell me they had found my car and they give me the number to some detective. Now I don’t know about you but when I hear that I need to call a detective the first image that comes to mind is Sipowitz from NYPD Blue the second would be Kojak, (who loves ya Baby?) then I would have to say it’s a tie between Cagney and or Lacy. I call the detective the next day and he tells me that they found my car a few days before they called me and that it had been involved in a “rolling gun battle” and that it was involved in an accident. I thought “Oh great! A ROLLING GUN BATTLE!?!?” Then he just tells me where to find the car and that I need to pick it up.

This is what I find: