100 Facts That You Didn't Know About The D

1. The D doesn't have to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Tall buildings duck under The D.

2. The D can delete the Recycling Bin.

3. When The D goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

4. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but The D says its beef, then it's beef.

5. Whenever The D plays Chutes and Ladders, he treats the chutes as ladders, because he's not some sissy who can't climb up a plastic slide.

6. When The D deletes files from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.

7. The D can slam revolving doors.

8. Once a cobra bit The D's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

9.The D can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.

10. Giraffes were created when The D uppercut a horse.

11. The D is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.

12. The D was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

13. On his birthday, The D randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

14. The D can speak braille.

15. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for The D.

16. The D once stated that he "doesn't wail on sissy boys." This led to the pink polo shirts with popped collars craze. Little do those pitiful fools know that The D was just making it easier to find sissy boys to wail on.

17. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. The D can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.

18. The D doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

19. The D does not sleep. He waits.

20. The D once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

21. World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, The D ate Kobayashi.

22. If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear The D laughing at you.

23. The D died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

24. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects The D could use to kill you, including the room itself.

25. The D sleeps with a night light. Not because The D is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of The D.

26. The D is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

27. The D's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools The D.

28. The D always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.

29. The D is the only one who can "try this at home."

30. The D beat a wall at tennis. Yes. A WALL.

31. The D's blood type is WD-40.

32. If The D wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.

33. The D played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

34. The last man who made eye contact with The D was Ray Charles.

35. The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that The D's basement was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.

36. You are what you eat. That is why The D's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

37. The D owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

38. Circles exist because The D beat the crap out of some squares.

39. The D had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow, and anywhere The D went the lamb was sure to go. So he killed it.

40. The D was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

41. The D invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.

42. Getting murdered by The D counts as a natural cause of death.

43. When The D plays any video game, God mode automatically turns on.

44. The D destroyed the periodic table, saying The D only recognizes the element of surprise.

45. The D puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

46. The D counted to infinity - twice.

47. The D can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

48. Only once has The D ever cried. The only survivors were a bunch of animals and some dude named Noah.

49. The popular video game "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from The D and forgot to pay him back.

50. The D's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.

51. The D and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.

52. The D once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

53. The D irons his shirts while he's wearing them.

54. The D once got caught doing 100 in a 50 zone. The cop did give him a speeding ticket, however The D still pleads his innocence to this day, stating that he was simply out for a morning jog.

55. The D wears a cup not to protect himself, but to protect the players on the other team.

56. The D knows the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow (African *AND* European).

57. Onions do not make The D cry. The D makes onions crap themselves.

58. If you haven't seen Alien vs. Predator yet, don't bother, The D wins.

59. The D was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

60. The D can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

61. The D was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.

62. On a high school math test, The D put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because The D solves all his problems with Violence.

63. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to The D and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

64. The D doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

65. The D does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

66. The D invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

67. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be The D.

68. Crop circles are The D's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down and shut the fuck up!.

69. The D does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. The D goes killing.

70. The D does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction.

71. There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because The D is going to walk.

72. When The D enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

73. The only time The D was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

74. The D has the heart of a child. He keeps it in a small box.

75. The word "lesbian" derives from an old Latin phrase that roughly translates as "She who has not yet been introduced to The D."

76. Superman owns a pair of The D pajamas.

77. The movie Ray is loosely based on the life of The D, only they substituted piano playing for eating toddlers, and blindness for the ability to fly.

78. What scientists thought was natural selection is actually only the continued survival of animals The D has found too chewy to eat.

79. When The D gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

80. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped The D's house one Christmas.

81. The D has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.

82. Weeping Willows are a result of The D yelling at trees for not being tough enough.

83. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when The D punched himself in the face.

84. The D can watch a season of "24" in just three hours.

85. The D is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right fist.

86. The D became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.

87. The D's dog is trained to pick up his own poop because The D will not take crap from anyone.

88. The D sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.

89. The D can predict the shuffle on his iPod.

90. The D used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

91. The D is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.

92. The D doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.

93. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: The D was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.

94. The D can kill two stones with one bird.

95. The D can tie his shoes with his feet.

96. The D is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.

97. The D can make a paraplegic run for his life.

98. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures The D allows to live.

99. When The D gets pulled over he lets the cop off with a warning.

100. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless The D has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Monday, September 03, 2007

Labor Day Weekend Wrap Up

The weekend started on Friday with a ginormous whimper. I stayed home just as I was planning but missed an excellent opportunity to go out with some cool kids but I inadvertently left my phone in the car overnight so I didn't get the text that they were even going out until Saturday morning when I went out my car to find it. I'm still regretting that stupendous move.

