100 Facts That You Didn't Know About The D

1. The D doesn't have to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Tall buildings duck under The D.

2. The D can delete the Recycling Bin.

3. When The D goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

4. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but The D says its beef, then it's beef.

5. Whenever The D plays Chutes and Ladders, he treats the chutes as ladders, because he's not some sissy who can't climb up a plastic slide.

6. When The D deletes files from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.

7. The D can slam revolving doors.

8. Once a cobra bit The D's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

9.The D can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.

10. Giraffes were created when The D uppercut a horse.

11. The D is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.

12. The D was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

13. On his birthday, The D randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

14. The D can speak braille.

15. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for The D.

16. The D once stated that he "doesn't wail on sissy boys." This led to the pink polo shirts with popped collars craze. Little do those pitiful fools know that The D was just making it easier to find sissy boys to wail on.

17. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. The D can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.

18. The D doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

19. The D does not sleep. He waits.

20. The D once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

21. World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, The D ate Kobayashi.

22. If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear The D laughing at you.

23. The D died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

24. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects The D could use to kill you, including the room itself.

25. The D sleeps with a night light. Not because The D is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of The D.

26. The D is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

27. The D's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools The D.

28. The D always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.

29. The D is the only one who can "try this at home."

30. The D beat a wall at tennis. Yes. A WALL.

31. The D's blood type is WD-40.

32. If The D wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.

33. The D played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

34. The last man who made eye contact with The D was Ray Charles.

35. The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that The D's basement was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.

36. You are what you eat. That is why The D's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

37. The D owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

38. Circles exist because The D beat the crap out of some squares.

39. The D had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow, and anywhere The D went the lamb was sure to go. So he killed it.

40. The D was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

41. The D invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.

42. Getting murdered by The D counts as a natural cause of death.

43. When The D plays any video game, God mode automatically turns on.

44. The D destroyed the periodic table, saying The D only recognizes the element of surprise.

45. The D puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

46. The D counted to infinity - twice.

47. The D can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

48. Only once has The D ever cried. The only survivors were a bunch of animals and some dude named Noah.

49. The popular video game "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from The D and forgot to pay him back.

50. The D's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.

51. The D and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.

52. The D once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

53. The D irons his shirts while he's wearing them.

54. The D once got caught doing 100 in a 50 zone. The cop did give him a speeding ticket, however The D still pleads his innocence to this day, stating that he was simply out for a morning jog.

55. The D wears a cup not to protect himself, but to protect the players on the other team.

56. The D knows the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow (African *AND* European).

57. Onions do not make The D cry. The D makes onions crap themselves.

58. If you haven't seen Alien vs. Predator yet, don't bother, The D wins.

59. The D was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

60. The D can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

61. The D was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.

62. On a high school math test, The D put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because The D solves all his problems with Violence.

63. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to The D and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

64. The D doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

65. The D does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

66. The D invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

67. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be The D.

68. Crop circles are The D's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down and shut the fuck up!.

69. The D does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. The D goes killing.

70. The D does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction.

71. There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because The D is going to walk.

72. When The D enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

73. The only time The D was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

74. The D has the heart of a child. He keeps it in a small box.

75. The word "lesbian" derives from an old Latin phrase that roughly translates as "She who has not yet been introduced to The D."

76. Superman owns a pair of The D pajamas.

77. The movie Ray is loosely based on the life of The D, only they substituted piano playing for eating toddlers, and blindness for the ability to fly.

78. What scientists thought was natural selection is actually only the continued survival of animals The D has found too chewy to eat.

79. When The D gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

80. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped The D's house one Christmas.

81. The D has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.

82. Weeping Willows are a result of The D yelling at trees for not being tough enough.

83. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when The D punched himself in the face.

84. The D can watch a season of "24" in just three hours.

85. The D is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right fist.

86. The D became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.

87. The D's dog is trained to pick up his own poop because The D will not take crap from anyone.

88. The D sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.

89. The D can predict the shuffle on his iPod.

90. The D used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

91. The D is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.

92. The D doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.

93. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: The D was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.

94. The D can kill two stones with one bird.

95. The D can tie his shoes with his feet.

96. The D is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.

97. The D can make a paraplegic run for his life.

98. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures The D allows to live.

99. When The D gets pulled over he lets the cop off with a warning.

100. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless The D has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

World Series of Pop Culture

If you are not watching the World Series of Pop Culture you are missing out on the best game show EVER! (Now, I know I say things are the best “whaterver” EVER! A lot but this time I mean it. DAMMIT!) The Price Is Right is for old ladies. Jeopardy is for the geeks, and the Wheel of Fortune is for the gheys (not that there is any thing wrong with that). Only the coolest peeps watch this show (and use the word peeps instead of “people” for that matter).

