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100 Facts That You Didn't Know About The D

1. The D doesn't have to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Tall buildings duck under The D.

2. The D can delete the Recycling Bin.

3. When The D goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

4. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but The D says its beef, then it's beef.

5. Whenever The D plays Chutes and Ladders, he treats the chutes as ladders, because he's not some sissy who can't climb up a plastic slide.

6. When The D deletes files from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.

7. The D can slam revolving doors.

8. Once a cobra bit The D's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

9.The D can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.

10. Giraffes were created when The D uppercut a horse.

11. The D is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.

12. The D was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

13. On his birthday, The D randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

14. The D can speak braille.

15. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for The D.

16. The D once stated that he "doesn't wail on sissy boys." This led to the pink polo shirts with popped collars craze. Little do those pitiful fools know that The D was just making it easier to find sissy boys to wail on.

17. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. The D can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.

18. The D doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

19. The D does not sleep. He waits.

20. The D once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

21. World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, The D ate Kobayashi.

22. If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear The D laughing at you.

23. The D died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

24. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects The D could use to kill you, including the room itself.

25. The D sleeps with a night light. Not because The D is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of The D.

26. The D is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

27. The D's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools The D.

28. The D always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.

29. The D is the only one who can "try this at home."

30. The D beat a wall at tennis. Yes. A WALL.

31. The D's blood type is WD-40.

32. If The D wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.

33. The D played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

34. The last man who made eye contact with The D was Ray Charles.

35. The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that The D's basement was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.

36. You are what you eat. That is why The D's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

37. The D owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

38. Circles exist because The D beat the crap out of some squares.

39. The D had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow, and anywhere The D went the lamb was sure to go. So he killed it.

40. The D was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

41. The D invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.

42. Getting murdered by The D counts as a natural cause of death.

43. When The D plays any video game, God mode automatically turns on.

44. The D destroyed the periodic table, saying The D only recognizes the element of surprise.

45. The D puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

46. The D counted to infinity - twice.

47. The D can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

48. Only once has The D ever cried. The only survivors were a bunch of animals and some dude named Noah.

49. The popular video game "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from The D and forgot to pay him back.

50. The D's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.

51. The D and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.

52. The D once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

53. The D irons his shirts while he's wearing them.

54. The D once got caught doing 100 in a 50 zone. The cop did give him a speeding ticket, however The D still pleads his innocence to this day, stating that he was simply out for a morning jog.

55. The D wears a cup not to protect himself, but to protect the players on the other team.

56. The D knows the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow (African *AND* European).

57. Onions do not make The D cry. The D makes onions crap themselves.

58. If you haven't seen Alien vs. Predator yet, don't bother, The D wins.

59. The D was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

60. The D can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

61. The D was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.

62. On a high school math test, The D put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because The D solves all his problems with Violence.

63. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to The D and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

64. The D doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

65. The D does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

66. The D invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

67. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be The D.

68. Crop circles are The D's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down and shut the fuck up!.

69. The D does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. The D goes killing.

70. The D does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction.

71. There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because The D is going to walk.

72. When The D enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

73. The only time The D was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

74. The D has the heart of a child. He keeps it in a small box.

75. The word "lesbian" derives from an old Latin phrase that roughly translates as "She who has not yet been introduced to The D."

76. Superman owns a pair of The D pajamas.

77. The movie Ray is loosely based on the life of The D, only they substituted piano playing for eating toddlers, and blindness for the ability to fly.

78. What scientists thought was natural selection is actually only the continued survival of animals The D has found too chewy to eat.

79. When The D gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

80. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped The D's house one Christmas.

81. The D has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.

82. Weeping Willows are a result of The D yelling at trees for not being tough enough.

83. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when The D punched himself in the face.

84. The D can watch a season of "24" in just three hours.

85. The D is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right fist.

86. The D became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.

87. The D's dog is trained to pick up his own poop because The D will not take crap from anyone.

88. The D sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.

89. The D can predict the shuffle on his iPod.

90. The D used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

91. The D is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.

92. The D doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.

93. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: The D was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.

94. The D can kill two stones with one bird.

95. The D can tie his shoes with his feet.

96. The D is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.

97. The D can make a paraplegic run for his life.

98. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures The D allows to live.