Saturday a pal and I went to the Black Crows Concert downtown at Grinders in the Crossroads. The night started when she arrived at my house at about 6:30 had a few beers then we were off to the show. The plan was to stop by Grinders and pick up our VIP tickets first, then get some dinner then head back for the show, but the plan was foiled by the massive line that was out front of the venue, apparently everyone else had the same idea. We skipped picking up our tickets and went to dinner instead. With all of the new construction downtown we ended up getting lost on our way to Harry's Country Club in the River Market. But I wouldn't say I got "lost" I knew WHERE I was going just not how to get there because of all the bridge closings. But thankfully I found Grand Ave was still open so it didn't take too long to get to Harry's.

When we first got there we took a table outside on their patio, it was a good five minutes before the waitress came over and asked us for our drink order which was a bad sign because we were kind of pressed for time in order to get back to Grinders before the start of the show. I ordered a Boulevard Wheat she ordered a Bomb Pop Martini. The service was good but really slow even though they weren't even that busy. We quickly realized that we didn't have time for a full meal so we just ordered a few appetizers and chowed down. Just after we ordered our food a band started setting up. Then the waitress comes back to our table and informed us that they had a 5 dollar cover to listen to the band or we could move inside where there wasn't a cover charge. I asked how much was the cover charge? She replied that it was five bucks and that she could just add it to out bill if we wanted. I told her that we weren't going to be here for the band and that we were going to leave just as soon as we eat cause we had other places to go.

The doors opened at 7:30 and I knew that there were no seats at this outdoor venue which probably explains why there was such a line when we went by the first time. We left Harry's about 8:15, which kind of had me a little worried that we would miss the opening number. But we arrived at the concert with about 10 to 15 minutes to spare, just enough time to get some beers and get to the VIP area. But we had to stop by will call to get our tickets before we headed into the show. We also had to get not one, but two wristbands. WTF? Why did we need 2 wristbands? Hell if I know, we just did, for some lame ass reason. I had paid for the VIP tickets which were twice as much as the regular tickets (all tickets were general admission) I guess one of the wristbands was for being over 21 and the other one was for access to the VIP area. The VIP area is directly in front of the stage and on both sides of the stage with picnic tables. With the VIP treatment (double the cost of the regular price ticket) you get shorter lines to the bathrooms port-a-johns, and shorter lines for the Booze Shacks, which isn't too bad if you are trying to impress the ladies but I've known this girl since high school. So there was no point in me trying to impress her (which I wasn't) but she might have some hot single friends so I sprung for the VIP tickets. But she paid for her own ticket anyway.

The venue it's self is pretty neat. It's basically just a stage at the bottom of a small hill. It's outdoor and the night was just a great night to be outside for a good old fashion rock show. With all of the other tall buildings surrounding this place it makes is seem like you're in some ones back yard for a kegger (If you have to click on that to find out what a kegger is then I feel really sorry for ya). In fact, the lead singer (Chris Robinson) even said "Thanks for coming to my parents back yard for the show." I highly suggest you going to a show there some time this year. The ground is all wood chips just so you are aware of it. Plus one of the best part was that the beers (and mixed drinks) were only 5 bucks a shot, as opposed to $6.50 or whatever they are at Verizon or any other concert.

After the show we went over to The Cashew and had a couple more drinks and called my buddy The EYE-talian, we made plans to meet up with him at Paddy O'Quiglies, across the street. He finally showed up around midnight. Paddys is a fun bar with a lot of TVs where I could catch up on all the scores that I missed. (I have to say that I was quite surprised that K-State ended up losing that game when they were leading most of it. Better luck next time Wildcats, it was a nice try. Kansas, on the other hand whipped Central Michigan which makes me very happy.)

After Paddys kicked us out we went back to my place, my pal called it a night and went home. But being the studs that we are the EYE-talian and I stayed up until 4 drinking and shooting the shit on the front porch.

Over all Good time, Good times!

On Sunday night I had my first of two fantasy football drafts this week. What a cluster fuck this first draft was, last year the site crashed on us. This year I couldn't stay connected for whatever reason so now I have to manually put in all of the rosters which is going to take hours to do. Plus I was planning on using the web to fill out my rosters. But with the connection issues that wasn't possible so I had to keep barrowing some ones printed sheets, which blew chunks because I didn't know who was available and who wasn't when it was my pick. But I still think I have a Superbowl caliber team. After the draft we went down to Tanners on 119th in Overland Park for a few beers and some good times.

Monday night I just stayed home and wrote this post for ya'll.

Tuesday night I have to go to the gym for my one year weight in. If I'm under 170 I'll be pretty happy cause that will put me at over 80 lbs lost since I started my diet on September 1st of last year. But if I'm not under 170 lbs then you won't be hearing from me for a while.

Ya'll be Cool!