It’s AWESOME, and not just because there’s a team on the show called Westerburg High (QUICK, pop quiz hot shot! where is that High school name from… too slow it’s the High school in the movie Heathers, duh!) that is from Lawrence Kansas. Yea that’s right they’re from Lawrence, Kansas! (ROCK CHALK, BABY!! ROCK CHALK!!) They totally rocked it in the first round, beating some lame ass team called The Carlton Banks Dance Academy, they’re named after the character from the Fresh Price of Bel-Air (duh, show of hands who didn’t know that?).

Do you want too blow your buddies, girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, wife, kids, or even complete strangers away? And possibly make some money at the same time? I sure do The D tell me how?

O.K., but only if you promise not to tell anyone, promise? Here’s the deal, now come in closer I don’t want to shout or repeat myself. OK, ready? Here comes the knowledge, what you do is this:

Each new episode of WSOPC is aired at 8 p.m. (CDT) on VH1 then it’s repeated the next night only this time it’s on one hour earlier at 7 and then a new episode is aired after that. But you watch all of the episodes when they FIRST premiere during the week. You take notes you memorize the questions and answers, you Tivo it and watch it over and over if you have too. You do anything you have too do remember all of the answers to the questions. Then when all of the episodes are repeated over the weekend (like VH1 always does) you will know all of the answers, and seem like some kind of idiot savant or some pop culture genius! But, here’s the rub you can’t tell anyone that you are watching the show during the week. Then when they replay all of the episodes on a weekend or at any time you will know all of the answers.

But "The D" how do I make money at this little game of deception, you ask? To answer that question we have to take a trip into the imagination of "The D" for just a minuet. Don’t worry don't be scared it’s not as scary as you might have heard.

It’s a lazy summer Saturday afternoon you and someone you hopefully like spending time with, are just sitting around the living room, kitchen, bedroom or dudgeon sex parlor in your basement, your flipping through the channels of your new 42” plasma screen television that is mounted to the ceiling. (Hey, this is my imagination shut up)

You get to VH1…


The Genius (that’s you): “Hey, wait a sec, what was that?”

Someone Else: “Some lame-ass trivia game on VH1”

TG: I heard about that game at work. That one awesome dude I know was talking about it. He just kept raving about how good it was. Lets watch it! What’s it called again?”

(Changing the channel back)

SE: “I think it’s called the World Series of Some Shit, sounds dumb to me”.

TG: “No, I don’t think they would call it that.”

SE: “It’s called the World Series of Pop Culture”

(Playing dumb)

TG: “What do they mean by pop culture?”

SE: “Seriously? You don’t know what pop culture is?”

TG: “Shut up Bitch Face! I know what it is but what do they mean by it, ya know what I mean?”

SE: “Pop Culture or *Popular Culture is contemporary lifestyle and items that are well known and generally accepted, cultural patterns that are widespread within a population.”*

TG: “Oh! I get it. Like what television show has a character named Charlie Pace that was a drug addict and a former bassist for the fictional British rock band Driveshaft?”**

SE: (Looking at you strangely) “Umm, yea, sumtin’ like that.”

TG: “Lets watch it. It sounds like fun.”

SE: “Sounds like a super lame-o show too to me? You watch it. I’m going to take one of my world famous Saturday afternoon shits.”

TG: “What’s the matter afraid I’ll kick your ass?”

(Now at this point if the person has any competitive spirit in them what’s-so-ever, they will jump at this chance to stand up to your challenge. After all wasn’t this country built on the competitive spirit of our fore fathers? I believe it was the great scholar General George S. Patton played by the great actor George C. Scott in the Academy award winning film PATTON that said “Americans love a winner and will not tolerate a LOSER!”)

SE: You kick MY ass? HA! I seriously doubt it. You couldn’t kick my ass at this game if I bent over and pulled down my pants and gave you a free shot at each cheek. In fact I have forgotten more about pop culture than you have ever even known!

TG: Really? Care to make a little wager?


Now is your chase to put in your order for what ever you want. Money, (I would call a few bucks per correct question) free dinner, breakfast in bed, Car wash while she wears those tight daisy dukes. Or what ever you want. It’s a can’t lose opportunity!

The next few lines are you two debating on what the wager would end up being. But because I would end up turning this into a really creepy sex romp I better stop now, and leave the next few lines up to you to fill in the blanks.

Have a nice weekend everybody!

And thanks for reading!

*Ya gotta love the copy and paste from dictionary.com.

**This was an actual question in Thursday episode. The answer is “LOST