99. When The D gets pulled over he lets the cop off with a warning.

100. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless The D has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

Last night after work I come HOME and after much contemplating of whether or not I paid the electric bill, I deducted that the power had gone out thru no fault of my own. I figured this out once I saw the power trucks parked around various power poles around the neighborhood. Pretty smart right there huh? Momma didn't raise no dumy! So with the power out and no internet connection I did what any normal awesome dude would do, I went for a run. It was a good run, one of the best lately.

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With the power back on by the time I was back from the run I checked the answering machine. Back in 2005 when I was out of work I was sending out my resume like a porn stars hand out ass-fuckin's, or like a ice cream man hands out free sammiches to all the neighborhood MILFS, whichever you prefer. Anyway, there was a message from a company that I applied for back in 2005 they want me to send them an updated resume and to come in for an interview. I haven't called then back yet and I don't know if I will. I like my job now and I like the company and the people that I work with and for, I hardly ever see my bosses, when I do they only ask me about how the diet and fitness are going. Never about anything that's work related. This tells me that I'm either doing a good job or that I am so awful at it that they can't stand to talk to me about it. Either way, I'm still employed. I don't think I'm going to call them. I'm not the kind of dude to chase the "almighty dollar" I would rather stick with the stability that I have now, and make less money, than trade it for more money and be constantly stressed out about if I screw something up and get shit canned for it. But to tell you the truth I really don't know what position they would want me for. But I do know that it is a fire protection engineering company that does a lot of consulting, they really don't for a whole lot of design work, which is what I did before I started at this current company. But I will tell you that I did take about a 10 dollar per hour pay cut when I took this job. But in the 2 and a half years that I have been here I still haven't gotten back to making as much as I was before. What would the rest of you do? Call the new company to see what the deal-io is all about? Get them to offer me a job then us it as leverage to get a raise? (which could back fire and they say fine then get out). Or just drop it? I need to discuss this with someone. I have to make a decision quick I really can't just leave the new company hangin'.

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I'M still looking for someone that knows how to create a new masthead for me. I need someone that knows Photoshop (or any program that you could use) in and out. I know EXACTALLY what I want (and is freakin' AWESOME) but I have NNNNNOOOOO idea how to create it, and I can't find certain images from the web to make it myself. I'm willing to pay for it (but not much) if you're from out of town I'll get you a gift card from some store. If you live in we can work something out. I figure that having someone do this for me it will still be cheaper that spending the money on the program then the hours and hours it would take to learn the program. So if you or someone you know wants to make some cash, under the table, have then email me at THE underscore D underscore RULES at SWBELL.NET (the_d_rules@swbell.net).

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The birthday gifts are starting to roll in, The D.C.Krew was in New York City last week, they bought me a long sleeve tee-shirt from the NBC gift shop. It is some shade of blue, kind of a dark blue, but not so dark that I think it's black. Anyway it's from Saturday Night Live. Wait, why and I describing the shirt when it's right here.

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O.k now it's time for the part of the Thursday Night post that you have all been waiting for, or not, whatev! What is The D going to do this weekend? Well in a nut shell not a whole lot. Friday night the fellas and I are going out but where, has not been nailed down yet. Saturday, I have to cut the grass it's been like a month since I did it last. It's so long that seeds are starting to sprout, it's so ghetto that it makes me laugh when ever I look at it. Sunday is preseason football, which means if you want to come over I would think twice about it, I won't be wearing any pants. But you welcome to join me. Just call first, I HATE the pop-in it's rude and you'll have to leave you pants are the door. So there ya go.

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Labor Day weekend is shaping up to be pretty good. Friday my social calendar is open. Saturday, a pal (remember girls are pals guys are dudes are fellas) and I are going to see the Black Crows at Grinders in the Crossroads, really looking forward to that show. I've wanted to see them for quite some time. Plus the show is outside. Sunday the 2nd is my fantasy football draft. This will be our 15th season. Monday will be a day of serious couch time.


Now that I have 3rd degree burns on my legs from this laptop I think it's time to say g'day.

Scribbled down by "The D" Tango Charlie of this post 9:17 PM

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